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November 30, 2004

Confessions of a Notre Dame Fan

The Fighting Irish took the ball on their own eight-yard line. Against all odds, they marched 92 yards down the field and scored to take a 7-0 lead against the top-ranked USC Trojans. I thought that Notre Dame had another monumental upset in them. I thought the Irish could use the huge win as a building block to getting their program back to where it used to be. I thought that Notre Dame had turned a corner. The thing I was most certain of, however, was that that would not be the last time the Irish would cross the USC goal line.

I was wrong.

This was a big game for the entire Notre Dame nation. A win would turn an inconsistent year into a decent season. A win would finally show some progress for the program and would help recruiting efforts. A win would take some of the heat off of head coach Tyrone Willingham. A win would ease the pain of terrible losses to BYU and to Pitt and Boston College at home. Instead, I sat in front of a computer screen at 2 AM trying to make sense of what has happened to the fallen giant of college football and wondering if the Golden Dome could ever shine as brightly as it did while Lou Holtz was calling the shots.

After the Michigan win, I wrote the following about the victory in a column:

"Hopefully, this game will help quell the abundance of the asinine 'fire Willingham' talk. Notre Dame fans need to realize that Willingham can, and will, bring ND back into the spotlight." - Sept. 14

I never expected it to be this spotlight. I never expected Willingham, who was a huge success in his first year at ND, would bring the Irish into the spotlight for his third-straight embarrassing loss to our archrival. I never thought I would have to take watching ESPN's "College GameDay" and see signs like "Rudy would start at ND" and "O.J. Simspon says to kill the Irish" held up by fans. The once proud football giant had been reduced to a punch line.

As a Notre Dame fan, I have had my share of low points recently, but nothing hurt as bad as this loss. Nothing hurt as bad as one play towards the end of the fourth quarter. With ND losing 34-10, USC was set to punt on fourth down. The Trojans faked it, late in the fourth quarter, winning by 24. If you didn't catch the game, I'm not going to tell you what happened, but I will tell you that Matt Leinart threw a touchdown pass for USC on the very next play.

For the first time I can ever remember, I had to turn off a Notre Dame game because we were getting beaten worse than Liza Minelli's bodyguard. It hurts to routinely be embarrassed by your team's biggest rival and to know that there is nothing you can do about it. This must be what Mack Brown feels like every year.

After that big win against Michigan, I wrote:

"I know that this is still one game, but I think it will be the first step of Notre Dame returning to glory. Either way, it is still too early to tell how Willingham's era will turn out." - Sept. 14

I wish it was still too early to tell, but it's clear how Willingham's era is going to go. Nothing has changed from year one to year three, in almost any aspect. Most fans are clamoring for Willingham to be fired this summer and some are boycotting Notre Dame football and withholding donations to the school until a coaching change is made. It is official; the team is in its worst period in over 30 years. Willingham is making Gerry Faust look like Knute Rockne.

I like Tyrone Willingham and I really wanted him to succeed. He is a great person and a good coach, but his time at Notre Dame has been wasted. Notre Dame faces a public relations nightmare if they do fire him after this season as Willingham is the first African-American coach at Notre Dame and one of only a handful currently coaching at Division 1 schools. Despite the inevitable backlash, it might be for the best if Willingham and Notre Dame parted ways after this season.

The only situation I can compare it to is a forest fire. The fire burns the forest to the ground in order to rebuild it from scratch. Ultimately, the forest returns to its state of grandeur. Smoky Bear said, rather convincingly, I might add, that I am the only one who can prevent forest fires. However, in this case, it might be best if I just get the marshmallows instead.

Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].

Posted by Mark Chalifoux at 7:23 PM | Comments (0)

NFL Week 12 Power Rankings

Five Quick Hits

* There's no substitute for football in the snow. Seeing the white field in Denver was like getting my presents a month early.

* Best football moment from the holiday: Dallas DB Terence Newman intercepting a pass, then giving the ball to a little girl in the stands.

* Second-best: six-way tie involving Peyton Manning.

* I really liked Jim Nantz in the studio, but he's been a disaster in the broadcast booth.

* I complain about television all the time, so here's something positive: eBay commercials. They're sweet.

Rather than asking whether Brett Favre's 200 consecutive games started is a streak as impressive as Cal Ripken's, the question should be whether Favre's streak is as impressive as Jim Marshall's. ESPN would love for you to forget that Marshall, a Pro Bowl defensive end with the Vikings, holds the NFL record for consecutive games played.

Favre is probably as tough as anyone in the NFL today. His streak is very impressive, and through it all, Favre has played at an exceptionally high level. His mark of 200 consecutive starts -- and counting -- may never be matched by another quarterback. But Marshall's streak is unlikely to be matched by anyone.

He played in 282 consecutive games over 21 seasons with the Browns and Vikings. Add 20 playoff games, and that number rises to over 300. It's also worth noting that defensive ends hit someone on every play; Favre, in contrast, has been sacked fewer times than any other starting QB this season. And Marshall weighed only 235 pounds, so he took a beating on the line. Hall of Fame coach Bud Grant called Marshall "a physiological impossibility." Marshall played while recovering from (among others) pneumonia, a shotgun wound, and ulcers so severe he was hospitalized for treatment.

Brett Favre is one of the truly good guys in pro sports. He's a cinch Hall of Famer, an iron man, a joy to watch, and by all accounts, a genuinely nice person. But his streak is overblown, and it doesn't come close to matching Marshall's. Respect for the game of football and its history on the professional level demands that we acknowledge the NFL's true consecutive-games record. Two hundred is a nice, round number, but it doesn't have the same ring as 283.

On to the last power rankings of November. Brackets show previous rank.

1. New England Patriots [1] -- Defensive football at its best was on display when New England beat Baltimore this week. The final score shows a Patriots blowout, but for three quarters, the game was under lockdown and neither team found the endzone. While Kyle Boller was passing 35 times, the Pats were handing off, and Baltimore's defense simply wore down. Playing on a wet field, New England pounded the ball with Corey Dillon and didn't give the Ravens anything on defense. It's not as easy as it sounds, but if you can pull it off, it does the trick. Great game by two very good teams. The Patriots' coaching staff continues to stand out.

2. Philadelphia Eagles [3] -- In 1999, Donovan McNabb was a rookie, and Doug Pederson was Philadelphia's leading passer. The Eagles went 5-11. One year later, Pederson was backing up Tim Couch for 3-13 Cleveland, and McNabb threw 99.8% of Philly's passes. The team went 11-5 and McNabb went to the Pro Bowl. Each of the next three years, the Eagles won at least 11 games and McNabb won a trip to Hawaii. Terrell Owens is awesome, but in my mind, McNabb is the guy who makes Philadelphia's team. Owens is icing on the cake.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers [2] -- It doesn't necessarily mean anything that Ben Roethlisberger has struggled for three games in a row. When I've seen Roethlisberger this year, I have been impressed by his ability and shocked by his poise. But is he in the same league as Peyton Manning or Daunte Culpepper or Tom Brady? Right now, no. He's close. Big Ben reminds me of a prime-of-their-careers Bernie Kosar or Phil Simms. Since the phenomenal rookie QB presumably hasn't yet reached the prime of his career, the sky's the limit. Roethlisberger acts nothing like a rookie on the field, but he's still got some learning to do, and he's not yet elite -- just very good.

4. Indianapolis Colts [4] -- Really, what can you say at this point? Enjoy watching Peyton Manning, folks. As I've been saying all year, it's a rare privilege to see an offense as good as the Colts'. When you are old, you will tell young people about seeing Peyton Manning play.

5. San Diego Chargers [6] -- LaDainian Tomlinson was back to his 2003 form, catching 10 passes against the Chiefs on Sunday. Except in 2003, Tomlinson averaged more than two yards per carry. Every week I think to myself, "San Diego isn't really the fifth- or sixth-best team in the NFL. Denver would beat them head-to-head." But the Chargers keep winning -- five in a row now -- and the Broncos have lost three of their last five, and I always get in trouble when I go with my gut instead of my head. My head says the Chargers are the fifth-best team in the league as we enter Week 13.

6. Baltimore Ravens [5] -- Lost to a good team, on the road, in a game that was closer than the score makes it appear. But the offensive game plan stunk. Even if New England shuts down the run, you have to stick with it. Kyle Boller averaged less than three yards per pass attempt, and anything under six is unacceptable.

7. Green Bay Packers [7] -- Against St. Louis, the defense bent, but didn't break. Largely overlooked among the "200" brouhaha were Favre's extension of his streak for consecutive games with a TD pass, which is now second in history, and a new record for consecutive seasons with at least 20 TD passes. In both cases, Favre overtook Dan Marino, and John Madden made a good point, noting what a credit it is to Marino that it seems like whenever a record falls, he's the one who held it.

8. Atlanta Falcons [8] -- Four wins in a row, and the close ones count just as much as the Colts' wins do. Atlanta has outscored its opponents by just 17 points this season -- less than 5-6 Buffalo -- but has also beaten San Diego, Denver, and Tampa Bay when the Bucs were on a roll. The Falcons clearly have a knack for winning, but until they show that they can really put away mediocre opponents, the Falcons will have to be content with this sort of ranking. They won't face another good team until the playoffs. And, since Atlanta plays in the NFC, maybe not even then.

9. Buffalo Bills [12] -- Four wins in the last five games. The loss was to New England. The Bills can't make the playoffs at this point, but they're playing like they deserve to.

10. New York Jets [10] -- Get well soon, Chad Pennington. No one was too excited about Quincy Carter moving up to first on the depth chart, but Brooks Bollinger moving up to second is real cause for concern. Defense has been carrying this team recently. I haven't gotten a good look at Jonathan Vilma, but he always seems to be around the ball.

11. Minnesota Vikings [14] -- Their recent three-game losing streak has been replaced by a two-game winning streak. The defense remains a definite weak point -- Fred Taylor gained 147 rushing yards and averaged nearly seven per attempt -- but at 7-4, Minnesota's a virtual lock for the playoffs. I had a dream on Saturday night that Kenechi Udeze was in the Hall of Fame. Seriously.

12. Denver Broncos [9] -- When the season began, the Week 13 matchup between Denver and San Diego probably wasn't circled on your calendar. Circle it now. Decisive game in the AFC playoff picture, and it should be pretty well-played.

13. Cincinnati Bengals [18] -- Scored double-digits in each quarter against Cleveland. The Bengals hit the scoreboard twice each in the first and third quarters, and three times each in the second and fourth. I believe it is unprecedented for a team to score more than 50 points in a game despite three interceptions by its quarterback.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars [13] -- Thanks for playing, Jacksonville, but your playoff dream is over. The Jags do not really deserve to remain this high in the rankings, having lost three of their last four games -- with the win over sorry Detroit -- but no one else really deserves to be this high, either. It's the top 12, and then a bunch of teams pretty close. Don't be surprised by big moves around the middle of the rankings.

15. Houston Texans [15] -- Scored a season-high 31 points against Tennessee. Domanick Davis and David Carr had nice games, but give a lot of credit to the defense that forced three Steve McNair turnovers.

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers [11] -- Against an opponent that admirably shut down the running game, Brian Griese simply threw the ball to RB Michael Pittman, who responded with 134 receiving yards and two TDs. It would be easy to blame the normally stout Tampa defense, which allowed 100 rushing yards to Nick Goings and 10 yards per pass to Jake Delhomme, for this week's loss. The burden, though, is on the offense, which turned the ball over three times and only produced 14 points -- not including seven for Carolina on an interception return for a touchdown. The Bucs should have won, but critical errors and an underprepared defense cost them the game. The responsibility for fixing that sort of thing ultimately rests with Jon Gruden, and he's had more than a year now.

17. Tennessee Titans [20] -- Steve McNair isn't the concern. Tennessee's next two games are against Indianapolis and Kansas City. The real challenge falls to the defense.

18. St. Louis Rams [16] -- Madden was right about that phony timeout that nullified a Rams turnover. No whistle blew before or during the play. When the action was over, it was suddenly announced that Mike Martz called timeout, and St. Louis got third-and-one instead of a lost fumble. That stretches credibility, and no rule should allow for something like that. If a timeout was called before the play began, the whistle should blow before or immediately after the ball is snapped.

19. Seattle Seahawks [19] -- I know they fell behind early, but a 14-point halftime deficit isn't the end of the world. Abandoning the run, going with Matt Hasselbeck instead of Shaun Alexander, is.

20. Kansas City Chiefs [17] -- Four losses in a row, two on the road and two to great teams, since they beat 9-2 Atlanta and 8-3 Indianapolis in consecutive weeks. When a team is as good offensively as KC, it's usually at least .500 or so even if the defense is awful. Kansas City is first in the NFL in total offense and third in scoring offense, but 3-8. The defense is bad, but not that bad. The Chiefs just can't close out games.

21. Carolina Panthers [28] -- Three wins in a row. Against teams with a combined 9-24 record.

22. Arizona Cardinals [22] -- Shaun King was pulled in favor of Josh McCown, who threw two interceptions in only ten passes. Larry Croom led the team with 25 rushing yards. A scoreboard may not be necessary when the Cardinals travel to Detroit next week.

23. Cleveland Browns [21] -- Hung with Cincinnati, which is nothing to be ashamed of. Had to score 48 points to do so, which is shameful.

24. Oakland Raiders [29] -- In their last three games, the Raiders have beaten Carolina and Denver on the road, sandwiching a close loss to San Diego between the two. The offense was shockingly effective against Denver's defense. Norv Turner used to coach Champ Bailey, and the Raiders went after him all night. Torched him. It seems like that happens about every other Broncos game I watch. Bailey may be the most overrated player in the NFL.

25. New York Giants [23] -- I'm anything but a Kurt Warner fan. I'm on record saying before the season that I thought he was done. Warner's been a little better than I expected, but nothing special. However, I have difficulty believing that Eli Manning gives the Giants a better chance to win than Warner does right now.

26. Dallas Cowboys [30] -- You play to win. That means you start Vinny Testaverde. Trust the coaching staff to know what it's got in Drew Henson. Besides, sitting behind Testaverde didn't seem to hurt Chad Pennington.

27. New Orleans Saints [25] -- Offensively, New Orleans was respectable against a team with a good defense. On the other side of the ball, unfortunately, the Saints were unable to slow their opponents, including Atlanta's weak passing game (30th entering this weekend). NO's 312 points allowed is 31st in the league, ahead of only 1-10 San Francisco.

28. Washington Redskins [26] -- Pittsburgh has a terrific defense, so Washington's abysmal offensive performance wouldn't be too troubling, except that it looks like that against everyone else, too.

29. Detroit Lions [27] -- Joey Harrington or Mike McMahon? Does it matter?

30. Chicago Bears [24] -- If the rest of the team were any good, the unsettled QB situation would be a nuisance. In this case, however, it is doom.

31. Miami Dolphins [31] -- Big game from the defense, especially Jason Taylor. Nice win for Jim Bates.

32. San Francisco 49ers [32] -- Maybe after this season, John York will replace Dennis Erickson with another underqualified white guy. Or replace his whole team with guys from the CFL and Arena League who won't want big contracts. Anything to save a buck.

Posted by Brad Oremland at 3:38 PM | Comments (2)

November 29, 2004

First Impressions of the New Season

Syracuse is a legitimate Final Four contender. The Orange made a huge impression during the first week of their season. They blitzed their way through the Coaches vs. Cancer Tournament at Madison Square Garden, beating two top-25 teams, Mississippi State and Memphis, en route to the title. The one-two punch of Gerry McNamara and Hakim Warrick has been electric and they are proving to be one of the best inside-outside combinations in the country.

Syracuse has a huge advantage because they will not play a game outside the state of New York until a January 10 date with Notre Dame and should be 15-0 heading into that game. The Orange will be an extremely tough team to beat and, along with Connecticut, will dominate the Big East conference. They have a very legitimate shot at making a trip to the Final Four.

Santa Clara will be a dangerous team in the West Coast Conference. The Broncos pulled off the shocker of the early season so far, defeating the then third-ranked Tar Heels at the Pete Newell Challenge. Although Carolina was playing without Raymond Felton, their floor general, it was nonetheless a huge victory for the Broncos.

They then followed that up with an impressive home victory, this time over the Pac-10's Stanford Cardinal. Travis Niesen has been a revelation so far, scoring 26 and 31 points, respectively, in the wins against the Tar Heels and the Cardinal. Keep an eye out for this team.

If Niesen can continue to give the Broncos that type of production in the frontcourt, the Broncos will challenge Gonzaga for the conference title. Also, remember those two victories in March. If the Broncos perform well the rest of the season and are sitting on the NCAA Tournament bubble, those wins over North Carolina and Stanford will look pretty darn good on their resume.

The Arizona Wildcats are not yet playing to their potential. The Wildcats came into the season with high expectations ... and they may yet fulfill them. But they have struggled so far this year, losing to a Virginia team that many picked to finish seventh in the brutal ACC. Next, they went to New York City to participate in the Preseason NIT and again struggled, although they managed to reach the finals. They squeaked by a Michigan team that should be solidly in the middle of the pack in the Big 10 before losing to the No. 1-ranked Wake Forest Demon Deacons.

While there's no shame in losing to the top-ranked team in the country, the Wildcats did not play their best in New York. They played sloppily and shot extremely poorly. They shot just 34% from the field in their last three games and look just a bit out of sorts. They need to tighten things up if they are to fulfill the promise of this team.

St. John's is in a world of trouble. What can you say about the Red Storm? Just when you think there's a light at the end of the tunnel after last season's disaster, the university puts itself on probation for two years amid allegations of players being paid by members of the athletic department.

After last season's highly-publicized strip club and hooker scandal forced the university to expel students and fire coach Mike Jarvis, new coach Norm Roberts knew it would take some time to rebuild his program. However, after allegations by former player Abe Keita that he was paid by members of the athletic department, the school imposed two years of penalties on itself, including the loss of scholarships and a postseason ban for this year.

