As a die-hard hockey fan, I have a nose for irrelevance.
And the NBA has the stink of inconsequence all over it this season.
Sure, we'll all be glued to our televisions for Shaquille O'Neal, for Kobe Bryant, for Shaq vs. Kobe, and Kobe vs. Shaq. (And Shaq vs. waistline and Kobe vs. civil suit.) We'll watch the Spurs when they play the Pistons, and the Pistons when they play anyone else (if we're looking for the basketball equivalent of NyQuil, that is).
The problem with the NBA is the same problem Major League Baseball is facing: a staggeringly long and pointless regular season with too few stars to sustain fan interest.
Ten years ago, this was not the problem. We had Michael Jordan's Bulls, Isiah Thomas and the Pistons, Charles Barkley in Philly, Patrick Ewing in New York, and Dominique Wilkins in Atlanta. And that was just the Eastern Conference; over in the West were Magic Johnson, Karl Malone, David Robinson, Hakeem Olajuwon, and Clyde Drexler, to name a few. Today's stars aren't of the same caliber or character.
The NBA debuted this week to (relatively) little fanfare. Since the NHL isn't coming back any time soon, my only arena fix is going to be through the 'ole roundball; so, I figured I should learn a thing or two about the NBA this season.
And so should you...
Eight Important Questions About the '04-'05 NBA Season
1. What will be Rudy Tomjanovich's biggest challenge as coach of the Lakers?
A. Squelching the undeniable urge to ask Dyan Cannon out for drinks after home games.
B. Running interference between Kobe and the female hotel clerks on the road.
C. Boning up on his Eastern European history in order to mediate arguments between Vlade Divac and Stanislav Medvedenko.
D. Coming up with a way to make Los Angeles fans forget about a 7-foot-1, 340-pound man named "Shaquille."
2. What's the worst part about Shaquille O'Neal joining the Miami Heat?
A. When the first collaboration between Diesel and Gloria Estafan hits national radio.
B. Fans are left counting down the days until the inevitable falling out between Shaq and Dwyane Wade.
C. Rony Seikaly is now at least the third best center in team history.
D. Two words "South Beach." Two more: "Shaq Thong."
3. The biggest explosion in the NBA this season will be:
A. The number of fouls called following David Stern's mandate that officials call games more aggressively.
B. Allen Iverson, the first time new 76ers coach Jim O'Brien sits him down for a heart-to-heart about the importance of practice.
C. Dog-fighting amongst pot-smoking 23-year-olds named Qyntel.
D. Alonzo Mourning's kidney around the 10th game of the season.
4. Which of the following is not a member of the Toronto Raptors this season?
A. Michael Curry
B. Matt Bonner
C. Roger Mason, Jr.
D. Milt Palacio
(Ed. note: Not so easy, is it?)
5. Latrell Sprewell recently softened his stance in regards to a "pay me or trade me" demand of the Minnesota Timberwolves, saying: "The stuff I'm going through is minute compared to a lot of things people go through on a daily basis." Which of these common folk "things" leaves Spre most in awe?
A. The ability of people to honor their contracts.
B. The ability of people to avoid choking their bosses in practice.
C. The ability of people to actually reach their potential in their given profession.
D. The ability of people to accept living in Kevin Garnett's shadow.
6. The Nets received which the following from the Denver Nuggets for all-star forward Kenyon Martin?
A. A copy of the book, "How to Dismantle a Franchise Before Relocating it to Brooklyn."
B. A few extra consonants for point guard Zoran Planinic.
C. A case of Coors Lite, the coldest-tasting beer on the planet.
D. The rights to Joe Barry Carroll.
7. In their first season in the NBA, the Charlotte Bobcats will:
A. Break the 1972-73 Sixers' mark of 9-73 as the worst team in NBA history.
B. Prove to the world the Primoz Brezec is the name of a post player and not a pill for psychotic asthmatics.
C. Electrify a city whose apathy already cost it one franchise.
D. Leave fans looking to the Carolina Panthers for winning performances this winter.
8. Finally, what will be the biggest disaster for the Houston Rockets this season?
A. Tracy McGrady shakes accusations that he was selfish or lazy while with Orlando by being both selfish and lazy with the Rockets.
