Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Green Bay @ Minnesota
The colors of the Detroit Lions are silver and blue. Why is that significant, you may ask? Well, I'll let Randy Moss tell you.
"Those fools handed us a win on a silver platter, dog," adds Moss. "Damn, they couldn't convert an extra point with eight seconds left that would have tied the game. Let me just give mad props to my homey Santa Clause, the man who's funky fresh with the flying reindeer, and the originator of the skull cap. Thanks, Santa, for the early Christmas gift. Don't forget to drop by the Moss home for some Mary Jane brownies and an Irish Yoo-hoo."
Moss and his mad skillz are back in early season form, as evidenced by his career-long 82-yard touchdown reception last Sunday.
"Yep. That means the hamstring is fully healed," Moss says. "So, 'da bomb' is back in 'da 'Dome.' It's the return of the long ball, and chicks dig the long ball."
The Packers enjoyed a little luck of their own last week, despite losing to Jacksonville.
"Yeah, we lost and still clinched a playoff spot," explains Brett Favre. "What is this? The NFC West?"
A lot rides on the outcome of this game. One, the division title, and, two, the No. 3 seed in the NFC. The loser likely takes the No. 5 seed and a probable first-round matchup with the pathetic NFC West winner.
"So," says Favre, "you're saying we would be better off losing this game."
No, Brett, my lips aren't moving, but I'm winking uncontrollably.
Moss and Daunte Culpepper hook up for a score and lead the Vikings to a 34-31 win. Suckers!
Oakland @ Kansas City
"We're obviously peaking right now," notes Chiefs' head coach Dick Vermeil. "The problem is, it's occurring about eight weeks too late."
Kansas City has won three in a row, a streak that has coincided with the emergence of backup running back Larry Johnson, who has rushed for 373 yards and five touchdowns in those wins.
"You know," adds Johnson, "I owe it all to Coach Vermeil. If he had not told me to take off those diapers earlier in the year, I wouldn't be experiencing the success I have. Those bulky Pampers really hinder your cutback and slashing ability, especially when wet, and it's really embarrassing to have the outline of a diaper showing through tight-fitting football pants."
Tell me about it.
In Oakland news, Raider defensive back Charles Woodson was arrested after last Sunday's game against Tennessee on a charge of public intoxication.
"Man, I got to get this charge dropped," cries Woodson. "Public intoxication? That's weak. I'm a Raider. My rap sheet is long and hard core. I got assaults, DWIs, resisting arrest. I can't have public intoxication on my record. Let me be a drunk in peace. I wish those cops would have at least made me take a swing at them; then they could have charged me with assault. I can live with that."
Whether or not Woodson is suspended for Sunday' game matters little; the Chiefs will score 35 or more, regardless. Johnson continues his Priest Holmes-like production, with 140 yards rushing and two touchdowns.
Chiefs win, 38-31.
Denver @ Tennessee
The biggest seasonal hit on Denver radio airwaves is a remake of a Christmas classic called The Little Plummer Boy, which features the refrain "...another I-N-T, da dumb dumb dumb dumb."
"I can't get that tune out of my head," says Denver coach Mike Shanahan. "It's very catchy. But the song I'd really like to hear is Jake Got Run Over By a Reindeer. That would really put me in the Christmas spirit."
Well, Jake Plummer must indeed have the holiday spirit, because for the last four weeks, he's been all about giving. That is, giving the ball to the other team. In the Broncos' last four games, Plummer has thrown nine interceptions, and only two touchdowns.
"That sucks," adds Shanahan. "To borrow a line from another overrated coach, Mike Martz, Plummer has been holding this team hostage. It's up to me to end his reign of terror. I'll do that by continuing to start him."
Two thousand light years away at the other end of the quarterbacking spectrum is Titan Billy Volek, who, in his last two games, has passed for 918 yards and eight touchdowns.
"Well, sure I've got 918 yards and eight touchdowns," Volek boasts, "but the team doesn't have jack squat to show for it, except two losses."