Although a postseason ban for this season accomplishes nothing, given the talent level on the roster, this season will undoubtedly be one of the worst in the school's storied history and could rival one of the worst in the history of the Division I basketball. Once a giant of the Big East, the Red Storm will be fodder for teams like UConn and Syracuse and will be a non-factor in the Big East for many seasons to come.

The North Carolina Tar Heels are scary good. Okay, they lost to Santa Clara in their season-opener. But, that was without their general, Raymond Felton. He's the catalyst for a team that has the best starting five in the country and is the engine that fuels the most dangerous up-tempo team in the land. With him, the Heels have averaged over 90 points per game and ran through a pretty decent field at the Maui Invitational. Offense will not be a problem for this team, especially as long as Rashad McCants is on the court. McCants is easily the most explosive scorer in the country and when his outside shot is falling, he's unstoppable.

However, this team will go only as far as their defense carries them, and if their jaunt to Maui is any indication, it will be carrying them to the last weekend of the season in St. Louis. The hallmark of coach Roy Williams' teams at Kansas was defense and so far, that's the area in which the Heels have vastly improved from last season. If they continue to show the type of commitment to defense they showed in Maui, there might not be a college team in America that can beat them this year.

The ACC is the best conference in the country, by far. Everyone knew that the ACC boasted the best collection of teams in the country, with North Carolina, Wake Forest, and Georgia Tech all opening the season ranked in the top five of most preseason polls. And so far, neither team has shown anything to disprove those lofty predictions, save for Carolina's little hiccup against Santa Clara.

However, with all the attention being laid at the feet of those three schools, squads like the Maryland Terrapins, Duke Blue Devils, and North Carolina State Wolfpack were left to ask, "What about us?" Well, after watching each team play their first few games, people won't be asking that question too much longer.

Duke, NC State, and Maryland, along with Virginia, have shown that they too are teams to be reckoned with and come conference season, will give the top-three teams all they can handle ... and more. Once the conference season plays itself out and all of these teams finish beating up on each other, there's a very good chance that seven teams from the ACC will get NCAA tournament bids.

The ACC is on the verge of a dream season not unlike the 1984-85 Big East season, the gold standard for conference play in the NCAA Tournament. That year, three teams from the Big East made the Final Four, St. John's, Georgetown, and Villanova. With so many talented teams in the ACC this season, a similar scenario unfolding this year in St. Louis is not out of the question.

The last few weeks has been a very tough time for the world of sports, from the brawl and ensuing riot at the Detroit Pistons/Indiana Pacers game, to the fight between the South Carolina and Clemson football players. However, Thanksgiving is a time for people to reflect on things for which they are grateful.

This week, I'm grateful that the college basketball season has started anew and the first impressions of the new season have been made. Some impressions were good, like North Carolina and Syracuse, while some were bad, like St. John's. However, I give thanks that the season is finally underway and we're once again off on the Road to the Final Four.

Posted by Eric Williams at 2:14 PM | Comments (0)

Omar Vizquel Poised to Save the Bay

Let's face it. The Giants are becoming one of those "We Haven't Won the Series Since..." franchises and we Americans have a soft spot for that. The entire nation went goo-goo for the Red Sox, and now attention is faced toward the Cubs. But thanks to the Giants' vision for greatness, Felipe Alou can depend on Omar Vizquel for just that.

Since that dreaded Saturday in late September when Steve Finley of the Los Angeles Dodgers sent the San Francisco Giants into the postseason doldrums, the Bay Area has been in a virtual sports coma. The sporting scene here is in an unusual heap of pain. The Giants and Oakland A's both took dives when it mattered most, diminishing solid seasons into disappointing downfalls.

No need to mention the Game 6 heartbreak in the 2002 World Series versus Anaheim, when the Giants heard the faint sound of bubbly champagne, only to be denied. (San Francisco is still emotionally bruised from that debacle.) No need to elaborate on the XFL-caliber football being played by the Raiders and 49ers in the Bay. The Warriors are their usual lousy selves, dwelling the cellar early and often, again. The only team with any serious success of late is the Sharks, but nobody wants to play in the NHL.

The Bay Area's gloom can suffice as soon as springtime arrives. The Giants are the fortunados of the baseball world during this offseason.

When young Cody Ransom biffed a game-ending double play versus the Dodgers on the last meaningful game for either team in 2004, it became obvious that the Giants weren't worthy of the postseason strictly on Barry Bonds' free bases and Jason Schmidt's dominance. As soon as free agent signings began this winter, San Francisco Giants general manager Brian Sabean went to work immediately, nabbing veteran shortstop guru Omar Vizquel.

It's no coincidence that the Giants picked up one of the all-time greats that so few have recognized over the years as being one of the best, if not the best, at the shortstop position since Ozzie Smith. (Note: for the remainder of this article, Vizquel will now be addressed as Omar. There is no better Omar in baseball history, with Omar Cedeno being his only real competition.)

Omar has always fallen under the bridge of popularity and marketability, beneath the one-time trio of young shortstops who dominated the balloting of the All-Star Games: Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and Nomar Garciaparra. There is no doubt that these stars mentioned are great. They are. The managers of the American League in the past 15 years who have coached all-star squads have made a habit of including Omar in the lineup because of his superb playing ability defensively and offensively.

His career fielding percentage at shortstop is .983. (His lowest percentage was his rookie season in Seattle: .971.) In 1999, Omar committed 3 errors and turned 99 double plays in 156 games. In the recent past, Omar has never been the talk during all-star festivities, but he has left lasting impressions on anyone who has watched the late innings of some of the mid-summer classics. In 1998 at Coors Field, Omar put together his own unassisted double play in the ninth to defeat the National League.

Remember the 1999 All-Star Game at Fenway Park with the cheesy scene of Garciaparra and Jeter embracing during a fourth inning switch, only to be outdone by Omar's two routine ground balls chopped up the middle -- except he fielded them by gunning down the runner-bare handed?

"He's the best defensive shortstop ever," noted then-Indians manager Mike Hargrove before the 1998 All-Star Game.

This past season, Omar batted .291 primarily in the number two spot for the Indians, who won the American League pennant in both 1995 and 1999 during his tenure with Cleveland. Not to mention, Omar tied the Major League record for most hits in a nine-inning game by hitting safely six times in seven at bats.

It is common to speculate the move because of the aging roster, most notably 40-year-old Barry Bonds. It is common to see Bonds do his usual routine of un-strapping his batting gear and literally walking to first, or not even making it to first on infield ground-outs. Omar is the polar opposite, whose on-field demeanor is that of Bambi, and his clutch hitting mixed with fellow sluggers Manny Ramirez, Albert Belle, Sandy Alomar, Jr., and Jim Thome helped make the Tribe one of the most potent batting lineups of recent history.

At 37-years-old, Omar is a man-boy heralded as an everyday player. He can still steal bases, bunt in National League situations, and is a poised to win a World Series.

Get your tickets to SBC Park, for the Giants have made the best acquisition for the dollar. This supreme change at shortstop and addition of a lifetime .275 batting average to the number two spot in a lineup that includes the best hitter in baseball will catapult the Giants into baseball's playoffs come next September.

Posted by Jon Gonzales at 1:13 PM | Comments (1)

November 27, 2004

Thanks For Nothing

This is the Thanksgiving edition of the Jesters Quart, but before we get to the holiday-themed portion of the column, I need to touch on two subjects I was noodling through on the way up to the parental homestead in New Jersey this week.

(Oh, and apologize to the dozen or so people who correctly mentioned that Brad Richards, not Marty St. Louis, won the Conn Smythe last season. See what happens when there's no hockey? My brain gets all [Tie] Domi...)

Why can't other cities have fans like New York's? I've lived in (or at least near) DC for about a decade now. I've gotten close with diehard fans from Boston and Philly. I respect each of these places as sports towns.

But driving up to New Jersey and listening to WFAN in New York, I'm reminded why the Big Apple is the best damn sports town period -- the passion of its sports talk. Seriously, there's nothing that satisfies the sports geek in me than hearing some knucklehead from Bayside talking about Eli Manning's pass protection like his child's health depended on its effectiveness (come to thing of it, maybe it was Archie [Manning] on the phone...)

I don't know why sports town like Philly and DC need to blend their sports talk with off-topic conversations about pop culture (listening to the newly-restarted Tony Kornheiser show on Washington's WTEM is sometimes like searching for sports talk during a PBS special on Motown). But in New York, it's a bunch of diehards pouring their hearts out, no matter what the sport is. Often imitated, never duplicated...

One last thought on the Ron Artest mess. What if this scenario had played out: Artest goes into the stands after getting hit with a cup of soda. He bulls past the guy who actually threw it and assaulted some skinny white kid in the crowd, just pummeling him.

So far, that's the way it went down, right? Now let's say this skinny white kid just so happens to have a pocketknife. And let's say he shanks Artest with it, as Artest is beating him for a crime he didn't commit.

What would the police do? Isn't the force this kid is using more appropriate than the force Artest used after getting splashed by a soda? Would the kid have been justified in defending himself?

In other words ... this mess could have been a hell of a lot messier.

Okay, one more Artest thought: if David Stern and the NBA lessen his suspension, it will be a PR disaster for a league already facing enough of them. Keep this lunatic out as long as you can, Dave...

Now, as a part of SportsFan Magazine's Cold Turkey Week, I contributed a list of Things in Sports I'm Thankful For. Here they are, in no particular order:

Mutant Psychic Human Breathalyzer Tests. What an amazing ability American sports columnists seem to have gained overnight! Imagine having the power to look at a videotape, see a scuffle in an arena crowd between fans and players, and somehow deduce (without the benefit of, you know, facts) that the majority of the fans in the melee were intoxicated! This is what happens when you get comped into every sporting event you attend -- you forget that the drunks actually sit in the upper deck.

Mike 'Doc' Emrick. The most painful thing about the NHL lockout is being deprived of the best play-by-play man on broadcast television.

Dating a Fellow Nets Fan. You haven't kissed a girl until you've kissed her while both of you are wearing paper bags on your heads.

The Orange Category in Trivial Pursuit. More sports, less leisure, please.

The Drudge Report. Saves me from having to listen to 300 conservative radio shows and 24 hours of FOX News to hear what the latest Republican talking points are.

Chad Johnson of the Bengals. Sports' best prop comic. This is what would have happened if Carrot Top ever learned how to catch the pigskin. I'd really expecting him to sledgehammer a melon after a touchdown one day.

David Brent of BBC's "The Office." "If you have lost both legs and both arms just go 'at least I'm not dead.' Though I'd rather be dead in that situation to be honest. I'm not saying people like that should be put down. I'm saying that in my life, I'd rather not live without arms and legs 'cuz, you know ... I'm just getting into yoga."

The complete and total submission to fantasy football geeks by every media outlet that covers the NFL on Sundays.

Dave McKenna in the DC City Paper. The only sportswriter I'll openly admit to being jealous of ... well, besides Maria Sharapova's biographer.

And finally ... the promise that, one day, Gary Bettman will (finally) stop breathing.

Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].

Posted by Greg Wyshynski at 6:33 PM | Comments (0)

November 26, 2004

Thanksgiving Stuffing

Hell of an offense, wouldn't you say?

First, the Colts demolish the Chicago Bears last week, 41-10, then blast the Lions into oblivion, matching the same point output, with a 41-9 victory.

Did the Colts sneak in a defense when I wasn't looking?

Well, no.

All that happened in those two games was that the Bears' and Lions' offenses are more lethargic than the security officers at a Detroit/Indiana basketball game.

Still, watching Peyton Manning at the line of scrimmage is a sight to behold. He gestures, stomps his foot, backs up from behind center and yells something to Edgerrin James or shouts over to Brandon Stokley.

The opposing defense tries not to pay attention, because it could be a real audible or he might just be blowing smoke.

Manning threw six touchdown passes against the Lions, while I was filling my belly with good eatings. He tossed three to Marvin Harrison and three to Stokley. We'll never know how many he may have thrown that game as he took a rest at the end of the third quarter.

Manning also sat out the fourth quarter of the Chicago Bears game, the week before.

Whether Manning is pulling your chain or if he's really calling that audible, the outcome is still the same. Touchdown pass after touchdown pass.

It seems there's just not much you can do about it. That is, unless you're the New England Patriots.

We're all aware that Manning is on pace to destroy the single season touchdown passing record set by Dan Marino. Barring an injury, which is unlikely, because Manning never gets touched with the superior offensive line the Colts have, he'll have that record in three games, if not sooner.

If you talk to Peyton Manning about the record he's about to set, he will be quick to downplay it.

"I feel uncomfortable talking about anything individual. I just want to win.", the humble Colts' quarterback said.

Usually, I don't listen to players who say things like that, because they are usually trained by public relations people to pretend they care about the team first. It's different with Manning. I listen and I believe him, because that is truly the type of player he is.

I have seen him with the opportunity to toss another touchdown pass, when he has driven his team to the red zone, adding to his total, but he will very happily and without a second thought, hand it off to James for the score.

Unfortunately, the season comes down to the team that is hoisting up the trophy in Jacksonville at the end of the year and as much as I wish the outcome would be different, it won't be Peyton Manning.

John Madden, during the Colts/Kansas City Chiefs' game, this past Monday, said exactly what I had been thinking for some time now.

Manning is like Dan Marino and New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is like Joe Montana.

Truer words have never been said.

Marino would put up numbers like you wouldn't believe and made a great fantasy football play, just like Manning does. Joe Montana did not have the strongest arm, but played solid enough, as does Tom Brady, to put up good numbers and, well...

Win Super Bowls.

I am in no way criticizing Manning or Dan Marino. In fact, the Dolphins of Marino's era and the 49'ers of Montana's era are about the same as today's Colts and Patriots.

The Dolphins had no defense, as the Colts have no defense.

The 49'ers had respectable offense and a great defense, as do the Patriots of today.

Tony Dungy, head coach of the Colts, must find a way to stop good teams from scoring against his defense or the Colts will find themselves turning into perennial playoff losers.

For example, teams like the upstart Pittsburgh Steelers, a Kansas City squad with Priest Holmes in the lineup and, of course, the mighty New England Patriots can and will outscore the Colts.

Without a defense to stop his opposition, Manning becomes just another great quarterback, without a ring.

It pains me to say that, because a title is what Manning so richly deserves, but there's a guy who deserves it more. In fact, deserves it again. Tom Brady, who has decent weapons on offense, but nowhere near the players Manning has, still finds a way to put up points, but, more importantly, wins the games that matter.

Now, Manning will likely win the MVP award for the numbers he has put up and I wouldn't argue when he does.

But, I was also considering the fact that if and when Manning plays New England in the the playoffs and loses, then Brady goes on to win another title, should Manning be MVP?

Well, the result will be a Manning MVP win, regardless of my opinion, and this time he will not have to share it with Tennessee Titans' quarterback Steve McNair.

However, the actual "Most Valuable Player", in my eyes, will be Tom Brady, who, when all is said and done, gets it done.

Posted by Damian Greene at 2:44 PM | Comments (0)

ATP and WTA Tours Reversing Trends

With only Fed Cup and Davis Cup left as the only major tennis competition, either most tennis players have packed their bags and zoomed to their vacation spots, or they plan to appear in a few exhibitions in order to pocket some extra dollars. Heck, some may even decide not to take a break, head down to Australia early, and begin working on their game.

This is a good moment to reflect back on some major trend changes in the worlds of professional tennis in terms of rankings. If you have done this at the end of last season or at the end of two seasons ago, you may find yourself observing the same things all over again. You may get the feeling nothing has changed after a full season.

Except one small change: the ATP and WTA have traded places.

Two seasons ago, Lleyton Hewitt finished the year ranked No. 1. Was Hewitt dominant during the year? Absolutely not. However, he was a consistent performer, won Wimbledon and a few other titles. It also helped that he capped the year with a victory at The Masters Cup.

Two players came out of nowhere to win two of the Slams, Thomas Johansson in Melbourne and Albert Costa in Paris. Pete Sampras came out of the hole he has been hiding for two years to win the U.S. Open only to decide he wants to move to a new phase in his life, which does not include tennis tournaments, but rather this other aspect of his life called "his family."

Simply put, it was a season during which not a player or a few elite have dominated, but rather parity dominated.

2003 provided more of the same with four different players winning Slams and Roger Federer finishing the year ranked No. 1 only by virtue of winning the Masters Cup.

On the women's side, it was a totally different story. In 2002, the Williams sisters were the story, followed by the two girls from Belgium in 2003. Nobody else came in the picture. Nobody came even close to contending for the number one spot.

Then came the 2004 season. It started all too familiar when Justine Henin-Hardenne and Kim Clijsters clashed in the finals of the Australian Open.

However immediately following the first Slam, something strange happened.

Women's tennis returned to the world of parity and depth in the rankings. Three different winners emerged in the remaining Slams, all from Russia. Suddenly, Kim Clisters acquired a nagging injury that ... well ... nagged her all year. Justine Henin-Hardenne promptly descended the stairs back down from the world of invincibility, and the Williams sisters' athleticism and power were no longer one-way ticket to Slam titles. Such was the depth and parity in women's tennis, Lindsay Davenport finished the year ranked No. 1, despite not reaching the finals of a single Slam.

On the men's side, the return to form of Hewitt and Marat Safin from mediocre 2003 campaigns promised for the playing field to be even more leveled then before. Juan Carlos Ferrero, Andy Roddick, Marat Safin, Hewitt, Tim Henman, Andre Agassi, Carlos Moya and a few others were shooting for the top, some having been there previously in their careers.

Then, all of a sudden, the strange thing that happened on the women's tour occurred on the men's tour also, except the other way around.

Federer decided that parity may be good for tennis, but had suppressing qualities for his overwhelming potential. He decided he wanted to see how far above everyone else he could go.

Did he ever...

