NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 17

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Cincinnati @ Philadelphia

Were it 1976, mid-October, and a deciding Game 5 of the National League Championship Series between the Reds and Phillies, this game might mean something. As it is, it means nothing to the Eagles, except a mini-bye heading into their official bye week next week. However, the game has plenty of meaning for the Bengals, who, with a win, would finish 8-8. In both cases, the game would mean something to Pete Rose, whether he is fielding third for the Reds, or laying wads of cash on the outcome of Bengals/Eagles.

"This is my favorite time of year to bet," explains Rose. "I have no idea how games like this will play out, being that the Eagles will sit their starters and the Bengals will play all of theirs. Normally, I'm used to betting on games I can control, like those in which I am managing."

If you bet on games like this, you are either rich, addicted to gambling, or stupid. The Philly starters play for a quarter, if that much, and take a brief lead, but the Bengals come back and take a 24-14 win.

Cleveland @ Houston

The Texans dashed the playoff hopes of the Jaguars last Sunday, dominating with a 21-0 victory.

"Let's hope they don't do the same to us," says Cleveland interim coach Terry Robiskie.

Wait a minute, Terry. If I'm not mistaken, Cleveland is one of those team listed at the bottom of the NFL Playoff Scenarios as "Eliminated From Playoff Contention," as they have been since, oh, say, Week 7.

"Yeah, I know that," replies Robiskie. "But I'm talking about the Texans dashing our hopes by losing to us and ruining our chances for the No. 2 pick in next year's draft."

"We're basically a bunch of nice guys," says Texans' coach Dom Capers. "So I don't see us pulling that kind of evil stunt against the Browns."

Dominic Davis rushes for a score, and David Carr throws two touchdown passes.

Houston wins, 30-10.

Detroit @ Tennessee

The over under for this game is 45, but that's not points. It is the number of television viewers watching the game on FOX.

Unfortunately, fans will miss quite an entertaining game. Detroit running back Kevin Jones is jonesing to break off another 100-yard rushing effort and solidify his lead as the league's leading rookie rusher. Tennessee's Drew "The White Shadow" Bennett is eager to add to his receiving touchdown total of 10.

"I'm also anxious to put on a green headband and entertain a national television audience with my impression of Salami from The White Shadow," adds Bennett.

You do that, Drew, and tell Coolidge he could have been the next Sam Bowie had he kept up his grades.

The Titans' season finale may also mark the final game of icon Steve McNair, who is contemplating retirement after 10 years.

"I don't think Steve has made up his mind yet," notes Titans' coach Jeff Fisher. "But, just in case, when the game ends, we'll all join hands and sing Auld Lang Syne, in honor of Steve."

The Titans' season ends on a sour note, as Jones rushes for 132 yards and a touchdown. Joey Harrington serves notice that he is still the man at QB for the Lions (until someone tells him otherwise) with two TD passes. Lions win, 34-21.

As McNair and teammates sway back and forth while singing Auld Lang Syne, McNair aggravates a turf toe injury from three years ago.

Green Bay @ Chicago

Like Philadelphia, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, New England, Indianapolis, and San Diego, Green Bay has the luxury of sitting its starters, as they have nothing to gain with a win Sunday. From the bench, the starters should have a good view of a nearby scoreboard, which should keep them abreast of the scores in the Saints/Panthers, Vikings/Redskins, and Jets/Rams games. As the No. 3 seed, the Packers will be facing the #6 seed, which could be either the Saints, Panthers, Vikings, or Rams.

"It doesn't matter who we play," says Packer coach Mike Sherman. "But I'm getting ready to contradict my last statement, just like any coach does when asked who he'd rather play. I think the team we'd least like to play is the Panthers. All the other teams play indoors, not to mention they are soft, and their coaches are idiots. So, I think we'd rather see one of those indoor teams in the No. 6 seed."

Chicago would be coming off a victory over the Lions had replay officials done their job correctly and overruled an incomplete call on what should have been the game-winning touchdown.

"Nuts and bolts. We got screwed. But despite what Troy Aikman says," explains Bears coach Lovie Smith, "replay is still a good thing. But apparently, sometimes, those clowns in the booth don't know the rules of the game. Possession and two feet in bounds is a catch, right?"

