Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Chicago @ Jacksonville
"After our heartbreaking loss to the Steelers last Sunday," a somber Jack Del Rio laments, "there is only one thing to do. And that's stand in a circle, tenderly hold hands, and recite the words from Swedish supergroup ABBA's masterpiece S.O.S.: 'So when you near me darling, can't you hear the S.O.S?' Somebody save our souls."
That's understandable, Jack Del Rio. At 6-6, you're still in the playoff hunt, with the likes of fellow 6-6 teams Buffalo and Cincinnati. But like the Bills and Bengals, you'll need help, namely by teams beating the Ravens and Broncos, who stand at 7-5. So, take it from the band Journey, and "Don't stop believing. Hold onto that feeling." Just ignore the next part about streetlight people, okay?
After Chicago's 24-14 upset of Minnesota, the Bears themselves are in the middle of the playoff race, just like practically every NFC team. The parity (or mediocrity, depending on how you look at it) of the NFC is such that even some division leaders can't be positive that they will make the playoffs (i.e. Packers, Vikings, Seahawks, and Rams).
"We're hoping to stay in the picture until Week 17," explains Bears' coach Lovie Smith. "We've got Green Bay at home, and if things work out right, a win might put us in the playoffs."
"I like the optimism of Lovie Smith," adds Jack Del Rio. "I also like the name 'Lovie.' If I were a football coach, which I am, I'd want to be named 'Jack Del Rio.' If I were a pimp, I'd want to be called 'Lovie.' 'Lovie Del Rio.'"
Jacksonville is steaming from the loss to Pittsburgh, and what better place to manifest their frustrations than in the demolition of Bears' quarterback Chad Hutchinson. Last week, Hutchinson dismounted his surf board and found himself in the Bears' quarterback position. He lit up the Viking defense for three touchdowns. The Jags won't be so accommodating. Hutchinson is wiped out, and suffers five sacks and two interceptions. Fred Taylor rushes for 100 yards, and Byron Leftwich throws a TD pass.
Jags win, 24-6.
Cincinnati @ New England
How do you outdo yourselves after beating the Ravens in Baltimore on a field goal as time expired?
"Why," cries Bengals' coach Marvin Lewis, "beating the defending Super Bowl champion Patriots in Foxborough, of course."
And how do you plan on doing that?
"I honestly have no idea," replies Lewis.
And therein lies the major dilemma when you play the Patriots: beating them.
"But we've got a special surprise for the Pats come Sunday," says Lewis. "We're breaking out the classic helmets. You know, the ones that simply say 'BENGALS' on the sides. If we can't beat the Patriots with talent and execution, the we'll mesmerize them with our helmets."
Good luck with that, Marv.
"You know, I always liked those helmets," adds New England coach Bill Belichick. "As you can tell by my wardrobe and manner of speech, I'm all about monotony. And those helmets were the epitome of monotony. If I had my way, our helmets would just have nothing on them, like over at Penn State University, where my good friend and fellow monotonobot Joe Paterno calls the shots."
"Let me just add one thing," Tom Brady comments. "Joe Pa looks like one cool cat in those giant Kangol glasses he wears."
Good to see your mind on the Bengals, Tom. But do you really need to worry about the Bengals? No. The Pats are 6-0, and there's no way Cincy can beat a winning team on the road two weeks in a row (their win over the Ravens was their first road win over a team with a winning record since 1990). New England will dismantle Cincinnati just like they did Cleveland: domination in all phases. The Pats establish the run early with former Bengal Corey Dillon, then nail a bomb or two. It's a quick 14-0 lead. That's when the Bengals' offense feels the pressure to keep up, which should be right about the time the Pats' defense goes into seek-and-destroy mode. Carson Palmer throws three interceptions; New England rushes for 170 on the ground as a team.
Patriots win, 39-13.
Cleveland @ Buffalo
The 6-6 Bills have a realistic chance to finish with four straight wins, which would give them a 10-6 final record.