Federer won three of the four Slams, 11 titles, and finished the year ranked No. 1 by a large margin. However, let's take a look beyond sheer numbers.

Here are some out of this world statistics for the reader:

Federer is 18-0 against top 10 players. He won tournaments consecutively on three different surfaces, a feat last accomplished by Bjorn Borg in 1979. Along with Jimmy Connors in 1974 and Mats Wilander in 1988, he is the only player in Open era to win three Slams in one season. In two Masters Cup tournaments, where he faces the best competition the game has to offer, he has not lost a match, in fact, not even a set.

Federer's lead in the rankings is so wide that he is guaranteed the number one ranking until Wimbledon, assuming he takes up space traveling until that time.

Two years ago, I felt trends changed for the worst in women's tennis, and for the better in men's tennis. Although the roles have reversed from two years ago, I find them both refreshing. Perhaps, it will be exciting to see on the men's side, which of the rest of the pack can rise up and challenge Federer to form a rivalry for the ages. It will also be exciting to watch the Russian armada on the women's side lay it all out with the familiar faces of Jennifer Capriati, Lindsay Davenport, Williams' sisters, and the Belgian girls.

Sheer numbers become exciting to analyze when they indicate a trend change, in this case, reversal of roles on both tours.

Posted by Mert Ertunga at 1:58 PM | Comments (3)

November 25, 2004

NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 12 (Pt. 2)

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Cleveland @ Cincinnati

As you probably don't know, the Ohio state motto is: "With God, all things are possible."

"Yes, I knew that," says Bengals coach Marvin Lewis. "And I can apply that to my coaching philosophy, although that would put a lot of pressure on God if I were to tell my team that the playoffs are possible. If God is anything like Carson Palmer, and I'm guessing he's not, then He would make a lot of mental errors when faced with pressure."

"I must admit that I as well invoke the name of the Lord," adds Brown coach Butch Davis. "But with a 3-7 record and a bunch of erratic ass clowns for players, it's the kind of usage the Lord would probably not be too pleased about."

For heaven's sake, the Browns are certainly in turmoil. Weeklong rumors of Butch Davis' demise as head coach were quelled with a Tuesday announcement by management that Davis' would complete the year with his job intact.

"Ah, is that good news or bad news?" asks wide receiver Dennis Northcutt.

Good for Butch; bad for you and your teammates. And as a receiver, Dennis, you should be aware that Kelly Holcomb will get the start at quarterback in place of Jeff Garcia, who's out with an injured rotator cuff.

"One thing I've learned here in Cleveland," explains Northcutt, "is no matter who starts at quarterback lately, it's bad news for the Browns. Oh well."

He's right. Holcomb faces a Bengals defense that last week sacked Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger seven times at the expense of a strong Pittsburgh offensive line. Now that's bad news. Rudi Johnson rushes for 108 yards on 31 carries, leading the Bengals to a 23-7 win.

Jacksonville @ Minnesota

Randy Moss celebrates his return to the Viking lineup after missing three games due to a hamstring injury, games in which the Vikings went 1-2.

"Somebody break out the King Kobra, a bucket of chicken, and some Silly String," Moss yells. "It's time to party. Madd Skillz is back in da house!"

Moss' return comes at a most opportune time for the Vikes, who are in a dead heat with the Packers for the NFC North crown. Whether or not Moss' hamstring is totally healed may determine Minnesota's fortune. If Moss is at 100%, then the Vikings can exploit teams with the threat of Moss deep, which, when it doesn't lead directly to a touchdown, opens up the running game for the Vikings' stable of backs.

"I think Randy is capable of about 25 plays Sunday," explains Tice. "Hopefully, most of those will take place in the red zone."

If you remember from earlier in the year, when Moss was initially hurt, Tice said Moss wouldn't play, and he did. So who knows exactly what "25 plays" means. It could mean Moss doesn't play at all, or it could mean Moss plays the entire game at quarterback.

"All just a part of the Mike Tice master plan. You fools don't know a poker face when you see one."

Isn't that the point of a poker face? Not knowing.

Jack Del Rio's Jaguars also expect their most important player, Byron Leftwich, to return to the lineup. Leftwich missed the previous two games with a sprained ligament in his left knee.

"It'll be like a Marshall University reunion out there," says Jack Del Rio. "Moss and Byron are two special pros, and they were certainly two special collegians. It takes a special person to be a black kid and voluntarily go to West Virginia. Hell, I'm a white man and I wouldn't want to go to West Virginia."

Sounds like Jack Del Rio has seen the movie Deliverance one too many times.

"Seven, to be exact," replies the Jag leader.

At 6-4, both teams must win to remain firmly in the playoff hunt. Home field advantage means a lot in this contest, and that, along with the return of Moss, propels the Vikings to a 34-28 win.

Philadelphia @ New York Giants

With a win Sunday, the Eagles clinch their fourth straight NFC East crown. A loss, and the Eagles clinch their fourth-straight NFC East crown, just a week later.

"We want to drop the hammer down early against the Giants," says Donovan McNabb. "We want to clinch this thing quick, sip on the bubbly, and go home and watch Desperate Housewives. We noticed after the Monday Night Football fiasco with Terrell Owens, a black character just suddenly popped up on the show. What's up with that?"

I don't know, D-Mac. It may have something to do with the black-football-player-embracing-hot-white-chick demographic that ABC so desires for that 9:00-10:00 Sunday night slot.

In any case, the Eagles face a hungry Giants' squad, seething after three consecutive losses, and bent on avenging their opening day, 31-17 defeat by the Eagles.

"Of course we're hungry," an irritable Tom Coughlin explains. "Why shouldn't we still be hungry? We haven't abandoned ship yet. We're still in this playoff hunt. I don't know why people are so fast to write us off. We have the same record as the Rams, 5-5, and you don't hear anyone saying the Rams are out of the playoff hunt. It's frustrating. But again, we will keep fighting and we will stay hungry."

"Damn. These guys sure are hungry," notes Owens. "Donovan, call your momma and get these fools some Campbell's Chunky Soup."

The Giants come out fighting, but despite their status as the fourth-rated passing defense, they can not stop the Philly air threat. On defense, the blitzing Eagle defense is too much for Eli Manning to process despite a Saturday night cram session with brother, Peyton. McNabb throws three TD passes, one to Owens, who celebrates New York-style by taking a bite of a red apple, then spiking it.

Eagles win, 30-24.

San Diego @ Kansas City

"Chalk up that NFL Coach of the Year award to me," boasts Charger coach Marty Schottenheimer, "and hand over that Comeback Player of the Year to my quarterback, Drew Brees. And while you're at it, give my man at tight end, Antonio Gates, some trophy action for NFL Rookie of the Year."

"And go ahead and tack on a Pro Bowl invitation, too," boasts Gates. "No offense to Tony Gonzalez, but I'm the best tight end in the game. Like me, Tony played basketball in college; unlike me, he played football in college. I'm still brand new to this position. I understand there's a duty of tight end called blocking. As of now, I'm unfamiliar with that, but I'll learn how to do that after I master this touchdown catch thing. Have you noticed? I'm the best crossbar slam dunker in the game?"

Yes, I've noticed. I've also noticed that many pro football scouts are making trips to college gyms across the country to check out the 6-8, 260-pound forward/center who potentially could be the next tight end superstar in the game.

"They won't find him," adds Gates. "I'm one of a kind. I'm a freak."

In Kansas City, the year is officially shot. The Chiefs are 3-7, Priest Holmes is still hurt, and they still have no defense.

"But we are still in the position to play spoiler and knock someone out of the playoffs," says a smiling, optimistic Dick Vermeil.

"Awww. Spoiler! That's the word you don't want to hear from your coach," notes Trent Green. "But Coach Vermeil has that innate ability to motivate, usually by bawling his eyes out. I'm tearing up just thinking about it."

Vermeil does it again, turning on the tears to fire his team up. The Chiefs respond, especially Gonzalez, who, intent on re-establishing his dominant tight end status, posts 100 yards receiving and a touchdown, which he celebrates with a crossbar-shaking monster jam. Officials initially throw a flag and try to call a technical, but they have to pick up the flag when they realize it's not a violation.

Chiefs pulls the upset, 33-30.

Tampa Bay @ Carolina

The Panthers have won two-straight, thanks mostly to the play of wide receiver Muhsin Muhammad, who has scored five touchdowns in those two victories.

"I'm just a humble guy from Michigan," says Muhammad, "with a name straight out the Middle East. Allah Akbar, dog! Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah. In Arabic, the name Muhsin means 'charitable', so I will live by those words and deflect praise for myself and place it upon other, more deserving entities."

Okay, Muhsin, what other Panthers deserve any praise whatsoever?

"Panthers? No way, man," explains Muhammad. "I'm talking about Atlantic Coast Conference basketball. Wake Forest is number one in the nation, Duke is top 10, and North Carolina won the Maui Classic. But it looks like the Tar Heels fell victim to the Sports Illustrated curse, just like we did. They picked the Heels as preseason number one, and they lose their first game. SI picked us to make the NFC Championship Game, and look at us now: 3-7."

There's nothing like expert analysis, Muhsin.

The Bucs, on the other hand, are still in the playoff hunt, albeit as a long shot. At 4-6, Tampa would probably have to win five of its remaining six games, then hope for a miracle.

"And with Brian Griese playing as well as he has," comments Tampa coach Jon Gruden, "it looks like we've already experienced our miracle. We've just got to keep grinding and hope the teams ahead of us falter down the stretch."

At least this week, the Bucs do their part. Michael Pittman accounts for 150 total yards and Griese throws two TD passes.

Tampa wins, 25-17.

Tennessee @ Houston

"The matchup between the Titans and Texans always invokes an eerie feeling of 'deja vu,'" says Titans head coach Jeff Fisher. "For some reason, I'm picturing a helmet with an oil rig on it."

Seconds later, former Houston coach Bum Phillips pulls up in a convertible Cadillac, complete with Texas longhorn hood ornament. Out of the passenger seat pops former Houston coach Buddy Ryan, who takes a swing at Fisher and shouts, "Take that, Kevin Gilbride!"

"But I'm not Kevin Gilbride," Fisher screams. "I'm Jeff Fisher."

"In that case, please accept this No. 1 Oilers' jersey on my behalf," says former Oiler quarterback Warren Moon.

"And you can wear this padded flak-jacket underneath your Moon jersey," adds former Oiler quarterback Dan Pastorini.

"Is this all some kind of joke?" asks a befuddled Fisher.

"No, Jeff Fisher," shouts the NFL Network's Rich Eisen, emerging from a van with a bouquet of flowers, "you've just won the grand prize in the NFL Network's Throwback Weekend Sweepstakes! Congratulations!"

"But I didn't enter any sweepstakes."

"But you're a sucker," says Eisen. "Now place this tiara upon your head and take a bow."

Dom Capers' Texans are a youthful bunch. So youthful, in fact, that most of them don't even remember that the original Houston franchise was called the Oilers.

"And I'm sure they don't realize the Astros were formerly known as the Colt 45's," notes Capers.

"Wow, that's got to be the coolest name for a team in the history of sports!" says Texan wide receiver Andre Johnson. "Colt 45's. That brings quite a few memories rushing back to me, one of them being the time I answered the door when I was five, and there stood Billy Dee Williams with a six-pack of Colt 45. About two hours later, I saw him leave my Mom's bedroom. He gave me the 'thumbs up' and said 'Colt 45. Works every time.' About nine months later, I had a baby brother with some wicked curly hair."

What's even cooler than the name Colt 45's is the fact that your little brother's daddy is Lando Calrissian, the Star Wars original gangster. Awesome!

"What's Star Wars?" asks a clueless Johnson.

Never mind, Andre. You just go out there Sunday and catch yourself a touchdown pass.

"It's all good," replies Johnson.

Johnson does indeed snag a TD pass, and tacks on 98 yards receiving as the Texans slip by the Titans, 24-20.

Washington @ Pittsburgh

Steelers' quarterback and young buck Ben Roethlisberger moved his record to 9-0 as starter, and 20-0 counting his final year as starter at Miami of Ohio University.

"And I went to Miami of Florida," notes Redskin running back Clinton Portis. "You know, the Miami's of Ohio and Florida are collectively a recruiting powerhouse. A clearinghouse, if you will. All recruits for the Miami's juggernaut are analyzed and then assigned to the appropriate Miami. If a recruit has a drug problem, an attitude problem, or a police record, then he is shipped off to Miami of Florida. If the recruit is clean-cut, well-behaved, and free of menacing tendencies, then he's ready-made for Miami of Ohio. Incidentally, Miami of Florida gets all the good athletes. Sometimes, a guy like Roethlisberger slips through the cracks and is sent to Ohio."

Thanks for the info, Clinton.

This game should be a low-scoring affair, as Pittsburgh's defense ranks No. 1 in total defense, followed closely by Washington. The difference in the game will come from the offense, particularly Pittsburgh's, since the Redskins are devoid of offense. The Steelers will build a lead and force the Redskins to throw the ball, which can mean either of two outcomes: interceptions by the Steelers, or footballs with grass stains. With the lead, the Steelers will pound "The Bus" Jerome Bettis, while the "The Van" Duce Staley may see some action if his injured hamstring has healed. With the running game clicking, Ben Roethlisberger will be able to complete the occasional play-action pass or roll-out, and finish with a solid and efficient, yet unspectacular statistical line of 16-for-20, for 196 yards, and one touchdown.

"Wow!" exclaims Bill Cowher. "You just read my mind!"

No need to be amazed, Bill. I've read comic books before.

The Steelers physically outclass the Redskins, 27-10.

New Orleans @ Atlanta

Of all the interceptions thrown last Sunday, none was worse than Aaron Brooks' underhanded toss that landed right in the hands of Denver linebacker Al Wilson, who returned it seven yards for a touchdown.

"Come on, give me some credit," Brooks says. "I threw two other interceptions that were thrown over-handed, and my technique on those was flawless. Damn, I threw 60 passes! Can't a brother throw an interception every now and then?"

You know, there's this thing that some quarterbacks do when they can't find an open receiver.

"You're talking about throwing into triple coverage, right?" asks Brooks.

No, I'm referring to running with the ball. It's something your cousin, Michael Vick, is quite adept at. You know, he's on pace to rush for 1,000 yards and become the first quarterback to do so. Give it a try sometime.

The Falcons find themselves in solid playoff position.

"Playoffs!? Playoffs?! You're talking about playoffs?!" Mora yells. "Hey, I'm just joshing you, man. That was my impression of my dad. He gets pissed when I do that. Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, we're in perfect playoff position. We want to hold on to the No. 2 seed and hopefully, Philly will keep the No. 1 seed. I feel we have a better chance of beating the Eagles in Philly for the NFC title, since the last two NFC Champs won it in Philadelphia. So, if it comes down to it, we might have to lose on purpose."

And, it seems, the only way to lose to the Saints is on purpose. Vick should have his way with the Saints, whether he chooses to run, pass, skip, hop, break dance, crawl, backstroke, etc. Whatever his form of locomotion, he should be successful. The Saints will score; they just won't score when it counts most.

Falcons win, 31-23.

Baltimore @ New England

"This could very well be a preview of the AFC Championship Game in January," Ravens' coach Brian Billick announces to a pressroom full of reporters.

"How so?" asks one reporter.

"Come again?!" says another.

"Are you high?" asks yet another scribe.

"By 'preview', do you mean the Patriots will blast the Ravens as they will another opponent in the AFC Championship?" queries another.

"Laugh as you will," snickers Billick. "We will be in the AFC Championship game. At least, that's what I'm telling my players."

In response to Billick's statement, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick is typically reserved.

"If the Ravens want to pay us a visit come January," replies Belichick, "I go ahead and reserve my hotel room in Jacksonville for the Super Bowl. If he thinks he's going to beat me without Jamal Lewis and with Kyle Boller carrying the load, in the words from a classic metal band, 'You've Got Another Thing Comin'.'"

"How dare Belichick use Judas Priest's name in vain," yells Billick. "Two can play that game. After we beat the Pats on Sunday, Belichick will be 'Screamin' For Vengeance.'"

Okay, men, let's settle this on the field. Without Jamal Lewis, the Ravens must rely even more heavily on their defense. Of course, the Ravens' defense always keeps it close, but, with Tom Brady running the show, New England will do what's necessary to win.

"If that includes doing things that tie in nicely to a Judas Priest song, then that's what we'll do," adds Brady.

Ravens' quarterback wilts under the big game pressure, and has two costly turnovers.

Patriots win, 24-13.

Buffalo @ Seattle

"If you would have told me before the game that Drew Bledsoe would throw three touchdowns to the same person in one game," comments Bills' receiver Eric Moulds, "I would have guessed that it would have been a defensive back for the other team."

Moulds is referring to Bledsoe's three touchdown passes to tight end Mark Campbell last week against the Rams, which led the Bills to a 37-17 destruction of the Rams.

"Honestly, I couldn't pick Mark Campbell out of a police lineup," Bledsoe explains. "But, apparently, he was wearing a Bills' uniform and he was open, so I decided to throw to him."

Speaking of police lineup, Seahawks' wide receiver Koren Robinson's appeal of his four-game drug suspension was upheld by the league. Robinson's suspension begins Sunday, and he will be eligible to return on December 26th.

"I tried to advise Koren on how to appeal a drug suspension," explains Jerry Rice, who will assume Robinson's spot in the lineup. "But he totally misunderstood the word 'appeal.' He went into the meeting and 'appealed' to have his pot returned to him. What a dummy."

The Seahawks' earlier acquisition of Rice could prove to be a season saver.

"We need Jerry's veteran leadership to guide us through the stretch run," Seattle coach Mike Holmgren says. "Jerry brings a stabilizing force to an otherwise unruly set of dumbasses in our receiving corps. We expect Jerry to make big plays for us."