Normally, Lovie. Maybe you should engage in a little small talk before the game, like Lions' coach Steve Mariucci does.

"Is that also known as ass-kissing?" asks Smith.

This time, the officials don't screw the Bears, but the Packers do.

Green Bay tunes up for the playoffs with a 23-19 win.

Miami @ Baltimore

The Ravens are seething after last week's spanking at the hands of the Steelers, a loss that in all likelihood ended Baltimore's playoff hopes.

"Yes, it was a heartbreaking defeat," says Ray Lewis. "One that will haunt us for years to come. For the time being, we'll play Sunday like we still can get in the playoffs, which we can, with a lot of help. That means, simply: watch out, Miami Dolphins."

The members of the Ravens, whether because of insanity of stupidity, express an unorthodox manner of intimidation: they go to the Baltimore Aquarium and maniacally stare at the dolphins in the ocean tank, berating the aquatic mammals with vile language and profane gestures. The dolphins are somewhat offended, but take comfort in knowing that they are smarter than the Baltimore Ravens, as well as ravens in general, football players, in general, and humans, in general.

"Are those fish laughing at me?" asks Lewis.

Yes, Ray, they are. And that laughter could quickly change to rage if you don't watch what you say. Dolphin Rule No. 1: Don't ever call a dolphin a fish.

"Sorry about that, Flipper," Lewis says, apologetically.

Lewis gets the crazy idea that the Miami Dolphins would be upset if he called them fish, so he does. Miami quarterback Sage Rosenfels can only say "Huh?" when Lewis sacks him, then calls him a "rainbow trout." Running back Travis Minor is equally mystified when Lewis lambastes him with a cry of "you slimy catfish" after a Lewis tackle.

"How you like me now, Dolphins?" taunts Lewis, after the Ravens close out a 20-3 win.

Later, Lewis presents the dolphins at the aquarium with a game ball as a token of appreciation.

Minnesota @ Washington

"Hmmmm. This all seems vaguely familiar," says Mike Tice. "Last week of the season; must-win situation to make the playoffs; on the road against a tough opponent with a losing record. Like Yogi Berra or Casey Stengel or some other nitwitted baseball legend said, 'It's déjà vu all over again.'"

It's good to see you can acknowledge your past, Mike. Last year, the Vikings needed a win at Arizona to secure a playoff spot. As it turned out, they lost 18-17 on a Cardinal touchdown on the last play of the game, and their playoff hopes ended abruptly. To make it even more painful, their loss allowed their rivals from Green Bay entry into the playoffs.

"This year," explains Randy Moss, "our New Year's resolution is to not do anyone any favors, except ourselves. Missing out on last year's playoffs was a big stack of wack, man. Mad skillz is now in full effect, with the hamstring at 100%, and I'm ready to go oops upside somebody's head, 'cause I got the power, and it's getting kind of hectic with the playoffs looming."

I think what Randy just said is the Vikings can do some damage — if they can make it in the playoffs. The keys are the big play from Moss, who has 12 touchdowns from only 44 receptions, and the Vikings' defense.

"We need our defense to come up big from here on out," adds Tice. "And by come up big, I mean hold our opponents to no more than 31 points."

Luckily for the Vikes, the 'Skins' offense is shaky as it is, and they will be without running back Clinton Portis, injured with a pectoral tear. Washington is also ailing on defense, as cornerback Fred Smoot is doubtful with a kidney bruise. All this spells victory for Minnesota, a No. 5 seed, and a visit to Seattle in the first round of the playoffs.

Vikings win, 24-20.

New Orleans @ Carolina

The "Elimination Chamber" descends upon Bank of America Field for the "Win and You're In" game featuring the Saints, winners of three straight, and the Panthers, who are 6-1 after a 1-7 start.

"We've come too far to turn back," Carolina coach John Fox explains. "If we can make the playoffs after what we've been through, we'll be remembered for years. If we lose now, no one will remember a thing."

The Panthers are attempting to become the first team in history to start 1-7 and make the playoffs.

The Saints are visiting uncharted territories themselves.

"Yeah, a three-game win streak and still in the playoff race with one to go," says Saints' receiver Joe "Me So" Horn. "That's unheard of. We usually have to bust our asses to put together a one-game streak. And, most years, we've played our way out of the playoffs by Week 14, at the latest. If we win, it looks like we'll be headed to Green Bay for a game outdoors in January. And, to my knowledge, we've never lost a game outdoors in January."

