NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 15

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Pittsburgh @ N.Y. Giants

If you think Ben Roethlisberger's 9-for-19, 144 yard, 2 INT performance last week against the Jets was less than stellar, then obviously, you haven't checked out Eli Manning's numbers versus the Ravens from last week.

"No, I haven't seen those stats," replies Roethlisberger. "Fill me in, and make me feel better about my sorry game."

Okay, Ben, prepare to have your spirits lifted. Manning was 4-for-18 for 27 yards, two interceptions, and one fumble.

"You're right," says Big Ben, "I do feel better. I'm awesome!"

In Manning's defense, if you can defend such pathetic numbers, he was facing the highly-ranked Ravens' defense one week after suffering a similar fate against the second-ranked Redskins' unit.

"Please tell me there's some good news coming," pleads Manning.

Okay, Eli, you asked for it. I just saved a ton of money of my car insurance. Reptiles make great insurance agents. Now, the bad news. Saturday, your presence is requested to face the league's No. 1 ranked unit, the Steelers. And since coach Tom Coughlin named you starter on Monday, he obviously doesn't care if his quarterback of the future faces the Steelers' defense and gets knocked silly and sideways.

"Look, I'm just trying to do Eli a favor," explains Coughlin. "The best thing that could happen to him is to go out there and suffer a concussion, thereby obliterating all memory of this season. Nothing Eli has done this season has been worth remembering."

Good point, Coach Tom. One of which the Steelers take heed. Manning lasts a bit over two quarters until he is mercifully pulled in the third quarter. Once again, the Pittsburgh defense and running game allow Ben Roethlisberger to barely complete fifty percent of his passes and still be a winner.

"That could be a problem come playoff time," says Bill Cowher. "But who cares about the playoffs! We're winning with Cowher football! Yeeaahhh!!"

Steelers win, 27-3.

Washington @ San Francisco

North Carolina A&T alumnus Maurice Hicks filled in admirably for the injured Kevan Barlow at running back, rushing for 139 yards on 34 carries for one touchdown in the 49ers' 31-28 overtime win over the Cardinals.

"And I bet everyone thought that only the marching band at A&T could get funky," says Hicks. "Well, Mo Hicks can get funky, as well."

That's probably not the only misconception people have about A&T. Maurice, how many phone calls have you answered from people wanting to change their long distance carrier?

"Oh, hundreds," Hicks replies. "I just ask if they want Sprint or MCI, then ask for their phone number for verification, then I make several overseas and long distance phone calls charged to their number. I haven't paid for a phone call in at least five years."

Fantastic, Maurice. Now, what does A&T really mean in North Carolina A&T?

"I think it means 'agriculture' and 'technology.' Oddly enough, I didn't take a single class in agriculture or technology."

Well, now that you're an NFL star, nobody cares about your college matriculation, anyway. What I care about is this matchup between the 4-9 Redskins and 2-11 49ers. Nah. I don't really care about that. I just wanted to mention the records so I could say that the Washington and San Francisco franchises have seven Super Bowl championships between them. That number is one more than the combined victories of the 'Skins and 49ers, who both reside in last place in their respective divisions.

But at least Washington is coached by the man that lead them to their three Super Bowls, Joe Gibbs. 'Frisco, on the other hand, is coached by Dennis Erickson, who, currently, is hovering somewhere between being fired and interviewing for college jobs. Damn, Maurice, your coach doesn't even want to be here?

"Trust me. The players know exactly what he's feeling."

The 'Skins give Erickson one more reason to leave, defensively-dominating quarterback Ken Dorsey and the rest of the San Fran offense.

Washington wins, 24-10.

Carolina @Atlanta

Carolina's Nick Goings rushed for 108 yards on 31 carries for one touchdown in the Panthers' 20-7 win over the Rams last week. It was Goings' fourth straight 100-yard rushing performance, leading the Panthers to their fifth straight win.

"Wow! I haven't seen that much streaking since the naked craze of the 1970s," remembers Carolina coach John Fox fondly. "It wasn't pretty, because everybody was getting naked, not just the pretty people. But it was fun. And we've got acclaimed country artist Ray Stevens to thank for it. That's why we're naming Stevens' 1977 novelty hit The Streak as the Panthers' theme song for the remainder of the year."

Carolina could probably afford to win only two of their remaining three games and still make the playoffs. That scenario hinges on only one NFC West team making the playoffs. Right now, that one team looks like Seattle, but, as has been the case all year, that has changed basically on a weekly basis. After Sunday, St. Louis may be back in the saddle.