Rice doesn't catch a TD pass as he did last week, but his presence loosens coverage on Darrell Jackson, who catches a Trent Dilfer touchdown pass in the fourth quarter that gives the Seahawks the game-clinching points.

Seattle wins, 20-16.

Miami @ San Francisco

If only Joe Montana and Dan Marino could see the state of affairs in Miami and San Francisco, they would probably consider coming out of retirement, training for a day or two, and taking over the starting quarterback job the next.

"When I see Tim Rattay tarnishing the 49er quarterback legacy," says Montana, "it disgusts me. 147 yards passing in one game? Come on."

"I totally agree, Joe," replies Marino. "Look at these guys. Jay Fielder. A.J. Feeley. Bob Griese, Don Strock, and myself certainly won't allow these stooges into the Dolphin quarterbacking fraternity."

With both teams at 1-9, this is the Super Bowl for the first pick in the 2005 draft.

"It sure would be nice to have that pick," says 49er coach Dennis Erickson, "as well as picks two through seven. With those seven picks, we might be able to turn this team around."

In Miami, rumor has it that Ricky Williams will return to the team after serving a four-game drug suspension.

"That's just great," notes Miami interim coach Jim Bates. "Let's see. Ricky should return just in time to help us close the deal on a 2-14 record."

You know, if I had a nickel for every time the words "four-game drug suspension" were used, I'd be a rich man. But, in fact, it's the servers of four-game drug suspensions who are rich men. Do you hear me, Ricky Williams, Onterrio Smith, Jamal Lewis, Koren Robinson, et al?

Anyhow, the Miami defense, as it has all year, picks up the slack and provides the Dolphins any chance they have of winning. Three Tim Rattay interceptions lead to 13 Miami points.

The Dolphins win, 23-13.

New York Jets @ Arizona

Curtis Martin became only the second running back in history to start his career with 10-straight 1,000-yard rushing seasons, duplicating the feat of Detroit great Barry Sanders.

Using the ciphering skills exemplified by Jethro Bodean of The Beverly Hillbillies, I'd say you're approaching 10,000 yards for your career.

"And I'd say you're an idiot," Martin replies. "Ten multiplied by 1,000 is 10,000. Where'd you get your schooling, boy? UDA? The University of Dumb @ Ass?"

Yeah, and I graduated with honors, thank you very much.

Martin is nursing a bruised right knee, but will play Sunday. Jets' quarterback Chad Pennington was able to throw for the first time since straining his right rotator cuff three weeks ago.

"That's some darn good news," beams Jets' coach Herman Edward. "Chad throwing means Quincy Carter sitting, and thats the first step to getting this team healthy and ready to make a serious playoff run. When it all comes together for the Jets, we'll be stepping large and laughing easy."

New York will face a tough Cardinals team that is 3-1 at home, with the sole loss coming at the hands of the Patriots. The Arizona defense keeps it close, but mistakes down the stretch by Cardinal quarterback Shaun King will spell their downfall. Martin splits time with Lamont Jordan and together, they combine for 130 yards rushing and two touchdowns.

The Jets win 20-9 and solidify their wildcard playoff hopes.

Oakland @ Denver

Former Raider and Bronco linebacker Bill Romanowski is invited to Invesco Field at Mile High to serve as honorary coin tosser for one of the most heated rivalries in sports. Romanowski is at first reluctant to miss a day at work in his booming sports supplement business, but when the Broncos and Denver Nuggets collectively offer Carmelo Anthony to carry his bags, Romanowski cannot refuse the offer. Anthony meets the former Bronco and Raider at the airport gate, and unwittingly carries a duffle bag full of illegal supplements through the airport and into an awaiting taxi.

Romanowski never makes it to the game, as he is arrested after an innocent loogie spit out of the taxi window splats the windshield of a Denver traffic cop. Romanowski, however, is later released from the station after signing a few autographs and prescribing some painkilling medication to a few horses on the Denver horseback patrol squad.

Once the game starts, it's Denver all the way. Reuben Droughns drilled the Raiders in week six with 176 yards on 38 carries and a touchdown. After that game, Droughns and Raider Warren Sapp exchanged smack, with Sapp later calling Droughns a "young punk."

"Warren's earned the right to talk all the junk he wants," says Droughn, "and he'll be given every opportunity to talk some more this Sunday. Just like last time, we plan on running right at that old fart, so if he wants to talk, he better use words of the one-syllable variety, because I'm going around, through, or over him real quick."

Droughns is a young punk of his word, and he indeed does run all over the Raiders. Droughns rushes for 150 yards and a touchdown as the Broncos cruise 31-9, and await next week's AFC West showdown at San Diego.

St. Louis @ Green Bay

The mystery that is the St. Louis Rams continues to stupefy everyone, but the person most shocked by his team's play in the coach himself, Mike Martz. Like the character Lenny in the movie Memento, Martz should have a word tattooed somewhere on his body as a reminder, preferably in the most painful area possible.

"Great idea, man," says Martz. "I think I'll have the word 'genius' tattooed across my abdomen, to give me kind of a Tupac Shakur look."

Wow, Mike, hearing the names 'Mike Martz' and 'Tupac Shakur' in the same sentence is like hearing the names "Florence Henderson" and "Jenna Jameson" in the same sentence. They don't fit, unless you're Greg Brady of The Brady Bunch, then it's probably a huge turn-on. Anyway, the word you should have tattooed on you is "accountabilty."

"Accountability?" asks Martz. "Are you saying I don't accept responsibility for my actions?"

That's exactly what I'm saying, you tool. You always have an excuse why the Rams lose, and it never has anything to do with you. Last week, in your 37-17 loss to the Bills, you blamed it on poor special teams play.

"Don't forget," adds Martz, "I also blamed it on some cheap shots by the Bills."

Yeah, I was getting there, Mike. That's about as close as you've ever come to giving another team credit. The simple fact that you lost to the Bills speaks volumes about you and your players. The Rams are supposedly playoff contenders, but contenders shouldn't lose to the Bills, much less by 20 points. I'll do you a favor and give you an excuse why the Rams will lose Monday night: it will be Brett Favre's 200th consecutive start, and, with a national television audience watching the Packers at Lambeau Field, the Rams have no chance. That's just one excuse.

"Here are some more," continues Brett Favre. "I'm Brett Favre. Your quarterback is Marc Bulger. I've got more hardware in my trophy case than Bulger does in his tool shed. And, oh yeah, Martz, I don't know if you realize this, but the game's in Green Bay. And we won't have the heat on."

"Green Bay? Dang it, I thought we were at home!" screams Martz. "Let me go find someone to blame my incompetence on yet again."

Martz ends up peering into his Magic Mirror, incessantly asking it "Who's the fairest of them all?"

"Dad gumit, Martz," replies the Magic Mirror. "For the last time, Snow White is a better football coach than you!"

In their five losses, the Rams have surrendered 28 or more points. In their sixth loss, they give up 34 to the Packers. Favre throws four touchdown passes, and Green Bay continues their push to the NFC North title. Packers win, 34-24.

Posted by Jeffrey Boswell at 11:58 PM | Comments (0)

November 24, 2004

A Stern Reaction to the Basketbrawl

Ron Artest is crazy.

Bonafide crazy. Artest isn't just some cat who messes around and acts crazy from time to time. He's legit. What he did in running several rows deep can't be defended. Just want to get that out up front, because at times this column might sound like a defense of his actions. It is not. A player cannot, under any circumstances, run into the crowd and just start going after fans. Especially when he goes after the wrong guy.

That said, the league overreacted to what was an ugly incident that will likely be the most talked about moment of this season unless Ruben Patterson tries to get him some of the Staples Center fans. When the Pacers and the Pistons play again, the telecast will surely use video of the brawl to promote the game and to show how the rivalry has been moved to the next level.

Artest should not have been suspended for the entire season. You can send the same message by suspending him for 30 games. Missing 30 games isn't exactly light. Not to mention Stern is essentially saying, "provoke star players, maybe you won't see them in the playoffs."

The absolute worst part of all of this is that Stern is acting as if this was an epidemic. As if this is something that had been escalating for some time now and if he didn't step in and make an example out of Artest, that you would see more of this all across the NBA.

Nonsense. Complete and absolute nonsense.

Players have been hit with items in every sport. How often do you see them enter into the stands and go after the person that they think threw something at them? It just doesn't happen. To think that it will suddenly start happening on an increased basis is simply absurd. This was an emotional reaction from someone who needs help for his sickness.

This is an isolated incident. A very large black eye, but still, a rare incident. With a 20-game suspension, a 40-game suspension, or the entire season, you accomplish the same thing. You punish the player and you likely won't see an incident like this happen again. Stern made an example of Artest. Plain and simple. Yet you didn't need to make an example of Artest.

If Stern wanted to make an example of someone, go after Ben Wallace. Overreacting to fouls is an epidemic in the league, whereas players running into the stands is not. Give Wallace 10 games if you want to make a statement, seeing as it was his idiocy that led to Artest's idiocy to begin with.

Still, the problem with these suspensions comes in the precedent set by them. When Vernon Maxwell jumped into the crowd back in 1995 to confront a fan for verbal abuse, he was suspended for 10 games. If Artest jumps into the crowd and security pulls him away, instead of fans jumping on his back and then throwing punches, he comes out of this with anywhere from 10-to-20. Since the incident turned out that ugly, Artest suffers the brunt of it.

Not to mention that Stern's suspension of Jermaine O'Neal for 25 games was solid indication that Stern was simply handing out as many games as he thought he could get away with to give the appearance of handling the situation.

It's crazy to think that O'Neal deserves that many games for his part of the melee. He wasn't in the crowd. He didn't have a hand in starting anything. O'Neal is getting this many games for decking a fan that came down onto the basketball court. Onto the court, that's the big thing here. O'Neal didn't chase someone down. A fan came on the court looking for a piece of a player and he got it. End of story.

But it's indication that Stern is handing out punishment not based on what these players deserved to get, but because it's how the league will come off the best on CNN and the like.

Did the punishment fit the crime? Hardly. But, Stern has sound-bytes that claim his league is under control. The punishment certainly fit the backlash, but Stern has to look past that.

Maybe the problem isn't in the suspensions at all. At the end of the day, Artest did something really silly and simply can't make his way into the crowd.

Maybe the problem is just that Stern simply has no right to hand this punishment out.

Stern can't get off without blame in this incident. If this happened because the NBA is changing to a more prevailing "thug" mentality, you have to look at the man who has not only accepted it, but has embraced it. Stern's wanting to make an example out of anyone in this situation is rather hypocritical.

Why is it that Stern hasn't done anything to deter high school players and underclassmen from declaring for the NBA draft en masse?

Simply put, it would be bad business.

Sure, there is nothing that Stern can do about the likes of a LeBron James or a Carmelo Anthony. There are certain players that are sure lottery picks and it is hard to make a case to leave them out of the NBA. On the other hand, there are certain players who have declared for the draft on the off chance of being a first-round draft pick. These players have no options left and nowhere to go.

Of course Stern doesn't mind. A lot of talent has missed out on the college game over the past five years and the NBA has benefited from this. The college game is competition for the NBA. It hasn't always been that way, but with changes to the NBA game, this has become a reality.

If players come into the league without maturing, you cannot be surprised by things such as O'Neal and Stephen Jackson throwing haymakers at fans when they should have been playing peacemaker.

Unfortunately, there are also a lot of people coming out of this saying that if these incidents happened more often, they'd watch the NBA more.

David Stern, you've got a problem on your hands, but it isn't exactly just involving the players on the Indiana Pacers.

Posted by Doug Graham at 12:41 PM | Comments (0)

Offseason Mistakes Killing Cowboys

As some Americans are left pulling their hair screaming, "what the hell is going on with my government," Dallas Cowboy fans are searching for answer to their team's woes.

Bill Parcells has taken three franchises from notorious losers to seldom seen or never before reached accomplishments. Bill first made his mark by giving the New York Giants their only two Super Bowl championships, then took a New England team that hadn't done anything in a decade to a Super Bowl and his third stop brought the Jets to an AFC championship game after a 16-year draught. So what's the problem in Dallas? Well, to paraphrase politics, it's more that just the running game, stupid, and nothing to do with Quincy Carter.

Vinny Testaverde's stats are on pace to be just as dull as Carter's were last season. Though Vinny may not be the much-needed boost at quarterback Dallas needs, he certainly is not a downgrade for the Cowboys. Drew Henson's time is coming and if Sunday wasn't the end of his bench riding, look for him to start December 6th. That gives the rookie 11 days to prepare for a Monday night game in Seattle.

The Cowboys feeble running attack ranks a paltry 25th in the NFL, but they now have a healthy Julius Jones who had been sidelined since September. The team should be able get a good read on him the remainder of the season. No matter what Parcells has been telling the media, with two likely high picks in the first-round next draft, Dallas has got to play their young skill position talent and see just what they have.

But the biggest reason Dallas is such a mess this season is because the Cowboys failed in addressing or just ignored keyholes in their defensive personnel. Even though the Cowboys ranked number one statistically in overall defense last season, they lacked a pass rush and sorely needed a dependable cornerback opposite Terrence Newman.

Dallas had no intention of resigning their free agent CB Mario Edwards and yet they did nothing to help shore up the position. Passing up on free agency, Parcells and owner Jerry Jones drafted three cornerbacks one in the fourth-round and two in the seventh. That's fine if you're drafting for depth, but Dallas had nobody in the position ready to step up for them and then had to settle for third-year, unproven Pete Hunter who is out for the season after playing in only three games. Now the Cowboys are relying on a combination of rookies and players that weren't even in the league when the season started.

The acquisition of free agent defensive end Marcellus Wiley, who has zero sacks this season, makes underachieving Bart Simpson look like Helen Keller. It simply was a bad move. Wiley had two double-digit sack seasons in 2000 and 2001, but only nine sacks since. Yet in a position where Dallas has shown nothing since having Charles Haley and Tony Tolbert as bookends in the '90s, the team decided to take a chance on a player who has done little in two years.

Truly, it is time for the Cowboys and their fans to look to next season. Drew Henson becomes the next great replacement for Troy Aikman and with loads of money to spend on free agency and two first-round draft picks, all Dallas really needs to do is fix a few holes and they should be a much better 10-6 team than in 2003. That is, of course, if the front office can own up to its mistakes instead of insisting on following the same failing policies.

Posted by Gary Geffen at 12:39 PM | Comments (1)

Are We Important Yet?

Right now, the only college sport most people want to talk about is football. Whether it's the three-headed mess of who belongs in the title game or a celebration of Utah's crashing of the BCS party, the last thing on many minds is college basketball. Basically, people are saying, "Wake me up when we get to February," because nothing of significance truly happens in November.

So, why even bother typing an article about the hardwood? Things might not always be what they seem.

In this era of scholarship limitations, teams that were meant to be fodder are now capable of playing with the big dogs. Case in point, this past Friday night in California. The UNC Tar Heels, a national championship contender, stepped into the Oakland Arena to face Santa Clara.

The Broncos, a West Coast Conference member, amassed a 16-16 record last season. That wasn't even good enough to make it to NIT. Yet by halftime, the mid-major school held a three-point lead. That only continued to balloon throughout the second half. SCU led by as many as 19 points before settling on an 11-point victory and stunning the basketball hierarchy.

"It feels like they're more athletic at every position," said Bronco Doron Perkins.

"I don't think I'm very good, I just play hard," said Perkins' teammate, Travis Niesen.

What?! Guys that talk this way pulled off an upset of an ACC powerhouse? You better believe it.

By this time, you're saying that this happens every year, to basically every team. This won't have any affect on March. But even if fans don't see significance now, there are a group of eyes that do. They come from all corners of the country and will be ready to meet in about four months time at the NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis.

Although the tournament is a nice, tidy way to solve the issue of a national champion, getting 65 teams into a bracket is a little trickier. Sure, the selection committee will focus on the end of the college basketball season to check out who's on fire or putting out a cold shoulder. But not all good wins (or bad losses) come in mid-February.

For the victors, the game is not only a confidence-builder for them, but in the eyes of committee members. Being in a smaller conference, the Broncos won't get much tourney help from WCC games. However, a win of this magnitude puts Santa Clara on the map again (no postseason appearances since '95-'96). Of course, there are other statement games they can use to build a resume (Stanford, BYU, Arizona State). But for now, mission accomplished in terms of impression.

UNC, on the other hand, hopes that either they or Santa Clara can run the table. Don't expect the Tar Heels to miss the Big Dance, but don't count on any style points for this game, either. In the event that a No. 1 seeding, or even a tournament spot, is on the line, you wouldn't want your season-opening upset to keep you out of the Madness.

For those out there who are still bored to tears, you have a point. This surprise will more than likely get washed away in the span of 25-30 games over the season. However, you shouldn't think that few significant contests are played this early. Every basketball game is important to somebody, if not everybody.

Posted by Jonathan Lowe at 12:03 PM | Comments (0)

NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 12 (Pt. 1)

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Indianapolis @ Detroit

Peyton Manning can't help but admire the Thanksgiving spread before him: the Detroit Lions' defense.

"Mmmm. Mmmm. Delicious!" Manning exclaims. "I can taste victory already, and I think I detect the distinct aroma of burned Detroit Lions' secondary. "

Manning is, however, overcome by an uneasy feeling when he sees Indiana Pacers Ron Artest, Jermaine O'Neal, and Stephen Jackson roaming the Colts' sideline wearing "Security" jackets and wielding billy clubs.

Manning shrugs off his uneasiness temporarily, intent on completing his task at hand.

"That's breaking Dan Marino's single-season touchdown record," adds Manning. "Fourteen more to go, Danny, and the record is mine. I bet you're sweating in your Isotoners."

Manning's feeling of dread returns when he heads to the sideline after a touchdown pass to Marvin Harrison. Behind the bench, Manning notices Artest, Jackson, and O'Neal viewing a video tape on a sideline monitor titled "The Hell's Angels' Guide to Event Security: Friendly Usage of Pool Cues, Brass Knuckles, and Knives."