"I appreciate the kind words, my friend," says Bills quarterback Mike Mularkey, "but we still have to play the Steelers, and Drew Bledsoe is our quarterback."
Let me finish. If you beat the Browns, then beat the Bengals in Cincinnati, then the 49ers in San Fran, you'll be 9-6. Finally, you get the Steelers in Week 17, and you can either beat them outright or hope they have nothing to play for and just lay down for you. And Drew's playing himself back into form.
"Hey, man," replies Mularkey, "you're quite a spin doctor. Have you thought about going into politics?"
Seriously, though, the Bills are playing playoff-caliber football, and have a reasonable shot at the No. 6 seed in the AFC. Bledsoe faces the brunt of blame when the Bills struggle, but when he's hot and not having his internal organs scrambled by vicious shots from linebackers, he's a pretty darn good quarterback.
"I'm finally feeling in tune with rookie receiver Lee Evans," Bledsoe reports. "That kid is fast, and earlier in the season I just wasn't leading him enough with my passes. People forget, Lee Evans won the gold medal at the 1968 Summer Olympics in Mexico City with a then unheard of time of 43.86 seconds. That record stood until Butch Reynolds eclipsed Evans' record at..."
Sorry to interrupt you, Drew. But let's stick to football. And I think you've got the wrong Lee Evans. Unless the Bills' Lee Evans is in his 50's, you've got the wrong man.
"Oh, my bad. In any case, it doesn't matter which Lee Evans you are, you're fast."
Evans and counterpart Eric Moulds should be able to exploit their speed against the Browns, that is, if the Bills even need to pass. Last week, the Browns gave up 225 yards rushing to the Pats. Against the Bills, they face Willis McGahee, the Bills' workhorse. McGahee rushes for 120 yards and Bledsoe throws two touchdown passes.
The Bills win, 31-14, and improve to 7-6.
Indianapolis @ Houston
"Sure, Peyton Manning threw three touchdowns last week," observes Texans coach Dom Capers. "But he also threw two interceptions. I think we're on to something here. To beat the Colts, you've got to make Manning throw interceptions, not touchdowns."
That's brilliant strategizing, Dominique. But I think the more obvious way to beat the Colts is to score more points. And, by my calculations, you'll have to score at least 42 points to beat them. Has a Dom Capers-coached team ever scored that many points?
"I did drop 88 on the computer on Atari football once," adds Capers.
"Atari? What's that?" asks Manning. "Are they the company that offered me $200 to endorse their product? Luckily, X-Box beat that offer by about $999,800, so I had to tell Atari to take a hike. I think they got Eli for a little cheaper, though. Anyway, as in that situation, I have a choice to make. And that is: do I take Marino's record in Houston, or wait until the following week, and shatter it in front of the home folks, against the Ravens, and thereby debunking the silly belief that defense wins championships?"
Manning has four touchdowns by the third quarter, and, after a heated exchange and shoving match with receiver Reggie Wayne, Manning decides to take Wayne's advice and break Marino's record next week, and save himself an ass-beating by Wayne in the process. Colts win, 42-23, clinch the AFC South, and set an NFL record with five-straight games scoring at least 40 points.
New Orleans @ Dallas
"It's always a pleasure welcoming the Saints to Texas Stadium," says Cowboys' coach Bill Parcells. "They are such good people, and you can count on them giving up at least 400 yards of offense and 20 points every time."
Indeed Bill, the Saints have given up at least 20 points in every game this year, and, of all the 4-7 teams heading in to week 13 with a shot a the playoffs, the Saints were the only one to lose.
"So you're saying we were the worst of the 4-7 teams from last week?" asks New Orleans coach Jim Haslett.
Yeah, that's right. You give 4-7 teams a bad name.
"But we're still in the playoff hunt mathematically, right?" asks Haslett.
