NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 13

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Arizona @ Detroit

"In case you have forgotten," notes Lion coach Steve Mariucci, "we were 4-2 not too long ago."

Well, I have forgotten, Steve. Five straight losses tend to take precedence in one's memory over an ancient 4-2 record. Also, I tend to remember six touchdowns surrendered to Peyton Manning on Thanksgiving.

"I'm sorry," replies Mariucci. "My selective memory only allows me to remember one thing from Thanksgiving, and that's the delicious flavor of turkey alfredo penetrating my tastebuds."

In Arizona, John Navarre takes over at quarterback in the wake of the Shaun King/Josh McCown debacle last Sunday against the Jets (combined 19-36, 181 yards, three interceptions, no touchdowns, plenty of stupidity).

"Let's get this straight," explains Cardinal head coach Dennis Green. "John Navarre did not get this job by default. He's earned it. How can you deny a man who's married to that hottie, Carmen Electra? And he can really shred that fret board when he's onstage with alt-rockers Jane's Addiction. The man's got credentials."

Dennis, I'm afraid you're confusing John Navarre with Dave Navarro.

"Damnit! So you're telling me Carmen Electra won't be at the game?"

Yeah, that's what I'm telling you. But I'll make you a deal. If John Navarre leads the Cardinals to victory over the Lions, I'll make sure Carmen Electra attends your next game, and I'll throw in a Paris Hilton video to boot.

"It's a deal! Sucker."

Luckily, Detroit blasts the Cardinals, and I'm able to save that Carmen Electra favor for something more worthwhile. Joey Harrington throws two touchdowns and Detroit wins, 27-7.

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay

Tampa kicker Martin Gramatica single-handedly lost last week's game at Carolina by missing three field goals. In his defense, though, he did drill two extra points right over the center of the crossbar. With his three misses, Gramatica is 11-for-19 in field goals, which sucks for a kicker, but is the kind of percentage Shaquille O'Neal would kill for from the free throw line.

"Where the hell did Martin ever get the nickname 'Automatica' Gramatica?" asks Bucs coach Jon Gruden. "You couldn't even call him 'Semi-Automatica.' Maybe 'Erratica' would be more fitting, or possibly 'You Make Me Sic-a' Gramatica would suffice."

Maybe you should just fire him, Chucky, and check the waiver wire for a kicker, be it human or donkey. Oyich!

"That's what I just did," replies Gruden. "Bon voyag-ica, Martin Gramatica. You ain't worth a lic-a."

For the Falcons, the kicking game is not a worry. Nor is winning the NFC South.

"What concerns us is the same thing that concerns any NFC playoff contender," adds Falcon coach Jim Mora. "And that is: should we happen to make the Super Bowl, how the hell are we going to compete with the AFC champion? I mean, New England, Pittsburgh, Indy, San Diego; we can't compete with those guys. We're just hoping for some major upsets in the AFC playoffs. I think we could handle Denver, or possibly Jacksonville."

Jim, I think your first order of business should be winning this game and clinching the NFC South. The sooner you put these 4-7 so-called playoff contenders out of their misery, the sooner this muddled playoff picture clears itself. And the sooner you can lose to the Packers or Vikings in the second-round of the playoffs. The Falcons are 5-1 at home; the Bucs are 1-5 on the road. You do the math.

Falcons win, 27-21.

Buffalo @ Miami

"Sure, we may be 2-9, but we do sport one of the league's statistical leaders right here on this very team," boasts Miami interim coach Jim Bates. "A.J. Feeley leads the league in touchdown passes."

You're right, Jim. Feeley does lead the league in touchdown passes ... to the other team. He's thrown four interceptions that have been returned for touchdowns.

"That must be why A.J. was so adamant about adding that performance incentive clause to his contract," says Bates. "That fool never had any intentions of throwing offensive touchdowns. We've been had! Dave Wannstedt must have had something to do with this."

Feeley did, however, throw two touchdown passes to the right team in leading the Dolphins to their second win of the season, 24-17 over the hapless 49ers.

In Buffalo, running back Willis McGahee has been carrying the load for the 5-6 Bills, who have won two straight, destroying St. Louis and Seattle in consecutive weeks.

"Ninety percent of that load is Drew Bledsoe," adds McGahee, "and ninety percent of that ninety percent is dead weight. But I'll gladly carry the ball if that means Drew not throwing it, and hopefully, we can stay alive in the playoff hunt."

Playoffs? Sounds like Mularkey.

