The Owens/Lewis Debates

Human history is a series of great debates.

Is there a God? Nature vs. nurture? Is the Universe composed of many galaxies like our own, which has been identified as a "spiral nebulae," or are "spiral nebulae" just nearby gas clouds and the Universe is actually composed of only one big Galaxy?

Oh, and of course: "Ginger" or "Mary-Ann."

Lately, two of our most lauded orators of social palaver have added another vital issue to our cacophony of Great Debates:

"Why ya gotta hate on T.O., when Ray-Ray damn near killed two folks?"

Philadelphia Eagles receiver Terrell Owens flamboyantly mocked Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis' celebratory "squirrel dance" after a fourth-quarter touchdown in the teams' game last month. (Not quite sure where the term "squirrel dance" originated, although I imagine it's from the same great mind that coined "Dirty Bird" and the "Icky Shuffle.") The Philly crowd loved it. The Eagles loved it. Even Deion Sanders gave it props.

Ray Lewis ... not so much a fan of it.

"If you're going to play football, don't be a coward and wait until you make one play and do something. Just play football," he said.

Round 1: Owens. Is Ray saying that the issue isn't the "squirrel dance" per se, but when the "squirrel dance" is unleashed? Would T.O. have been in the clear had he simply produced a little squirrel action after dropping a five-yard quick out from McNabb in the first quarter?

Lewis continued: "His celebration doesn't mean anything. What's flattering is that he has me on his mind when he's playing at home. If anything, I thought a woman would do that. There's something wrong with that."

Round 2: Lewis. A double-whammy. First is the accurate accusation that Owens is more concerned with whom to mock and how to dance after a touchdown than with anything else football related. I'm sorry, but if you've done more prop comedy in the end zone than Carrot Top, your mind isn't on blocking for Dorsey Levens.

Second ... he basically called T.O. a bitch. Which is sweet justice, because Owens has made a name for himself by calling one of his former teammates a homo. Check that: for calling one of the toughest S.O.B.'s currently playing quarterback in the NFL, and a player who happens to be banging a string of Playmates and models, a homo. And doing so when he has pictures like this on his own official website?

Now that's the pot calling the kettle fag, isn't it?

Owens struck back the only way a player getting a verbal smackdown from Ray Lewis can: by singing the murder rap.

"I've never had any off-field problems. I've wanted to say it for a long time, but since Joey put it out there, you have a guy like Ray Lewis, who I thought was pretty much my friend. This is a guy, double-murder case, and he could have been in jail, but it seems like the league embraces a guy like that. I'm going out scoring touchdowns and having fun, but I'm the bad guy. So I don't understand it, I really don't.

Round 3: Owens. The "Joey" in question is Joey Porter of the Pittsburgh Steelers, an old enemy of Lewis' who took T.O.'s side in the Great Squirrel Dance Debate. Porter said the media makes Owens out to be the bad guy, even though "this guy [Lewis] just comes off a murder case and he comes back dancing and goes to the Super Bowl and you love every minute about it. He gets a four-minute introduction when he comes out. They absolutely go crazy for it. He makes a tackle, he dances every play, and you guys love it."

This is where the debate gets a little murky. The media jumped on Owens for bringing up Lewis' infamous brush with the law, in which he pled guilty to misdemeanor obstruction of justice and testified against two friends accused in a double-murder at an Atlanta nightclub in 2000.

Only it wasn't Owens who brought it up; it was Porter. And even if it was Owens, he'd still be right. The entire debate at this point is about character. Not ability, not dedication to the game. Character. Quick, what sullies the reputation of the league more: being implicated in a double-murder, or taking a pen out of your sock to sign a football during a game? How about this: facing significant jail time after being linked to a pair of corpses, or grabbing some pom-poms and shaking them after a touchdown?

Are we supposed to pretend Lewis' reputation wasn't permanently tarnished by his murder trial? Does making the cover of Madden 2005 absolve you of your sins? (If so, I'd starting sending Big John some fan mail if I were Rae Carruth).

Remember, just because you weren't convicted of the crime that you were on trial for doesn't mean the NFL community should embrace you.

Or am I the only one who's seen more of O.J. Simpson in "Naked Gun" reruns than on football Sundays?

After the double-murder was entered into the debate, Lewis climbed up on his cross, got out the nails and hammered away. Try as I might, I couldn't find the transcript from Ray's interview with ESPN in which he addressed Owen's tomfoolery. But I remember hearing it, and it went something like this:

"Blah blah blah it don't hurt Ray Lewis, it only makes him stronger blah blah blah rise like a phoenix blah blah blah can't keep me down, because I'm gonna rise up higher than the morning sun blah blah blah blah something something something blah."