Mathematically, yes. Realistically, no. The Saints' playoff chances are as fraudulent as the results of a Ukrainian presidential election.
Dallas was one of those 4-7 teams, but with their win last Monday over the Seahawks, the Cowboys improved to 5-7, and remain very much in the hunt for the final NFC playoff spot. And playing the Saints can do nothing to hurt their playoff aspirations.
"We know it's a long shot," observes Vinnie Testeverde, "but if we can win our final four games, pray real hard, and/or sign a pact with the devil, then we could be dancing come playoff time. We're hot right now; we scored two touchdowns in the final 1:45 Monday night to beat the Seahawks."
Hmmm. Two touchdowns every two minutes? You're in luck, because that's about how often the Saints' defense gives up points. And the Dallas defense is almost as equally shabby, as they surrendered 500 yards in total offense to the Seahawks. It all spells shootout. Julius Jones rushes for 160 yards and two touchdowns, and the Cowboys stay in the hunt with a 41-30 win.
New York Giants @ Baltimore
"This Sunday," says Ravens' linebacker Ray Lewis, "we get a Manning appetizer in Eli Manning. After we chew him up and spit him out, next week we get the main course in Peyton Manning. Peyton may be a little hard to digest, but I think with the right sauce, namely his own blood, I think we can whip the Colts and not allow Peyton to break Marino's record against us."
"Gee, Mr. Lewis," replies Eli Manning, "I appreciate you mentioning me in the same breath with my brother. God knows my parents never did. But don't be so quick to think you're going to whip up on me. I didn't throw a single interception last week. Peyton threw two. So ha!"
You make a good point, Eli, but one that is quickly proved moot. You're exactly right. You didn't throw any interceptions last Sunday. However, you didn't throw any touchdown passes, either. And you only completed 12 of 25 passes. And this week, you face a Baltimore team playing for their playoff lives. And don't forget Ed Reed, who is tied for the league lead in interceptions. You may have more completions to him Sunday than you do to any of your teammates.
"Well, I think I've got a better chance of throwing a TD to Reed than I do to my guys," says Manning.
It's not pretty on Sunday for the Giants. Manning is hounded all day by the Ravens, and throws two interceptions. Baltimore relives their Super Bowl XXXV destruction of the Giants.
Ravens win, 27-0.
As time runs down in the fourth quarter, the perfect alignment of the sun and M&T Bank stadium creates a breathtaking eclipse of former Raven and current sideline-roamer Tony Siragusa.
Oakland @ Atlanta
You've got to hand it to the Dirty Birds from Atlanta. They are making the NFC playoff race very exciting. Why, you may ask? Well, if a 9-3 record and two-game division lead can be shaky, then that describes the Falcons. No, I'm not saying they won't win the NFC South; they will. But, let's say they are the No. 2 seed in the playoffs. They'll play the winner of the No. 3 versus No. 6, which will probably be a toss-up. The winner of that game will probably feel fairly confident of going to Atlanta and beating the Falcons. Sure, the Falcons are tough at home (5-1), but they often follow a big win with a big loss.
"So, you're saying we lose all of our 'statement' games?" asks Atlanta head coach Jim Mora.
Yeah, like that statement game at Kansas City seven weeks ago when the Chiefs blasted you 56-10. Or last week, when Tampa Bay shut you out 27-0. Correct me if I'm wrong, Coach, but teams worth their playoff salt don't get beat by anybody 56-10, nor should they be shut out by anybody.
"Okay, I'll make you a guarantee," says Mora. "I guarantee the Raiders won't beat us 56-10 or shut us out. And I'll bet you we outrush them, too."
You're really going out on a limb there, Jim, especially about that outrushing deal. The Raiders' running backs corps consists of Amos Zeroueue, "Huggy Bear, Jr." Justin Fargas, and J.R. Redmond.
"Not exactly Michael Vick, Warrick Dunn, and T.J. Duckett now, is it?" snickers Mora.