At this point, Billy, with the Titans out of the playoffs, nothing matters except individual stats, so keep slinging that ball. Volek's favorite target in wide receiver Drew Bennett, and together, they have formed the most potent white-quarterback-to-white-receiver connection in the NFL.
"Let me correct you there," says Bennett. "It's the only white-quarterback-to-white-receiver connection in the game. In fact, I think I may be the only white receiver in the game not named Wayne Chrebet."
Denver's playoff lives are riding on a victory over the Titans, with hopes that the Jaguars lose to the Texans. Expect the game plan to call for a lot of Reuben Droughns, with some low-risk passes from Plummer. The Broncos step up on defense, with Champ Bailey slowing the Volek-to-Bennett connection.
Denver squeezes out a victory, 30-28.
Atlanta @ New Orleans
Michael Vick: nepotist.
"What!?" says Vick. "You can call me a Baptist, a Methodist, or even a pugilist, but don't accuse me of not believing in God."
No, you've got it all wrong, Michael. I called you a nepotist, not an atheist. A nepotist is one who shows favoritism based on kinship. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the cousin of Aaron Brooks?
"Why, yes. Yes, I am."
And, since the Falcons have clinched the NFC South and a second-round playoff home game, and a win does nothing for them, maybe you can show a little of that nepotism and give the Saints a victory.
"Maybe I will," replies Vick. "Let's face it. The Saints aren't going to make the playoffs on their own merit, so, obviously, they'll need help from an opponent. Since Aaron's my cuz, I'll give him a little of that nepotism, as you call it."
"Thanks, but no thanks, Michael," says Brooks. "I got some nepotism from a girlfriend once, and I was on penicillin for two weeks. You keep that stuff."
In any case, let's pray that only one NFC West team makes the playoffs. That would mean the final wildcard spot could come down to the Saints and Panthers in Week 17. Naturally, the Saints will lose that game, but they will beat the Falcons, as Vick sits, out to put themselves in position for the heartbreak.
Saints win, 25-20.
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
"Revenge is a dish best served cold," says Steelers' coach Bill Cowher, "as is crow, which is pretty much a raven, just without the English accent. That's why we plan on giving Baltimore a serving of ice-cold ass whipping on Sunday."
"When Bill speaks," says Baltimore coach Brian Billick, "he should come with a disclaimer saying that he is not obligated if none of what he says makes sense. Like what he just said. A bird with an English accent? Huh? And they're going to serve us with an ass whipping? Hey, Cowher: Don't sing it! Bring it!"
Ravens/Steelers is one of the most heated rivalries is the NFL. And when you factor in the playoff implications of this game, the intensity rises to a new level. Ray Lewis' pre-game "I'm being attacked by a swarm of bees" dance will be fraught with more emotion; Ed Reed will call his teammates "dog" twice as many times as normal; Hines Ward will smile twice as much. Everything goes to that "next level" when these two teams collide. Baltimore is involved in one of the tightest races for the final playoff spot in years; they have to win. A Steelers' win, and Pittsburgh assures themselves of homefield advantage throughout the playoffs.
"We're backed into a corner," says Lewis. "When you back a Raven into a corner, it ... uh, well, it usually flies away. Bad analogy there. Okay, let's say we're a rabid dog. When you back a rabid dog into a corner, it ... uh ... well, you shoot it. Bad example. Damnit, let's just say you back Ray Lewis into a corner. I'm coming out swinging, and I usually hit something."
Don't make Ray angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
The Ravens play with bad intentions, and shock the Steelers.
Ravens win, 16-13.
Chicago @ Detroit
The 5-9 Bears travel to the 5-9 Lions for the battle of the ... well, it's really not a battle for anything, really, except to get out of the cellar in the NFC North. More importantly, though, it's Lovie versus Mooch. No, not the toy dog division at the Westminster Kennel Club, but Lovie Smith against Steve Mariucci.
