Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Cleveland @ Cincinnati
As you probably don't know, the Ohio state motto is: "With God, all things are possible."
"Yes, I knew that," says Bengals coach Marvin Lewis. "And I can apply that to my coaching philosophy, although that would put a lot of pressure on God if I were to tell my team that the playoffs are possible. If God is anything like Carson Palmer, and I'm guessing he's not, then He would make a lot of mental errors when faced with pressure."
"I must admit that I as well invoke the name of the Lord," adds Brown coach Butch Davis. "But with a 3-7 record and a bunch of erratic ass clowns for players, it's the kind of usage the Lord would probably not be too pleased about."
For heaven's sake, the Browns are certainly in turmoil. Weeklong rumors of Butch Davis' demise as head coach were quelled with a Tuesday announcement by management that Davis' would complete the year with his job intact.
"Ah, is that good news or bad news?" asks wide receiver Dennis Northcutt.
Good for Butch; bad for you and your teammates. And as a receiver, Dennis, you should be aware that Kelly Holcomb will get the start at quarterback in place of Jeff Garcia, who's out with an injured rotator cuff.
"One thing I've learned here in Cleveland," explains Northcutt, "is no matter who starts at quarterback lately, it's bad news for the Browns. Oh well."
He's right. Holcomb faces a Bengals defense that last week sacked Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger seven times at the expense of a strong Pittsburgh offensive line. Now that's bad news. Rudi Johnson rushes for 108 yards on 31 carries, leading the Bengals to a 23-7 win.
Jacksonville @ Minnesota
Randy Moss celebrates his return to the Viking lineup after missing three games due to a hamstring injury, games in which the Vikings went 1-2.
"Somebody break out the King Kobra, a bucket of chicken, and some Silly String," Moss yells. "It's time to party. Madd Skillz is back in da house!"
Moss' return comes at a most opportune time for the Vikes, who are in a dead heat with the Packers for the NFC North crown. Whether or not Moss' hamstring is totally healed may determine Minnesota's fortune. If Moss is at 100%, then the Vikings can exploit teams with the threat of Moss deep, which, when it doesn't lead directly to a touchdown, opens up the running game for the Vikings' stable of backs.
"I think Randy is capable of about 25 plays Sunday," explains Tice. "Hopefully, most of those will take place in the red zone."
If you remember from earlier in the year, when Moss was initially hurt, Tice said Moss wouldn't play, and he did. So who knows exactly what "25 plays" means. It could mean Moss doesn't play at all, or it could mean Moss plays the entire game at quarterback.
"All just a part of the Mike Tice master plan. You fools don't know a poker face when you see one."
Isn't that the point of a poker face? Not knowing.
Jack Del Rio's Jaguars also expect their most important player, Byron Leftwich, to return to the lineup. Leftwich missed the previous two games with a sprained ligament in his left knee.
"It'll be like a Marshall University reunion out there," says Jack Del Rio. "Moss and Byron are two special pros, and they were certainly two special collegians. It takes a special person to be a black kid and voluntarily go to West Virginia. Hell, I'm a white man and I wouldn't want to go to West Virginia."
Sounds like Jack Del Rio has seen the movie Deliverance one too many times.
"Seven, to be exact," replies the Jag leader.
At 6-4, both teams must win to remain firmly in the playoff hunt. Home field advantage means a lot in this contest, and that, along with the return of Moss, propels the Vikings to a 34-28 win.
Philadelphia @ New York Giants
With a win Sunday, the Eagles clinch their fourth straight NFC East crown. A loss, and the Eagles clinch their fourth-straight NFC East crown, just a week later.
"We want to drop the hammer down early against the Giants," says Donovan McNabb. "We want to clinch this thing quick, sip on the bubbly, and go home and watch Desperate Housewives. We noticed after the Monday Night Football fiasco with Terrell Owens, a black character just suddenly popped up on the show. What's up with that?"
I don't know, D-Mac. It may have something to do with the black-football-player-embracing-hot-white-chick demographic that ABC so desires for that 9:00-10:00 Sunday night slot.