No, but the Raiders aren't exactly the quality of opponent you'll be meeting in the playoffs now, is it?
The Atlanta trio of runners carve up the Raiders for 200 yards rushing, and the Falcons stack up on the pass defense and force three Kerry Collins' turnovers.
Atlanta wins, 31-14.
Seattle @ Minnesota
"Man, what's up with those Seahawks?" asks Randy Moss. "Once again, they could have taken the outright lead in the NFC West, but they go and blow a 10-point lead in the final 1:54 against the Cowboys last Monday. Seattle is wack."
Damn, Mad Skillz, maybe you should take a look in the mirror. On a Sunday where you knew by 2:00 eastern time that Green Bay was going down (they were down 35-3 at the half), you and your Vikings lay a second-half goose egg and lose to division rivals the Bears, 24-14.
"You make a good point, player," agrees Moss. "That's why I want you to know. I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer. If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change."
Damn, Randy! Did you just quote a Michael Jackson song?
"What, fool?! You obviously don't know Randy Rule No. 1. Never mention the name 'Michael Jackson' in my presence again. That's a rule I instituted after I spent the weekend at Neverland Ranch five years ago. Anyway, all I'm saying is I got to start producing like I know I can, and hopefully my teammates will follow my lead, and hopeully, we won't collapse our way out of the playoffs. If that sounds like a Michael Jackson song, then so be it."
Moss toughs out his healing hamstring and catches a short touchdown pass from Daunte Culpepper. Onterrio Smith rushes for 100 yards, then shares drug suspension anecdotes with Seahawk wide receiver Koren Robinson.
Vikings win, 35-27.
Miami @ Denver
As if on cue, Miami's A.J. Feeley threw five interceptions last week, one of which was returned for a touchdown by the Bills.
"Look, buddy," says Feeley, "Peyton Manning's not the only guy gunning for a touchdown pass record this year. I'm trying to set a record for most interceptions thrown that are returned for touchdowns. Come on, give me a break. If I throw five interceptions, one of them is bound to get returned for a touchdown."
"Yeah, I know Feeley sucks," admits Dolphins' interim coach Jim Bates. "But he's an on-the-field problem. My agenda is full with off-the-field problems. Of course, there's Ricky Williams. Then there's David Boston. Not only is he facing a four-game suspension for using steroids, he's also facing an assault charge for striking a ticket agent in the Burlington, Vermont airport. Why on earth was David in Vermont? Probably to deliver or pick up some steroids."
Listen, Jim. Do you hear that sound?
"All I hear is silence."
Exactly. Also known as the sound of none of Boston's teammates stampeding to serve as character witnesses for him.
Denver's Jake Plummer had his own issues with interceptions, particularly the four he tossed to the Chargers last Sunday, including and end zone job as the Broncos were driving for the go-ahead score in the fourth quarter. He also completed only 16-40 passes to add to his misery. Hey, Mike Shanahan, close your eyes and concentrate on picturing Plummer holding the Super Bowl MVP trophy. Are you getting the image?
"I'm sorry, I'm just not seeing it," Shanahan answers.
Okay Mike. Try this. Picture Plummer holding the Super Bowl MVP trophy being chased away from the home a John Elway.
"Yeah, I can definitely see that."
The point, Mike, is this: is Jake Plummer the man to lead Denver to the Super Bowl? I don't think so. Sure, he can lead you to the playoffs, but beyond that, what?
"I think he'd make a nice quarterbacks coach."
Great. But lets say you make the playoffs, likely as the No. 5 or No. 6 seed. You either get a severe beating by the Colts, or a moderate to strong beating by the Jets. So take your pick.
"We're going to shoot for the moon and that #5 seed."
Aim high, my friend. Aim high.
The Broncos hold serve with a 26-13 win over the Dolphins.
