NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 12 (Pt. 1)

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Indianapolis @ Detroit

Peyton Manning can't help but admire the Thanksgiving spread before him: the Detroit Lions' defense.

"Mmmm. Mmmm. Delicious!" Manning exclaims. "I can taste victory already, and I think I detect the distinct aroma of burned Detroit Lions' secondary. "

Manning is, however, overcome by an uneasy feeling when he sees Indiana Pacers Ron Artest, Jermaine O'Neal, and Stephen Jackson roaming the Colts' sideline wearing "Security" jackets and wielding billy clubs.

Manning shrugs off his uneasiness temporarily, intent on completing his task at hand.

"That's breaking Dan Marino's single-season touchdown record," adds Manning. "Fourteen more to go, Danny, and the record is mine. I bet you're sweating in your Isotoners."

Manning's feeling of dread returns when he heads to the sideline after a touchdown pass to Marvin Harrison. Behind the bench, Manning notices Artest, Jackson, and O'Neal viewing a video tape on a sideline monitor titled "The Hell's Angels' Guide to Event Security: Friendly Usage of Pool Cues, Brass Knuckles, and Knives."

"Damn, that's scary," Manning observes. "I can't believe that whole brawl started because Ben Wallace accused Artest of stealing a sample from Wallace's rap album Yo! Bum Rush the 'Fro. All of this will just put a damper on the fact that two great rap albums from NBA stars will be hitting the airwaves soon."

Manning then casually tosses a cup of Gatorade over his shoulder, innocently splashing Artest, who was lying on the training table boning up on his anger management skills from a self-help book by Yosemite Sam. Mayhem ensues, as the suspended Pacer charges the stands, followed by his posse. Manning and the Colts are oblivious to the carnage in the stands, and continue their methodical destruction of the Lions. Manning finishes with four TDs, pushing his total to 39. The Colts defense plays well for the third-straight game, forcing four turnovers.

Colts win, 35-14.

Artest, Jackson, and O'Neal have their suspensions amended to include banishment from all sporting events, rap concerts, and The Source Music Awards.

Chicago @ Dallas

The Bears and Cowboys were blasted last week by 31 and 20 points by the Colts and Ravens, respectively, which can mean only one thing: disrespect.

"It hurts to see two teams of which I have such fond memories reduced to such pathetic rubble," explains Bear and Cowboy great Mike Ditka. "That's why it's a good thing to have a tablet of Levitra on hand. I drop one of these pills and immediately, everything is looking up. I won't even think about football for the next 36 hours. However, it would be nice to find me a lady friend with whom to spend those cherished hours. That's where my colleague on the 'Open Mike' segment of ESPN's Monday Night Countdown comes in handy."

Ditka then removes a genie lamp from his coat jacket, applies a brisk rubbing, and out pops Michael Irvin, who, with a snap of his fingers and a wink of his eye, supplies Ditka with a harem of beauties.

"I'm happy for Mike," adds Bill Parcells, "and I wish I could ditch my team and join the Levitra lovefest. But I haven't yet given up on my Cowboys, although I'm dangerously close."

Indeed, Parcells has become increasingly frustrated with the play of his defense, although no one on the team has escaped culpability.

"Vinny Testaverde has really dropped the ball as of late," Parcells explains. "Literally and figuratively. Interceptions, overthrows, bad decisions ... aww, who am I kidding? Have you seen the Mavericks' new jerseys designed by that P. Diddly fellow? Awful! Just awful! I can't coach in a town where the basketball team wears uniforms that look like something out of The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh movie. I quit!"

Moments later, Parcells returns, and says, "Just kidding! I wanted to see Jerry Jones squirm."

Well, Bill, you're in luck, because the wormy Jones is always squirming. And Parcells will keep him squirming, but will return next season to coach the Cowboys.

And, despite consuming an entire turkey at lunch and napping through the first half, Parcells awakens in time to lead the Cowboys to a 20-17 comeback win over the Bears. Julius Jones rushes for 96 yards and a touchdown.

Parcells then finds Ditka and the two legends talk football for 24 hours, oblivious the half-naked, gorgeous harem girls in sheer fabric dancing around them.

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