In any case, the Eagles face a hungry Giants' squad, seething after three consecutive losses, and bent on avenging their opening day, 31-17 defeat by the Eagles.
"Of course we're hungry," an irritable Tom Coughlin explains. "Why shouldn't we still be hungry? We haven't abandoned ship yet. We're still in this playoff hunt. I don't know why people are so fast to write us off. We have the same record as the Rams, 5-5, and you don't hear anyone saying the Rams are out of the playoff hunt. It's frustrating. But again, we will keep fighting and we will stay hungry."
"Damn. These guys sure are hungry," notes Owens. "Donovan, call your momma and get these fools some Campbell's Chunky Soup."
The Giants come out fighting, but despite their status as the fourth-rated passing defense, they can not stop the Philly air threat. On defense, the blitzing Eagle defense is too much for Eli Manning to process despite a Saturday night cram session with brother, Peyton. McNabb throws three TD passes, one to Owens, who celebrates New York-style by taking a bite of a red apple, then spiking it.
Eagles win, 30-24.
San Diego @ Kansas City
"Chalk up that NFL Coach of the Year award to me," boasts Charger coach Marty Schottenheimer, "and hand over that Comeback Player of the Year to my quarterback, Drew Brees. And while you're at it, give my man at tight end, Antonio Gates, some trophy action for NFL Rookie of the Year."
"And go ahead and tack on a Pro Bowl invitation, too," boasts Gates. "No offense to Tony Gonzalez, but I'm the best tight end in the game. Like me, Tony played basketball in college; unlike me, he played football in college. I'm still brand new to this position. I understand there's a duty of tight end called blocking. As of now, I'm unfamiliar with that, but I'll learn how to do that after I master this touchdown catch thing. Have you noticed? I'm the best crossbar slam dunker in the game?"
Yes, I've noticed. I've also noticed that many pro football scouts are making trips to college gyms across the country to check out the 6-8, 260-pound forward/center who potentially could be the next tight end superstar in the game.
"They won't find him," adds Gates. "I'm one of a kind. I'm a freak."
In Kansas City, the year is officially shot. The Chiefs are 3-7, Priest Holmes is still hurt, and they still have no defense.
"But we are still in the position to play spoiler and knock someone out of the playoffs," says a smiling, optimistic Dick Vermeil.
"Awww. Spoiler! That's the word you don't want to hear from your coach," notes Trent Green. "But Coach Vermeil has that innate ability to motivate, usually by bawling his eyes out. I'm tearing up just thinking about it."
Vermeil does it again, turning on the tears to fire his team up. The Chiefs respond, especially Gonzalez, who, intent on re-establishing his dominant tight end status, posts 100 yards receiving and a touchdown, which he celebrates with a crossbar-shaking monster jam. Officials initially throw a flag and try to call a technical, but they have to pick up the flag when they realize it's not a violation.
Chiefs pulls the upset, 33-30.
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
The Panthers have won two-straight, thanks mostly to the play of wide receiver Muhsin Muhammad, who has scored five touchdowns in those two victories.
"I'm just a humble guy from Michigan," says Muhammad, "with a name straight out the Middle East. Allah Akbar, dog! Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah. In Arabic, the name Muhsin means 'charitable', so I will live by those words and deflect praise for myself and place it upon other, more deserving entities."
Okay, Muhsin, what other Panthers deserve any praise whatsoever?
"Panthers? No way, man," explains Muhammad. "I'm talking about Atlantic Coast Conference basketball. Wake Forest is number one in the nation, Duke is top 10, and North Carolina won the Maui Classic. But it looks like the Tar Heels fell victim to the Sports Illustrated curse, just like we did. They picked the Heels as preseason number one, and they lose their first game. SI picked us to make the NFC Championship Game, and look at us now: 3-7."
There's nothing like expert analysis, Muhsin.
The Bucs, on the other hand, are still in the playoff hunt, albeit as a long shot. At 4-6, Tampa would probably have to win five of its remaining six games, then hope for a miracle.