New York Jets @ Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh's Ben Roethlisberger won his 10th straight game as a starter, a record for rookie quarterbacks, with the Steelers' win over Jacksonville last Sunday. Roethlisberger once again managed the offense impeccably, throwing two touchdowns and no interceptions, and only three incompletions. Big Ben also improvised a fourth quarter scramble that helped continue the drive that eventually led to Jeff Reed's game-winning field goal.
"The guy has uncanny maturity for his age," beams Steelers' coach Bill Cowher. "He's got a field presence that some seasoned veterans never acquire, and 10-straight wins for any quarterback, rookie or not, is great. You know, since Ben's been our starter, those nightly nightmares involving Kordell Stewart and Tommy Maddox have ceased completely. Neil O'Donnell still haunts me, though."
"I'll take my guy Chad Pennington over Roethlisberger any day," Jets' coach Herman Edwards comments, "although it would be nice if Chad had a ten-game winning streak and just a hint of arm strength."
Pennington has neither, but he does have Curtis Martin, the NFL's leading rusher.
"It will be nice to return to Pittsburgh," says Martin. "I fondly remember my college days as a Pitt Panther, when you had to earn your bowl bids. I've got to hand it to the Steelers; they've earned their status as the league's best team. The Pittsburgh Panthers? How do you get a BCS bowl bid when your record is 8-3? I know what the 'BS' in BCS stands for. What's the 'C' mean?"
Well, Curtis, the "C" could stand for the "crack" that the number crunchers were doing when they devised the BCS formula.
But who care about BCS when Jets/Steelers is on tap? And speaking of "on tap," the beer should be flowing at Heinz Field, especially in section 235 and 236, club level. With a cold and rainy forecast for Sunday, expect another hard-hitting, low-scoring Steelers' win. Both teams will try unsuccessfully to establish the rush, forcing them to rely on the pass to move the ball. With Jay Riemersma out for the year and Plaxico Burress questionable with a sore hamstring, Roethlisberger will look to Hines Ward for the big play. A touchdown connection between the two in the third quarter pushes the Steelers' to victory. Pittsburgh wins, 19-13.
Detroit @ Green Bay
The Packers spent the first two days of practice this week recovering their manhood after being dismantled 47-17 last Sunday by the Eagles.
"We all kind of felt like we were John Bobbitt there for a little while," Brett Favre sheepishly explains. "But this team is resilient. We will find our manhood, get our swerve back, and get our groove back on."
Favre's streak of at least one touchdown pass in 37 consecutive games came to an abrupt end last Sunday in Philadelphia. It was the second longest such streak in NFL history, second only to Johnny Unitas' streak of 47.
"Hey, we'd like nothing more than for Brett to start a new streak against us," says Lions' coach Steve Mariucci. "Uh, wait a minute. No, we wouldn't."
Too bad, Steve. It's going to happen anyway. It's the Packers at Lambeau, following an embarrassing loss.
"This could be painful," adds Mariucci. "But don't forget. The Packers are 3-3 at home this year. We're 3-3 on the road. Something's got to give. Capiche?"
Okay. In that case, I'll give you a ten percent chance of winning, which, in simpler terms, spells a 31-10 Packer victory.
San Francisco @ Arizona
"Is there any hope for us?" asks a perturbed Dennis Erickson. "We're 1-10 in the NFC West, the weakest division in football. Can't someone help us?"
"Hi, Coach. I'm Barry Bonds. I'm sympathetic to the plight of fellow San Franciscan professional sports teams. Just take this ointment and rub it on any part of your body. It works best when you tell yourself it's not an illegal substance banned by several pro sports governing bodies. Complement it with a few injections of a mysterious substance administered by a BALCO employee, and you're on your way to turning your season around."
"Ah, Barry, I appreciate your offer," says Erickson, "but I'll have to say 'no thanks.' I don't need the gonads of my players shrunken any more than a 1-10 record already has. My guys are plenty strong, anyway. Do you have anything to chemically enhance coaching ability?"