"It will be a travesty if two NFC West teams qualify for the playoffs," adds Falcon coach Jim Mora. "I'd like to see the Panthers make it and represent the NFC South. If we didn't have to win to assure ourselves a first-round bye, I would sit our starters."

Atlanta will be without running back T.J. Duckett, who's out two weeks after knee surgery. That weakens the Falcons' power running game, and that may be the edge the surging Panthers need.

"We're going to put all 11 men at the line of scrimmage and stop the run," promises Panther defensive coordinator Mike Trgovac. "We dare them to pass."

Trgovac may be kidding, or maybe not. In any case, the Panthers pull the upset with a 23-20 win.

Buffalo @ Cincinnati?

Last week, the Bills held the Browns to 17 total yards in their 37-7 destruction of Cleveland.

"Is that supposed to scare me?" asks Bengals' quarterback Carson Palmer. "You're obviously trying to scare me. Come on, that 17 yards is just for the first quarter, right?"

Nope.

"Okay. Then you must have dropped a digit. You must mean 175 or 170 yards, right?"

Nope, it's 17, Carson. One, seven. What's the big deal anyway? You've faced the Ravens' and the Patriots' defenses lately, and did pretty well.

"Yeah, but 17 yards? That's unheard of. I had 17 against the Ravens and Patriots after one or two passes. I think I'm qualified to say that the Baltimore and New England defenses are overrated. Oops! Did I say that out loud? I did? Well, I'm Carson Palmer, Heisman Trophy winner. I can say what I want. I can only imagine what Peyton Manning and the Colts would do to those defenses."

Well, the Bills' defense is no fluke, and neither are their playoff aspirations (if not this year, then next). Of course, they will need lots of help, and likely a win over Pittsburgh in Week 17. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Cincinnati is in the Bills' bullseye now, especially Palmer, who will play, albeit on a gimpy knee. Advantage Bills. Willis McGahee rushes for 120 yards, and Drew Bledsoe throws a TD to Lee Evans.

Bills win, 31-17.

Dallas @ Philadelphia

"Fortunately, for people with the gift of sight," explains Eagles' coach Andy Reid, "Terrell Owens failed to catch his 15th touchdown pass, therefore I did not have to grease up and squeeze into full body tights. However, I did pass Joe Gibbs as the winningest active coach."

Who cares about that, Andy? And who cares about seeing you in the tights? What everyone wants to know is how will you get into those tights? My guess is it would be quite entertaining to see the tights stretched open by a team of Belgian workhorses, then have Reid lowered on a crane into those tights. And, if we're lucky, the tights will be Eagle green.

"So Peter Pan can fly again," says Owens, "with the help of a rocket-propelled jet pack. Number 15 comes Sunday."

True to his word, Owens catches touchdown number 15 late in the third quarter. Owens sprints to the sidelines and rips the tear-away coach's outfit off of Reid, revealing the sight of Reid in tights, what a fright. Women faint, men vomit, and little kids rejoice in the belief that they've just been introduced to the new Sesame Street character.

"Andy doesn't look half-bad in those tights," notices Dallas coach Bill Parcells. "They make him look 10 pounds lighter. Andy looks much better at 320 than 330. I think I'll invest in a similar pair of leotards. I'm sick of tooling around the house in moo moos."

Whether you like football or simply have an affinity for fat men in tight clothing, this game should be entertaining. The Eagle air show is always fun to watch, as is Cowboy rookie running back Julius Jones, who has become the back the Cowboys envisioned when they drafted him. And there is always Vinny Testaverde; Vinny could throw for 300 yards or throw three interceptions. There is no equation to predict his performance. We do, however, know that Vinny's goofy footwork will be tested against the Eagles. That's always fun to watch.

Donovan McNabb, however, has the feet and the arm to lead Philly to a win. McNabb throws three TDs; Testaverde sees Eagles flying at him all day.

Eagles win, 33-20.

Denver @ Kansas City

Denver quarterback Jake Plummer was possessed momentarily by the spirit of an NBA player when he flashed his middle finger to a heckling fan after a first quarter interception last Sunday versus the Dolphins.

"I apologize," an embarrassed Plummer admits. "I allowed a fan to get under my skin and induce an inappropriate action that I totally regret. I'm a professional, and I should not have let that Miami fan get to me like that."

Jake, you've got it all wrong. That guy was a Bronco fan, and the game was in Denver.