"Damn, that's scary," Manning observes. "I can't believe that whole brawl started because Ben Wallace accused Artest of stealing a sample from Wallace's rap album Yo! Bum Rush the 'Fro. All of this will just put a damper on the fact that two great rap albums from NBA stars will be hitting the airwaves soon."

Manning then casually tosses a cup of Gatorade over his shoulder, innocently splashing Artest, who was lying on the training table boning up on his anger management skills from a self-help book by Yosemite Sam. Mayhem ensues, as the suspended Pacer charges the stands, followed by his posse. Manning and the Colts are oblivious to the carnage in the stands, and continue their methodical destruction of the Lions. Manning finishes with four TDs, pushing his total to 39. The Colts defense plays well for the third-straight game, forcing four turnovers.

Colts win, 35-14.

Artest, Jackson, and O'Neal have their suspensions amended to include banishment from all sporting events, rap concerts, and The Source Music Awards.

Chicago @ Dallas

The Bears and Cowboys were blasted last week by 31 and 20 points by the Colts and Ravens, respectively, which can mean only one thing: disrespect.

"It hurts to see two teams of which I have such fond memories reduced to such pathetic rubble," explains Bear and Cowboy great Mike Ditka. "That's why it's a good thing to have a tablet of Levitra on hand. I drop one of these pills and immediately, everything is looking up. I won't even think about football for the next 36 hours. However, it would be nice to find me a lady friend with whom to spend those cherished hours. That's where my colleague on the 'Open Mike' segment of ESPN's Monday Night Countdown comes in handy."

Ditka then removes a genie lamp from his coat jacket, applies a brisk rubbing, and out pops Michael Irvin, who, with a snap of his fingers and a wink of his eye, supplies Ditka with a harem of beauties.

"I'm happy for Mike," adds Bill Parcells, "and I wish I could ditch my team and join the Levitra lovefest. But I haven't yet given up on my Cowboys, although I'm dangerously close."

Indeed, Parcells has become increasingly frustrated with the play of his defense, although no one on the team has escaped culpability.

"Vinny Testaverde has really dropped the ball as of late," Parcells explains. "Literally and figuratively. Interceptions, overthrows, bad decisions ... aww, who am I kidding? Have you seen the Mavericks' new jerseys designed by that P. Diddly fellow? Awful! Just awful! I can't coach in a town where the basketball team wears uniforms that look like something out of The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh movie. I quit!"

Moments later, Parcells returns, and says, "Just kidding! I wanted to see Jerry Jones squirm."

Well, Bill, you're in luck, because the wormy Jones is always squirming. And Parcells will keep him squirming, but will return next season to coach the Cowboys.

And, despite consuming an entire turkey at lunch and napping through the first half, Parcells awakens in time to lead the Cowboys to a 20-17 comeback win over the Bears. Julius Jones rushes for 96 yards and a touchdown.

Parcells then finds Ditka and the two legends talk football for 24 hours, oblivious the half-naked, gorgeous harem girls in sheer fabric dancing around them.

Posted by Jeffrey Boswell at 10:34 AM | Comments (0)

November 23, 2004

NFL Week 11 Power Rankings

Five Quick Hits

* Ten years ago, officials used to rule that passes were uncatchable, and pass interference would not be called. These days, the ball can be 10 yards into the stands, and you'll still see a flag.

* What on earth happened to Phil Dawson this week?

* Does anyone care about Mic'd Up or Wired or whatever it is? What a boring, useless feature.

* The list of Hall of Fame nominees has been narrowed to 25. Here are the 13 who I'd support to join the two Senior Candidates as finalists: Dan Marino, Steve Young, Michael Irvin, Art Monk, Bob Kuechenberg, Chris Doleman, Harry Carson, Randy Gradishar, Derrick Thomas, Lester Hayes, Roger Wehrli, Don Coryell, and George Young.

* If Art Modell is a finalist ahead of someone like Coryell, all the selectors should be replaced. Modell belongs in Canton like Ron Artest belongs on a sportsmanship committee.

ESPN's Sunday Night announcers acted more like cheerleaders during the Packers/Texans game this week. Despite that defenses dominated for the first 3½ quarters and David Carr had an unspectacular game, they stuck to a script that gushed over the quarterbacks, drooling at every opportunity.

Paul Maguire even declared that Brett Favre runs the best two-minute drill in the NFL, and Mike Patrick claimed that he runs the best ever. Well, I would definitely put Tom Brady and Peyton Manning ahead of Favre today, and historically, Johnny Unitas and John Elway come to mind.

Patrick, whom I used to like, has become the single worst announcer in the NFL. Even forgetting that he's a hype machine and provides no analysis, he is consistently wrong. For example, in the fourth quarter of Sunday's game, when Ahmad Carroll stopped a Houston end around for a loss, Patrick proclaimed that the play hadn't worked all day. The first two times Houston ran it, the play gained nine and six yards, respectively. That's pretty good.

Furthermore, each time, Jabar Gaffney had one man to beat. Only great defense by Al Harris saved a huge gain or a touchdown. That's a play I'd keep running, too. One tackle away from a TD, in a close game, is a chance worth taking.

On to the power rankings, where tradition dictates that brackets show last week's rank.

1. New England Patriots [2] -- The rankings in this column are based on how well teams are playing right now, and right now no one looks better than New England. The Patriots are obviously vulnerable with injuries in the secondary, but the whole team just looks so together. To borrow an overused cliché, New England knows how to win.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers [1] -- Had some trouble in the red zone against Cincinnati, which made the game look closer than it was. Nonetheless, one fluke play and the Bengals win. And how did they let Cincy sack Ben Roethlisberger seven times? When you've got a QB like Big Ben, you should follow Boomer Esiason's advice to his offensive linemen, from when Boomer was Bengals QB in the late 1980s. If it comes down to a sack or a hold, hold. You'll lose about 10 yards either way, but on holding penalties you don't lose a down and your QB stays fresh.

3. Philadelphia Eagles [3] -- Last week, I didn't mention the steamy MNF pregame teaser. I don't normally discuss that sort of thing anyway, but the real reason is that I hadn't seen it. I always tune in to MNF at least five minutes late so I don't have to sit through those things. Now that the controversy is big news, I have seen it, and here is my take.

I find the skit somewhat offensive. I think it's sexist. As for the sexual content, though, I don't see the big deal. Watch any NFL game and you'll see ads for erectile dysfunction, extremely suggestive beer ads, and maybe even that awful new commercial in which a woman's jeans are ripped off to reveal her underwear. All of which lends some credence to the idea that negative reaction to the promo has been based on race, not sex. It's a mistake to dismiss the idea that race has been the biggest issue in all of this, because frankly, I can't think of any other explanation.

4. Indianapolis Colts [4] -- I heard a comment on television this week implying that Peyton Manning has the greatest supporting cast ever assembled. That is nonsense. Bob Griese played with Hall of Famers Larry Csonka, Paul Warfield, Jim Langer, and Larry Little, plus Pro Bowlers Mercury Morris and Bob Kuechenberg. Terry Bradshaw had Mike Webster, Franco Harris, Lynn Swann, and John Stallworth. What about the '98 Vikings, with Robert Smith, Randy Moss, Cris Carter, Jake Reed, and three Pro Bowl offensive linemen? Manning has good teammates on offense, but nothing like that.

5. Baltimore Ravens [6] -- The passing game has been somewhat effective recently, and Baltimore has now won five of its last six. The Ravens have remaining road games at New England, Indianapolis, and Pittsburgh, but their three home games are against teams with a combined record of 10-20. If they can manage even one more road victory, the Ravens should make the playoffs.

6. San Diego Chargers [5] -- The good news is that San Diego has won four games in a row. The bad news is that those games were against Carolina, New Orleans, and Oakland twice. The schedule will get tougher before the end of the season, and 10-6 might be enough to make the postseason, but it also might not.

7. Green Bay Packers [9] -- Patrick also mentioned Brett Favre's records on Sunday night, but I'd be willing to bet he doesn't know what records Favre holds. There's the consecutive games played by a quarterback (199), of course. Favre also has the most consecutive playoff games with a TD pass (15). He is tied with nine other guys for longest pass completion (99 yards), with Unitas and Steve Young for most seasons leading the league in TDs (4), and with three players for most interceptions in a playoff game (6).

8. Atlanta Falcons [10] -- Michael Vick had another unbelievable game. Vick is Bobby Douglass, if Douglass could throw. Vick can throw, but it's worrisome that he only completes 12.2 passes per game. It sounds weird to call the offense "limited," since it possesses a dimension no other team has, but I think that label is pretty accurate.

9. Denver Broncos [11] -- A little consistency might take the Broncos a long way, but in the mean time, two spectacular weeks on offense have kept them on top of the AFC West. They play at San Diego in two weeks, and a win would give Denver the inside track to its first division title since 1998.

10. New York Jets [7] -- The Jets, Ravens, Chargers, and Broncos all winning this week effectively seals off the AFC playoffs. Besides the teams above, the contenders are New England, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, and Jacksonville. Those eight teams are fighting for six spots. Everyone else is out. New York has winnable games coming up, but the sooner Chad Pennington is healthy, the better.

11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers [15] -- For a defense-oriented team, Tampa has scored a lot lately, with over 30 points in two of its last three games. The Bucs are the lowest-scoring team (192) with a positive point differential (+10).

12. Buffalo Bills [14] -- Yet to win a road game this season, but they're 4-2 at home. I wouldn't want to play the Bills at Ralph Wilson. Unfortunately for Buffalo, four of the next five are on the road.

13. Jacksonville Jaguars [8] -- 6-4 is pretty good, but the AFC is too competitive for .600 to be playoff material. The Jags opened 5-2, but if they don't beat Minnesota next week, they'll be watching the postseason from home. Jacksonville hasn't scored 30 points in a game this season.

14. Minnesota Vikings [12] -- Coming off of three losses and a narrow victory over Detroit. The offense clearly misses Randy Moss, and the defense badly needs Alan Page and Carl Eller. Daunte Culpepper led the team in rushing this week.

15. Houston Texans [13] -- At the beginning of every Sunday night telecast, ESPN brags about its camera that offers terrific angles. During the second half of this week's game, Joe Theismann was trying to talk about Jamie Sharper's role in a play, but Sharper couldn't be seen in either of the two replays shown. On the same play, Maguire talked about another player who didn't appear on camera. Great angles that show you only Brett Favre.

16. St. Louis Rams [16] -- Undefeated in their division and 1-5 against everyone else. The Rams have lost three of their last four games, and it's going to be four out of five after they visit Lambeau Field next week.

17. Kansas City Chiefs [17] -- Two plays stand out to me from this week's MNF. One is Deion Branch's touchdown run, and the awful tackling Kansas City's defense displayed. The other is a Daniel Graham sideline catch on which Kawika Mitchell apparently thought he was playing two-hand touch. After Graham beat him in coverage, Mitchell laid hands on Graham and then stopped.

18. Cincinnati Bengals [18] -- This week's defeat against the Steelers was only their second loss at home. Which is good, because the Bengals probably don't have another winnable road game all season: Baltimore, New England, and Philadelphia await.

19. Seattle Seahawks [21] -- Not only did Trent Dilfer throw the passes, he was their second-leading rusher. Seattle has only played one game against a team that is currently over .500.

20. Tennessee Titans [27] -- Last week, they lost to Chicago at home, and this week, they beat Jacksonville on the road. As someone trying to evaluate the team's strength, I find that very annoying. The Titans might not be deserve to be so high, but with Steve McNair back and other teams struggling, they get a big jump.

21. Cleveland Browns [20] -- Normally a team that has lost four games in a row is ranked significantly lower than this. But Cleveland's losses were to Philly, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, and the Jets, all of whom are ranked in my top 10. The Browns have a rough schedule.

22. Arizona Cardinals [19] -- Most coaches change quarterbacks when the team is struggling, hoping to orchestrate a momentum change. Dennis Green changed quarterbacks during his team's best stretch in years, orchestrating a momentum change.

23. New York Giants [24] -- Eli Manning didn't have a terrible game, but with Kurt Warner playing, the Giants might have won on Sunday. Manning was intercepted twice, completed fewer than half his passes, and averaged under 4.5 yards per attempt (which is miserable). Getting Little Manning some experience is great, but the Giants are in playoff contention, and it's not clear that Manning gives the team a better chance than Warner does.

24. Chicago Bears [25] -- Allowed 41 points against Indianapolis, their season-high by two touchdowns. The defense isn't entirely to blame, though, because Craig Krenzel committed four turnovers.

25. New Orleans Saints [22] -- It would be shocking if Jim Haslett coaches this team next season. Aaron Brooks may be earning himself a short leash, too. He might not get more than one year to impress a new coach.

26. Washington Redskins [26] -- Now the lowest-scoring team in the NFL. There's no question that the team is better with Patrick Ramsey under center, but gosh, neither QB has gotten any help from his linemen or receivers.

27. Detroit Lions [23] -- The offense and defense may stink, but the special teams are terrific. That's small consolation to a team that's at least 2/3 stinky.

28. Carolina Panthers [30] -- Won two in a row for the first time since last year's playoffs. The Panthers have scored 72 points in the last two weeks, and 124 in their other eight games combined. A win next week against TB will merit a steep climb in the rankings.

29. Oakland Raiders [29] -- Six losses in the last seven games, and they're not even in the 30s. Notice that no ones talks about parity this year.

30. Dallas Cowboys [28] -- Really, they could be 32nd. No one is playing worse right now. Only two teams (NO and SF) have allowed more points, and only the 49ers have a worse point differential. Dallas is at -110.

31. Miami Dolphins [32] -- Simply for comparison above and below, Miami's opponents have outscored it by 70 this season.

32. San Francisco 49ers [31] -- In addition to their league-worst point differential of -121, the Niners also have the longest active losing streak in the NFL.

Posted by Brad Oremland at 4:06 PM | Comments (2)

A Moment of Gratitude

It's not often that I get to break earth-shattering news in my column, but here it is. Several Indiana Pacers attacked fans who threw things at them last Friday, resulting in several lengthy suspensions and the creation of a new sports scandal for ESPN to bludgeon us with every night. Remember, you heard it here first.

I was glued to my TV Friday night, along with many sports fans. I reveled in the situation, especially when some hardguy felt it was his place to come on the court to cool things off. Watching him get obliterated by Ron Artest and Jermaine O'Neal was great television; I almost expected to see a smiling Vince McMahon come strutting out of the tunnel and start exchanging high-fives with Artest and O'Neal while talking smack to a knocked out Detroit fan.

I immediately called my friend and he too became glued to the TV. It was hard not to become enamored with the situation, which will soon be labeled with some sort of -gate name (similarly to Janet Jackson's nipplegate). My money is going with "Pacersgate," "Artestgate," or "Attacking stupid fans who throw things on the court and absolutely pummeling anyone who thinks they belong on the court during the melee-gate."

After about half an hour of the mind-numbing nonstop coverage, my friend called me and said that he was fed up with it. We ended up abandoning the TVs and discussed the state of sports during a walk to clear our heads. To be honest, I ignored the majority of the conversation, as I was still replaying the entire Pacersgate saga in my mind. While he was debating about how society was going to be affected, my mind kept drifting to the fans getting beaten worse than Tonya Harding's ex-husband.

Eventually, I started listening when he began talking about soldiers in Iraq. I frantically went over scenarios in my head about how we got to this topic from "Artestgate", but I merely improvised by giving the occasional nod while listening to him. My friend began talking about how the real role models in this country were the men and women who were giving up their lives to defend our way of life. Ultimately, our conversation moved him to send several care packages to troops overseas to show his gratitude for their service.

After the conversation, as I turned my attention back to "(insert clever -gate name here)", I began to think that my friend was right. Now, this isn't a column about how sports and games don't matter (they are much more than that to many, many people), but too often it seems like we take our soldiers for granted.

You see a lot of yellow ribbons on cars, which is great, but there is more that people could do. My friend used TreatAnySoldier.com to send his care packages and they were extremely helpful. I think it's important that people show their gratitude for the people who let us live our lives without fear (well, I guess there is always fear of drunk fans and Ron Artest). These people let us live in our world where the most important thing that happens is a fight between players and fans.

I don't often stray from the sports world and go on rants like these, but I think that it's fitting for this time of year. Many people will be thousands of miles away from loved ones during the holidays, some for the first time. It doesn't matter if you do or don't support the war, supporting our men and women who bravely give up their lives to keep us safe is something entirely different.

Do what you can, write a letter, send a care package (www.AnySoldier.com) or just say a prayer for our men and women overseas. If you send a package before Dec. 5, it should be reach Iraq before Christmas. A moment of gratitude can go a long way.

Again, next week, I will get back to the regular column. You may now turn back to your regularly scheduled coverage of "Attacking stupid fans who throw things on the court and absolutely pummeling anyone who thinks they belong on the court during the melee-gate."

Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].

Posted by Mark Chalifoux at 12:20 PM | Comments (0)

Motown Brawl Leaves Us All Battered

I don't know who to blame. Probably everybody.

I don't know who to agree with. Maybe nobody.

I don't know who was right or who was wrong, whose reaction was justified and whose was groundless.

I do know who lost in the wake of Friday's melee in Detroit. We did. Sports fans, Americans, adults, kids, men, women, athletes, fans -- all of us lost something.

We lost some measure of innocence that allowed us to believe professional athletes really care about the fans. We lost sight of the meaning of respect, watching it fall like the showers of beer and popcorn that rained down on Indiana players as they exited the floor. We lost some dignity, we lost some faith. We lost perspective. We lost some part of the point of view that lets us see sports as an escape from the real world, a place where we can go to get away from our problems and the problems of a society.