In Phoenix, the 4-8 Cardinals keep losing, but so do the Rams and Seahawks, so Arizona remains in the division hunt, technically. Coach Dennis Green faces his weekly dilemma of which quarterback does he want throwing interceptions.
"I gave John Navarre his chance last week," says Green, "and he laid an egg. So this week, we're going to go with Josh McCown again. I couldn't start McCown last week because his brother Luke started for the Browns. I don't know if you are aware of this, but there is an unwritten rule in the NFL: never have two McCown's starting in the same week. So, I'm just following protocol."
Well, thanks for doing that, Denny.
With a win, and losses by the Rams and Seahawks, the Cards will only be one game out of first place. And that's what happens. Luckily, Arizona and San Fran are playing each other, otherwise every team in the NFC West would lose. McCown throws touchdown passes to Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin.
Arizona wins, 17-7.
St. Louis @ Carolina
What do you get when you cross a Marshall Faulk knee injury with a Marc Bulger shoulder injury?
"I'll answer that," replies Rams' running back Steven Jackson. "You get me rushing for 100 yards. And you also get Coach Martz not having to make any decisions, except to give me the ball. That's one decision he can't screw up."
"Ah, but I can't take all the credit for that brilliant personnel move," adds Martz. "I owe much of the credit to my trusty laptop computer. I just plug in the data, and presto! This display tells me what I need to do."
Ah Mike, that's your grandson's Etch-A-Sketch, not a lap top computer. All I see is a mass of squiggly lines.
"Aha! That explains my haphazard playcalling."
Carolina is ESPN's Tom Jackson's pick to slip into the final NFC playoff spot.
"It's always a boost when a respected football analyst, or Michael Irvin, taps your team as a playoff contender," notes Fox. "It's nice to know that despite all the attrition we've suffered this year, people recognize our hard work and diligence in remaining a playoff contender. Now, if Brentson Buckner could just win the 'NFL Big Man Dance Challenge' on the NFL Network, I'll be even more ecstatic. If they give it to that white boy Grant Wistrom, I will be pissed."
The Panthers have been riding the legs of reserve running back Nick Goings in establishing their four-game winning streak. Goings has rushed for over 100 yards in three-straight games. Last week, Goings had 122 yards on 36 carries, and got help from kicker John Kasay, who booted a Panther-record six field goals against the Saints.
"I haven't seen that much kicking since Steve Smith whipped Anthony Bright's ass in a film session two years ago," adds Goings.
The Panthers will do the same to the Rams, and there are two things the Rams can do about it.
"And what are those?" asks Martz.
"Nothing and like it," replies Ric Flair, pro wrestling icon, Charlotte resident, and fervent Panthers' supporter.
Jake Delhomme passes for three touchdowns, and Julius Peppers and the Panthers' defense pummel quarterback Chris Chandler.
Carolina wins, 27-13.
Tampa Bay @ San Diego
"That old geezer Marty Schottenheimer is still around?" queries Tampa coach Jon Gruden. "I seem to recall whipping his tail on several occasions when I was with the Raiders. I also seem to faintly remember seeing him coaching the Browns while I was still in diapers."
Such is the generational gap between Gruden, the NFL's youngest coach, and Schottenheimer, one of the league's oldest.
"I think there are a lot of similarities between Marty and myself," Gruden explains. "We're both hard-nosed competitors who expect a great deal from our players. I think our biggest difference is how we interact with our players. If you make a mistake for Marty, he'll tell you 'Tough luck, young man. Get 'em next time.' If you play for me and you make an error, I will cuss you out in front of a national television audience. Even if you can't hear me, if you can see my lips moving, you know the profanity is flying. And I think that's how players of today want it. You can have a friendly conversation with a player and get cussed out; that's how they talk these days, bitch."
With the Bucs at 5-7, Gruden's probably been doing a lot of cursing. And his players listen. Last week, the Bucs stoned the playoff-bound Falcons. Can they upset the playoff-bound Chargers on Sunday?