"I thought it was strange that it was snowing in Miami," adds Plummer. "I was prepared to give the weatherman the finger, as well."

Well, Jake, in any case, it would have been much more fitting had the entire crowd given you the finger. If you haven't noticed, lately you've been playing like you have a finger up your ass. In the last three games, you've thrown seven interceptions, and only one touchdown. Luckily, the Bronco running game has kept games close, and you've kept your job.

"I've got my finger on the 'eject' button as we speak," says Denver coach Mike Shanahan, "and nothing would please me more than to push it and send Jake a mile high above Mile High."

"I may be dumb as dirt and a mediocre quarterback," notes Plummer, "but I've got my finger on the pulse of what coach wants, and that sounds like a vote of confidence to me. I'll sling leather, darling."

Plummer's counterpart in Kansas City, Trent Green, can toss the pigskin, as well, and his relationship with Chiefs' fans is such that he's never felt the need to show any of them the finger.

"If I show anyone a finger," adds Green, "it will be the one displaying the Super Bowl ring I got in 2000 for getting hurt and allowing Kurt Warner to lead the Rams to the Super Bowl."

Green is much more likely than Plummer to lead a team to the Super Bowl. But it won't happen this year. But he can lead a team to a win over the Broncos and damage their playoff hopes. New force Larry Johnson rushes for a touchdown, and Green throws three TD passes.

Chiefs win, 35-30.

Houston @ Chicago

"I'm very excited about the Texans' first trip to Chicago," says Houston coach Dom Capers. "We're looking forward to facing the Bears, although I'm somewhat concerned about that ivy-covered brick wall surrounding the field. Brick is very unforgiving, especially when slammed into it by a Chicago defender."

Dom, you've got your stadiums confused. The Bears play in Comiskey Park. Just kidding. They play in Soldier Field.

"So, there's no brick wall and no ivy?"

Not that I know of.

"Doggone it!" whines Capers. "I was looking forward to singing Take Me Out to the Ball Game with Harry Caray and interrogating Sammy Sosa on steroids."

Well, neither will happen, Dom. Harry's dead, and when's the last time someone got a straight answer out of a baseball player on the subject of steroids? Someone should initiate a scientific study on the effects of steroids on memory. Apparently, there's a connection.

Believe it or not, both the Bears and Texans are still alive in the playoffs, but, obviously, would need lots of help to get in, such as 30 other teams disappearing into thin air. Being from the NFC, the Bears have the better odds, but those odds are long and slim.

"I'm so confident we'll make it," says Bear defender R.W. McQuarters, "that I've bet $1 on it happening. If I win, I'm about $320,000,000 richer."

As he is on the football field, McQuarters is a real gambler. And gambling will get him an interception Sunday that turns the tide of a low-scoring game played in icy conditions. Thomas Jones scores on a short touchdown run.

The Bears win, 16-10.

Minnesota @ Detroit

Vikings' offensive coordinator Scott Linehan pulled a "Mike Martz" last Sunday against the Seahawks, calling for Randy Moss to take a reverse handoff and make a pass to Marcus Robinson in the end zone. Not a bad call unless it's made on first-and-10 from your opponents' 20 and you're losing 27-23, which is exactly when it was made. Needless to say, the pass was intercepted in the end zone, and the Seahawks held on for the win.

"I take full responsibility for calling that play," says Linehan, "which means, eventually, I will be the one to take the heat for our annual, late-season swoon. I'll get fired at the end of the season, if not sooner, and Mike Tice will keep his job, and the Vikes will do this all over again next year."

"Incidentally," adds Tice, "The Fall Guy starring Lee Majors and the luscious Heather Thomas is my favorite television show of all-time."

Detroit rookie running back Kevin Jones is carrying the load for the Lions in the absence of quarterback Joey Harrington.

"Hey, I haven't missed a game all year," retorts Harrington.

Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe it's because you've done nothing lately that would make me notice you. For example, only five completions for 47 yards in 22 attempts last week versus the Packers. Joey, you can't even reach double-figure completions and triple-figure yardage, all the while being paid a seven-figure salary. You're a good example of how incentive-based pay would save teams millions of dollars.

"Hey, at least I have a better completion percentage than Randy Moss," Harrington snickers.

Good point. But I don't think Randy will be throwing any more passes this year. You will.