And, to my knowledge, you've never played one.

Jake Delhomme passes for three touchdowns, and the Panthers achieve the postseason with a 30-21 victory.

N.Y. Jets @ St. Louis

"I can totally relate to Chad Pennington's quandary," a sympathetic Mike Martz says. "I know what it's like to be stigmatized as a big-game loser. I've been there, done that. Like Hester Prynne in Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter, I've suffered from shame and guilt as the result of a letter attached to me. Her's was a red 'A.' Mine is a giant, red 'L.'"

That would be "L" for "loser," Chad.

Besides being a loser, Martz may be the worst coach at maintaining player-coach relationships in the business. With rumors about his job security floating around, Martz had the Rams' owner, Georgia Frontiere, write a letter clarifying Martz's status. The letter was then posted in each player's locker area. Wow! Talk about having your players' unquestioned support. Then, Martz and injured Rams' offensive tackle Kyle Turley engaged in a heated argument in Martz's office, resulting in Martz calling security to have Turley escorted out. Martz claims Turley threatened to kill him, a charge Turley denies.

"I don't believe Turley's version at all," says Rams' wide receiver Torry "Big Game" Holt, who, by the way, has had maybe two big games this year. "Every player on this team has threatened Coach Martz's life at least once; some, like Chris Chandler, have done it multiple times. Kyle's probably the most volatile guy on the team. For him to say he's never threatened Martz's life? That's unbelievable. Now, pardon me, I've got to call in a bogus bomb threat."

It's clear that Martz has no respect from the players, and, he must be an idiot. You have to be an idiot to inflame the monstrous Turley by questioning his commitment to rehabbing his injured back. And, you must be an idiot if the guys on ESPN's Monday Night Countdown ridicule you for a solid 10 minutes, and laughing their tails off as they do it.

"Martz is a fool," comments Tom Jackson, "and he's lucky he didn't get Jacked Up! by Turley."

Martz doesn't have the skills to lead the Rams to a win over a better team. Curtis Martin rushes for 100 yards and two touchdowns, and the Jets sew up the No. 5 seed, with a 27-21 win.

Pittsburgh @ Buffalo

"You know," says Buffalo coach Mike Mularkey, "Eric Clapton wrote a song that perfectly describes the Steelers' situation in this game."

"You look wonderful tonight," says Steelers' coach Bill Cowher.

"No, Bill. Not that Eric Clapton song," Mularkey replies.

"Eric Clapton song? Who said anything about an Eric Clapton song. Man, you don't take compliments very well."

Mike, you'll have to excuse Bill. He just heard that Dave Wannstedt was named the new Pittsburgh coach. He's yet to realize it was the University of Pittsburgh that hired Wannstedt. But you're looking for an Eric Clapton song that describes an NFL team. That's easy. "Cocaine."

"Good guess," responds Mularkey. "But I'm looking for the one that describes the Steelers. And that would be "Lay Down Sally." That's because Pittsburgh has locked up homefield throughout the playoffs. With nothing to play for, we're hoping they will just 'lay down' and let us whip them. Then, with a win, we'll have to wait and see if the Colts do the same for the Broncos. In that case, we'll be crying a River of Tears and we probably will be doing some Cocaine."

The Bills do their part to make the playoffs, with a 23-17 win, then hope that the Broncos lose. Willis McGahee busts a move and racks up 120 yards and a touchdown.

San Francisco @ New England

The 49ers fly 2,700 miles (5,400 round trip) to get whipped by several of the Patriots' backups; then, on the return flight to San Francisco following the game, 49ers' coach Dennis Erickson is handed his walking papers. Thus, Erickson becomes the first NFL head coach fired 30,000 feet in the air, thereby earning him the distinction as first member of the Mile High Club (of Scrubs). And, judging by the wackiness of college and pro hirings and firings this time of year, Erickson may actually have a new job by the time his plane touches down.

The Patriots will use this game against the San Francisco Taxi Squad to rest their starters, and allow injured defensive backs Tyrone Poole and Ty Law an extra week of healing. As the No. 2 seed, a likely second round showdown (and rematch of last year's AFC Championship) with No. 3 seed Indianapolis looms.

