Just like any sportswriter, the world of sports news in my muse. I comment on the news because I failed so horribly at reporting the news. Like many, if not most, of the Sports Central staff, I have experienced a sweet time in my life when I was actually paid cash for my pen strokes.
You know those free small town or neighborhood "shoppers?" They are 80% ads, and the other 20% consists of stories like, "Local Man to Enter Pie-Eating Contest." You might throw them away the second you get them, unsolicited, in your lawn or mailbox. Frankly, I usually do.
The only time I actually do read the shoppers is if they have something like a Police Beat, because I enjoy reading paragraphs like, "Elm Street ShopGreat Owner Elmer Johnby reported to Burghboro Police that three teens walked out of his store with an entire crate of Klondike Bars without paying. Johnby reported the only flavor in the crate was Original, and he still has plenty of Heath Toffee Klondike bars available. Reportedly, one of the teens flashed Johnby an obscene finger gesture on the way out the door. If you have any information please call our tip line..."
So, I covered football for four different high schools for one of those papers, for twenty big ones an article, back in 1998.
It didn't take me long to realize that the only part of the job I enjoyed were the press boxes (even a lot of the high school ones will give you free food). I was not meant to report the news, but to make hilarious and/or trenchant asides about the news, I told myself. Reporting the news was real work. Sure, every financially-independent newspaper pundit started out this way, but on the other hand, "Workin's for chumps," as my sister once said in high school after quitting her job at Friendly's when she found a $50 bill in the parking lot. Her words strike me as as true today as they have ever been.
So this unwillingness to pay my dues in the journalism world as led me to be grateful for this position, which allows me quite an unlimited canvas, and for my real, non-journalism jobs. Yes, I am a chump. But one with a roof over my head and dental coverage.
I am pleased that the BBC has favorably mentioned my work, but the secret truth between me and the editor is that I suck at this assignment, too. (Now give yourself more credit than that! - Ed)
I miss my deadlines too often and I usually have no idea what I'm going to write about until I sit down. Over on our message boards, it's easy to invoke my passion in conversations. It's a lot more difficult as to construct a soliloquy than it is to bounce off someone else in dialog. So I may spill 1,000 words about Jim Tressel on those message boards, and since I'm unwilling to just cut-and-paste my message board diatribes into an article and call it a day (even I am not that shameless, although I must sadly reserve the right to do so in the future), I have to come up with something else.
So this week, I'm going to try something new. As I type this, I don't know what is coming next, but I know where it's coming from: the Associated Press wire. Between all the major sports, news and waiver-wire minutiae tick on all night long. So let's see what the very latest is on the wire and I will write my commentary on said item. This also plays into my "I just broke big news!" fantasy, to an extent. Despite earlier claims, commentary is not guaranteed to be either hilarious or trenchant.
The first item up for bid is indeed a bit of a corker. The Pitt Panthers, who just lost their head coach, Walt Harris, to Stanford, have confirmed three candidates. Two you've never heard of, but the third is Dave Wannstedt. He has ties to Pitt.
It's hard to know what direction the Pitt program would take if it hired Dave Wannstedt. Certainly, you need to look no further than Pete Carroll and Lou Holtz for coaches with mediocre NFL records who go on to big college success. But Dave Wannstedt? Is the search committee at Pitt saying, "You know how we've had this unbelievable run of outstanding wide receivers? I hated that. I want to start losing games 13-10. That's what will sell tickets. Explosive offenses are death to ticket sales." If Pitt hires him, I will be forced to conclude that the felt they needed a "name." Hell, maybe they do.
I must admit a bias against Wannstedt, because he seems to command much more respect than we give other NFL coaches with gaping losing records. He was a bust as the coach of the Chicago Bears, but all I ever heard on the radio or read in the newspaper was, "Wannstedt has been extremely unlucky with injuries and other circumstances, he's actually a great coach."
Well, how do we know? And can't this really be said about the head coach of any 4-12 team? They all have impressive resumes and miles-long vouchers of excellence in coaching just to get an NFL gig. So why are we so much more forgiving of Wannstedt? With Ricky Williams' untimely retirement and other Dolphin injuries, he's getting the same amount of leeway from a lot of camps today, too.
The latest NFL wire story is an interview with and story about Jake Plummer. In it, he apologizes for giving a fan the very same gesture those ice cream-stealing kids gave Mr. Johnby. Plummer says, "You're looking at a guy who's not perfect." Speaking of trenchant! I thought I was looking at a guy who was perfect.
The wire story goes on to document some of his recent struggles (zero touchdowns, six interceptions in the last two games), and they could have mentioned his long, disastrous stint with Arizona Cardinals, which never happened, do you understand? We are all just dreaming that he ever played for the Cardinals. He was drafted to be [John] Elway's air apparent!
Apparently, Plummer is now second in the league in interceptions, and you'll never guess who's first: Carson Palmer. The two leading interception victims are leading teams that are a combined 14-12 and doing it in the monstrously-tough AFC. Curious.
The final wire story I'm looking at reports that Rick Majerus has agreed to take over the USC basketball program. Or, as the wire lead so politely puts it, "Hide the pizza and doughnuts: Rick Majerus is back coaching college basketball." and "He retired nearly a year ago for health reasons after 15 seasons at Utah, but he couldn't stay away from his life's passion."
I probably shouldn't critique the pros after admitting my own incompetency in journalism, but man, that is one terrible lead-in. "Hmmm ... I need an angle to introduce the Majerus story. I know! It'll be about how Majerus is really fat! I'll mention pizza and doughnuts! Fat people love junk food! I'm laughing just thinking about it! And I will insinuate that he's putting basketball above his health!"
Slant Pattern Picks of the Week
All-Thursday college basketball edition:
South Alabama + 10.5 over Florida State
Houston -9.5 over New Orleans
Baylor +17 over SMU
Slant Pattern College Football Top 25
1. USC
2. Auburn
3. Oklahoma
4. Utah
5. Cal
6. Virginia Tech
7. Boise State
8. Louisville
9. Texas
10. Michigan
11. Georgia
12. Iowa
13. Virginia
14. Tennessee
15. LSU
16. Miami (FL)
17. Arizona State
18. Pittsburgh
19. West Virginia
20. Boston College
21. Florida State
22. Oklahoma State
23. Texas Tech
24. Florida
25. Ohio State
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