And that's what the Viking game plan calls for: no passes from Moss. Moss is only allowed to catch the ball, and the Vikings play it conservative, because it takes very little imagination to beat the Lions. Moss catches two Daunte Culpepper TD passes, and Minnesota wins, 24-17.

San Diego @ Cleveland

The Chargers have a choice to make this offseason: who is their quarterback of the future? Is it Drew Brees, who is having a career year in his fourth season in the NFL, or, is it Philip Rivers, the Chargers' first-round pick a year ago who was to be anointed the starter until a contract holdout nixed that possibility?

"Hey, don't forget about me!" yells Doug Flutie. "I'm still a factor in this equation."

Doug, I can hear you, but I can't see you. Stand up, will you?

"I am standing," replies Flutie.

Oh, my bad. Hey, Doug, why don't you start singing Short People by Randy Neumann and I'll follow your voice to find you. Good job.

"Hey, how is it that Drew Brees can have one good year and then get a big contract based on that one year?" asks rookie Philip Rivers.

That answer is simple, Philip. The same way you can get a fat contract for doing absolutely nothing as a pro. At least Brees had one good professional year. Next time, don't hold out for more money and miss practically all of training camp. That way, you would have been the starter and would have saved us the trouble of seeing some team overpay to acquire Drew Brees. Damnit!

In Cleveland, interim coach Terry Robiskie is enjoying his status as interim coach.

"Yeah, this is great," says Robiskie. "We play like crap and no one can blame me. It's still Butch Davis' team. I'm just wearing that headset on the sideline. Nobody's talking to me from up in the booth. In fact, during the Buffalo game last week, I was listening to Eminem's Encore album. Good stuff. And speaking of encore, my chances of getting this head coaching job are not looking too good, and I can't say that I'm disappointed. This team is in shambles."

"What better way for us to prepare for a likely second-round playoff game in cold weather," says Charger coach Marty Schottenheimer, "than to play the lowly Browns in Cleveland. We can acclimate ourselves nicely for a January game in Pittsburgh or New England, and chalk up a victory, as well."

And that's what happens. The Chargers practice their cold weather strategy: solid defense and a successful running game. LaDainian Tomlinson cracks 100 yards again, and the Chargers win, 27-9.

Seattle @ N.Y. Jets

Seattle holds a one-game lead over the Rams in the NFC West, thanks to their upset of the Vikings last Sunday in the Metrodome. Now, the question is: can the Seahawks muster the guts to hold that lead until playoff invitations are mailed after Week 17?

"I've always wondered," says Seattle running back Shaun Alexander, "do they really mail invitations to playoff qualifiers? I mean, do they actually put the invitation in an envelope and mail it to you? Or do they expect you to watch television to find out if you made it and where you play?"

That's a good question, Shaun. There's only one way to find out, and that's make the playoffs, then station yourself out by the Seahawks' mailbox and wait.

In case you haven't noticed, Shaun, the Jets only lose to good teams (New England, Baltimore, Buffalo, and Pittsburgh). What do all those teams have in common, besides being good? Well, they're all AFC representatives. The Jets don't lose to mediocre teams, and they don't lose to NFC teams. So, you may be waiting for that playoff invitation a little later in the season.

And besides, the Seahawks would need help to go along with a victory over the Jets to clinch a playoff spot (the Cowboys, Giants, Lions, Bears, and Panthers would have to lose). Knowing the Seahawks as I do, all those teams could lose, opening the door for you, but of course, the Seahawks would slam the door on themselves. NFC West? Bah! Humbug!

Curtis Martin rushes for 100 yards, and the Jets get back on the winning track and inch closer to clinching a playoff berth.

Jets win, 22-13.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

"Let's play word association," says Tampa coach Jon Gruden. "I'll give you a series of words, and you tell me what word they describe."

Okay.

"Here goes. Pirate. Pillage. Swashbuckler. Eye patch. Wooden leg. Plunder. Walk the plank. Rapier. Jolly Roger."

Wow. Those are some pretty scary words. I'll guess and say, "buccaneer."

"Exactly! Now try these. Holy. Sanctity. Religious. Deity. Martyr. Charity. Sacred. Canonize."

Again, I'm guessing, but is the word you're looking for "saint?" It sounds like that "canon" word should go with the buccaneers, though.

"That's beside the point," says Gruden. "The point is, even at 5-8, my Bucs still strike fear into opponents. At 5-8, or even at 13-0, the Saints would never scare anyone. That's why this game will be over before anyone hits the field."