"And with Brian Griese playing as well as he has," comments Tampa coach Jon Gruden, "it looks like we've already experienced our miracle. We've just got to keep grinding and hope the teams ahead of us falter down the stretch."
At least this week, the Bucs do their part. Michael Pittman accounts for 150 total yards and Griese throws two TD passes.
Tampa wins, 25-17.
Tennessee @ Houston
"The matchup between the Titans and Texans always invokes an eerie feeling of 'deja vu,'" says Titans head coach Jeff Fisher. "For some reason, I'm picturing a helmet with an oil rig on it."
Seconds later, former Houston coach Bum Phillips pulls up in a convertible Cadillac, complete with Texas longhorn hood ornament. Out of the passenger seat pops former Houston coach Buddy Ryan, who takes a swing at Fisher and shouts, "Take that, Kevin Gilbride!"
"But I'm not Kevin Gilbride," Fisher screams. "I'm Jeff Fisher."
"In that case, please accept this No. 1 Oilers' jersey on my behalf," says former Oiler quarterback Warren Moon.
"And you can wear this padded flak-jacket underneath your Moon jersey," adds former Oiler quarterback Dan Pastorini.
"Is this all some kind of joke?" asks a befuddled Fisher.
"No, Jeff Fisher," shouts the NFL Network's Rich Eisen, emerging from a van with a bouquet of flowers, "you've just won the grand prize in the NFL Network's Throwback Weekend Sweepstakes! Congratulations!"
"But I didn't enter any sweepstakes."
"But you're a sucker," says Eisen. "Now place this tiara upon your head and take a bow."
Dom Capers' Texans are a youthful bunch. So youthful, in fact, that most of them don't even remember that the original Houston franchise was called the Oilers.
"And I'm sure they don't realize the Astros were formerly known as the Colt 45's," notes Capers.
"Wow, that's got to be the coolest name for a team in the history of sports!" says Texan wide receiver Andre Johnson. "Colt 45's. That brings quite a few memories rushing back to me, one of them being the time I answered the door when I was five, and there stood Billy Dee Williams with a six-pack of Colt 45. About two hours later, I saw him leave my Mom's bedroom. He gave me the 'thumbs up' and said 'Colt 45. Works every time.' About nine months later, I had a baby brother with some wicked curly hair."
What's even cooler than the name Colt 45's is the fact that your little brother's daddy is Lando Calrissian, the Star Wars original gangster. Awesome!
"What's Star Wars?" asks a clueless Johnson.
Never mind, Andre. You just go out there Sunday and catch yourself a touchdown pass.
"It's all good," replies Johnson.
Johnson does indeed snag a TD pass, and tacks on 98 yards receiving as the Texans slip by the Titans, 24-20.
Washington @ Pittsburgh
Steelers' quarterback and young buck Ben Roethlisberger moved his record to 9-0 as starter, and 20-0 counting his final year as starter at Miami of Ohio University.
"And I went to Miami of Florida," notes Redskin running back Clinton Portis. "You know, the Miami's of Ohio and Florida are collectively a recruiting powerhouse. A clearinghouse, if you will. All recruits for the Miami's juggernaut are analyzed and then assigned to the appropriate Miami. If a recruit has a drug problem, an attitude problem, or a police record, then he is shipped off to Miami of Florida. If the recruit is clean-cut, well-behaved, and free of menacing tendencies, then he's ready-made for Miami of Ohio. Incidentally, Miami of Florida gets all the good athletes. Sometimes, a guy like Roethlisberger slips through the cracks and is sent to Ohio."
Thanks for the info, Clinton.
This game should be a low-scoring affair, as Pittsburgh's defense ranks No. 1 in total defense, followed closely by Washington. The difference in the game will come from the offense, particularly Pittsburgh's, since the Redskins are devoid of offense. The Steelers will build a lead and force the Redskins to throw the ball, which can mean either of two outcomes: interceptions by the Steelers, or footballs with grass stains. With the lead, the Steelers will pound "The Bus" Jerome Bettis, while the "The Van" Duce Staley may see some action if his injured hamstring has healed. With the running game clicking, Ben Roethlisberger will be able to complete the occasional play-action pass or roll-out, and finish with a solid and efficient, yet unspectacular statistical line of 16-for-20, for 196 yards, and one touchdown.