"You know," says Mariucci, "it's an indescribable feeling when you miss a PAT with eight seconds left that would have tied the game. It's like all the air going out of your balloon. So, right now, our balloon is deflated, and we've got the lungs of 90-year-old lifetime smoker."
"I really can't relate to what Steve's feeling about missing that PAT," explains Smith. "I'm actually not even sure what a PAT is anymore. We haven't scored an offensive touchdown in our last two games. You have to score a touchdown to miss a PAT, so at least we haven't been in the position to miss one. I think it's better just to go ahead an lose by 19 points than to miss a PAT and lose by one. But that's just my opinion."
At least you're honest, Lovie. The Bears' lack of offensive production rears its ugly head again, like a Don Imus jack-in-the-box, and the Lions rely on the Joey Harrington to Roy Williams connection once again.
Lions win, 24-16.
Houston @ Jacksonville
"Wow! What a big win for the Jaguars last Sunday in frigid Green Bay," says a proud Jack Del Rio. "Our playoff mojo is on the rise and we're looking good for that final spot. But doggone! It was cold last Sunday! If I were Hispanic, I guess I'd have to call myself Jose De La Frio."
Haha! Jack Del Rio es loco.
It was a huge win for the Jags. Should they win out, beating Houston then the Raiders in Oakland, then they will likely secure the No. 6 AFC seed.
"Likely is right," says Jack Del Rio. "But that means there's a chance we may not make it, even if we win our last two. Of course, the NFL tiebreaker system is like rocket science to me; I don't understand it, nor do I care to. However, we do have a unit of encryption experts working on decoding playoff scenarios so we'll know exactly where we stand."
Dom Capers, on the other hand, is not talking playoffs. As he almost always does before a Week 16 game, Capers is feeding his players some gibberish about "playing for pride" and "building on something for next year." Well, if you substitute "money" for "pride" and change that "something" to "finishing behind the Colts and Jaguars," then you're right, Dom. So, let's try not to mislead these young, impressionable men, okay?
Jacksonville falls behind early, but after a few choice words from Jack Del Rio, the Jags respond and take a 27-17 win.
N.Y. Giants @ Cincinnati
Last week against the Steelers, Eli Manning stared into the eye of the beast that is the league's best defense, and didn't blink.
This week, the Bengals are standing in front of Manning, looking at him with the hunger of a wild animal.
"Again, I won't blink," says Manning. "It's the eye of the tiger. It's the thrill of the fight. Rising up to the challenge of our rival? That's what gets me fired up. So many times, it happened too fast. You trade your passion for glory. I took my time, took my chances, went the distance. Now I'm back on my feet. Just a man and his will to survive. Again, it's the eye of the tiger."
What passion, Eli! Somewhere, Sylvester Stallone is pounding on a side of beef in a Philadelphia meat packing plant. And, don't forget. Mail out that royalty check to that band Survivor.
Manning finally got over that rookie hump with two touchdown passes against the Steelers as the Giants nearly pulled off the upset, losing 33-30.
"I've been waiting for that kid to calm down and perform like I know he can," says Tom Coughlin. "Now, I expect some Manning-like numbers immediately."
"Gee, I hope he means Archie Manning-like numbers and not Peyton Manning-like numbers," sighs Eli.
I don't think Archie Manning-like stats are too much to expect, and neither do the Bengals. That's why Cincinnati only has to score 27 points to beat the Giants, and not the 42 they would likely have needed to beat the Colts. Rudi Johnson rushes for 110 yards and a touchdown as the Bengals win, 27-21.
San Diego @ Indianapolis
"Cut that meat! Cut that meat!"
Oops. Sorry. I was just standing in line at the deli and was overcome by the sudden urge to say that. I also feel the need to tailgate in a stadium parking lot and chant, "Let's go insurance adjusters, let's go. Let's go insurance adjusters, let's go." Maybe I've seen that Visa commercial starring Peyton Manning, or maybe I'm just wacked out of my mind on angel dust. Either way, it's a great feeling.
