NFL Weekly Predictions: Divisional Round

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

N.Y. Jets @ Pittsburgh

The Jets displayed an unusual formula for success last Saturday in San Diego, a formula which involved a forearm blast to Chargers' quarterback Drew Brees' head, and a heated exchange between coach Herman Edwards and running backs coach Bishop Harris.

"This week, we plan to eliminate the Steelers by having Eric Barton blast Ben Roethlisberger with a steel chair," explains Edwards. "And, just for good measure, I plan to curse out offensive coordinator Paul Hackett at some point, while television cameras film it all. Hey, it worked against the Chargers."

Barton has been the brunt of several jokes in Jets camp, and has good-naturedly accepted his new nickname of "TKO."

"Eric's hit may be the most bone-headed play ever that didn't cost a team the victory," explains Curtis Martin. "Hence the nickname 'TKO,' for 'technically,' that play could have 'knocked' us 'out' of the playoffs. But it didn't, so Eric still has a job."

As far as the Edwards-Harris verbal melee, who knows what that was about. Some lip readers have interpreted the words as a disagreement on who was the greatest Beatle, Paul McCartney or John Lennon. Others have opined that Edwards and Harris were disputing the East Coast/West Coast rap feud.

"Man, will you guys give us a break?" demands Harris. "Herman and I were simply debating the question: Lindsay Lohan — real or fake? Now, please let us turn our attention to the Steelers."

Oh yeah. The Steelers. Pittsburgh has won 13 straight with Ben Roethlisberger at the helm, a streak that earned Big Ben a much-deserved Offensive Rookie of the Year Award. One of those victories was a Week 14 win over the Jets, 17-6.

"I'm very proud of the streak and the award," adds Roethlisberger. "No quarterback has ever won this award, and that includes Peyton Manning, Joe Montana, Terry Bradshaw, Dan Marino, and Roger Staubach, and Ryan Leaf, Akili Smith, Tim Couch, and any of the Griese's, Detmer's, and Simms', for that matter. Also, my jersey sales are number one in the league, so look for me, or my jersey, that is, in several upcoming rap videos, as well as any of the "ride pimping" shows that every single cable channel seems to have now. Have you seen the Discovery Channel's newest hit, Pimp My Facelift?"

Steelers' coach Bill Cowher is a little miffed, however.

"How in the hell can Marty Schottenheimer win Coach of the Year over me?" asks a baffled Cowher. "Suffering succotash! It's insane. We were 15-1, by golly. Do people think I had nothing to do with that? It's not like we were picked to win our division, either. I'd like to see the detailed voting on that award. I bet that same moron who voted for Mike Vick as MVP voted for Schottenheimer. Can't somebody give Bill a little love? And a Super Bowl win?"

Well, this is your chance, Bill. Home playoff losses have been the curse of the Steelers in the past, and it doesn't get any easier this year. Beat the Jets, and you either face the high-powered Colts or a Patriots squad bent on revenge. Pittsburgh and New York battled in a defensive struggle in Week 14. The Steelers turned a 3-3 stalemate heading into the fourth quarter into a 17-6 win, thanks mostly to two Jerome Bettis touchdowns (one rush, one pass).

The Steelers are well-rested, and will have both Bettis and Deuce Staley available at running back. The Jets are dealing with their second straight short week (back-to-back Saturday games), and may be without defensive end John Abraham (who missed the Week 14 game). As in the first contest, Bettis and Staley combine for 100 yards, and the defenses dictate a low-scoring game.

Pittsburgh advances, 20-13.

St. Louis @ Atlanta

After the Rams' 27-20 upset win over the Seahawks last week, coach Mike Martz decided to renew his vows to MENSA, the genius organization, in a ceremony presided over by fellow nerd, Jeopardy super-champion Ken Jennings, with music performed by super group N.E.R.D. front man Pharrell Williams.

"Wait just a minute there, buddy!" a livid Martz screams. "Time out! None of that is true. You're just patronizing me."

You're right, Mike, I am. But I did force you to waste a timeout, much like you did five times in the Seattle game. You know, I haven't seen time out mismanagement that bad since Chris Webber called a timeout he didn't have in the 1993 NCAA Basketball Championship Game.

"Hey, but there's a big difference," replies Martz. "Michigan lost that game. We still won ours. I follow the 'use it or lose it' philosophy when deciding when to use our timeouts. I knew with four minutes left in the third quarter that we wouldn't need our timeouts. That's why I had used all three by then."

In Atlanta, the Dirty South, clock management has nothing to do with football, and everything to do with how to squeeze in two lap dances and three shots of Jägermeister with 10 minutes left until closing early Sunday morning at the Gold Club.

"And we can still make a one o'clock kickoff, easy," says Michael Vick.

The Falcons are sure to remember the blueprint of their week 2 victory over the Rams, in which they outrushed St. Louis, 242-30, including 109 from Vick, and pulled away in the fourth quarter for a 34-17 victory.

"Jiminy Crickets, man!" exclaims Martz. "That was ancient history. We were just a shell of our current selves then, and I was just in the opening stages of establishing myself as one of the most unpredictable, and sometimes downright ignorant, coaches in the league. This game will be totally different. I promise."

Lemony Snickets, man! Are you saying you won't do anything stupid on Saturday? You're really going out on a limb there, Mike. I'm sure you'll make at least two foolish decisions, and one will come back to haunt you. At some point, you're going to need time outs at the end of the game, either to stop the clock or challenge a play.

Martz and the Rams take a ride on the Michael Vick Experience, then suffer a series of unfortunate events, culminating in a 30-24 Falcons victory. Vick rushes for 82 yards and passes for 170, statistics that are obviously more impressive than anything Peyton Manning has done, at least in the mind of one idiotic MVP voter.