You won't hear an argument from me, and you surely won't hear one from the Saints, who are usually packing their bags around playoff time. But the Saints usually play the Bucs tough, and both teams have slim playoff hopes. Should the Panthers lose Saturday night, then this game takes on greater importance. And should the Rams lose Sunday, the winner of the Bucs/Saints tilt will breathe new life. That being said, Tampa is at home, where they are 4-2. Tampa also has a defense. New Orleans does not.

Bucs win, 26-23.

St. Louis @ Arizona

Let's give St. Louis backup quarterback Chris Chandler a hand. Actually, let's give him two hands, because it takes two hands to count the number of interceptions Chandler tossed to the Panthers last Sunday. That number would be six. And, unless you're some kind of mutated, six-fingered freak, it takes two hands to get to six. It also takes two hands to sarcastically applaud St. Louis head coach Mike Martz, who, even after Chandler's fifth interception, refused to bench him and insert the Rams' third string QB, Jamie Martin.

"I also refused to bench Chandler after his first, second, third, fourth, and sixth interception," adds Martz. "So give me a little credit for being consistent."

You're right, Mike. You are consistent: consistently stupid and consistently wrong. All of your idiotic decisions have left the Rams at 6-7 and facing the impossible task of winning three in a row just to have a chance to make the playoffs.

"Impossible? Nonsense!" replies Martz. "We'll beat the Cardinals, then we finish with two home games."

That's a big if, beating the Cardinals. And in those two games at home, you'll face the Eagles and the Jets. Can you say, "hopes dashed?"

"I can, but I refuse to," a defiant Martz states.

In Arizona, the Dennis Green quarterback carousel ride may be coming to an end, as it looks like Josh McCown has regained the starting position for good.

"That's true. Josh has proved himself," Green comments. "John Navarre and Shaun King suck to the nth degree. I'm just sorry I drug those two guys along like I did. I made the mistake of riding a merry-go-round to find the inspiration to make my starter decision at quarterback. That wacky carnival music will put some crazy ideas in your head, especially after an overdose of cotton candy and funnel cakes."

Wisely, Green gives McCown the start, and the Cardinals attempt to shatter the already crumbling Ram playoff hopes. In Week 1, the Cards hung tight with the Rams in St. Louis, ultimately losing, 17-10. This time, Arizona takes advantage of Chris Chandler and swings the upset.

Arizona wins, 23-20.

Jacksonville @ Green Bay

Last week versus the Lions, the Packers erased a 13-0 second-half deficit and completed the comeback on Ryan Longwell's field goal to win 16-13. Coupled with Minnesota's loss to Seattle, Green Bay now owns a one-game lead in the NFC North, with an 8-5 record.

"Well, they better enjoy it while they have it," warns Jaguar coach Jack Del Rio. "The Lions slandered the name of carnivorous felines by not finishing off the kill against the Packers. My Jaguars will not make that mistake. By their very nature, jaguars are relentless hunters and will stalk their prey silently until the time is right for the strike. Lions, on the other hand, are the punks of the jungle. They are just lazy cats with a tacky hairpiece they call a mane. And that's supposed to scare us? Not Jaguars."

Thanks for that nature lesson, Jack Del Rio. Will your game be televised on CBS or Animal Planet?

Whatever channel televises, the Jaguars know their slim playoff hopes ride on winning their remaining three games, and hoping for help from their good friends the Colts and Steelers. The Ravens and Broncos stand one game up on the Jags for the final AFC wildcard spot. The Ravens play at Indy Sunday, and at Pittsburgh next week. Two tough ones for the Ravens, and probable losses. Denver closes by hosting Indy. By losing that and winning in Week 15 and 16, Denver would finish 10-6, as would the Jags. Jacksonville, by virtue of their Week 2 win over the Broncos would win the tiebreaker. Jacksonville also owns a win over Buffalo, who also could finish 10-6 by winning their last three.

"Isn't it funny?" asks Jack Del Rio. "All of our competitors for that playoff spot are members of the animal kingdom: Ravens, Broncos, and Bills. And another member, the Colts, can help us out. Too bad a Steeler is not an animal."

Yeah, too bad. But if you put all those animals in a cage, the jaguar would slaughter them all. And if you put the playoff-desperate Jaguars on Lambeau Field, they will win. At least this time.

Jacksonville punishes the Packers' fans who booed Favre last week, and wins, 26-21.

Tennessee @ Oakland

Tennessee receiver Drew Bennett has piled up six touchdown receptions and 357 yards receiving in the last two weeks, all with backup quarterback Billy Volek at the helm.