"Hell yeah, you #%$&*," yells Gruden.
I agree, you %#@#@. Derrick Brooks and the speedy Tampa linebackers contain LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates.
Buccaneers, win 22-20.
Philadelphia @ Washington
Donovan McNabb joined the 2004 five touchdown passes club with his effort last Sunday in the Eagles' 47-17 demolition of Green Bay, and, in the process set an NFL record of 24-straight completions, set over the course of two games.
"Sure," McNabb says, "Daunte Culpepper may have three five-TD games, and Peyton Manning may have five of those. But I've got something they don't have: an 11-1 record. I also wear the cornrows better than either."
You know, Donovan, I could see Culpepper in cornrows. But Manning in cornrows? I think you'd see Philly win an NFC Championship game before you'd see Manning with cornrows.
"Ouch. That smarts," replies McNabb.
But seriously, McNabb's got a pretty cool nu skool/old school look with the cornrows and the beard. And the moonwalk celebrations in the end zone are pretty fly, too.
The biggest question in this game is not whether the Eagles will win or not. The drama is all about Terrell Owens catching his 15th touchdown pass. Based on a bet made with Eagles' coach Andy Reid, Reid has promised to wear the full-body tights, a la T.O., if Owens catches that 15th TD.
"It will happen," says Owens. "If not this week, then the next, or the next. I'm not being cocky; I'm just giving everybody fair warning. Just be positive you want to see Coach Reid in tights. As you can imagine, it's not a pretty sight. We might even have to get the motion picture ratings board to put a rating on the sight. Call it 'R' for repulsive."
Owens snags that 15th TD in the third quarter, and McNabb throws two others. The Philly defense shuts down Clinton Portis and Patrick Ramsey.
The Eagles win, 27-7.
Later in the week, Reid dons the tights, and is promptly mistaken for the Michelin Man by several children.
Kansas City @ Tennessee
The Titans pulled out all the stops against the Colts last Sunday, recovering two onside kicks that helped them score 24 first quarter points.
"And we still lost," a dejected Jeff Fisher reports.
Twenty-four points in the first quarter is great, Jeff, but that's all you scored for the entire game. Twenty-four points didn't cut it against the Colts, and it won't cut it against the Chiefs.
The days of Steve McNair as NFL player may be numbered, as he is seriously contemplating retirement. After 10 years of poundings, McNair may have finally had enough.
"When it becomes a painful ordeal just to make my kids Kool-Aid," says McNair, "you can imagine the pain I endure playing a game, or sitting one out, for that matter. I've talked extensively with former Memphis Grizzlies head coach Hubie Brown, who himself just retired for health reasons. Hubie told me his decision was made easier by having confidence in his replacement, Mike Fratello. Now, do I have the confidence in Billy Volek that Brown has in the 'Czar of the Telestrator'? The answer is yes, although I'm only confident in Billy's quarterbacking skills and not his ability to diagram NBA plays on a magic TV screen."
The Chiefs' Priest Holmes can relate to McNair's plight on both fronts.
"I briefly flirted with retirement after the 2002 season," Holmes explains, "and I've had my share of injuries, although our press guide doesn't need two whole pages to list those injuries, as is the case with McNair. I would advise Steve to weigh the pros and cons and make an informed decision. If that involves seeing a psychic, having his palm read, or eating 500 to 1,000 fortune cookies until you see the advice on that little slip of paper inside that suits you best, then that's what he should do."
McNair is currently listed as questionable for Monday night's game, as he has been for practically every game this year. Realizing this may be his last Monday night game, McNair starts, and inspires the Titans to an early lead. But the Chiefs offense is too much for the Titans' injury-depleted defense to handle. Running back Larry Johnson rushes for one touchdown; Trent Green throws TD passes to Tony Gonzalez and Johnny Morton.
Chiefs win, 30-24.
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