Round 4: Lewis. Despite his incoherent blabbing about overcoming adversity, you have to hand it to Ray-Ray. Here's the most feared defensive player in football -- a guy who will take your friggin' head off and then use it as a disco ball -- successfully coming off as a victim, all because Owens pointed out the obvious. Does Lewis do a stupid little dance to celebrate? Yes. Was he implicated in a double-murder? Yes. Does the NFL treat him better than Owens, who by any standard is a good citizen off the field? If not better, than at least as well.

This exchange reminds me of another debate, one between President Bush and Sen. Kerry. Remember when Kerry mentioned Dick Cheney's gay daughter? And Cheney was all, "Oh no, you dit-ent" and Lynn Cheney was all "oh yes, he did" and John Kerry was all "but she's been out for years and has been actively courting the gay vote for you" and the media was all "OH NO, HE DIT-ENT!!!"?

Feigning offense: the debater's best friend.

Lewis' comments led to Owens lowering his guns and looking for a hug. "I talked to Ray the other day and I apologized to him. I told him that I owed it to him."

The mea culpa was over the murder case comments, for which T.O. blamed the media and perhaps his invisible friend Harvey: "If you look at the transcript of what I said -- get the whole story -- that's not me. That's not my character to take personal shots."

(Uh, I'm pretty sure there's a guy playing quarterback in Cleveland who might disagree with that last part.)

Round 5: Lewis. Owens came off like a puss at the end of this debate. There wasn't anything he said about Lewis or did on the field that he should apologize for. Yet here he is, with the media on his case, kissing the cleats of Ray Lewis. Pathetic. Next time you grab those pom-poms, Terrell, make sure you're wearing the matching skirt.

Winner: Ray Lewis. By default. Owens should have cleaned his clock, but that would have required some spine that T.O. obviously doesn't possess.

Still, give Terrell this: he's got balls.

I sure as hell wouldn't do the "squirrel dance" to mock someone who could freakin' kill me.

Or at least might know some guys that'd do it for him.

Random Thoughts

"After the album comes out, I'm going to make sure all of my time is focused on winning a championship." -- Ron Artest, Indiana Pacers

If there's a more symbolic quotation regarding the NBA's steady descent from the most successful league this side of the NFL to a boring waste-of-time-until-the-playoffs collection of pseudo-stars, please point it out to me...

Hard liquor ads for NASCAR? Yep. NASCAR President Mike Helton told the Washington Post that, among other things, racing fans and other Americans "increasingly view alcohol as part of everyday life and no longer draw a stark distinction between beer and distilled spirits."

If this is the attitude down in the Red States, I just had about 40 million votes explained to me.

Seriously, does Helton really believe that majority of Americans think "let's grab a beer after work" is easily swapped with "let's grab a Wild Turkey on the rocks after work?" Do we go to the corner store and compare the price of a sixer of Miller Lite and a liter of Cuervo?

All I know is this: my first DUI (and judging from my genes, it's bound to happen sometime), I'm playing the "But I Was Just Trying to Emulate the No. 14 Jim Beam Car, Officer" card...

It's impossible to know what it's like to wake up and find out that Quincy Carter is your starting quarterback ... until it happens to you...

Charlotte Bobcats fans who were calling an incorrectly-listed toll-free number in the Bell South White Pages ended up being connected with a sex chat line instead of the team's box office.

Which is odd, really, because NBA fans usually feel like they've been screwed after they purchase their tickets...

The New Orleans Saints are planning to unveil their latest proposal to the Louisiana Legislature in order to secure funding for a stadium upgrade. Their goal is to renovate the Superdome into a state-of-the-art facility they will be proud to suck in for years to come...

IMDB.com reports that religious conservative groups are planning against protests against Fox Searchlight's film, "Kinsey," about pioneering sex researcher Alfred Kinsey. In fact, Robert Knight of Concerned Women of America argued that the film "lionized" someone whom belongs in the same breath as Nazi Dr. Josef Mengele.

Two questions about this controversy:

1. What the hell is a man doing speaking on behalf of the Concerned Women of America? Isn't that like me speaking on behalf of the Black Panther Party?

2. Is anyone surprised that a film about Kinsey would attract a bunch of jerk-offs?

Jim Bates has replaced Dave Wannstedt as head coach of the Miami Dolphins. Bates, a longtime NFL assistant, has actually only had two head coaching jobs in his career: the San Antonio Gunslingers of the USFL and Sevier County High School in Tennessee. The former should have given Bates some insight into the inner workings of a pro team; the latter should have given him ample experience working with the JV, something vital for any 2004 Dolphins coach...

And finally...

"Has anyone here taken a thriving sport, pissed all over its history, disregarded what its paying customers wanted to see, failed to successfully market it to the point where "Moesha" reruns on UPN get better ratings, and currently has it stranded in a labor quagmire that could stretch into the next decade, all the while acting like a Napoleonic little prick whose only redeeming quality is that one day he'll stop breathing?"

Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].