"Wow!" exclaims Bill Cowher. "You just read my mind!"
No need to be amazed, Bill. I've read comic books before.
The Steelers physically outclass the Redskins, 27-10.
New Orleans @ Atlanta
Of all the interceptions thrown last Sunday, none was worse than Aaron Brooks' underhanded toss that landed right in the hands of Denver linebacker Al Wilson, who returned it seven yards for a touchdown.
"Come on, give me some credit," Brooks says. "I threw two other interceptions that were thrown over-handed, and my technique on those was flawless. Damn, I threw 60 passes! Can't a brother throw an interception every now and then?"
You know, there's this thing that some quarterbacks do when they can't find an open receiver.
"You're talking about throwing into triple coverage, right?" asks Brooks.
No, I'm referring to running with the ball. It's something your cousin, Michael Vick, is quite adept at. You know, he's on pace to rush for 1,000 yards and become the first quarterback to do so. Give it a try sometime.
The Falcons find themselves in solid playoff position.
"Playoffs!? Playoffs?! You're talking about playoffs?!" Mora yells. "Hey, I'm just joshing you, man. That was my impression of my dad. He gets pissed when I do that. Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, we're in perfect playoff position. We want to hold on to the No. 2 seed and hopefully, Philly will keep the No. 1 seed. I feel we have a better chance of beating the Eagles in Philly for the NFC title, since the last two NFC Champs won it in Philadelphia. So, if it comes down to it, we might have to lose on purpose."
And, it seems, the only way to lose to the Saints is on purpose. Vick should have his way with the Saints, whether he chooses to run, pass, skip, hop, break dance, crawl, backstroke, etc. Whatever his form of locomotion, he should be successful. The Saints will score; they just won't score when it counts most.
Falcons win, 31-23.
Baltimore @ New England
"This could very well be a preview of the AFC Championship Game in January," Ravens' coach Brian Billick announces to a pressroom full of reporters.
"How so?" asks one reporter.
"Come again?!" says another.
"Are you high?" asks yet another scribe.
"By 'preview', do you mean the Patriots will blast the Ravens as they will another opponent in the AFC Championship?" queries another.
"Laugh as you will," snickers Billick. "We will be in the AFC Championship game. At least, that's what I'm telling my players."
In response to Billick's statement, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick is typically reserved.
"If the Ravens want to pay us a visit come January," replies Belichick, "I go ahead and reserve my hotel room in Jacksonville for the Super Bowl. If he thinks he's going to beat me without Jamal Lewis and with Kyle Boller carrying the load, in the words from a classic metal band, 'You've Got Another Thing Comin'.'"
"How dare Belichick use Judas Priest's name in vain," yells Billick. "Two can play that game. After we beat the Pats on Sunday, Belichick will be 'Screamin' For Vengeance.'"
Okay, men, let's settle this on the field. Without Jamal Lewis, the Ravens must rely even more heavily on their defense. Of course, the Ravens' defense always keeps it close, but, with Tom Brady running the show, New England will do what's necessary to win.
"If that includes doing things that tie in nicely to a Judas Priest song, then that's what we'll do," adds Brady.
Ravens' quarterback wilts under the big game pressure, and has two costly turnovers.
Patriots win, 24-13.
Buffalo @ Seattle
"If you would have told me before the game that Drew Bledsoe would throw three touchdowns to the same person in one game," comments Bills' receiver Eric Moulds, "I would have guessed that it would have been a defensive back for the other team."
Moulds is referring to Bledsoe's three touchdown passes to tight end Mark Campbell last week against the Rams, which led the Bills to a 37-17 destruction of the Rams.
