NFL Weekly Predictions: Conf. Championships

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Atlanta @ Philadelphia

I can't tell you why, but one of these nights, the Eagles will relieve their heartache tonight, take it to the limit, air their dirty laundry, and finally win the NFC Championship.

"But we won't be able to take it easy until we win the Super Bowl," says Philadelphia coach Andy Reid. "Only then, can I say that life's been good."

"Oh, I see what's going on here," responds Falcons coach Jim Mora. "The Eagles' Greatest Hits. Well, two can play that game. As all of you saw last Saturday against the Rams, we're quite capable of the long run, so if the Eagles think this is their year, then I have just one question for them: who are you gonna believe? Me, or your lyin' eyes?"

Both the Eagles and Falcons responded to doubts about their legitimacy as Super Bowl contenders in resounding fashion; the Eagles proved their passing game is still potent without Terrell Owens, jumping out to a 14-0 lead en route to a 27-14 dispatch of the Vikings. Wide receiver Freddie Mitchell scored two touchdowns against the Vikes, then thanked his hands after the game.

"They call me 'Hollywood,'" says Mitchell, "so if you want an interview, talk to my agent. No, better yet, talk to the hand. Even better, talk to my palm reader, Claire Voyant. She's the queen of the open-palmed slap to the face. That's what gets Freddie Mitchell going. That, my paycheck, and the Dhani Jones five-star bow tie."

In pulverizing the Rams 47-17, the Falcons rushed for 327 yards. Rookie head coach Jim Mora, Jr. garnered his first playoff win, and in doing so, improved the Mora family playoff record to 1-6.

"Dad's been wearing that monkey on his back for so long that we now call it a sweater," says Mora, Jr. "Well, the Mora's have our playoff victory, the monkey's been spanked, and we can go forward."

Of the Falcons' 327 yards rushing, Michael Vick rushed for 119 of those, breaking Donovan McNabb's playoff record for quarterbacks.

"I guarantee you right now," says Eagles' defensive end Jevon Kearse. "If any member of the Falcons rushes for 119 yards, I'll sleep on a soiled mattress underneath an Interstate 95 overpass, warm myself over a fire in a barrel, and sip Night Train out of a Dixie cup."

Damn, Jevon, you talk like all that is a bad thing. Night Train was made for the discriminating soiled-mattress sleeper who resides in the underpass of luxury. Anyway, I'm sure McNabb doesn't give jack squat that Vick broke a record McNabb probably didn't know he even had. What he does care about is finally winning an NFC banner in his fourth try. This is the year. Priority No. 1 for the Eagles is shutting down the Falcons' running game; when forced to pass, Vick is just ordinary, especially against an Eagles' secondary that features three Pro Bowlers. On offense, the Eagles will attack the potent Atlanta front four with draws and screens, then expose their secondary with the deep ball.

"Only then," adds Reid, "after we've defeated the Falcons, can my true football genius be realized, and we can concentrate on winning the Super Bowl. Hopefully, it won't take us four tries to climb that mountain. I also will announce a new bet with T.O.: should T.O. play in the Super Bowl and score a touchdown, I will wear a pair of Speedos, a baby bonnet, and a snorkel."

"That's a deal!" replies Owens.

McNabb accounts for two touchdowns, and the Eagles advance with a 22-15 win, and experience a peaceful, easy feeling.

New England @ Pittsburgh

Tom Brady spent Monday spreading the ashes of Peyton Manning's Super Bowl hopes on the frigid turf of Gillette Stadium.

"It was purely a symbolic gesture," Brady explains. "But one that required a team of hooded druids and the soundtrack from The Omen to make it complete. Interesting fact here: those druids were union druids, so they came with a rider stipulating that they work only for scale plus 15 percent. I always suspected the druids to be a greedy bunch; my suspicions were correct. Anyway, Peyton will someday win his Super Bowl. His path to enlightenment just won't come through Foxboro. Just like Corey Dillon says in the Visa commercial: 'Not in our house. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.'"

If the Patriots plan to advance to their third Super Bowl in four years, it will be resultant of an AFC Championship win in the house that ketchup built, Pittsburgh's Heinz Field, site of New England's 2001 AFC title win.