The athletes directly involved lost huge doses of respect. Ron Artest was already viewed as a bad apple. Now he looks insane. The rest of the players involved in the fray will no longer be admired or revered -- heroes once, now goats. And by extension, all athletes will feel the ripples. Even the good ones -- the ones who really care about the fans -- they'll feel it, too.

As for the sports fans, we lost a part of ourselves. We may never be seen by others in the same light and we may never see ourselves in the same light.

Nevermind the fact that only a few fans actually took part in the insanity Friday night. In much the same way that athletes with no connection to the brawl will be seen differently, so too will fans with no connection.

We'll be seen as hecklers and instigators, disrespectful and mean-spirited. We'll be seen as drunks who have no fear of crossing the line. We'll be seen as people ready for a fight, ready to attack when we see something we don't like.

Of course, some fans have been like this for a long time. But they were just the bad apples. Now, figuratively if not literally, the bad apples have risen to the top of the crate. They're the models now. They're what people see as the typical sports fan.

The real sports fans will be in the background, doing what we've always done -- supporting our team no matter what, respecting our opponents, respecting other fans, and looking up to the athletes we cheer so hard for.

Hopefully, the non-sports fans among us will be able to see through the layers of idiocy to get a glimpse of us. Only then can the image change.

But even then, the image may persist because on some level, you can't change an image if you believe it yourself. If the real sports fans start to slide toward the bad apples' way of doing things, even if they slide just a tiny bit by booing more or ratcheting up the heckling, we'll start to see ourselves differently.

So what can be done? I wish there were concrete answers.

Teams can take some measures to prevent similar incidents, but that won't erase the memory of this one. It's already emblazoned in our minds.

Athletes can try to reach out to fans, but I wouldn't blame them if they didn't want to.

Leagues can do all they can to change the culture, but that won't come easily.

And so it falls to us, the fans. The real fans.

I'd say ignore the bad apples, but that won't solve anything. I'd say support our teams and athletes no matter what, but that won't cut down on the suspicion athletes are sure to harbor from this point forward.

The only thing I can really say is keep doing what we've always done. And maybe in the end, good will win out.

I hope, for everybody's sake, that it does. I hope that we can move on and get past this incident. I hope we can stop arguing about who's to blame and realize the future is what matters. I hope we can do something to stem the tide and patch up the rift between players and fans that is sure to keep growing.

And I hope, more than anything, that those kids in the stands Friday in Detroit -- the ones we saw on SportsCenter with tears in their eyes, fear in their hearts, and painful memories crystallizing in their minds -- I hope they won't turn their backs on sports based on this one terrible incident.

We've already lost enough. We can't afford to lose them, too.

Posted by William Geoghegan at 12:01 PM | Comments (1)

November 22, 2004

A T.O. to Kill

I loved that movie. You remember it? The flick centered around Carl Lee Hailey, on trial for his life, charged with killing the men who raped his little girl.

"A Time To Kill" starred Samuel L. Jackson as Carl Lee, Matthew McConaughey as Jake Brigance, and Sandra Bullock as Ro-Ark.

As much as I'd like to believe that the Terrell Owens fiasco is stirring controversy purely because of indecency, there is that nagging feeling that the interracial aspect of the skit may have some bearing.

Tony Dungy and a few others would like to have you believe that the skit was stereotypical of the black athlete with white women, but should one really read that much into it?

Let's say that there is nothing wrong with the skit itself and it was just a veiled promo spot for "Desperate Housewives." Whatever the purpose of the skit is, Nicollette Sheridan is going to remove her towel for someone on a football team.

I want you to name what star from the Dallas Cowboys or Philadelphia Eagles should have been in Owens' place.

Exactly.

You have two choices. Donovan McNabb or Owens. It would have been outright stupid to put Vinny Testaverde in there, wouldn't you say?

But, Testaverde is white so maybe we wouldn't be having this conversation if he had been the one standing in front of a nude Sheridan, right?

I can't answer that, because the fact remains that it was Owens in the racy skit. Owens is always in the middle of some type of controversy and it is always because of his own doing.

However, Owens is not to blame for the skit and I'm on his side this time.

I invite you to take a ride with me to a mock courtroom, where I will take the role of Jake Brigance, preparing to give that summation at the end of the trial that set Carl Lee Hailey free.

I hope it does the same for Terrell Owens.

The following is a parody of the real summation given in the movie.

"I want to tell you a story. I'm going to ask you all to close your eyes while I tell you the story. I want you to listen to me. I want you to listen to yourselves. Go ahead. Close your eyes, please."

"This is a story about a football player walking into a board room and being asked to film a promotion spot for Monday Night Football. I want you to picture this football player. Suddenly, at the beginning of a game, a skit comes up. That football player and a white woman are in a locker room. She is dressed only in her towel. They talk for a moment and she tells him she loves him."

"First, he rejects her and tries to continue to prepare himself for the game. In fact, he even tried to walk away. The woman suddenly does the unthinkable, shattering everything innocent and pure with a vicious thrust of removing her towel and letting it drop to the floor. And when she's done, after she's killed his will to play football, she jumps into his arms, stark naked and prevents him from playing in the game."

"But, that never really happened, you see. Lost in the fog of that skit, it may have been lost that the same football player went on to score three touchdowns, with three unique celebrations."

"After the first score, he pretended to skate in the end zone after, he faked an argument with McNabb, on the sideline, paying homage to their real confrontation from last week."

"The second was to mock his own infamous celebration as a San Francisco 49er and stood on the small star logo painted on a helmet in the end zone instead of the one at the 50-yard line."

"On the third, he simply dunked the ball over the goalpost."

"Not a very likable guy, is he? On top of that he's a black athlete and he's charged with making the skit, in which he's on trial for today."

"Can you see him?"

"His raped, beaten, broken body soaked in the urine of the FCC, soaked in the nations' prejudice, soaked in his blood, left to die."

"Can you see him?"

"I want you to picture that football player."

"Now imagine he's white."

Posted by Damian Greene at 2:51 PM | Comments (3)

D-Backs Axing Backman Typifies Double Standard

Many have commented this past couple of weeks regarding the status of Wally Backman's hiring and then almost immediate firing by the Arizona Diamondbacks. What is disturbing is that there seems to be a double standard of requirements in order to play or even own a Major League Baseball club, versus being a field manager hoping to make his mark. Further, having been an outstanding employee of the organization that later lets you go, is also beguiling.

Wally Backman was ordained the 2004 Minor League Manager of the Year, having been the Diamondback's Class A field manager. Prior to that, he spent seven years with the Chicago White Sox' minor league clubs, and received stellar reviews as he was becoming groomed for the majors. (It had been public knowledge back then of Backman's legal troubles.) But having been an integral part of the 1986 World Champion Mets, Backman dedicated his life to baseball and continued to forge ahead.

Major League Baseball, as an entity, seems to have no written standard for its players or managers regarding their past unethical or illegal behaviors for which they have paid their dues and have supposedly reformed their illicit behaviors. In fact, MLB leaves these judgments up to the teams' owners and managements. Perhaps that should change. There should not be a different standard for management, upper management, and their players. If there was perhaps a consistent standard, we would all benefit as consumers of the sport as well as a society.

If the issues of public drunkenness, DWIs, assault, domestic violence, and irresponsible money management meant being banned from playing Major League Baseball, face it: there wouldn't be enough players to field 28 teams, let alone front offices which may have secured deals with authorities to cover up their own such transgressions.

The point is, had Billy Martin put his hat in the ring for the Diamondback's job, he would have been refused the job. Or would he have been?

Have the Diamondbacks just suddenly become moralists, or did they just become sour on Backman for some other reason or due to public sentiment? After all, as Backman voluntarily explained himself on ESPN this week; he had a DWI in 1999, was hit with a restraining order in 1995, and supposedly then broke that restraining order during a testy divorce proceeding, and then was booked for assault.

We have not been privy to much more detail than that, but it seems that Atlanta manager Bobby Cox would have had a tough time being forgiven, had the Atlanta Braves had the same policy in place as the Diamondbacks.

Additionally, Backman filed for personal bankruptcy within the past few years. (I must have missed the news flash about bankruptcy being illegal.) After all, in the corporate world CEOs get rewarded when they decide on bankruptcy in order to "save" their companies.

But we need not go down the list of all of the troubles MLB players get into, that is those which become public, and then are forgiven. The name Darryl Strawberry neatly sums it all up. And lest we forget, as far as owners go, George Steinbrenner has a tax evasion felony on his record, too, not to mention the whole Dave Winfield fiasco in which he immersed himself.

So which will it be? If you're a rich ballplayer, (usually denoting a valuable player) or a rich owner or a winning manager, do you get a pass? You bet! But if you are still an unproven commodity in the major leagues, take a number.

But more importantly, was it that the Diamondbacks failed to do a background check on Backman, or that they had the information and when they floated it found that public scrutiny did not hold up?

We cannot have a different set of rules for different individuals, especially after they have made amends, have done penance, and have now veered their lives on a new course. We give employees, family, and friends second and third chances every day of the year. And a good many of them are politicians and government officials, CEOs, college coaches, celebrities, recording artists, and athletes.

If the Wally Backman firing is the new norm, then make it the organization's mandate or a MLB mandate. But let us not pick and choose on an individual basis who is subject to one set of rules and those who are subject to another set. Major League Baseball owes us more than that. Bud Selig, are you listening?

Posted by Diane M. Grassi at 12:45 PM | Comments (0)

November 20, 2004

Throwdown in Motown

The National Hockey League is on strike, but couldn't the NBA come up with a better way to attract fans than this?

What looked like an ordinary game between Eastern Conference rivals Indiana and Detroit turned into a violent and disgraceful brawl. Unsurprisingly, the man in the middle of the action was Indiana's Ron Artest. It looks like he'll have plenty of time to promote his rap album with his indefinite suspension now. Others involved were the Pacers' Jermaine O'Neal, Stephen Jackson, and the Pistons' Ben Wallace.

After Artest was provoked by a fan with a beer cup while on the scorer's table, he rushed into the stands to "defend" himself. It doesn't matter what is said or done, Artest is a professional (or supposed to be one) and he should show more restraint. There is no excuse to lose it like that and start attacking fans. What made it worse was Artest in fact attacked the wrong fan.

At this point as I watched it live on ESPN (by chance), I couldn't believe what I was watching. It's one thing to see a scuffle between players on the court ... but to see fans and players going at it, and actual fists, chairs, and who knows what else being thrown was beyond imagination. I couldn't believe my eyes and started telling friends to quickly turn on ESPN -- something big was happening. It was one of those moments you knew was destined to remain in memory for years.

Perhaps the most frightening feeling from the whole mess was that even as a viewer, you felt like the situation was out of control and couldn't be contained. Where would it go next? Would a child or elderly person get seriously hurt? Thankfully, there were no serious injuries, but the sight of a young boy crying to (presumably) his father was quite representative of how disgraceful this was. The boy came to see a game, and found himself in the middle of a frightening crime scene. NBA games are supposed to be safe and suitable family outings, but incidents like this one will make people think twice about paying for already inflated ticket prices.

Alcohol most certainly played a role in this, and fans who went on the court got what they deserved. However, how many more alcohol-driven incidents like this will the sporting world have to endure before there is some limit to the distribution of alcohol? It's a shame because only a few irresponsible drunken idiots can ruin it for everyone.

Teams must re-evaluate their stance on alcohol at games, because providing it at unlimited quantities is dangerous people some people obviously cannot act responsibly, and events like this break out. Unfortunately, nothing will likely be done because teams will lose money by limiting or getting rid of alcohol at games altogether. Once again, the almighty dollar will most likely prevail.

The NBA's players already had a less than flattering public image before they started punching fans and entering the stands. Just like the court of field is off-limits for fans, the stands are off-limits for players, and serious criminal penalties should be levied to the players (and fans) involved. We see them as overpaid, spoiled thugs, and after this, can you blame us? Just like not all fans are drunken idiots, not all players are overpaid, spoiled thugs, but the few offenders in each group certainly are ruining it for the rest.

This is a serious black eye for the NBA, at a time when it is particularly vulnerable. Let's hope this is the first and last brawl involving players and fans. What are your thoughts on the brawl? Who is to blame: players, fans, arena security, or all of them? Post your feedback below.

Posted by Marc James at 7:45 PM | Comments (5)

Terrible Towel-Dropping

Full disclosure: it was not my intention to use this week's column to address the unremitting controversy that is the Monday Night Football/Desperate Housewives/T.O./Nicolette Sheridan mess.

The whole thing set off my crap detector as being a prepackaged button-pusher invented to juice the ratings for ABC's franchise player and its hottest rookie. I imagined a room full of Disney interns calling the FCC at 9:02 PM EST on Monday night, doing their best Ned Flanders impressions and feigning hysteria with Talabanian tales of female turpitude. It's really no different than some production lackey leaking information about a racy sex scene or an on-set fight before a film is released to get the gossip rags buzzing.

I believe it was the late Irish poet Brendan Behan who said, "There is no such thing as bad publicity ... except your own obituary."

(And when I say, "I believe," I mean to say, "At least that's what Google told me when I entered 'bad publicity' and 'quotation.'")

But who am I to judge moral outrage? As the last election taught me, I have to be wary of my own arrogant and elitist "blue state" attitudes.

Sure, to me, any impertinence towards the MNF skit is hypocritical, idiotic, and actually quite pathetic.

Sure, to me, you're taking your children's morals into your own hands anytime you let them watch television after 9 PM.

Sure, to me, I've seen racier content on The Simpsons, Days of Our Lives and several shampoo commercials.

But hey, what do I know?

I voted for the other guy.

I wanted to find this moral outrage about the towel-tossing skit, to see it for myself. So I did what any elitist blue-stater would do in this situation: I turned on conservative talk radio.

And there they were, call after call after call on Washington's 630 AM, all of them begging for some smiting of ABC management or the NFL. All of them talking about how Americans "won't stand" for this continuing moral decline on our airwaves. All of them saying many of the same things that were heard after Jackson/Timberlake Affair last February, save for "where did she get that fabulous nipple clamp?"

Now that we've established that this skit actually insulted some of our puritanical friends, let's get specific, shall we?

1. The MNF intro sure was race-y, wasn't it?

Just like Kobe and the white girl, O.J. and the white girl, and Janet and the white boy...

Anyone who tells you there isn't a racial subtext to a black man being seduced by a white woman is l-y-i-n-g. Yes, I, too, would like to believe we've come a long, long way as a nation. But close your eyes and imagine if Brett Farve were standing there instead of T.O.

Think the FCC's phones are ringing off the hook for that one?

Now, let's be clear: claiming some of this "moral outrage" is fueled by suppressed bigotry is different than when Colts coach Tony Dungy comes out and claims the skit is Birth of a Nation, Version 2.0. "I think it's stereotypical in looking at the players, and on the heels of the Kobe Bryant incident I think it's very insensitive," he said.

While it did mimic the Kobe "incident" by having the white girl seduce the black athlete (according to Kobe's story at least), let's get real here: is Dungy actually saying it's just African-American jocks that get stereotyped as sex-crazed panty hounds?

Doesn't that generality apply to -- oh, I don't know -- any football player who ever tried out for his high-school team, in the hopes that he'd end up at the bottom of a cheerleader pyramid?

2. Michael Powell, chairman of the aforementioned FCC (Motto: "Defending Our Homeland from Baba-Booeys Since 1957"), said he was disappointed in ABC's judgement, adding that he wondered "if Walt Disney would be proud" of the skit.

Well, Mikey, if you were around back in 1953, Tinker Bell might have been fluttering around Neverland in a potato sack.

3. I'm really having a hard time sifting through the inconsistencies of this moral outrage.

Most of those who share my views are correctly asking whether a towel hitting the locker room floor is as offensive or provocative as those commercials on NFL games trumpeting a cure for erectile dysfunction. But the hypocrisy goes well beyond that fairly case-closed comparison.

This entire affair is yet another example of the types of things we accept or reject as a society. More specifically, we tolerate violence, but wage wars against sexuality. I blame the Baby Boomers. After decades of decadence, they're battling against the same sexual freedoms they once trumpeted because, one day, their child will ask them what an orgy is and, after 20 minutes of red-faced bumbling, they'll have to explain Woodstock.

In the Bible, violence is a means to an end (Despite the "Thou Shalt Not Kill" malarkey), while sexual expression is a sin. They even managed to find a way to have the hero of the Good Book conceived without a gratuitous sex scene!

We see these values affect everything from music to movies. Take this new "Alexander" flick Oliver Stone is doing. I bet there's a body count that dwarfs "Natural Born Killers." Yet all people want to talk about is trimming down the homosexual relationship depicted between Alexander and his male lover ... because that's more offense than a bloody bludgeoning.

We all tune in to Monday Night Football to watch a sport that glamorizes violence, brutality and, lately, anti-heroes like Terrell Owens. But the minute sexuality is added to the mix (in the form of someone other than a cheerleader or Michelle Tafoya), a segment of the population acts like someone pissed in their Cheerios.

Apathy towards violence, activism against sex.

Maybe Americans would have been more outraged about the Sudanese civil war if a few of the militants had dropped their guns and whipped out their genitals live on CNN.

Back to sports...

This is the second time the NFL has gotten slammed for corrupting America's youth through its "immoral" broadcasts. And this is the second time the NFL has hastily apologized.

So my question is: why does NASCAR get a pass?

Not for sex ... NASCAR is about as sexy as a trip to Jiffy Lube. But in the grand scheme of what does and does not affect impressionable young minds: What made booze more acceptable than boobs?

NASCAR recently said it will allow hard liquor advertising on its races, racers, and race cars. The move comes in the same year in which NASCAR made a much-applauded switch from tobacco to telecom as a sponsor for its championship racing series.

NASCAR races, by and large, do not come on TV after 9 PM. That's the time NBC decided would be the appropriate time after which to broadcast hard liquor ads back when it reversed a decades-old policy against the ads.

So young racing fans will get a gander at a pub's worth of spirit labels on any given weekend afternoon.

