Back to the Future

Sunday April 3, 2005

The Yankees and Red Sox officially kicked off the 2005 MLB season tonight in a highly-anticipated rematch of last year's ALCS. These are not the same teams as last year, though, with hefty additions and subtractions on both sides.

Randy Johnson, Jaret Wright, and Carl Pavano join Mike Mussina and Kevin Brown in the Yankee rotation, and the Red Sox have added Wade Miller, Matt Clement, and David Wells to their rotation to balance out the loss of Pedro Martinez and Derek Lowe.

With Steinbrenner perched in his luxury suite and the seats packed at Yankee Stadium, the scene was set for the first in a series of matchups between the arch-enemies as Randy Johnson took the mound in the first inning, making his first start for the pinstripers.

Johnson's first pitch flew from his hand at over 100 mph, but went wildly sideways missing Johnny Damon, Jorge Posada, and the ump. After the crowd shook off the shock of their new ace's wild pitch, a few noticed screams coming from the camera bay. Freakishly, the pitch had gone directly through the lens of a camera and lodged itself in the operators eye socket. Baseball insiders commented later that at this moment Larry Walker had jumped off his couch and put himself flat against his carpeted floor.

Johnson collected himself and quickly disposed of Damon and the Sox in the top of the inning.

The other half of the pitching duel wheeled himself onto the mound in the bottom half of the inning. Curt Schilling, as many know, was not fully recovered from offseason ankle surgery, but somehow convinced everyone that he was prepared to start the season-opener. Perhaps in his wheelchair, Schilling looked less imposing, or maybe the seated position took a couple of miles off his fastball, but whatever the case, Sheffield and company laced into the bloody wonder for five hits and three runs.

With one out in the top half of the second inning, something pretty strange happened. Johnson was mid-windup when Jason Giambi's jersey came busting off of his chest. He started growing at an enormous rate and within minutes, was 10-feet tall, his hairy green body pulsing with rage. Giambi began tearing the bases out of the ground and launching them into the stands. Any fear the fans had that BALCO Giambi had a ‘roid rage problem was allayed when he snatched a premade sign hidden in the tarp that read, "The Hulk: Part II, in theatres July 4th," and did a lap around the outfield.

A string of hits by David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez inched the Sox closer in the fourth inning, scoring Jason Varitek from second. Manny's double down the first base foul line might have scored Johnny Damon, too, but Damon tripped on his hair and was tagged out at the plate.

In the bottom half of the fourth inning, blood now covering the entire mound, Schilling set down the Yanks in order, and Steinbrenner could be seen reaching for the phone.

Randy Johnson became a little wild in the fifth inning, which after the game he attributed to 'talking' and 'flash photography.' Tiger Woods showed up in the Yankee pressroom to offer statements.

Little Pokey Reese sent a goliath shot toward the left field upper deck with two out in the inning. We reproduce the actual on-air broadcast portion of this inning for dramatic effect.

"And there's a shot by Pokey Reese high into the New York night. Folks, that ball has a shot at the upper deck. Wait, folks, what's this? An usher is frantically grabbing a fan, giving him a glove and a jersey. The fan is now sprinting down the aisle, and YES! He makes the catch. We've just received word that the guy's name is ... YES! Jeffrey Maier, the newly-acquired Yankee outfielder. Look for that play on SportsCenter's Top 10."

The Big Unit's wildness continued his next time out, and a head-high fastball to Manny Ramirez set off a melee. Manny took two steps toward the mound, but before he could do anything, Pedro Martinez, who was at Yankee Stadium taunting fans, rushed on to the field and toward Johnson. Randy threw down his glove, fully prepared to take on Martinez, but was shoved aside when Don Zimmer, at the game promoting his latest boxing match, brushed him aside and went straight at Pedro. Both teams, confused by the altercation between the non-participants, waited for the umpires to break up the fight and escort both out of the stadium.

By the ninth inning, the Yanks still led 3-1 and they turned to the bullpen to protect Randy's lead. Mariano Rivera had finished warming up and waited for a Boston batter to take the plate, except no one came. Johnny Damon, meanwhile, was running frantically around the visitor's dugout looking for a bat. After a delay of 10 minutes, and the refusal by the Yankees to let Damon borrow a bat, Bud Selig walked onto the field and announced the game was over, and in addition, that since the Yankees won they would have home field advantage for the season, playing all but two games in the Bronx.

After the decision, an excited Randy Moss ran from his seat in the stands to the batters box where he proceeded to rub his bottom on home plate while Tom Green led the crowd in a stirring rendition of "My bum is on the plate."

Following the game, Red Sox officials declined to comment on a story that all of the team's equipment was for sale on eBay by a 'd. mientkiewicz.'

Final Score: Yankees 3, Red Sox 1.