"Honestly, I couldn't pick Mark Campbell out of a police lineup," Bledsoe explains. "But, apparently, he was wearing a Bills' uniform and he was open, so I decided to throw to him."
Speaking of police lineup, Seahawks' wide receiver Koren Robinson's appeal of his four-game drug suspension was upheld by the league. Robinson's suspension begins Sunday, and he will be eligible to return on December 26th.
"I tried to advise Koren on how to appeal a drug suspension," explains Jerry Rice, who will assume Robinson's spot in the lineup. "But he totally misunderstood the word 'appeal.' He went into the meeting and 'appealed' to have his pot returned to him. What a dummy."
The Seahawks' earlier acquisition of Rice could prove to be a season saver.
"We need Jerry's veteran leadership to guide us through the stretch run," Seattle coach Mike Holmgren says. "Jerry brings a stabilizing force to an otherwise unruly set of dumbasses in our receiving corps. We expect Jerry to make big plays for us."
Rice doesn't catch a TD pass as he did last week, but his presence loosens coverage on Darrell Jackson, who catches a Trent Dilfer touchdown pass in the fourth quarter that gives the Seahawks the game-clinching points.
Seattle wins, 20-16.
Miami @ San Francisco
If only Joe Montana and Dan Marino could see the state of affairs in Miami and San Francisco, they would probably consider coming out of retirement, training for a day or two, and taking over the starting quarterback job the next.
"When I see Tim Rattay tarnishing the 49er quarterback legacy," says Montana, "it disgusts me. 147 yards passing in one game? Come on."
"I totally agree, Joe," replies Marino. "Look at these guys. Jay Fielder. A.J. Feeley. Bob Griese, Don Strock, and myself certainly won't allow these stooges into the Dolphin quarterbacking fraternity."
With both teams at 1-9, this is the Super Bowl for the first pick in the 2005 draft.
"It sure would be nice to have that pick," says 49er coach Dennis Erickson, "as well as picks two through seven. With those seven picks, we might be able to turn this team around."
In Miami, rumor has it that Ricky Williams will return to the team after serving a four-game drug suspension.
"That's just great," notes Miami interim coach Jim Bates. "Let's see. Ricky should return just in time to help us close the deal on a 2-14 record."
You know, if I had a nickel for every time the words "four-game drug suspension" were used, I'd be a rich man. But, in fact, it's the servers of four-game drug suspensions who are rich men. Do you hear me, Ricky Williams, Onterrio Smith, Jamal Lewis, Koren Robinson, et al?
Anyhow, the Miami defense, as it has all year, picks up the slack and provides the Dolphins any chance they have of winning. Three Tim Rattay interceptions lead to 13 Miami points.
The Dolphins win, 23-13.
New York Jets @ Arizona
Curtis Martin became only the second running back in history to start his career with 10-straight 1,000-yard rushing seasons, duplicating the feat of Detroit great Barry Sanders.
Using the ciphering skills exemplified by Jethro Bodean of The Beverly Hillbillies, I'd say you're approaching 10,000 yards for your career.
"And I'd say you're an idiot," Martin replies. "Ten multiplied by 1,000 is 10,000. Where'd you get your schooling, boy? UDA? The University of Dumb @ Ass?"
Yeah, and I graduated with honors, thank you very much.
Martin is nursing a bruised right knee, but will play Sunday. Jets' quarterback Chad Pennington was able to throw for the first time since straining his right rotator cuff three weeks ago.
"That's some darn good news," beams Jets' coach Herman Edward. "Chad throwing means Quincy Carter sitting, and thats the first step to getting this team healthy and ready to make a serious playoff run. When it all comes together for the Jets, we'll be stepping large and laughing easy."
New York will face a tough Cardinals team that is 3-1 at home, with the sole loss coming at the hands of the Patriots. The Arizona defense keeps it close, but mistakes down the stretch by Cardinal quarterback Shaun King will spell their downfall. Martin splits time with Lamont Jordan and together, they combine for 130 yards rushing and two touchdowns.
The Jets win 20-9 and solidify their wildcard playoff hopes.