"You rang?" says Bills head coach Mike Mularkey. "This McGahee deal is making me look like a genius. And we'll keep riding Willis as long as his bionic knee holds up."

McGahee rushes for 109 yards on 30 carries, and one touchdown. Feeley gets back on track with an interception returned for a TD. The Buffalo defense dominates again.

Bills win, 20-0.

Carolina @ New Orleans

With their 21-14 win over the Bucs last Sunday, the Panthers are still alive in the NFC wildcard playoff hunt.

"And if you believe that," snickers Carolina coach John Fox, "then I've got some swamp land in Florida that I'd like to sell you. And, if you're interested, I've also got a deal on some Rolex watches and some bootleg DVDs I picked up in New York City. Check it out."

Fox opens up his London Fog overcoat to reveal a fine selection of watches and DVDs.

"Uh oh!" Fox cries. "I just realized I'm not wearing any pants."

Not to worry, coach. Neither am I.

But seriously, Fox, you are still in the playoff hunt. I know that's a sad commentary about the state of the NFC when, 12 weeks into the season, teams with 4-7 records have a shot at the playoffs. Get a load of the fine company you're in: Dallas, New Orleans, Tampa Bay, Chicago, Detroit, and Arizona.

"Damn, that's a pathetic conglomeration of playoff hopefuls," Fox admits. "But I'm glad we're in it. Let's go, men. To arms!"

Two arms? You must be referring to the Saints, who all have two arms, although several are missing feet, because the Saints continually shoot themselves in the foot. For reasons beyond my comprehension, Jim Haslett still has a job as New Orleans' coach.

"And for reasons beyond my comprehension," replies Haslett, "we haven't been eliminated from the playoffs."

"Consider it done," warns Panther defensive end Julius Peppers.

True to his word, Julius Peppers mauls the Saints, especially Aaron Brooks, who falters with an interception and a fumble. Local favorite and former Saint Jake Delhomme gives his fans a show, with two touchdown passes.

Panthers win, 30-19.

Cincinnati @ Baltimore

If you've ever needed a good definition of reality check, here it is: a week after exploding for 58 points against the Browns, the Bengals must face the Ravens, whose defense is tied for league lead in scoring defense, giving up only 14.9 points a game.

"So you're saying we can expect to score less than 58 this time?" asks Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis.

Yeah, but that's if you score at all. But luckily, the Raven offense isn't exactly lighting up the scoreboard. Kyle Boller played scared against the Patriots last week, and without his security blanket, running back Jamal Lewis, Boller will probably have a tough time against a Bengals' defense that is third in the league in takeaways.

As usual, the pressure will be on the Baltimore defense to put the offense in position to score, and that's usually where Ed Reed interjects himself. In case you haven't noticed, Ed Reed has become the defensive leader by making plays, not by doing some silly, pre-game twitch-dance.

"For the love of God, man," cries Reed, "don't let Ray Lewis hear you say that."

Okay, as long as you don't let him read this.

Defense and offensive ineptitude keep this one close. In the end, a Reed interception of an errant Carson Palmer pass makes the difference.

Ravens win, 23-17.

Houston @ N.Y. Jets

Jets' quarterback Quincy Carter returned to last week's game at Arizona after getting knocked silly, responding with a 69-yard touchdown pass to Santana Moss.

"Right there! Yes!" yells the excitable Herman Edwards. "That's what I'm talking about. That's the kind of mental toughness I try to instill in all my teams. You might get your tail knocked on the canvas, but you've got to get back up like a champion prizefighter and keep swinging. Quincy sure did. Santana's been looking for that bomb all year. Well, he finally got it, because he kept trying, he kept fighting. Curtis Martin has played hurt for the last three or four games. He's a doggone trooper. Yes! I love these guys! I think I might change my pre-game ritual of shaking every players' hand and just start hugging these guys."

"Wow! That Herm Edwards sure has a lot of energy," admires Texan David Carr. "If I hear Coach Capers rambling on like that, I'll know he's gone overboard on that Red Bull, coffee, and yellow jacket concoction he likes to call 'a pick-me-up.' As it is, a pre-game speech from Coach is like listening to Ben Stein narrate a 'Books on Tape' edition of War and Peace."

Maybe Carr's got a point. Could it be that all the talented Texans need to reach the next level is a little more motivation than the low-key Capers can supply?

"Or maybe my players are just plain stupid," replies Capers.

Good point, Dom, but say it with a little more feeling.

"Okay. Or maybe my players are just plain stupid! Damnit!"