"I don't know about you," says Pats' coach Bill Belichick, "but a stadium named after a popular condiment just doesn't strike fear into me. Now, on the other hand, I'm frightened to death of mustard, and mayonnaise gives me the creeps. But ketchup; I like it on a boat; I like it on a goat. I like it here or there. I like it anywhere."

Hey, Bill, is that a Wocket in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? That's a line from the Dr. Seuss classic Earthwind Moreland Hears A Hoot, And Sees Some Hooters. By the way, does Earthwind Moreland have a twin brother named "Andfire?"

All kidding aside, Sunday's title game has all the trappings of an epic contest. One quarterback will leave with the first blemish on his respective undefeated streak: Tom Brady has never lost a playoff game, and Ben Roethlisberger has never lost a game, period. The Patriots want to avenge their Week 8 loss in Pittsburgh which ended their 18-game regular season winning streak; the Steelers lost the 2001 AFC title game to the Pats at the Heinz, and want payback. Pittsburgh is the AFC's No. 1 seed, they're at home, and they whipped the Pats earlier in the year, yet they are the underdog, so they also want a little respect. New England's defense looks to halt the Steeler running attack, led by "The Bus", Jerome Bettis, and Duce Staley, "The Airport Shuttle Van." Pittsburgh's No. 1 defense has designs on stopping the Patriot running game and Dillon.

"We Patriots, as you know, are not much on nicknames," says Dillon, "but, if I had to call myself a motor-driven vehicle, I would have to be Bigfoot, Grave Digger, Bounty Hunter, or some other monster truck. You know, not the fastest, but able to run you over, whether you're a lineman, linebacker, defensive back, or a 1976 Country Squire Station Wagon."

Damn Corey, that's no way to treat the greatest wood-paneled classic ride of all time, although you certainly are a bullish runner, even though your name is Corey.

Dillon, of course, missed the Week 8 Steeler game, and the Patriots could only muster five yards rushing for the game. You'd be a fool to think that the Patriots won't crack that total on their first possession. You'd also be a fool to think the Patriots' defense will surrender anything near the 221 yards rushing the Steelers amassed in Week 8. With a forecast of snow, wind, and a high in the 20s, both offenses will be hard-pressed to establish any kind of momentum. Turnovers and special teams will decide the outcome.

"The Men of Steel, like all teams, and Superman, have a weakness," explains Belichick. "And we eat Kryptonite like Tic-Tacs. We just needed a tablespoon to vanquish [Peyton] Manning to the Phantom Zone; against the Steelers, we will need a little more Kryptonite, and some added help from various members of the Legion of Doom would be nice, as well. That's what we do; we exploit weaknesses, and, to borrow an overused phrase from those analysts at the NFL Network, we 'impose our will upon the other team.'"

The term "will-imposing" never made anyone watch a football game, so let's just say both teams try to pound each other into the ground. You won't hear the word "finesse" mentioned one time in this game, nor will you hear the words "pretty boy," "negligee," "coward," or "Jason Sehorn" mentioned. It's a dogfight. The Heinz contingent are fired up, thanks in part to a pre-game ceremony retiring the right leg of Jets' kicker Doug Brien. The rowdy fans boo pop skanklet Ashlee Simpson right off the field, as she fails to properly complete the "Oh say..." part of the National Anthem.

The Steelers know they have a distinct edge with their receiving corps of Hines Ward, Plaxico Burress, Antwaan Randle El, and Lee Mays, so they surprise the Pats and go for the long ball early. A long completion to Ward rids Roethlisberger of early-game jitters, and Jeff Reed gives Pittsburgh an early 3-0 lead. The teams then set a playoff record of "three-and-outs," and trade field goals and a defensive touchdown apiece.

After an Adam Vinatieri field goal ties it at 13 late in the fourth quarter, Roethlisberger finds himself in a position that could define his career.

"I can either lead us on a game-winning drive," the rookie thinks to himself, "or I could make a mistake and lose the game. I choose to be a winner."

Roethlisberger then remembers something his hero, John Elway, told him some years ago: "Hey, kid, stop pestering me for an autograph." From that point on, Roethlisberger knew quarterbacking was his path to stardom.

Starting from the Patriots' 35-yard line, Roethlisberger engineers a 45-yard drive that culminates win Reed's game-winning 37-yard field goal.

Steelers win, 16-13.