Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
St. Louis @ Seattle
"Perhaps the football gods were looking down upon the Rams and myself," beams an ecstatic Mike Martz. "First, the Saints beat the Panthers, then we edge the Jets in overtime just minutes after they find out they are in the playoffs. Gosh, were the Jets even trying there at the end?"
Yes, Mike, the stars seemed to align themselves for you, or maybe Will and Holly arranged those crystals perfectly in the Sleestaks' pyramid, much like they did on The Land Of The Lost. Wasn't it cool how that one Sleestak, I think his name was Enoch, wore a red lame vest, and nothing else?
"Good gracious, man," exclaims Martz. "While you were wasting the Saturdays of your youth on morning pulp entertainment, I was designing complicated offensive stratagems for teams in the college ranks. But you're right, Enoch was a picture of primitive reptile style and hipness in the red vest."
Indeed, Enoch was the Hugh Hefner of prehistoric times. But you know that hissing sound the Sleestak made? That's the sound I'm making, because I'm quite irritated that two NFC West teams made the playoffs. But maybe the football gods are looking down upon me, because those two NFC West teams play each other, insuring that only one will advance. And, if the regular season is any indication, the Rams should be the team to advance. The Rams swept the Seahawks this year, including a 33-27 comeback win in Seattle in Week 5.
"That loss was the beginning of our spiral downward that ended with a 9-7 record," says Seattle running back Shaun Alexander. "Normally, a record like that wouldn't get you anywhere, but this year, in the NFC, the conference surely to be dominated in the Super Bowl, 9-7 gets you the playoffs and the pansy division title. To be honest, I'm a little embarrassed to be here."
Don't be embarrassed about that, Shaun. You should be embarrassed about criticizing your coach, Mike Holmgren, for not giving you the ball on Atlanta's one-yard line last week in the fourth quarter. Holmgren instead called for a quarterback sneak, a move that you, Shaun, claimed cost you the NFL rushing title. Well, maybe it did, but you have this little problem called "the goal-line fumble" that maybe your coach was worried about.
Anyway, in this game, as in the conclusion of a courtroom trial, the defense rests. In other words, the Rams can't stop the run, and the Seahawks can stop the pass. In their two meetings this year, the Rams defense gave up 393 yards rushing, while the Seattle defense surrendered 587 yards passing. That's the kind of numbers one would expect from a 9-7 division winner and an 8-8 wildcard team. This game may be decided by whomever has the ball last. I'm guessing the Seahawks get the final shot, and Josh Brown wins it with a field goal as time expires.
Seattle wins, 30-27.
N.Y. Jets @ San Diego
"I know it seems like ancient history," says Jets head coach and future headliner on the World Professional Motivational Speakers Tour, Herman Edwards, "but we did beat the Chargers earlier this year."
Come on, Herm, you're kidding me, right? The Jets beat the Chargers? When? I suppose now you're going to tell me the Jets were undefeated at some point this season, say, after five or so games?
"I know it's kind of hard to believe," replies Edwards, "even for me, but we were 5-0."
The Jets' season mirrors that of the Vikings: quick start, terrible finish, lose your way into the playoffs.
"And like the Vikings, owe a special thanks to the Saints," adds Chad Pennington, "we owe a special thanks to the Steelers, who beat the Bills, allowing us into the playoffs, despite losing our last two, just like the Vikes. Thanks, Steelers!"
Gee, Chad. You sound very proud of the fact that you stumbled into the playoffs. But that's why you start 5-0: to give yourself room to go 5-6 down the stretch and still make the playoffs, right? But check this out, Chad. Just as the Jets are a wildcard, so are you. We know the Jets' defense is solid, as well as the running game, with Curtis Martin and Lamont Jordan. The questions are: can your spindly right arm make the throws? If Santana Moss is open 40 yards downfield, will he have to backtrack to catch the weak pass you throw to him?
"I just remembered. I'm not answering any questions. Toodles."
Now the Chargers, on the other hand, know how to take it to the house. After a 3-3 start, the Chargers nearly ran the table in their last 10 games, winning nine on their way to clinching the AFC West and a first-round home game.
"As the season goes longer, the Chargers get stronger," says San Diego coach Marty Schottenheimer. "I've got to give my wife credit for coining that phrase. Whether or not it has anything to do with football, I don't know. I became a little suspicious when I found her hiding in LaDainian Tomlinson's locker listening to a 2 Live Crew album. If I hadn't been in that same situation before, I'd say something was up."
L.T., Drew Brees, Antonio Gates, and the rest of the Chargers are too much for the Jets, especially at Qualcomm Stadium, where they are 7-1. Of course, that one loss was at the hands of the Jets, but the revenge incentive will only add to the Chargers' desire. Tomlinson rushes for a score, and Brees throws two TD passes.
San Diego advances with a 23-15 win.
Denver @ Indianapolis
"I've got just one thing to say," says record-setting Colts' quarterback Peyton Manning. "If my backup, Jim Sorgi, can throw for 168 yards and two touchdowns against the Broncos last week, then just imagine what I can do against them in the first round of the playoffs. My man Jim Sorgi softened up that Denver defensive backfield as only Jim Sorgi could; now, I'm prepared to go ballistic on the Broncos."