In any case, this game is important to both teams. The Texans need a win to remain in playoff contention. The Jets need a win to maintain their playoff position. With remaining games at Pittsburgh and St. Louis, and home games against Seattle and New England, the Jets home stretch is tough.

"Luckily for us," Edwards replies, "Baltimore and Denver lost last week, so it's all good in the 'hood."

Once again, the Jets' defense steps up, and Curtis Martin toughs out 100 yards on the ground.

New York wins, 24-16.

Minnesota @ Chicago

"I just want to clear the air of a rumor that's been going around," says Randy Moss. "No, I was not with the Timberwolves' Michael Olowokandi when he got the stun gun in Indianapolis the other night for refusing to leave a night club. I repeat. I was not with the Candy Man when he was arrested. But I wish I was! I missed a special episode of Cops the other night, the Tased and Confused edition. There's nothing like seeing 50,000 volts bringing an angry, unruly man to his knees. To see it live, that would have been the bomb."

Well, Randy, I don't know if you're aware of this, but you, as a private citizen, can own your own stun gun.

"I can?" replies Moss. "I could really use one of those contraptions. That 'No Soliciting' sign posted on my front door just isn't getting the message through. I'm sure a taste of some voltage would keep those Girl Scouts away once and for all."

Moss' teammate, quarterback Daunte Culpepper, received some shocking news of his own on Thanksgiving, when Peyton Manning threw for six TDs, giving him four games with at least five touchdowns, an NFL record.

"Why should the exploits of that honky cat Peyton Manning matter to me, especially on Thanksgiving?" asks Culpepper. "I was busy packing 10,000 calories into this 260-pound defensive lineman's body I carry around."

Well, Manning broke your record, Daunte.

"Seriously? I didn't know I had one."

Well, that's understandable. You only had it for a little over a month. Tough break.

In Chicago, the Bears signed Jeff George, which now completes their "Four Stooges" quarterback rotation of Chad Hutchinson, Craig Krenzel, Jonathan Quinn, and George.

"My exhaustive research reveals that there was a fifth Stooge," explains Mike Tice. "Let's see. There was Shemp, Moe, Curly, Larry, and the fifth, Lovie. Gotcha, Smith!"

It doesn't matter what Stooge starts at QB for the Bears, it's good news for the Vikings defense. Moss catches one of Culpepper's two touchdown passes.

Vikings win, 21-10.

New England @ Cleveland

"After the events on last week in Cincinnati," comments Patriots' coach Bill Belichick, "it's obvious that we have our work cut out for us."

What do you mean, Coach? Holding the Browns to less than the 48 points they scored in a losing effort to the Bengals?

"Oh no, my friend," replies Belichick. "We must score at least 58 points against the Browns. Do you realize what damage would be done to our image if we were unable to score as many points as the Bengals did against the Browns? We're talking about the Bengals here. If we don't score 58 or more, I could lose my job."

Seriously, Bill, do you really think someone could lose their job for not scoring more than 58 points? That's about as absurd as someone losing their job for giving up 58 points. Ludicrous.

"It happened," answers Bellichick. "Cleveland's Butch Davis was forced to resign on Tuesday for that very reason."

Sounds like the old "resign or you'll be fired" ultimatum.

Offensive coordinator Terry Robiskie will serve as interim coach while the team searches for Davis' successor. And, just as in 2000 when Robiskie assumed the Redskins' interim job after Norv Turner's firing, Robiskie will be ignored and the team will hire a less deserving coach.

"That's okay with me," counters Robiskie. "When I got in to this coaching business, I set a goal to become a three-time interim coach. I'm two-thirds of the way there. If I hang around in Cleveland a little longer, I'll achieve that goal after the next firing of a coach. That is, unless the Browns can afford to hire Charlie Weis or Romeo Crennel of the Patriots. Those guys could make it work. My gut feeling is they'll hire some college coach to come in here and run the franchise further into the ground."

In the meantime, Terry, you've got the unenviable task of readying the Browns after the trauma of losing their beloved coach.

"Trauma? Are you kidding?" Robiskie replies. "Those guys cheered when Butch resigned."

Well, the question is, can you get them that fired up for the Patriots?

"Uh, can I tender my resignation?" asks Robiskie.

Corey Dillon and the Patriots abuse the reeling Browns. Dillon rushes for 120 yards and a touchdown.

Pats win, 31-10.