Oakland @ Denver
Former Raider and Bronco linebacker Bill Romanowski is invited to Invesco Field at Mile High to serve as honorary coin tosser for one of the most heated rivalries in sports. Romanowski is at first reluctant to miss a day at work in his booming sports supplement business, but when the Broncos and Denver Nuggets collectively offer Carmelo Anthony to carry his bags, Romanowski cannot refuse the offer. Anthony meets the former Bronco and Raider at the airport gate, and unwittingly carries a duffle bag full of illegal supplements through the airport and into an awaiting taxi.
Romanowski never makes it to the game, as he is arrested after an innocent loogie spit out of the taxi window splats the windshield of a Denver traffic cop. Romanowski, however, is later released from the station after signing a few autographs and prescribing some painkilling medication to a few horses on the Denver horseback patrol squad.
Once the game starts, it's Denver all the way. Reuben Droughns drilled the Raiders in week six with 176 yards on 38 carries and a touchdown. After that game, Droughns and Raider Warren Sapp exchanged smack, with Sapp later calling Droughns a "young punk."
"Warren's earned the right to talk all the junk he wants," says Droughn, "and he'll be given every opportunity to talk some more this Sunday. Just like last time, we plan on running right at that old fart, so if he wants to talk, he better use words of the one-syllable variety, because I'm going around, through, or over him real quick."
Droughns is a young punk of his word, and he indeed does run all over the Raiders. Droughns rushes for 150 yards and a touchdown as the Broncos cruise 31-9, and await next week's AFC West showdown at San Diego.
St. Louis @ Green Bay
The mystery that is the St. Louis Rams continues to stupefy everyone, but the person most shocked by his team's play in the coach himself, Mike Martz. Like the character Lenny in the movie Memento, Martz should have a word tattooed somewhere on his body as a reminder, preferably in the most painful area possible.
"Great idea, man," says Martz. "I think I'll have the word 'genius' tattooed across my abdomen, to give me kind of a Tupac Shakur look."
Wow, Mike, hearing the names 'Mike Martz' and 'Tupac Shakur' in the same sentence is like hearing the names "Florence Henderson" and "Jenna Jameson" in the same sentence. They don't fit, unless you're Greg Brady of The Brady Bunch, then it's probably a huge turn-on. Anyway, the word you should have tattooed on you is "accountabilty."
"Accountability?" asks Martz. "Are you saying I don't accept responsibility for my actions?"
That's exactly what I'm saying, you tool. You always have an excuse why the Rams lose, and it never has anything to do with you. Last week, in your 37-17 loss to the Bills, you blamed it on poor special teams play.
"Don't forget," adds Martz, "I also blamed it on some cheap shots by the Bills."
Yeah, I was getting there, Mike. That's about as close as you've ever come to giving another team credit. The simple fact that you lost to the Bills speaks volumes about you and your players. The Rams are supposedly playoff contenders, but contenders shouldn't lose to the Bills, much less by 20 points. I'll do you a favor and give you an excuse why the Rams will lose Monday night: it will be Brett Favre's 200th consecutive start, and, with a national television audience watching the Packers at Lambeau Field, the Rams have no chance. That's just one excuse.
"Here are some more," continues Brett Favre. "I'm Brett Favre. Your quarterback is Marc Bulger. I've got more hardware in my trophy case than Bulger does in his tool shed. And, oh yeah, Martz, I don't know if you realize this, but the game's in Green Bay. And we won't have the heat on."
"Green Bay? Dang it, I thought we were at home!" screams Martz. "Let me go find someone to blame my incompetence on yet again."
Martz ends up peering into his Magic Mirror, incessantly asking it "Who's the fairest of them all?"
"Dad gumit, Martz," replies the Magic Mirror. "For the last time, Snow White is a better football coach than you!"
In their five losses, the Rams have surrendered 28 or more points. In their sixth loss, they give up 34 to the Packers. Favre throws four touchdown passes, and Green Bay continues their push to the NFC North title. Packers win, 34-24.
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