"Manning can talk all he wants," replies Denver coach Mike Shanahan. "He's earned the right to smack talk. But we feel pretty good about beating the Colts for the second straight week. After all, last week we held Manning to zero touchdown passes. I repeat: zero. That makes us the only team to hold Peyton to zero TD passes this season."
You're right, Shanny. Manning wasn't able to throw a single touchdown pass against your Broncos. Maybe you were just blinded by giddiness at being gifted with a playoff entry, but Manning played one series and completed only one pass.
"Was it a touchdown?" asks Shanahan.
No.
"My point exactly."
Shanahan and his Broncos will try to counter the Indy air attack with a clock-consuming ground game, led by the running back duo of Reuben Droughns and Tatum Bell.
"The Colts' offense can't score if they're not on the field," Broncos safety John Lynch obviously states. "Unfortunately for me, if the Colts' offense is not on the field, then I'm not on the field, and everyone, as well as my checkbook, is safe from a concussion-inducing helmet-to-helmet cheap shot that I am infamous for. Like Ric Flair, I'm the dirtiest player in the game."
Denver should be able to run the ball against the Colts, provided the Broncos don't fall victim to the quick-strike Colts early in the game. Should that happen, Denver will have to abandon the running game and rely on the arm of quarterback Jake Plummer. Plummer, known to some defenses as "The Gift That Keeps On Giving," to other defenses as "Habitual Interception," and known to the rest as "The Snake," is a fairly decent quarterback when he's not tossing INTs and earning nicknames.
"Isn't that like saying Manning sucks," asks Plummer, "except for those 49 touchdown passes?"
Yes, I guess it is.
"Then, I don't know whether to be flattered or offended."
Take offense, Jake, because that's what I'm doing. I'm taking the Colts' offense over anything with which the Broncos can counter. Manning throws three touchdown passes, Edgerrin James rushes for one, and Indy maintains a touchdown or more lead throughout. A late score by Denver keeps the score respectable.
Indy wins, 34-29, then prepares for the much-anticipated rematch versus the Patriots.
Minnesota @ Green Bay
Let's see: for the last two weeks of the regular season, the Vikings were in the position of controlling their own destiny. A win in either game would have secured a playoff spot. So, what do the Vikings do? They lose their last two, then are saved when the Saints upset the Panthers. Can you say "slipping in the playoffs through the backdoor?"
"Yeah dog, I can say that," replies Randy Moss. "But I'd rather say this: 'Backdoor Bonanza.' When people ask me, 'Randy, how'd you get into the playoffs?', it sounds a lot cooler to simply answer 'Backdoor Bonanza,' than explain to them how we got in with an 8-8 record. You dig, dog?"
Yeah, Randy, I dig. But just to clarify: when you say "Backdoor Bonanza," are you referring to I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, or VIII?
"Oh, I'm talking 'bout the box set, player."
If you keep up with football, you are certainly familiar with the Vikings' penchant for fast starts, late-season swoons, and choking on the final week and missing the playoffs. Last week was no different, except the Vikings miraculously made the postseason, thanks to the aforementioned Panthers' loss.
"I equate that to flying a plane over the Football Ocean," explains Mike Tice, "experiencing catastrophic engine failure, crashing into Playoff Island, and being met by a man in a white suit named Mr. Rourke, a midget, and hot island chicks eager to 'lei' me and serve mixed drinks with little, tiny umbrellas."
Green Bay, on the other hand, won the NFC North Division with style and savoir-faire comparable to that of Ricardo Montalban hawking the rich, Corinthian leather interior of a 1977 Chrysler Cordoba. And now, they welcome Minnesota to the Packers' Fantasy Island, the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field in January.
"We know the last time we hosted a domed team at Lambeau for a playoff game," adds Brett Favre, "we lost, to those stinking Falcons two years ago. This year, we vow to reclaim the Lambeau mystique without the use of a Ouija board and satanic chants. We plan to do it the old-fashioned way — by icing the Vikes. And if Randy Moss wants to head to the locker room early, then we won't stop him."
The latest episode in the "Randy Moss Not Giving 100% Saga" was Moss' decision to leave the field at Washington with the Vikes down 21-18 and preparing to attempt an onside kick.
"Man, I was just trying to get a jump on the celebratory champagne in the locker room," explains Moss. "We already knew we were in the playoffs, and I take plays off all the time. Does it really matter if I take the last play of the game off as opposed to the ninth play of the second quarter? A play's a play. The whole situation is played out, player."
As are the Vikings Super Bowl hopes. However, you can never discount a team quarterbacked by Daunte Culpepper, who has had arguably the greatest non-MVP season of any quarterback. Should Culpepper stay hot, Moss get focused, and the Vikings' defense make one or two big plays, Minnesota could beat the Packers. If not, they lose as expected.
Call it a hunch, and probably a wrong one, but I'll go with the Vikes in an upset, 37-35.
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