San Francisco @ St. Louis

In the latest edition of Mad Martz: Beyond Edward Jones Dome, Ram coach Mike Martz opts to fake a field goal on fourth and seven instead of attempting the field goal, which, if successful, would have left the Rams only eight points down at 21-13. That was the situation last Monday night, and Green Bay stuffed the fake and annihilated the Rams, 45-17.

"See, it wouldn't have mattered anyway," explains Martz. "We still would have lost."

You know your decisions are dubious when even San Francisco head coach Dennis Erickson questions your play calling.

"Dang! I've been known to make a bone-headed play call or two, or 50 for that matter," adds Erickson. "For Christ's sake, we're 1-10, so I know all about bad decisions. Hell, look at my haircut. Another bad decision. The bottom line is this: even I can confidently call Martz an idiot."

There you have it, folks. Dennis Erickson called Mike Martz an idiot. If Dennis Erickson calls you an idiot, then you are a stone cold idiot.

"And that's the bottom line," adds Erickson.

And speaking of bottom, Dennis, the 49ers are the worst in the NFL at 1-10 with the longest current losing streak, six games. Fans are losing interest in droves, and things are so bad that Monster Park employees are playing a laugh track to simulate the noise normally made by the game crowd.

"Is that true?" asks Erickson.

If you have to ask, an answer is not even necessary, is it? Does it matter? You're playing on the road anyway.

"You're right. It doesn't matter. We suck everywhere."

Martz leads the Rams to victory, and when I say 'leads', I mean he doesn't make any wacky calls that usually lose the game for the Rams. St. Louis wins 30-14, setting the Rams up for a loss next week at the improving Panthers. Martz celebrates the victory by making his worst decision ever: recording a bluegrass tune with rapper Nelly and the St. Lunatics.

Tennessee @ Indianapolis

You know what's most amazing about Peyton Manning's six touchdown passes versus the Lions on Thanksgiving?

"The fact that I did it in only three quarters?" replies Manning.

What's so special about that? That's only two touchdowns a quarter. What's amazing is we finally found out who Manning's backup is.

"You know what?" adds Manning. "So did I."

Let's give a shout out to Jim Sorgi, Manning's backup.

"Yaaaay! Jim Sorgi! Hooray!" Manning sarcastically replies. "Now do you people realize why I hardly ever take myself out of a game? It's because Jim Sorgi is my backup. The Colts' offense can't operate at full potential with Jim Sorgi at the helm. But I got to hand it to Sorgi; he's a master of the kneel-down. If I were him, I would never audible away from that kneel-down play. It can't miss."

Manning continues, "But enough about Sorgi. Let's talk about Steve McNair. Steve, baby, I hear your talking about retiring. I've got a great gift for you. It's a postage prepaid box, just big enough for you to place your half of the 2003 MVP award in and rightfully mail to me. I made you this offer earlier in the year and you refused. And look at the opposite directions we've taken. You're a walking quadriplegic, and I'm headed for a solo MVP award. Coincidence? No. Voodoo curse? You bet."

Whatever Manning's into, whether it be voodoo, ancient Chinese secrets, or just a compulsive obsession to be the best, it's working, as he is only eight touchdown passes away from breaking Dan Marino's record of 48 TD passes in a season. The record should be Manning's for the taking, unless his receivers' arms fall off, or Marino dabbles in some form of witchery and hexes.

"I'm not into that sort of thing," replies Marino. "Know any discreet hit men?"

No, I don't, Dan. You should make plans to be in Houston next week, so you can personally watch Manning break your record.

Manning throws four TD passes, and the Indy defense knocks McNair out of the game.

The Colts win, 34-17.

Denver @ San Diego

It is now official. San Diego's Antonio Gates is the best tight end in football, bar none. After Gates' seven-catch, 2 TD performance against the Chiefs last week, Tony Gonzalez symbolically passed the torch, signifying the former Kent State Golden Flash's ascension to the top. Gates, tied for second in the league with eleven receiving TDs, was humbled.

"What's this talk of 'passing the torch' and 'golden flashes'?" Gates asks. "Are we going to talk about me or Ricky Williams' code words for smoking a fat one? Anyway, yes, I am humbled. It's a very humbling experience to be as great as I am. If I had stuck with basketball and made the NBA, I would have employed a 7-10 homey posse to remind me how great I am. That's not kosher in the NFL, so excuse me if I have to tell myself how great I am."

No problem, A.G. One less egomaniac in the NBA is all right by me.

Things are not all right in Denver. Coach Mike Shanahan was livid at the Broncos' 25-24 upset loss to the Raiders in snowy Denver.