B. Jeff Van Gundy leaves the team midseason to chase the hobbit that stole his "preciousssssssss."
C. Japan's Yuta Tabuse overtakes Yao Ming as the NBA's great yellow hope.
D. Having to play St. Louis in a Game 7. (Oops ... wrong Houston Rocket).
(Answers: 1. D. 2. ... aw, what's the point? If they don't even bother counting all the votes before ending the election, why score all eight of these, right?)
Hey, Look, a Tasteless Joke
Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson said he'd like to spank FOX sideline reporter Pam Oliver with a ruler because she (allegedly) reported an incorrect story about him.
Oliver shot back, saying if Keyshawn tried to spank her, "I will punch him in the face."
Luckily, ESPN's Jim Gray has decided to add some perspective as a veteran sideline reporter.
He said not only would he let Keyshawn spank him, but also punch him in the face while doing so.
We Get Love (and Hate) Mail
"Just wanted to say that it was gold. You hit home on so many things. Very funny stuff. But also with a lot of good points about the Sox and the slanted media coverage. The Cards/Astros series was treated like crap. I know I was thinking it.
Loved the pic of the Celts. A sad tale for sure.
Your style works. Nice job!"
Derek
My only question is who will have flaunted their victory more by year's end: Red Sox fans or Republicans?
"I am a teenage girl writing to you about your article 'No Football, Ladies.' I am an avid Cheesehead, and I also love football in general. I am considering a variety of career options, and because of my love of football, sports broadcasting is one of them. Men who love football have been given the privilege of being a broadcaster; why shouldn't that privilege be given to women, as well?"
Roxanna Billington
It has nothing to do with privilege. There are plenty of women in sports broadcasting that rival or better their male counterparts; in the print media, some of my must-read columnists every week happen to be female.
But, as I wrote in the column you referenced, football is a special case. It's purely an aesthetic rationale, not one based on the knowledge or abilities of female sports broadcasters. Think of it as nothing more than a role in a play. I'm sure any of a dozen actresses could pull off "Death of a Salesman"; it's just that I'd rather see some sad-sack fella like Dustin Hoffman or William H. Macy play Willy Loman. Because as good as a woman is in the role, her casting changes the overall feel of the work. It's not fair, but it's fact.
All that being said: prove me wrong. Hopefully, I'll be listening to you in 10 years do a Jets/Dolphins game, and I'll realize what a prick I was.
And Now, For This Political Announcement
I try and keep as much of the political soapbox stuff out of here as I can. But allow me this moment to say something about my party, the Democratic Party.
You gotta stand for something.
Even I, as a Kerry supporter, would cringe when my candidate would try to finesse an issue in a way where it would appeal to two dozen different kinds of voters. His opponents incorrectly labeled this exercise as a "flip-flop," but in a way it was worse than that. Flip-flopping would mean taking two distinct sides of an issue; Kerry, and other Democrats, simply slice up the issue with a Ginzu and then hope the pieces will fit together to form a coherent position ... which they never do.
It's like that old Saturday Night Live skit where the couple is arguing over whether something is either a dessert topic or a floor wax. The Democrats are the ones who jump in and say, "It's both!"
Democrats are a little too much like the NHL right now. They want to be everything to everyone, and in the process, they've alienated the people who have supported them for decades. Say what you will about Howard Dean and Michael Moore, but they energized the base in a way it hadn't been for a decade. In turn, the national party began to understand that it might be okay if there was actually an opposition party, and not just Republican-lites running against full-fledged Republicans.
So just come out and say what you mean. Stop pandering to the pundits who claim to know what the message needs to be to get the "undecideds." They're the same knuckleheads who watch hockey every four years in the Olympics and then tell the NHL to ban fighting: they have no concept of what the sport is and what it means to the fans. Yet league officials will bastardize the league for them, because they think these "undecided" fans will watch hockey if the sport resembled the image the non-hockey media put forth. You can't convert those who are unwilling to be converted; if you try, to just end up diminishing yourself.
Bush won re-election for a number of reasons. One of the biggest was his ability to stick to his beliefs. I heard more than one Bush supporter leave the polling place and say that the President has strong convictions, whether he's right or wrong. The only way to combat that is to be just as steadfast, just as dedicated...
...and to be right, of course.
Had Kerry and the Democrats showed a little more spine when it counted (the march to war, for example), perhaps voters on the fence would have been swayed. But who knows ... maybe the gay bashing thing was a juggernaut that the Democrats couldn't overcome no matter what they said or did.
I will end with this picture of John Kerry. I like it because I think his legs look about three stories high, and because this is as close to hockey as I'm going to get this year:
Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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