As I'm sure it's a great feeling for Peyton Manning, being that your acting ability is only surpassed by your ability as a quarterback. But Peyton, baby, will you break Dan Marino's record already? Stop stringing us along.
"Look, I've got a lot of respect for Dan," explains Manning. "So, from that respect and out of the kindness of my heart, I'm only going to break his record, and not shatter it. I'll get two to break it this week, then next week, in a game that won't matter to us, I'll tack on one more to make it an even 50. And, get this. Since former president Benjamin Harrison is on the front of the fifty dollar bill, the number 50 TD pass will go to Marvin Harrison."
I see what you're doing, Peyton. You just want fans to toss $50 bills on the field when you make that pass, right?
"Hey, I got to make a living."
As playoff seedings go, this game has implications out the buttocks. Actually, it has only one implication: who acquires the No. 3 in the AFC. It's simple: the winner does. Now, since the Jets are almost assured of the No. 5 seed, the loser of the Colts/Chargers would host the Jets in the first-round. The winner of Colts/Chargers would face Jacksonville, Baltimore, Buffalo, or Denver. I don't know about you, but the matchup I find most attractive is the Broncos, because they suck (maybe "they" don't suck, but Jake Plummer sure does).
And, get this: the Broncos host the Colts in Week 17. So, if the Colts beat the Chargers and decide they want to destroy the Broncos in the playoffs, then they can just lay down and allow the Broncos to win. That doesn't necessarily mean the Broncos are in, but it may.
Anyway, Manning finally gets the record with two TD passes. San Diego tight end Antonio Gates sets a record of his own, snagging his 13th TD pass, a record for tight ends. Edgerrin James adds a rush score for the Colts, and Indy holds on for a 27-24 win.
Buffalo @ San Francisco
"I've got a hungry team on my hands," says Bills' coach Mike Mularkey. "Hungry for respect. Hungry for a playoff spot. And hungry for a win at Monster Park. That's why we're filling our bellies with Rice-A-Roni, because, at 2-12 and the worst team in the league, we're calling the 49ers the 'San Francisco Treat."
Most teams find a visit to San Francisco a delicious treat, as the 49ers are 1-6 at home. It doesn't help that their coach, Dennis Erickson, seems more interested in running his resume for college jobs than he does making decisions to help the 49ers get better.
"I know one decision he could make to help us," adds San Fran QB Ken Dorsey. "And that's quit. I want to hear him say it. Say it!"
Maybe a destruction courtesy of Buffalo will make Erickson's decision easier. If the Bills do that, it will be without running back Willis McGahee, and with third-stringer Joe Burns. McGahee landed awkwardly on his surgically-repaired knee last Sunday at Cincinnati, so Burns will fill in while welders work on parts for McGahee's knee. Not that it matters; the Bills win with defense, and against the 49ers, the Bills' defense rules, and scores. Nate Clements returns an interception for a TD, and the Bills roll, 26-7.
"We're Buff, and we're the stuff!" a proud Mularkey shouts after the game.
New England @ N.Y. Jets
"It's the will. It ain't the skill."
That phrase seems to be Herman Edwards' new rallying cry for the Jets. Now, isn't that the same as saying your players have little skill but have the wills of spawning salmon racing upstream against fierce rapids in order to mate.
"So what?" replies Edwards. "You'd have me compare my men to a fish in order to fire them up? That's crazy!"
No, Herman. I'm just saying don't lie to them. Are you going to tell me that Santana Moss runs a 4.2-second 40-yard dash because he can will himself to do it? Or that Curtis Martin has rushed for over 13,000 yards in this business because he has no talent, but a hell of a will?
"Look, man. I'm just trying to get these guys ready for the Patriots," says Edwards.
Then focus on skill, Herman. The Patriots are suffering in the defensive secondary, so throw the ball. Take it to them; don't let them take it to you first. New England will be angry after losing to the Dolphins and basically ending any chance they had of gaining homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. Now, they are in danger of losing a first-round bye.