"It's one thing to lose to the Raiders," notes Shanahan, "and it's another thing to lose to them when the game meant so much to us. It's even more upsetting to lose to the Raiders in the snow. What's most distressing, though, is having my eyebrows freeze solid and break off last Sunday, because I wasn't wearing any head protection. Now my wife has to pencil in some eyebrows on me until my real ones grow back, which shouldn't take long, since my eyebrows are hairdo's on most men."

As Shanahan stated, last week's loss was huge for the Broncos. A loss to the Chargers Sunday, and Denver is two games behind San Diego in the AFC West, and, at 7-5, they would fall further to the fringes of a wildcard spot in the highly competitive AFC. With a win, Denver would be in the driver's seat, having defeated the Chargers twice.

The Chargers have plenty to play for themselves besides the division title, namely a first-round playoff home game.

"Yeah, yeah, we know all that crap," complains Drew Brees. "Coach Schottenheimer makes that point when he gives us the usual 'Make this house our home!' speech before every home game. It's bad enough hearing it live, but then we have to hear it replayed on ESPN and NFL Network a hundred times a week. Can't he just shut up?"

Sorry, Drew. Two things Schottenheimer will never do are shut up and retire.

On Sunday, the Chargers bring their "A" game, meaning "Antonio" Gates. The Broncos have no defender to match the size and speed of Gates, and he makes them pay with eight receptions and a touchdown. It's close until the end, when a Nate Kaeding field goal gives the Chargers the victory 23-20.

Kansas City @ Oakland

Oakland wide receiver Jerry Porter finally decided to show up in week 12, with three touchdown catches against Denver after only one in the previous 10 games. Damn Jerry, do you know how many fantasy owners you just dissed with that performance?

"Hey pal, lay off," begs Porter. "I didn't even start myself on my fantasy team. But I did start Ronald Curry, and he had a spectacular touchdown catch. Did you see it?"

Yeah, I did. I also saw you burn the best cornerback in the game, Champ Bailey, for three touchdowns. What gives, Jerry? You wait for a blizzard and the best defender possible and then you have your breakout game?

"Well, it is a contract year," replies Porter. "I figure I better start producing, otherwise I won't be an overpaid free agent catch for some sucker team next year who's looking for a quality wideout. By the way, I'm starting myself on my fantasy team."

Okay, I'm starting you, as well. How about you pretend you're playing in a tornado and you're being triple-covered by Lester Hayes, Ronnie Lott, and Deion Sanders.

Kansas City coach Dick Vermeil has announced that he will return next year to coach the final year of his contract.

"I'm going to honor that final year," adds Vermeil. "Hopefully, everyone will recover their health in the offseason. Our offense is solid, but we have some holes on defense that we need to fill, namely 11 of them. If we can accomplish that, and petition the league for a move to the NFC West, then maybe we can make a playoff run. Then, next year, with a tear in my eye, I will call it quits for the fifth time. As for now, I will give my all in this meaningless game."

An injured Trent Green throws three touchdown passes, and the Chiefs outscore the Raiders 34-28.

Green Bay @ Philadelphia

The NFL Game of the Week has all the makings of a classic. There's Brett Favre versus Donovan McNabb. There's the coaching matchup of former Mike Holmgren disciples, Mike Sherman and Andy Reid. And then there's Terrell Owens against whomever he chooses to create a feud.

"And I think I'll choose to call out that Rasta wanna-be Al Harris," Owens boldly states. "I'm just hoping he's covering me, especially if it's fourth-and-26 with the outcome of the game on the line."

Ah yes. Fourth-and-26. If you remember, last year in the divisional playoffs, McNabb converted on fourth-and-26 with a pass to Freddie Mitchell. The pass led to a David Akers field goal, which sent the game into overtime. The Eagles eventually won in overtime.

"I'll stand here and lie to your face and tell you that play doesn't matter to us," Sherman states.

Were this the NFC Championship, and like this game, in Philadelphia, the Packers would be able to exact their revenge. But since it's just a regular season game, the Eagles won't choke. McNabb and Owens hook up for two scores, and the Philly defense picks off Favre twice.

Eagles win, 35-30.

N.Y. Giants @ Washington

The Giants broke out the red jerseys last Sunday against the Eagles, which ended up being good news and bad news for the G-Men.