"For some reason," Bennett explains, "Steve McNair just stopped throwing me the ball. I'm thinking he must be mad at me for something. Maybe it has something to do with me questioning his heart a few weeks ago."

Yeah, that's probably it, Drew. Questioning McNair's heart is akin to questioning the heart of that hiker who got his arm stuck under a boulder and cut his arm off to survive. You just don't do it. Don't doubt the fortitude of McNair, who, in his 10 years in the league, has probably taken more punishment than boxer Evander Holyfield, and McNair still has enough of his wits about him to consider the possibility of retirement.

"And I'm not missing a chunk of one of my ears," McNair says proudly.

McNair can rest easy knowing that Volek is handling quarterbacking duties quite well. The Titans still have several other injuries of concern, namely in the defensive backfield, as well as Chris Brown's toe and Derrick Mason's ankle. The Raiders have several injuries in their own right, but should have enough firepower at home to defeat the Titans in a meaningless game.

Raiders win, 36-31.

Baltimore @ Indianapolis

"I'm thankful to be playing the Ravens on Sunday night," comments Peyton Manning, enjoying a manicure on his right (throwing) hand. "This way, I can tie and break Dan Marino's record against one of the best defenses in the game, and avenge my brother Eli's dismal performance against the Ravens last week. He really stunk it up. Also, this being a Sunday-nighter, I'll be able to attend church services Sunday morning. I really miss handling those snakes, and speaking in tongues is much like calling audible at the line of scrimmage."

Manning's agenda is full with records to be broken. Last week against the Texans, Manning threw two touchdown passes and set the NFL record for most consecutive multiple-touchdown passing games, with 13. Erased from the record books were the names Johnny Unitas, Don Meredith, Brett Favre, and Dan Marino.

"It's nice to be mentioned is the same breath as those guys," says Manning, "especially Dandy Don. But, it's even better just to hear my name alone when an NFL record is mentioned. I want to own every single quarterback record in the book, except those already possessed by the likes of Chris Chandler, A.J. Feeley, Akili Smith, Ryan Leaf, and various other pathetic QBs. I want to be the best ever, and I'm well on my way."

This week, Manning will have to go through the Ravens and strong safety Ed Reed. Reed is a strong candidate for AFC Defensive Player of the Year, and possibly the most exciting defender in the league, but the name "Ed Reed" is definitely the most boring in the league right now. I would expect Ed Reed to be an elderly man playing chess in the park on a concrete picnic table, not scooping up fumbles and returning interceptions for touchdowns.

"That may very well be," agrees Reed, "but check this out: I can take two letters from my last name and spell my first name. Can anyone else do that?"

I'm sure someone can, Ed. Anyway, the Ravens pose a major obstacle to Manning's record quest, but there are too many Colt weapons for Baltimore to handle. Manning spreads the wealth, with one TD pass each to Brandon Stokley, Reggie Wayne, and the record-breaker to Marvin Harrison.

Colts win, 31-21.

New England @ Miami

New England offensive coordinator Charlie Weis was named the new head coach at Notre Dame, and Weis immediately knelt and bowed five times in the direction of Touchdown Jesus.

"Man, you know it's all about the Benjamins," explains Weis. "Money talks. B.S. walks. I can't wait around my whole life for an NFL coaching job. I've won two Super Bowls with the Patriots. My work in the NFL is done. I want to win a national championship and restore the Fighting Irish to national prominence. I also want to climb Mount Everest, swim the English Channel, and have a séance and evoke the spirits of Elvis Presley and Jimi Hendrix. But those can wait until my football obligations are done. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go convince some extremely athletic, yet criminally troubled youths to attend a Catholic university. Toodles."

Weis and the Pats are likely to face a fired up Dolphins squad, a team intent on proving that their 2-11 record is no fluke.

"Wait, don't you mean we want to prove that the 2-11 record is a fluke?" asks interim coach Jim Bates.

Yeah, I guess you're right. 2-11 is flukey. You guys should be 3-10, at worst.

"That's more like it."

Anyway, if the Miami defense can play their tails off, and quarterback A.J. Feeley can avoid interceptions and injury, then the Dolphins might have a chance to ... lose by 10 or less. But Miami can't stop the run, and the Pats can. The Dolphin passing game usually takes care of itself -- by not working. Tom Brady throws two touchdowns, and the New England defense comes up with a TD of their own.

Patriots win, 30-20.