Oh, that's right, they already do:

This is the Matt Kenseth Crown Royal IROC Firebird. Or, at least, the toy version of it. It's available on NASCAR's official website, so your little driver-in-waiting can have all sorts of adventures with the Crown Royal car. Maybe you can even loan him your Dale, Jr. Budweiser die-cast toy car for some hard-livin' drag racin' fun.

After all, The Fast and the Furious was rated PG-13...

I wonder if the folks who were morally aggrieved by the MNF towel-drop can answer this question for me.

What's more offensive: a short skit that, at worst, might make little Billy check out Skin-emax while you're not looking ... or tire-to-tire endorsement of his favorite sport by hard liquor companies that, at worst, will encourage him to finish off that bottle of Kahlua you've been holding onto for a rainy-day White Russian?

Elitist blue-stater or not, I know my answer...

Random Thoughts

From the "You Can't Make This Stuff Up" Dept., here's an actual headline from Yahoo! Sports on Monday night:

Eagles suck the D out of Big D

Indeed...

Every time I think Gary Bettman's NHL can't embarrass itself any more, along comes news that the Tampa Bay Lightning were given their Stanley Cup rings in a private ceremony before heading across the street to a hotel for lunch.

Well, almost all of the Lightning -- Conn Smythe winner Martin St. Louis, goalie Nikolai Khabibulin, and star Vinny Lecavalier weren't there, as they have signed with European clubs during the lockout.

Pathetic ... although the 15 players in attendance represent a larger audience for hockey than ESPN2 had at any time last season...

Here's something that, had I said it, would have gotten me some quality time in a padded room about 15 years ago: Steve Spurrier will replace Lou Holtz as head football coach at the University of South Carolina.

School officials are confident Spurrier will do a great job, seeing as how the nearest NFL team is nearly 100 miles away...

Nike President Phil Knight announced this week he will step down from his position on Dec. 28.

You know, just a stab in the dark here, but I'm guessing he has a slightly better retirement plan than those five-year-old Indonesian girls who made the shoes he sold...

Finally, tennis star Maria Sharapova has signed on with Canon to promote its products worldwide.

In turn, Canon will now be known as "the Official Camera for Nude Maria Sharapova Beach Paparazzi Shots on the Internet"...

Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].

Posted by Greg Wyshynski at 2:13 PM | Comments (0)

It's the End of the Line, Evander

Evander Holyfield has been one of the greatest boxers of the last two decades, ever since he burst onto the scene at the 1984 Los Angeles Summer Olympics. Although not as heralded as some of the other members of that class, like Pernell Whitaker and Meldrick Taylor, Holyfield has forged a legend that can not be overlooked. His trilogy of bouts with Riddick Bowe will go down as one of the best rivalries in boxing history and helped define his career as a heavyweight.

He won the heavyweight championship of the world after reigning supreme as a cruiserweight and he's fought every prominent heavyweight of his era, from Mike Tyson to Lennox Lewis, usually with positive results. But lately, he's looked old and washed up. And an old, washed-up fighter is a dangerous fighter, if only because of the potential for permanent injury. And for that sake alone, Evander needs to wake up and realize it's over.

He's had a great career, winning considerably more often than he's lost, but the accumulation of hard-fought rounds has taken their toll. In his last few fights, his performance has been embarrassing. In his last fight Saturday night against a very ordinary Larry Donald, Holyfield landed an average of six punches per round. SIX! A one-armed fighter with vertigo could deliver more blows than that. In his previous fight before Donald, he was beaten handily by Chris Byrd. And before that, against James Toney, he was so outmatched his trainer threw in the towel rather than allow his fighter absorb more punishment.

However, in true alternate universe logic, Holyfield blamed his poor performances on back spasms (Donald), a bum left shoulder (Byrd), and leg cramps (Lewis). These are all signs of an aging boxer's body breaking down, but Evander would like us all to believe that he's just suffered from a long run of bad luck.

Evander is traveling down a dangerous path. Boxers before him have denied the effects of Father Time and have continued to fight, often with devastating consequences. Evander need only look to boxing history to see the debilitating effects hanging around too long has on a fighter.

Muhammad Ali once was the most loquacious and electrifying athletes of all-time. However, age and the accrued punishment of three hellacious wars with Joe Frazier, not to mention the Rumble in the Jungle with George Foreman, eventually caught up to him and reduced him to a shell of his former self.

If Evander has any doubts about what a formerly great champion looks like against a younger, better-conditioned fighter, he should sit down on his couch and pop in a tape of Ali's last fight against an almost apologetic Larry Holmes.

It's sad that boxers, and athletes in general, rarely realize when it's time to quit. Luckily, the New York State Athletic Commission stepped up and suspended Holyfield indefinitely. With all the other state athletic commissions following suit, Holyfield is, in effect, barred from fighting in this country, which is a good thing. Since Holyfield is unable, and unwilling, to do the deed himself, someone needed to intervene on his behalf and make the decision for him.

Boxing isn't a sport that lends itself too often to compassion, but by suspending Holyfield, the NYSAC has shown just that ... especially when there are promoters out there who will continue to ride him until he drops. (Are you listening, Don King?)

Evander, you've had an amazing career. No one will ever be able to take that away from you and us. Your accomplishments are worthy of enshrinement in the Hall of Fame. Stop now so you'll at least be able to enjoy your induction ceremony. The time is now, Evander. Come back to our world and you'll realize that it's time, too.

Posted by Eric Williams at 12:50 PM | Comments (0)

November 19, 2004

The Theory of Contraction

The Hockey News recently published a magazine with a series of hypothetical debates. While this is primarily something to fill the void as the current lockout continues, the debates to bring up several interesting talking points.

Among the highly-contested issues is whether the NHL should have ever expanded. A surprising majority of hockey writers maintained that the NHL should have remained a 21 team league -- that means no San Jose Sharks, Tampa Bay Lightning, Ottawa Senators, Florida Panthers, Anaheim Mighty Ducks, Minnesota Wild, Columbus Blue Jackets, Atlanta Thrashers, or Nashville Predators. These advocates feel that the talent pool has been diluted to such an extent that chopping off a third of the league is necessary.

Twenty-one-team supporters don't take into account that many players come from the United States and Europe. Considering the league first expanded into San Jose in 1991, that's over a decade of European and American-born talent that moved into the league. Saying that there should only be 21 teams means that players such as Marian Gaborik, Markus Naslund, Peter Forsberg, Ilya Kovalchuk, Chris Drury, Scott Gomez, Brian Rafalski, and Rick Dipietro have not contributed to the league.

These writers do make a point in that the league expanded much too quickly. Canadian players make up roughly half of the NHL, down from around 70% in the early '90s. To make up for that, the league should have expanded by 20%, as well. That would account for 25 teams, but let's round that up to 26 teams just to make things even.

Going by this logic, the Thrashers, Predators, Wild, and Blue Jackets should never have existed. If these franchises never came into being, the NHL landscape could look wildly (no pun intended) different. Let's look at the amount of NHL caliber players each team carries, discounting marginal talent and NHL/AHL borderline players using last season's roster.

Atlanta Thrashers (16 players)

Forwards: Ilya Kovalchuk, Shawn McEachern, Slava Kozlov, Marc Savard, Patrik Stefan, Dany Heatley, Randy Robitaille, Serge Aubin

Defense: Frantisek Kaberle, Andy Sutton, Daniel Tjarnqvist, Ivan Majesky, Chris Tamer

Goal: Pasi Nurminen, Byran Dafoe, Kari Lehtonen

Nashville Predators (16 players)

Forwards: Steve Sullivan, Scott Malker, Martin Erat, David Legwand, Vladimir Orszagh, Scott Hartnell, the late Sergei Zholtok, Greg Johnson, Denis Arkhipov, Rem Murray

Defense: Marek Zidlicky, Kimmo Timonen, Dan Hamhuis, Jason York, Mark Eaton

Goal: Tomas Vokoun

Minnesota Wild (15 players)

Forwards: Alexander Daigle, Andrew Brunette, Marian Gaborik, Antti Laaksonen, Pascal Dupis, Richard Park, Wes Walz, Jason Wiemer, Marc Chouinard

Defense: Filip Kuba, Andrei Zyuzin, Nick Schultz, Willie Mitchell

Goal: Dwayne Roloson, Manny Fernandez

Columbus Blue Jackets (14 players)

Forwards: Rick Nash, David Vyborny, Nikolai Zherdev, Todd Marchant, Trevor Letowski, Andrew Cassels, Manny Malhotra, Alex Svitov

Defense: Anders Eriksson, Jaroslav Spacek, Rostislav Klesla, Luke Richardson, Scott Lachance

Goal: Marc Denis

That's a total of 61 players here that would probably get an NHL job somewhere in the 26-team league. Essentially, most teams would get two more players, while a few would get three. If your team is carrying AHL-caliber players on its fourth line or last defensive pairing, this makes a world of difference.

If your team is one of the lucky ones that get upper level talent -- and if you're going by top two line forwards or top three defensemen, that's about a third of the talent here -- then your team suddenly gets a dramatic shot in the arm. Imagine Rick Nash playing alongside Olli Jokinen in Florida or Chris Pronger pairing with Marek Zidlicky in St. Louis.

Theoretical contraction to 26 teams essentially shifts off the very bottom rung of players and sends them back to the AHL. The adjustment of talent is subtle, but would have an overall positive effect on the league. However, the problems killing hockey these days are overcoaching and inferior officiating.

Would eliminating teams get rid of the neutral zone trap? Hockey writers in support of contraction would like to think so, but the truth of the matter is that the trap is a coaching tactic, not a measure of talent. It helps lesser-talented teams achieve victory, but plenty of talent-laden teams use it, as well.

Obstruction-hooking, clutching, grabbing-is the other primary evil in the NHL. If the refs called the rules instead of turning a blind eye to these minor infractions, speedy players would get more room to skate, forechecking would hit harder, and the pace would be faster. It may not necessarily generate more goals, but there would be increased flow to the game, which translates into excitement and entertainment for the fans.

Posted by Mike Chen at 12:30 PM | Comments (5)

November 18, 2004

NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 11

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Arizona @ Carolina

The Cardinals are riding a two-game winning streak, and, at 4-5, are only one game back of the division leaders, St. Louis and Seattle. How are the Cardinals doing it?

"With smoke and mirrors?" coach Dennis Green answers with a question of his own.

No.

"Black magic and sorcery?" Green asks.

No.

"Then what?"

Well, Dennis, I think it's a combination of a good defense, some timely Emmitt Smith rushing, and the fact that the Rams and Seahawks are the two most underachieving teams in the league. And, if I keep giving reasons for another ten or fifteen minutes, I'll eventually mention something about your coaching.

"Okay, I'll wait," Green replies.

All right. While you do that, I'll talk about the Panthers. If you thought the Panthers' injury situation couldn't get any worse, you were wrong. Quarterback Jake Delhomme is listed as "questionable" with a thumb injury.

"It's nothing serious," Delhomme says. "Nothing that a few days of soaking in Palmolive dish soap won't handle."

Carolina coach John Fox is not taking all of the injuries lying down.

"Oh no," replies Fox. "I've just signed a contract with Milton Bradley, the board game company, not the Los Angeles Dodger, to endorse a Carolina Panthers version of the game 'Operation.' It will feature Stephen Davis' knee, Steve Smith's fibula, DeShaun Foster's collarbone, Delhomme's thumb, Dan Morgan's head, and various other players' ailing body parts. Instead of hearing the traditional 'buzz' when you err in extracting the injured body part, you will hear the Panther 'roar.' If we can get the same suckers to buy this who also bought season tickets after we made the Super Bowl, I'll be a rich man."

I'm sure the Parker Brothers are shaking in their boots.

Injuries continue to plague the Panthers. Delhomme plays despite the injury, but is ineffective against the tough Cardinal defense. Troy Hambrick scores one touchdown and Anquan Boldin gets his first touchdown catch of the year.

Arizona wins and moves to 5-5 with a 26-16 win.

Dallas @ Baltimore

"It sickens me to think that the Dallas defense used to be known fondly as the 'Doomsday Defense,'" laments a frustrated Bill Parcells. "Now, they might as well be known as the 'Doris Day Defense', or, better yet, we could just call them 'Alice.'"

Alice? What the hell?

"Let me explain, you simpleton," retorts Parcells. "We just gave up 49 points to the Eagles at home. That should tell you one thing: there is no 'D' in Dallas. Hence, 'Alice.'"

Hey, Bill, I think I found the "D." Go to the "Total Defense" rankings on NFL.com and look towards the bottom of the list. You should find it there.

"I can totally relate to what Bill's going through," adds Raven coach Brian Billick. "We've been searching for the 'O' in Baltimore for years now. I don't think we'll ever find it, but luckily, what little offense we do have compliments our fabulous defense very well."

Uh, Brian, do you mean "complement", defined as "to make complete", as opposed to compliment?

"No, I mean 'compliment', as in our offense often says to our defense 'Thanks for putting us in the position of only having to move the ball five yards to be in field goal range. Great job' or 'You're awesome, Ed Reed. You just returned an interception for a touchdown. Now, we don't have to score, so get back on the field'. That's the 'compliment' I'm talking about."

The Baltimore defense does its usual job: forcing turnovers that lead to easy scores, which allows the Ravens to dominate time of possession later with Jamal Lewis. Lewis scores one touchdown; Kyle Boller adds another to his favorite target, Clarence Moore.

Ravens win, 23-7.

Denver @ New Orleans

New Orleans coach Jim Haslett's ass has cooled considerably since last week's victory over the Chiefs, which moved the Saints to 4-5 and much a part of the NFC wildcard playoff picture, along with about nine other teams. Off of the hot seat temporarily, Haslett can surely keep his job by leading the Saints to a playoff berth.

"Yes, isn't it amazing?" jokes Haslett. "I can go from 'nearly on the verge of being fired' to 'slim to moderate job security', all by just beating the 3-5 Chiefs. Ain't life grand?"

Yes, it must be, Jim. It will be even grander if you beat the Broncos Sunday, then beat the Falcons in Atlanta the following Sunday, then beat them again in New Orleans on December 26. That may get you to the playoffs.

"That's asking quite a bit of my players," Haslett replies, "and, as you know, I ask almost nothing of them."

And they usually deliver.

Denver running back Reuben Droughns enjoyed a few days off during the Broncos bye week, but couldn't wait to get back to practice and ready himself for the Saints.

"And when I say 'ready myself for the Saints', I mean I'll go ahead and reserve myself at least two game balls," Droughns explains. "New Orleans has the worst rushing defense in the league. This game will be like a walk-through in practice for me. I think I'll stuff a couple of flags in my waistband, because I know these guys can't tackle me."

Indeed, the Saints rush defense is plain awful, surrendering an average of 149 yards per game, and they have also given up ten runs of twenty or more yards.

"Hey, let's give equal time where equal time is due," says Haslett. "My pass defense is also last in the league."

"It sounds like Haslett's defense is worse than the Iraqi military's," Shanahan jokes. "I think we'll begin with a ground assault, then open things up with deep bombs."

In other words, Droughns plows through the Saints early, then Jake Plummer connects deep with Rod Smith and Ashley Lelie later.

Broncos win, 34-21.

Detroit @ Minnesota

"The hamstring is almost healed," says Randy Moss while adjusting his do-rag and inserting a diamond stud into his left earlobe. "But I'll still need one more week off for Randy to be 100%. That will also give me one extra week to mourn the passing of Ol' Dirty Bastard. I mean, damn, how will Wu-Tang continue to produce karate rap without the services of Ol' Dirty? I know there's about 45 other members of the Wu, but the music just won't be the same. It'll be like the Vikings playing without me."

Yes, Randy. Consider yourself the ODB of the Vikings. And you're right. Since your injury, you haven't been at full strength, and the Vikings have lost their last three.

"Damn, dog," replies Moss. "No need to feed the ego anymore. It's a bitch carrying this thing around as it is. But I'll tell you what, player. I'll give my boys one more week to right the ship without me. Then next week, I make my much-anticipated return to the lineup and lead the Vikes to the playoffs. And that's all under the condition that I don't tweak my 'string somewhere along the way."

Like the Vikings, the Lions have lost three in a row, and while they are only one game out of first in the NFC North, they are not in the same class as Green Bay and Minnesota.

"We're not complaining," says head coach Steve Mariucci. "If we're only one game out with Joey Harrington posting stats like 11-33 and 121 yards, and with the majority of our scoring coming on punt returns, then we've got to be happy with our position. You know, I'm very close to pulling Harrington in favor of Mike McMahon. I know Mike's ready for the change. In fact, I noticed him on the sidelines last week wearing a white headband with black letters reading 'Mariucci.' I think that means he wants some playing time."

Harrington should be able to pass against the Vikings -- who can't? But the Vikings can pass on anyone, and can run the ball fairly well, too. Culpepper throws TD passes to Nate Burleson, Michael Bennett, and Marcus Robinson. Onterrio Smith adds a rushing TD. Vikings win, 31-20.

Moss reserves a section of the Metrodome for the surviving members of the Wu-Tang Clan, in honor of Ol' Dirty Bastard. Not hip to the rap game, Vikings' crusty old owner Red McCombs goes the entire week thinking he's being referred to as an "Ol' Dirty Bastard."

Indianapolis @ Chicago

"I'm well aware that I'm ahead of pace to break Dan Marino's single-season touchdown pass record," says Peyton Manning, "but I don't think I've ever seen anything like Buddy Ryan's '46' defense in Chicago. And you've got to hand it to Bear quarterback Craig Krenzel. He's also well ahead of the pace for another Marino record: never winning a Super Bowl. Ha! I kill me! I am so funny! Hey, Marvin Harrison! Get over here and polish my sneakers and I might find the kindness in my heart to throw the pill your way a little more."