Rams backup quarterback Chris Chandler exacts his revenge for Martz's critical comments weeks earlier, as Chandler reveals he has been a mole in the Rams' locker room for six weeks, and dropped dime to the Falcons everything he knew about the St. Louis game plan.

Minnesota @ Philadelphia

Okay, all you people who have overblown the latest Randy Moss incident, take a deep breath, loosen your sphincter, and chill out. Yeah, yeah, I know. The fact that I had to qualify my statement with "the latest Randy Moss incident" almost immediately defeats my argument, but the bottom line is, it was a simulated mooning. Moss didn't drop trouser.

"Yeah, dog," replies Moss. "Knick knack, paddy, give a dog a break. I was just giving the fans at Lambeau an astronomy lesson; you call it a 'moon shot.' I call it a 'lunar eclipse.' If you critics can't see the humanitarian efforts of my actions, then so be it. Tune in next week and I might just go with an anatomy lesson. Y'all know what my third metacarpal looks like?"

That's one of your fingers, right? In any case, Moss' shenanigans last week overshadowed his two touchdown receptions, the last one being the game-clincher, in the fourth quarter, on a sprained ankle.

"Don't forget the atomic-poof afro, player," adds Moss. "It takes a lot out of me just to get my helmet on over that. But it was our lucky charm last Sunday, so this Sunday, it's round two of the 'Sho' The Ghetto 'Fro Once Mo' For The Mo' Fo', You Know, Ho?'"

It's been so long since the Eagles' starters played a game that it's easy to forget that they are the number one seed in the NFC.

"Yes, it has been awhile," says Eagles quarterback Donovan F. McNabb, "but I don't think it will take us long to get game-ready. Sure, we've had a lot of time off, but we've had several great practices."

"Practice? We talking 'bout practice?"

Hey, how'd Allen Iverson get involved in this? Oh, that's right. We're in Philly. That's the answer.

The Eagles, of course, are without wide receiver Terrell Owens, All-Pro and controversy magnet.

"It's an empty feeling watching my teammates in the playoffs, knowing I can't contribute," laments Owens. "But I have all the confidence in the world that they can pick up my slack. Look at Moss. Has anyone noticed that as soon as I was injured, Randy picked up my slack as far as controversy goes? I hope my teammates look at Randy as a source of inspiration. And you media types need to give Randy a break. At least he didn't shoot the moon and leave the field in the same game."

That's the new "Randy Ratio:" one controversial act per game. You can bet Randy has one more in him; luckily for the Vikings, Moss' controversial acts seem to be proportionate to Moss touchdowns. This time, Moss stirs the hornets' nest by scoring a touchdown, saluting FOX's Joe Buck, then sprinting to the sideline and signing Owens' ankle cast.

"An eye for an eye," yells Owens, as he whacks Moss across the Viking star's own damaged ankle with a crutch.

The Vikings, as they did last week, strike early, and maintain a narrow lead throughout. McNabb finds Brian Westbrook in the fourth quarter for a short touchdown pass, giving the Eagles a six-point lead. Daunte Culpepper comes right back and hits Marcus Robinson for a TD to tie it. Morten Anderson's extra point barely clears the crossbar, and Minnesota holds on for a 28-27 win.

Indianapolis @ New England

It would be an understatement to say that the Patriots have Peyton Manning's number.

"And guess what that number is?" Patriot quarterback Tim Brady says, as he enjoys a bagel, a donut, and a scrumptious Zero candy bar. "That's right, Manning. That number is zero. You have zero wins against the Patriots and myself. Mmmm! Mmmmm! This Zero bar sure is delicious. Oh. Where are my manners? Peyton, why don't you take this Butterfinger candy bar and give it to Edgerrin James. He obviously has a problem holding on to the ball. Hell, his fumbles have cost you the last two games against us."

"Brady," replies Manning, "I resent you disparaging my fellow triplet, although your opinions are factually correct. But if you want to talk candy bars, I'm certainly game. Maybe you've heard of the Three Musketeers bar? Well, if you have, you're no doubt familiar with its delicious blend of milk chocolate and rich, creamy nougat, together forming .... I'm sorry. I got a little off track there. The pressure to beat you Patriots makes me very hungry. Anyway, my Three Musketeers are my receiving corps of Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, and Brandon Stokley, all 1,000-yard receivers, and all with at least 10 touchdowns."

"That's very nice, Peyton," replies Brady. "And, by the way, congratulations on your MVP award. What is that? Two of those? Two. That's a number of which I'm very familiar. That's the number of Super Bowl rings I possess, as well as the number of Super Bowl MVP awards I've been honored with. Now, excuse me while I take two sips on this 22-ounce can of Miller Lite. I think they call it a 'Double Deuce.'"

If the Colts can't beat the Patriots this time, then they never will. As if New England needed more motivation, Colts' kicker Mike Vanderjagt had to go and say that New England was "ripe for the picking."

"Dad gummit!" screams Manning. "Can't that idiot Canadian keep his mouth shut?"

"No, I can't," Vanderjagt replies. "At least I'm not an American idiot. And I get my healthcare for free."

Unfortunately, not all Canadians can be Pamela Anderson, so, yes, Vanderjagt is an idiot Canadian.

You can best believe that New England coach Bill Bellichick has endlessly studied film of Week 16's San Diego/Indianapolis game. In that game, the Chargers stymied the Colts for three quarters, holding them to just 16 points and sacking Manning four times. The Patriots will likely be obligated to blitz and pressure Manning, especially since the Pats are lacking Ty Law and Tyrone Poole in the backfield.

Of course, New England has won without those two before, but this year's edition of the Colts is stronger than ever. Colts' giveaways have cost them in the past against the Patriots; this time, the Colts force a couple, helping Manning and company finally get over the hump.

Indianapolis wins, 34-31.