"Yeah, the red shirts were pretty fresh," notes Tiki Barber. "But we weren't trying to make a fashion statement or anything. We got some information that the Eagles' defense was color blind, so we wore the red hoping to confuse them. As it turns out, they're not colorblind, and red jerseys just made us easier to see. It's like we were walking bull's eyes out there."

"I'll tell you who was seeing red," snaps angry old man Tom Coughlin. "Me. We were terrible out there. Especially Eli Manning. His numbers were terrible. 6-21, for 148 yards and two interceptions. You're a Manning, Eli. Play like one!"

"Easy, Coach," Manning calmly replies. "Look, if you combine my stats with those of my older brother Peyton from Thanksgiving, you get these numbers: 29-for-49, 384 yards, six touchdowns, two interceptions. Those are some pretty darn good stats, Coach."

"Good gracious!" Coughlin responds. "It's like I tell my dog every day: 'Pedigree will only take you so far.' In your case, Eli, it's taking you right to the bench. Kurt Warner! Get in here!"

"Yes, Coach," Warner excitedly responds.

"Kurt. Go find Jesse Palmer. He's starting. Nah, just kidding. Palmer's everything I hate about football players; good-looking, good head of hair, good skin, wears makeup. It makes me sick. Just like this quarterback conundrum. On second thought, Kurt, go draw me a bath, and light a few candles. Calgon, take me away!"

Don't expect much offense in this game. The 'Skins have their own quarterback problems with Patrick Ramsey and Mark Brunell. But Washington has an awesome defense, which should make life miserable for Manning or Warner, or any quarterback behind the Giants' offensive line, for that matter.

Redskins win, 17-7.

Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville

"This is a make-it-or-break-it game for us," says Jacksonville coach, and distant relative of actor Benicio Del Toro, Jack Del Rio. "And much like a new song debuting on American Bandstand, we can either ascend to the top of the charts or end up on as a bust as a result of winning or losing this game. Myself, I was a little partial to Soul Train, so for that reason, I'm bringing in Train icon Don Cornelius to speak some words of wisdom to my Jaguars."

Jack Del Rio is right. A loss to the Steelers would be the Jags' third straight, and would seriously hinder any playoff hopes they may be harboring.

The Jags' cause will be bolstered by the return of quarterback Byron Leftwich, who's missed the last two games with a knee injury.

"It's great to be back," says Leftwich. "But that's all secondary to the chance to be in the presence of the godfather of Soul Train."

The game is of equal importance to the Steelers, who, right now, have the edge over the Patriots for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. With home games against the Jets and Ravens, and a week 17 date at the surging Bills, the Steelers cannot afford a loss, because, let's face it, New England probably won't lose again.

"That is, as long as they don't play us," argues Bill Cowher.

You better hope it's in Pittsburgh, Bill.

Anyway, a rowdy home crowd, inspired by an ESPN national audience, along with Cornelius' motivational words of "Peace, Love, and Soul," help propel Jacksonville to an emotional 16-14 win over the Steelers.

Dallas @ Seattle

"No. I don't want it. You take it."

"No, please. I insist. You take it."

"No. You can have it. It's too much of a burden."

If you're wondering who's having this conversation, it's the Seahawks and the Rams discussing the NFC West title.

Right now, the Seahawks have possession of the division lead, a position they fell into after the Rams' destruction by the Packers, after the Seahawks themselves were demolished by the Bills.

To commemorate Seattle's gutless performances as of late, overrated coach Mike Holmgren brings in Seattle icons Ann and Nancy Wilson of the classic rock band Heart, to sing a riveting rendition of "Heartless."

"Coach Holmgren can question the team's manhood all he wants," explains quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, "because he's right about most of the guys. But don't look at me. I'm throwing the ball where it should be -- right in the hands of the receivers. They're just dropping it. Darrell Jackson told me he would pick up the slack while Koren Robinson serves his drug suspension. Well, Darrell was right. He has picked up the slack; he's dropping twice as many balls."

In Dallas, the Drew Henson project lasted all of one half. Now, it's back to Vinnie Testeverde running the Cowboy offense.

"It's clear to me now," adds Bill Parcells. "When you hear the name 'Henson', you don't think of football. You think of Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, and others, a la Jim Henson. For now, Drew would be best served to keep his hands off of footballs and, instead, use his hands up the backsides of The Muppets."

Julius Jones gives the Cowboys a legitimate running game, which will allow Dallas to keep the game fairly low scoring, and therefore, close. That will also allow the Seahawks to feed Shaun Alexander the ball, on the ground and in the air. A late Alexander receiving touchdown leads Seattle to a 27-20 win.