Down Year For the Dukies?

For the first time in what seems like an eternity, Duke is not the favorite to win the ACC. Duke isn't even ranked in the top five of any preseason polls ... not even in Dick Vitale's! And right now, there are three other ACC teams ranked ahead of them (Wake Forest, North Carolina, and Georgia Tech).

Of course, what does any of that mean? Early season prognostications! They would actually mean something if there wasn't a tournament at the end of the season, like say, college football.

But since this sport is decided on the floor, I thought I would I sit down with a Dukie to got some non-expert perspective of what the ACC will be like without the Blue Devils being the class of the conference. And for anonymity sake, let's just refer to her as Sam Marrin of Queens for short.

So Samantha, did you attend Duke University?
I always wanted to go, but no I did not.

Grades weren't good enough?
Um, probably not. I didn't apply ... I wanted to play basketball in college, and I knew I wasn't good enough to play there, so I went to-

Great. Nobody cares.
What?

Nothing. I was just clearing my throat. When did you begin your infatuation with Duke basketball?
When I was a little ... I really liked Christian Laettner, if you know what I mean.

Right ... by the way you are motioning your eyes, I take it to mean you wanted to have sex with him.
Yeah.

This is print, baby, my readers can't tell anything by your body inferences.
Okay, I'll do better. I promise.

I know you will. Did Duke always have the best looking basketball players?
Um, I think so. Gonzaga has had some real hotties recently, but for the most part, Duke takes the cake.

Do you think there is any correlation between how hot a college hoops player is and their ability?
Sure. Look at Emeka Okafor. He's beautiful, and he was the No. 1 pick, and Connecticut won the national title last year.

So by your rational, do you think Duke will be good this year?
I always think Duke will be awesome, but not as awesome as they have been in years past.

Because they don't have as good of looking teams as in year's past.
Right, like Sheldon Williams. He's gross ... but J.J. Redick is cute.

He is. What about me?
Oh, you're hot, Piet.

Thank god, I thought your standards were slipping a bit. Where do you see Duke winding up this year?
Well, (Georgia) Tech is good. I mean B.J. Elder and Will Bynum are both dreamy.

And they're pretty good, too.
Exactly. And that Isma'il Muhammad, man is he an awesome jumper. He is the best dunker on the planet!

Plus Jarret Jack and Luke Schenscher are coming back from a team that went to the finals last season.
Yeah, they're okay ... Wake (Forest) is also awesome from what I've been told.

You didn't see them play last year?
Well, I was drunk for a lot of their games, especially the game when they beat Duke. I blacked out that night, thank god!

You got real drunk to forget the Duke loss?
Well, yes and no. I got set up on this blind date with this guy who wound up standing me up -- turns out he went to North Carolina ... figures.

The Tar Heels could really tear it up this-
Wait, there's more to the story. So I get this e-mail from my friend about six months later who I hadn't heard from in a year, saying she's getting married. And I go to the engagement party and it turns out her fiancé is the guy who stood me up!

He stood you up because he was with his future fiancé, that makes sense.
No, he hadn't met her then. But, he did feel bad, and set me up with his brother, who also went to North Carolina.

Did his he stand you up, too?
Unfortunately, no. He did show, drank two bottles of wine by himself, then puked in the bathroom for 15 minutes and came out and tried to kiss me goodnight. Yuck!

Fascinating love life. The brothers aside, North Carolina is supposed to be awesome.
I think they will win it all.

Would that be tough to stomach for someone who loves Duke as much as you?
Definitely. I mean, it would be nice to see Roy Williams finally win one, but I hate them so much. (Rashad) McCants, (Sean) May, and (Raymond) Felton are just so tough, and they've been there for a while, so I think they are the team to beat this year.

What about Williams' old team, Kansas?
Man, they are talented. Wayne Simien, although he isn't that good-looking, is just so good down low. And (Keith) Langford and (Aaron) Miles, they are awesome. But their coach is the problem.

Bill Self? You don't think he's handsome?
No, he's attractive in a regal and distinguished sort of way ... but it's the opposite in coaching. Look at Bobby Knight and Mike Krzyzewski, they're not hot, but awesome coaches. Quinn Snyder and Bill Self on the other hand, let's just say they're more Dr. Jack Wagner than they are Dr. Jack Ramsey.

I appreciate your candor. Thanks, sweetie.
Anytime.

Sam Marrin, ladies and gentlemen ... Just remember, the 9:30 show is completely different from the 7:30.