"Luckily, we beat the Colts in week one," says Tom Brady. "So they have to put on their thermals and come see us. It's playoff football. It's supposed to be outdoors, or in Florida or California."

The Patriots' reserves pummel the hapless 49ers. New England wins, 27-10.

Atlanta @ Seattle

Michael Vick celebrated the signing of his new $100 million contract by buying his offensive lineman spinners for their pimped rides. Vick also had "80" tattooed on his upper left arm.

"That's for the eight zeros in 100,000,000," Vick explains. "I thought about a '37' for the other arm, for my $37 million in bonuses, but I figured that would be exorbitant, as tattoos go. I know 'exorbitant' is a word not normally in my vocabulary, but with 37 large cubed in my pocket, I can afford to buy anything, including words."

Ah, to be young, rich, and have two posses, one in Atlanta and one in Blacksburg, Virginia.

Seattle running back Shaun Alexander is young and rich, but he just looks too damn goofy to have even half a posse.

"Hey, I may be goofy," replies Alexander, "but I lead the league in touchdowns by a running back, pal."

I'm very proud of you, Shaun. You deserve a big, new contract, one which allows you to afford braces.

The Seahawks have already clinched a playoff spot, and can clinch the NFC West division with a win or St. Louis loss or tie. So, one of two things can happen: 1) Seattle wins, clinches the division, and becomes "Division winner most likely to be upset in the first round of the playoffs," or 2) they lose and become "Playoff team most likely to be upset at home."

The Falcons give a halfhearted effort for the first half, then sit their starters. The Seahawks are basically handed a victory (which is usually the only way they can win, anyway).

Seahawks win, 26-13.

Tampa Bay @ Arizona

The Cardinals were officially eliminated from the playoffs after last week's 24-21 loss at Seattle, leaving them with a record of 5-10.

"If you would have told me at the beginning of the season that we would still be in the playoff race with two games remaining," explains a long-winded Dennis Green, "I would have asked you, 'What? Has the NFL season been reduced from 16 to two games?'"

Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden was criticized last week by defensive end Simeon Rice, who cited a lack of leadership and discipline on Gruden's part. Rice and Gruden met later in the week to discuss the issue, and Gruden said that some of the criticism was warranted.

"Simeon is a respected veteran on this team," Gruden says, "and he's looking out for the team, not himself, whereas a punk like Keyshawn Johnson would have made comments like that strictly for his own benefit. Simeon respects me enough not to get in my face on the sideline in front of a television audience and scream at me; it was very commendable of him that initially cracked on me behind my back. Incidentally, 'Simeon Says' is one of my favorite childhood games of all-time.'"

Motivation will play a key factor in this game. What coach can convince his troops to go out and play like this game means something? I say Green, as the Cardinals are used to playing meaningless games quite often.

Josh McCown throws touchdowns to Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, and Arizona wins, 23-17.

Indianapolis @ Denver

With two touchdowns last week against the Chargers, Peyton Manning finally passed Dan Marino and now holds the NFL record for passing touchdowns in a season, with 49.

"And counting," adds Manning. "If that's not worth Michael Vick money, I don't know what is."

The Colts clinched the No. 3 seed in the playoffs, and have nothing to gain with a win over the Broncos.

"Au contraire, mon frere," replies Manning. "I want 50 touchdowns, Coach Dungy wants 13 wins, and we want to keep our momentum going. At least, that's what we're saying for now. Come game time, we may sit all our starters, let the reserves get some playing time, and take the loss. But it's a double-edged sword. If we let the Broncos win, they clinch the No. 6 seed and a matchup with us in round one. Now, do we really want to give the Broncos a psychological edge by allowing them to beat us, or do we want to beat them and eliminate them from the playoffs? The elimination edge sounds best to me, because those guys don't even deserve to be in the playoffs. Nor does that bearded goofball Jake Plummer deserve to be in the playoffs. Stand Plummer beside me and ask yourself: which one of these is the best quarterback in football, and which is Sasquatch? I think the answer is clear as a bell."

Indy will try to win this game — for about 18 minutes, then they will hand the Broncos a free pass to the playoffs, making the Colts a party to the biggest fraud of 2004. Indy's only punishment is a date with the Broncos the following week. Is that a punishment or reward? I say reward.