"What?! Wait! Hold on!" says Tom Brady. "How did that happen?"
Well, Tom. Most of it involved you throwing four interceptions against the Dolphins last Monday. The rest involves the Chargers beating the Colts on Sunday. But you would have to lose to the Jets, Tom.
"Wow. I guess I lost track of the standings," adds Brady, "just like I lost track of Miami defenders."
Chad Pennington finds Moss for a deep score in the third quarter, and the fired up Jets outplay the pissed-off Patriots.
New York wins, 20-17.
Arizona at Seattle
Believe it or not, Arizona can still win the NFC West division, even with a 5-9 record with two games remaining.
"Not!" says Cardinals' coach Dennis Green. "You've got to be kidding me? I expect now you're going to tell me your name is Ripley and you have a chain of cheesy, tourist-trap museums in cheesy, tourist-trap towns."
No, I'm not kidding you, and my name is not Ripley. I know a two-game winning streak by any team in the NFC West is asking way too much, but it can be done. And I know the Rams and Seahawks have taken most of the criticism for the state of the NFC West, but your Cardinals are guilty of their own brand of incompetence. Namely, two losses against the 49ers, their only two wins of the season, thus far. Dennis, you guys could be 7-7 and in perfect position to lose your way into the playoffs. Just as the Seahawks are.
"I thought playing one of the greatest inspirational songs of all time to my players before last week's Jet game would have made a difference," explains Seattle coach Mike Holmgren. "But my guys are idiots and they totally misinterpreted the song. That song is Billy Ocean's When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going. They interpreted the 'get going' part to mean 'run like cowards' instead of 'standing and fighting,' which is what, I think, Ocean had in mind when he sang those words."
You're right, Mike. You do have a bunch of quitters. And Sunday's game would be the perfect opportunity for the Seahawks to redeem themselves. But they don't. The Cardinals keep the outcome of the NFC West in doubt for another week with a 19-14 upset of the Seahawks.
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
Tampa Bay really pulled a choke job last Sunday, blowing a 10-point lead at home against the Saints, all with the knowledge that the Panthers had lost the previous night. Had the Bucs won, this Sunday's game with the Panthers could have been for the final NFC playoff spot.
"Now, it looks like all we have left to play for is determining what .500 or lower team makes the playoffs," says Tampa coach Jon Gruden. "Last week, we let the Saints back in the picture; this week, if we lose to the Panthers, their playoff potential improves. Finally, in Week 17, we go to Arizona, and they may have a chance to win the division, for God's sake."
Carolina is not free from criticism, by any means. Last Saturday, the Panthers allowed Michael Vick to score a late fourth quarter touchdown to tie the game, then turned the ball over early in overtime, which led to Jay Feely's game-winning field goal.
"Look, we're still in it," says Carolina defender Julius Peppers. "Thanks to me. I've been intercepting passes, sacking quarterbacks, picking up fumbles, and scoring touchdowns. I try to set a good example for my teammates. That's why I've presented them all with 'W.W.J.D?' bracelets, for 'What Would Julius Do?' Well, the answer is carry this team as far as my back can take them. Hopefully, that will be to the playoffs."
For that to happen, Julius, the Panthers will definitely need to win this game.
"Then 'J.W.W.T.T.'", adds Peppers. "'Julius Will Whip Tampa's Tail.'"
The Panthers keep their playoff hopes alive with a 24-21 win.
Washington @ Dallas
No one is more interested in the Redskins/Cowboys tilt than President George Bush, who was a three-time Pro Bowl punter for the Redskins, as well as a Hall of Fame announcer for the Cowboys.
"I didn't really do all that ... ahhhhh ... stuff," explains President Bush. "But who's gonna prove it wrong? My constituents will believe anything I tell them, and I'll believe anything I tell myself, because I'm President."
As is the case in Iraq, there are no weapons of mass destruction in Dallas or Washington, although running backs Julius Jones and Clinton Portis come close to qualifying. The Redskins have a sputtering offense, but feature the league's No. 2 defense.
