Biting the Big Apple: MLB Preview

Q: What do Rickey Henderson, Dave Winfield, Jason Giambi, Art Howe, and Mick Jagger all have in common?

A: The same fate that Randy Johnson, Pedro Martinez, and former Yankee Willie Randolph will have this coming season: when you don't produce a Series ring, the Big Apple eats you up and spits you out.

You thought last year was whacked? This year will turn inside out when the Big Apple erupts on its newest newcomers ... and it's going to get ugly. This and the predictions of a wild and wooly year of baseball to come.

Biting the Big Apple

Baseball experts and fans alike can only be wowed by the transactions made by the New York baseball franchises once again this summer. In the past, stars such as Rickey Henderson and Dave Winfield were lured for big money contracts by George Steinbrenner in the 1980s, and given a swift pat on the butt out of town when they didn't produce championship-caliber results.

New York City is reputable for baseball legends and boasts many rings from the past. New York City is also the hardest on its athletes, especially free agents, who do not meet their billing. The Big Apple remains more feared than the Green Monster. Notably this year, you'll see why.

1. Randy Johnson: The Yankees simply went out and took arguably the best player in the game, and are stacked with multimillion-dollar talent. They are the favorites to win the Series. The Big Unit must understand that Phoenix and Seattle are shady meadows in contrast to even greater city life in New York. If you believe in foreshadowing, Johnson has already dropped hints of tempered reaction to the media. Sure, the Unit will pick up a solid 15 or 16 wins in '05, but the Yanks' inability to capture a title again could be a sign of their own curse. And, once again, the Big Apple will claim its next free agent, regardless of the Bronx Bombers' talent.

2. Pedro Martinez: Congratulations, Petey. You've won your title, and could've begun a dynasty in Boston. However, hanging out in "the city that never sleeps" and blubbering to the media about how the Red Sox organization disrespected him may not fare too well in the city whose media likes to antagonize its athletes. What the Mets and new manager Willie Randolph need to do is flat out focus him on playing team ball in the Big Apple, for there is no room for error here when a mammoth amount of cash demands championship success. Only John McEnroe could whine and cry and be a champion in New York City. Good luck, Pedro. Perhaps you should call Art Howe daily for emotional support throughout the season.

3. Willie Randolph: The former Yankee second baseman who starred as a player in the eighties was hired as skipper for the enigmatic Mets. Randolph has been involved with coaching after his playing days were over, and has finally gotten the nod from a franchise so desperate to win with all the cash that has flowed through Shea Stadium continuously resulting in futility.

Whether the former all star Randolph can keep Pedro and crew together after they fail to make the postseason again. Best of luck, Willie. You're now a rookie again.

"Go ahead ... Bite the Big Apple. Don't mind the maggots." - Mick Jagger

Note: Carlos Beltran is exempt from this list. He is too calm and cool under pressure.

Predictions For 2005

1. Carlos Beltran wins the All Star MVP honors and National League MVP, and a yellow ribbon award for being a great hitter and not needing an asterisk for any reason.

2. The Giants win the World Series, defeating the surprising Chicago White Sox on Omar Vizquel's safety squeeze bunt to win one for the City by the Bay.

3. While being pummeled 21-4, the Mariners throw Ichiro Suzuki on the mound because of a lousy and depleted bullpen. After his first pitch nails the hitter, Ichiro tips his cap to the batter, and draws national attention for his gesture. In Japan, it is protocol that you tip your cap after striking the batter, and the game moves on. ESPNews airs the incident for a week. Ichiro wins the batting title and the Nobel Peace Prize in 2005.

4. The Washington Nationals franchise ceases operations at All-Star Break. Being the only team that has ever moved to a city without a stadium ready for its first season, the Nats become the Unified Team in honor of the Russian Olympic athletes who served a warring Russia in the 1988 Olympics. George W. Bush takes over operations, hires John McEnroe to manage, and sends them to Iraq to "boost baseball awareness" in the Middle East. They were safer in Canada.

5. Barry Bonds hits career-low 4 home runs this season. Hank Aaron's godson falls far shy of the all time home run title in 2005, mainly because of his new record of 1,244 walks. Unauthorized reports claim that National League pitchers unite to intentionally walk Bonds every time up in protest of the BALCO scandal, and managers around the league are behind it. The future Hall of Famer's only homers come off of Ichiro Sukuki.

6. League owners agree that "God Bless America" no longer be sung during the Seventh Inning Stretch, and sold the slot to Disney's "When You Wish Upon a Star." At all ballparks, fans will rise and sing along with Jiminy Cricket.

7. Ozzie Guillen wins the AL Manager of the Year award and leads the White Sox to the AL pennant.

8. The Yankees, White Sox, and Angels take their divisions. The Twins qualify as wildcard, and Boston is a no show this season. Look for the Yanks to lose in the first round.

9. The Dodgers, Cardinals, and Mets win their respected divisions. The Giants will qualify and take their revenge on the Dodgers in the postseason. Walking Barry backfires on managers, and Moises Alou, under his daddy's coaching, wins NL MVP honors. Look for San Francisco to shine in the end.

10. Disney Inc. offers Bill Murray $2 million to sing to the fans at Comiskey Park in Chicago for Game One of the World Series. Murray, a Cubs diehard, refuses. Ashton Kutcher is his replacement, and is booed. Riots begin and the game is forfeited to the visiting Giants.

Enjoy this year's season, and offer your prayers to our Washington Nationals, who will risk their lives trying to "preserve our way of life" in the Middle East.