Denver wins, 29-10.

Jacksonville @ Oakland

There's only one way to describe being shut out 21-0 at home when knowing you must win to have any logical chance of making the playoffs.

"Yeah, I think it's called laying an egg and hatching a turd," explains a somber Jack Del Rio.

Now, the Jags, of course, need a win and help from the Steelers and Colts, with wins over the Bills and Broncos, respectively.

"I really don't think those teams are willing to help us in the way that we need," says Jack Del Rio. "Mike Mularkey's the former offensive coordinator of the Steelers; Bill Cowher will help an old friend. And why wouldn't Indy lose to Denver? They'll get to play them for real the following week, and will destroy them, as they did last year in the playoffs. I guess the best help we can hope for is a nice, hot dish of Hamburger Helper."

This being a four o'clock game, the Jaguars will probably know the result of the Buffalo game. A Buffalo loss, and Jacksonville may play like they did in beating the Packers two weeks ago. A Bills' win, and the Jags will be laying another egg. Omelet anyone?

The Jags pack it in early, and Kerry Collins lights up a dejected Jaguar secondary.

Oakland wins, 26-13.

Kansas City @ San Diego

Despite blowing a 15-point, fourth quarter lead and the likely AFC No. 3 playoff seed at Indianapolis last Sunday, San Diego will still host a first-round playoff game against the No. 5 seed, a slot yet to be determined.

"We proved that we can go the road, come out blazing, hold a double-digit fourth quarter lead," says Chargers' coach Marty Schottenheimer, "and still lose. That takes heart, or lack thereof."

The Chargers have all the prerequisites to make a playoff run. They have a solid, consistent quarterback in Drew Brees, a good defense, and a superstar at running back, LaDainian Tomlinson. The problem is, to make the Super Bowl, San Diego would likely have to the win two games on the road against cold weather teams (Pittsburgh and New England).

"Homefield is the most overrated advantage in football," says Brees. "We can go to New England, Pittsburgh, Moscow, the North Pole if we have to, to win the AFC Championship. And we'll have great tans while we do it."

In Kansas City, the Chiefs' offense has been clicking with Larry Johnson at running back, winning four straight. Rumors are rampant that the Chiefs, in the offseason, will deal Johnson for much-needed defensive help.

"If those fools in the front office had any sense," explains Johnson, "they would deal Priest Holmes. That way, they could get a couple a players instead of the one they'd get for me. Our defense is so bad, one guy won't make a difference, not even if it's the cloned lovechild of Merlin Olsen and Ray Nitchzke."

San Diego has nothing to gain with a win, so expect the starters to work up a good sweat, then put on their baseball caps. The Chiefs will then take over, if they haven't already. Trent Green throws two touchdowns, and Johnson rushes for one. Kansas City wins, 28-13.

Dallas @ N.Y. Giants

After all of Sunday afternoon's games are over and all of the playoff excitement is done, Sunday night brings us the anticlimax of the 6-9 Cowboys against the 5-10 Giants.

"Hey, if I wasn't coaching the Cowboys," says Bill Parcells, "I wouldn't watch it, either. Hell, I might not even show up."

Off-the-field events overshadow anything that goes down on the field. Cowboys' safety Darren Woodson has announced his retirement after 13 seasons and five Pro Bowls.

"I've thought about it long and hard," explains Woodson, "and discussed it at length with my family, pastor, accountant, and three Super Bowl rings, and they all say that it's time to get out."

In New York, Kurt Warner has announced his intentions to leave the Giants and seek a starting job elsewhere.

"Before anybody makes a joke about it," says Warner, "by 'elsewhere,' I mean elsewhere in the NFL, not in NFL Europe, not in Arena Football, and certainly not bagging groceries in Iowa."

Hey, Kurt. It sounds like your wife Brenda is calling the shots again. Admit it. She wears the helmet in your family, right?

"Kurt, I appreciate you mentoring me this year," says Eli Manning, "although everything you told me I'd already learned from my dad and brother before I reached my teens. But thanks anyway. Good luck and good riddance."

Manning throws two touchdowns, and the Giants break their eight-game losing streak with a 24-22 win over the Cowboys.