"No. 2 defense, huh?" notices Bush. "Hey Rummy, can we pull some strings, shred some papers, and violate some civil rights and get those Redskins in Iraq, pronto?"
"I'm on it, Chief," replies Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield. "I'll move that up on the priority list, right in front of the one about supplying our troops with the equipment you need to fight a war."
The Cowboys have won 13 of their last 14 against the Redskins.
"But I've only been around for one of those," says Gibbs. "Toss the records out of here. From this point on, the Redskins are on a rampage."
The 'Skins defense makes the big plays; Washington wins, 22-21.
Cleveland @ Miami
Recently, historians at the National Music Archive in Washington, DC unearthed a previously unreleased and presumed lost track by country legend Johnny Cash, titled The Ballad of the Interim Coaches. And what do you know, a few weeks later, interim coaches Terry Robiskie of Cleveland and Jim Bates of Miami meet to determine which team sports the best interim coach.
"It's nice to be the subject of a song by the Man in Black," notes Bates, "although I have a feeling Cash didn't write that song about football. It's got to be about drinking, fighting, and cheating on your wife."
Bates got the token interview for the head-coaching job that the interim coach always gets. And, as always, the interim coach won't get the job. Former Raider coach Art Shell got his own interview, as the token minority candidate. And the job will go to the token college coach who's supposedly going to turn the team around. In this case, that would be Nick Saban of Louisiana State.
"Don't I get a bit of credit for leading this team to a win over the defending Super Bowl champions?" asks Bates.
The answer, Jim, is no, especially since the Miami front office's mind is already made up.
The beauty of this game is that both teams wear orange, which happens to be the primary color of the Hooters' chain of restaurants/bars, so Hooters should be all over sponsoring this game. Which causes a problem when Robiskie, in a pre-game pow-wow, urges his Browns to go out there and "flog those Dolphins." With scantily-clad Hooters' girls all over, the Browns misinterpret their coaches words and face Miami weak-kneed and drained.
The Dolphins win their second in a row, 27-10.
Philadelphia @ St. Louis
"T.O. K.O.ed. Oh no! Uh oh! Better Get Maaco."
That was the headline in one of the Philadelphia dailies on Monday in response to Terrell Owens broken leg and sprained ankle suffered last Sunday against the Cowboys. Owens could possibly return in time for the Super Bowl. Whether or not the Eagles are there is the big question. Owens' injury takes most of the octane out of the high-powered Philadelphia offense, which, in a lot of peoples' minds, increases the possibility of another team representing the NFC in the big dance when it looked like the Eagles were unstoppable.
Of course, the Eagles still have Donovan McNabb.
"I was this teams' leader with Terrell," says McNabb, "and I'm the teams' leader without Terrell. I'm still taking us to the Super Bowl. If I have to go alone, that's what I'll do. I've taken us the NFC Championship by myself for the last three years. This time, I'm going to need a little assistance. Whether that comes from Brian Westbrook, Freddie Mitchell, Dorsey Levens, or whomever. It doesn't matter who, but somebody needs to step up. I'm pretty sure it won't be Todd Pinkston, though. That dude's afraid to get tackled. Of course, half of his last name is 'pink', the girly color, so what did I expect?"
Philly's game plan for the route to the Super Bowl may have changed with the loss of Owens, but Philly can still win with defense and McNabb. McNabb may have to rely more on his running now, but at least he'll be rested. He really hasn't done a lot of running this year.
"We're playing the Rams," says coach Andy Reid, "and they suck the large one. Since Chris Chandler's not holding them hostage anymore, I figure we can take them hostage and make them our own personal practice squad. We're going to prove to everyone that we can kick ass without Terrell."
And they do. The Eagles win, 30-20. Mike Martz proves once again that he can't win the big one. And, once again, he is highly critical of his players. And, once again, they take it without complaint. Hey, Rams, show some pride, rebel against Martz, and get him fired. Do yourselves, and all of us, a favor.
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