Harrison reluctantly agrees to buff his quarterback's Adidas, peeved that he has laid not one finger on any of Manning's nine TDs in the last two games.

"Man, it's all a conspiracy perpetrated by Colts' management," complains Harrison. "They've got Peyton throwing to those white boys Brandon Stokley and Dallas Clark, keeping passes away from me so my value will be deflated when it comes to re-signing time. Then, I'll be undervalued and they can afford to keep me at a much cheaper price."

"Has Marvin lost his mind?" asks Manning. "He's citing conspiracies, economics, and racism? What is this? An Oliver Stone movie? Has Marvin forgot that Reggie Wayne has a few touchdown catches himself? He's not a white boy. He's a tricked-out, ghetto-fabulous Miami Hurricane. Marvin's not white, and he's certainly not a tricked-out, ghetto-fabulous Miami Hurricane. He played at Syracuse, for God's sake. He's a Yankee. I resent his accusations. He can not only forget about catching touchdowns; he can forget about passes altogether."

A disgusted Harrison takes matters into his own hands at game time. After a completion to Stokley in the first quarter, Harrison strips his teammate of the ball and waltzes in for the touchdown. On another play, Harrison runs Wayne's route and steals a TD pass intended for No. 87. On yet another play, Harrison lines up at tight end and catches a one-yard TD, which would normally go to Clark. The results of Harrison's shenanigans: one happy receiver, three pissed off receivers, and a 27-16 Indianapolis win.

N.Y. Jets @ Cleveland

The Jets suffered a devastating loss last Sunday, losing to the Ravens in overtime after blowing a 14-0 lead and failing to score the winning touchdown inside the Ravens' 10-yard line at the end of regulation. A few critical bad decisions by Herman Edwards left the Jets at 6-3, along with five other teams in the AFC with the identical records.

"Hey, pal," Edwards asks "what's the significance of six teams in the AFC with 6-3 records? And who are you to question my play-calling?"

Okay, Herm, first question first. With six teams at 6-3, there is the possibility that teams that finish 10-6 may not make the playoffs. If the Jets and Ravens both finish 10-6, then the first tiebreaker, head-to-head record, would favor the Ravens. So, the loss was critical.

Now, second question. Let's see. You called for a halfback pass from inside the Ravens' 20-yard line that was intercepted. Maybe you should have played it safe there and let your quarterback throw the ball, since that's his job. Then, with a first and goal situation with time running down, trailing 17-14, you run two plays, but kick on third down instead of going for the win. Wasted time, wasted opportunities. So, there. I'm just a nobody questioning your play calling; imagine what people who matter are saying, like your wife, your kids, your mailman, your proctologist, Jets fans, etc.

"Okay man, I guess you're right," Edwards concedes. "I had a bad week of clock management. I didn't set my alarm clock on Thursday, I forgot to wind the grandfather clock on Friday, and to top it all off, on Saturday, I microwaved my hot dog for 1000 seconds instead of 10. It was a Ball Park, so that thing just kept plumping and plumping until she finally blew. There was hot dog shrapnel all over the kitchen."

Well, Herm, don't feel so bad. Hot dog shrapnel is nothing compared to the state of Ohio sports. The Browns are dead last in the AFC North, getting their asses whipped on and off the field, and former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett is blaming his problems on the University. My solution? Woody Hayes. Sure, I know he's not alive, but if we could somehow find a way to re-animate him, he could straighten out Clarett and the Browns. He could give Gerard Warren a nice "head shot", teach William Green how to fight, and just plain slap the memory of any misconduct out of Clarett's head. Then he could go shoot hoops with LeBron James in the Chamber of Fear.

Since all that probably won't happen, we'll have to make do with the Jets/Browns game. Edwards improves his clock management skills, thanks to a gift of a giant stopwatch on a fat gold chain, courtesy of Public Enemy rapper and Surreal Life cast member Flava Flav. Curtis Martin rushes for one touchdown, and John Abraham adds 1.5 sacks to his league-leading total.

Jets win, 24-13.

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

"I guarantee it."

Those are the words one would expect to hear from Bengals' wide receiver Chad Johnson, notorious guarantor.

"The only guarantees I place any stock in," comments Bill Cowher, "are death, taxes, not paying a lot for a suit at Men's Warehouse, and not paying a lot for a muffler at Meineke. If Chad Johnson says those words, then he better back them up. Just ask Gerard Warren of the Browns."

Cowher is referring to Gerard Warren of the Browns, who, before last week's Cleveland/Pittsburgh contest, warned of delivering a "head shot" to Roethlisberger. Although Roethlisberger and Warren spoke before the game to clear the air, fireworks still erupted later when Pittsburgh's Joey Porter and Cleveland's William Green exchanged punches at mid-field.

"I should have known something was up when I was talking to Warren," explains Roethlisberger. "All the time we were talking, I could hear AC/DC's 'Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap' playing in the background. Then, when Porter and and Green started scrapping, I was like 'Damn, take it to Jerry Springer.' And what do you know? We're going to Cincinnati, home of Springer."

Springer quickly acts on Roethlisberger's comments, inviting Porter and Green to the show to discuss their problems. Very little is resolved on the show, but we do learn that Porter and Green share a father, are married to the same woman, and are quite eager to go topless in front of a wildly ecstatic Springer audience. And what episode of Springer would be complete without someone shouting "You don't know me! You can't judge me!", which Green yells as he in escorted from the stage by Steve The Bouncer.

You're right, William. I don't know you, but I can judge you. And the judgment is: you're an idiot.

Now, onto the Bengals. You know Chad Johnson is dying to make that guarantee, much like he did last year when the undefeated Chiefs came to town. Johnson finally does make the guarantee, just not publicly. The Bengals are pumped up and race to a 10-0 lead. The Steelers don't panic and continue to pound Jerome Bettis. The comeback is complete when Roethlisberger finds Hines Ward for a fourth quarter touchdown.

The Steelers pull out a tough 23-17 win.

San Francisco @ Tampa Bay

"For the last time," Tampa coach Jon Gruden pleads, "I am not Chucky. I have not appeared in any of the Child's Play movies. I am first and foremost a football coach. I have no connection to the Child's Play empire. I did not appear in the most recent of the Chucky films, Seed of Chucky, and I have in no way endorsed the follow-up, Super Bowl Chucky, nor its sequel, Chucky Dissects the Cover 2 Defense. And, for the record, I turned down an offer to cameo in Seed of Chucky."

Dang, Jon. Maybe you didn't realize that Academy Award-nominated actress Jennifer Tilly stars in Seed of Chucky, and I'm almost certain she exposes her massive hooters. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?

"Well, that's very disheartening," replies Gruden. "But I'm a teenage heartthrob. I have women exposing themselves to me on a daily basis. And why are we having this discussion anyway? Let's talk football!"

It's the 1-8 49ers against the 3-6 Bucs. What's there to talk about?

"Well, we haven't been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. And we have an exciting rookie receiver in Michael Clayton."

How about you, Dennis Erickson? Anything new with you?

"Certainly no new wins," Erickson replies, "but what about the Giants' Barry Bonds? Fourth consecutive MVP award, and seventh overall."

Yeah, Barry's great. I think he had more walks this year than the 49ers have points. And just think. Barry did all that without the assistance of any steroids or banned substances.

Okay, I guess we'll talk football. Brian Griese throws two touchdown passes, and Michael Pittman scores one on the ground.

Tampa Bay wins, 34-28.

St. Louis @ Buffalo

If the Buffalo Bills were starring in their own reality show, you no doubt would have heard these words at the end of episode one: "Drew Bledsoe, you been voted off the island." If the members of the Bills appeared on a popular British quiz show hosted by Anne Robinson, you likely would hear these words at the end of round one: "Drew Bledsoe, you are the weakest link, goodbye." If Drew Bledsoe appeared on a popular 1970s amateur talent contest displaying his ability, you would certainly have seen him "gonged" by celebrity panelist Rex Reed.

If you were lucky, Bledsoe's rejected act would have been followed by the stand-up comedy of the greatest comedian of all-time, The Unknown Comic, who would have told the greatest joke of all-time: "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Hell if I know." That's classic.

Speaking of trivia, Bledsoe just became the answer to the question "What quarterback has thrown a completed pass and an interception to the same player in his career?" Bledsoe became the answer in the midst of his horrendous game last Sunday night at New England by throwing an interception to Troy Brown, a Patriot wide receiver who has been filling in for the injury-depleted defensive backfield corps. Brown, of course, was the recipient of several Bledsoe offensive completions when Bledsoe was with New England.

Now, in St. Louis, several assistant coaches are desperately trying to talk Mike Martz out of playing Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce at defensive back. Is Martz listening? Of course not.

"Coach Martz spends most of his time convincing himself he's the reason we win," explains Bruce. "And the rest of the time blaming the players when we lose. He's a frontrunner who has no concept of credibility. I hate his guts."

I'm with you, Isaac. But let's give Martz credit for this: win or lose, he'll always say something stupid in his press conferences, then storm out when someone questions his judgment the least bit.

As far as the Buffalo/St. Louis game goes, St. Louis has too much offense for the Bills to handle. On offense, the Buffalo quarterback, whether it's Bledsoe or J.P. Losman, is too error-prone to lead anyone to victory.

Rams win, 27-13.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville

"Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher is somewhat in the same boat as myself, Jack Del Rio," explains Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio. "Like me, he's dealing with an injured starting quarterback. My man, Byron Leftwich, will probably miss one more game with a knee injury, while Fisher's man, Steve McNair, will probably return Sunday after missing two games with a bruised scrotum. Man, he should've worn his cup."

"Jack Del Rio," replies Fisher, "you are an idiot. McNair suffered a bruised sternum, not scrotum, you nut sack. And here me now and believe me later: I would never want to be in the same boat with Jack Del Rio, unless we were stranded in the Pacific in a lifeboat and I was starving, and the only food available to me and the ravenous sharks circling our boat was Jack Del Rio himself, then I would consider him my best chum."

Sounds like the makings of a rivalry, and were the Titans a better team, it would be. But injuries have robbed the Titans of any chance of competing for the AFC South crown. McNair may never be at full strength again, and running back Chris Brown is battling turf toe.

"Turf toe is a very aggravating injury," Brown says. "Almost as aggravating as rushing for 140 yards and still losing, which has happened this year. Anyway, how do I have turf toe when I play on natural grass?"

Good question, one I can't answer. But I can tell you this. David Garrard again proves himself an able backup to the injured Byron Leftwich, throwing two touchdown passes to lead the Jags to a victory over the Titans 19-14.

Miami @ Seattle

The Dolphins spent their bye week flushing the Dave Wannstedt from their systems, after Wannstedt tendered his resignation two weeks ago in the wake of the Dolphins' 1-8 start, which fell in the wake of Ricky Williams retirement, which fell in the wake of hundreds of bong hits and ashen doobies.

"The Wannstedt is very difficult to cleanse the body of," notes defensive end Jason Taylor. "It tends to linger like acid indigestion. It's like a grass stain on the knee of your favorite white, silk pants. It's like when you go to a bar and come out smelling like cigarette smoke. It's like that. The Wannstedt is very resilient."

Interim coach Norman Bates leaves the position of night manager at the Bates Motel ... I'm sorry? ... Oh, it's Jim Bates. Anyway, Bates job is to remove all traces of the Wannstedt and hopefully turn around a season that is currently in the midst of a complete tailspin. Bates' first coaching decision was giving A.J. Feeley the start. I must say, that's a brilliant move, and very Wannstedtian.

Seattle coach Mike Holmgren also has a tough task at hand: convincing the Seahawks that they are a playoff-caliber team.

"That's the easy part," adds Holmgren. "The hard part is convincing Matt Hasselbeck that his receivers can catch the ball, and are not high as a kite. Also, we need to give Shaun Alexander, the NFL's leading rusher, a reason to re-sign and return next year as a Seahawk."

The good news, Mike, is that you are playing the Dolphins, so the convincing should be easy. Holmgren succeeds, and lights a fire under the Seahawk team. They come out blazing, and Hasselbeck hits Darrell Jackson and Alexander for two quick scores. Miami never recovers. Seahawks win 23-9. Somewhere at an Australian campground, Dave Wannstedt cackles maniacally as he tokes on a cigar-sized joint.

"Damn, you're pretty high for a white guy," notes Ricky Williams.

San Diego @ Oakland

"With a bye week and two weeks to prepare," says Raider coach Norv Turner, "I think it's safe to say we are as ready for this game as we can possibly be. Those two weeks, plus home field advantage, should give us the edge over the Chargers."

That's great, Norv. But guess what? The Chargers had a bye week, as well, and they don't suck. And playing in Oakland no longer strikes fear into anyone, unless you are an attractive female and your kicker, Sebastian Janikowski, offers to buy you a drink. That's something to be afraid of.

"Come on, give Sebastian a break," says Turner. "He's really cleaned up his act. He's been in therapy and has gained some self-esteem; he no longer feels that a woman has to be stumbling drunk to like him. He's confident with himself. Now, he still does go a little overboard drinking the alcohol. It probably wasn't the best decision to have Sebastian and Kerry Collins on the same team."

I'll drink to that. Salud. Cheers.

Talk all you want, Norv. The fact is: the Chargers are good. The Raiders are bad. And I don't mean 'bad' as in evil, spitting, cheap shot artists; I mean 'bad' as in 3-6 bad. And 'bad' as in lacking the personnel to stop the league's second-best scoring offense. And the Raiders, like most teams, have no answer for Charger tight end and former Ken State basketball player Antonio Gates.

"Wait just a minute," shouts Turner. "We got this Gates guy figured out. We'll start with a box and one, with safety Ray Buchanan man-to-man on Gates. If that doesn't work, we'll go to the 2-3 zone, and we'll mix that win a 1-3-1 zone press. Well need to get a hand in his face as much as possible."

Gosh, Norv. It sounds like you would be a good fit coaching your Bay Area NBA mates the Golden State Warriors.

"Aren't they the worst team in the league?"

My point exactly.

The Chargers just have too much for the Raiders in all aspects of the game. You can't run on the Chargers, so the impetus to move the offense will fall on Kerry Collins, which usually means interceptions. And the Raiders can't stop anyone, so Drew Brees, LaDainian Tomlinson, Keenan McCardell, and Gates should all have solid games.

Chargers win, 34-17.

Atlanta @ N.Y. Giants

Giants' head coach Tom Coughlin opened practice on Tuesday by leading his team to a nearby elementary school playground, gathering them around the sliding board to explain their future. Coughlin climbed the ladder to the top of the slide, and, with a wave and a smile, descended the slippery spiral slide and landed on his butt in the mud below.

"Now, can anyone tell me the symbolism of my act?" Coughlin asks.

Kurt Warner raises his hand and answers.

"Coach, I think what you're saying is we were on top, and lately, we've taken a slide to the bottom."

"Exactly. Now, can anyone tell me the symbolism of the following act?

Out of nowhere, a burgundy dodgeball slams into the side of Kurt Warner's head, knocking him unconscious.

"I'll answer that, Coach," replies Eli Manning, the originator of the lethal projectile. "It means I'm the starter and Kurt's out, cold."

The other Giants erupt in laughter and congratulate their new quarterback.

"Silence!" yells Coughlin. "Back to work! Now, everybody! Fifteen reps apiece on the monkey bars, then give me 50 reps on the see-saws, you jackasses!"

Yes, it was time for a change in New York.

Yes. The change being Manning suffering five or more sacks instead of Warner. The Giants continue their November swoon, as Michael Vick and the Biggie Smalls running back duo of Warrick Dunn and T.J. Duckett run around and though the Giants' defense.

Falcons win, 31-10.

Washington @ Philadelphia

"Where, oh where," Joe Gibbs pleads, "is Doug Williams when you need him?"

Well, Joe, I think he's working for Tampa Bay as a personnel executive, whatever that means.

"No, I don't mean the Doug Williams," Gibbs explains. "I mean any Doug Williams. Anyone named Doug Williams would be better at quarterback than Mark Brunell or Patrick Ramsey. Those guys are like the Dick Trickles of quarterbacking. Check these stats out from last week's game: Brunell had one completion in eight attempts. Ramsey threw two interceptions. That's awful. Incidentally, fans can send their questions and comments to Brunell and Ramsey in care of the Redskins at FedEx Field. Just make sure you address it to N. Completion and N. Terception."

Well Joe, I would send my questions and comments, but, like many a Brunell and Ramsey pass, I'm sure my letter would not reach its intended destination.

"Touche," Gibbs replies.

At the opposite end of the quarterback spectrum inhabited by the likes of Brunell, Ramsey, and Drew Brees version 2003 is Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb. McNabb's 18 touchdown passes trail only Peyton Manning and Daunte Culpepper, and his four interceptions are fewest among quarterbacks with 2,000 yards passing.

"I can throw four touchdowns in a single game just like Manning, Culpepper, and Brett Favre," McNabb comments. "So you can categorize me with those guys in that respect. However, I stand alone in this category: we have only one loss. Those guys can throw four TDs in a game and not win the game; when I throw for four in a game, you know we win, pretty decisively, I might add."

The McNabb/Terrell Owens connection was reignited last Monday in Dallas after not tasting the end zone two weeks ago in Pittsburgh. Washington, like the Giants and Cowboys before them, finally gets a taste of the McNabb-Owens phenomenon, along with the familiar taste of an NFC East whipping by the Eagles. Owens celebrates the win by hooking up with a desperate housewife.

Philadelphia wins, 38-17.

Green Bay @ Houston

Brett Favre torched the Vikings last week with four touchdown passes, his 18th game with four or more TD passes, second only to Dan Marino's 21.

"Yeah, I amaze myself on a daily basis," Favre adds, "usually by just being able to get out of bed and remember what I did the previous day. I have no problem throwing with my sprained hand, but I can't pack my dip with it. I have to go lefty with the Copenhagen. There's a lot of spillage there. Now, if you're asking about Houston, I have to give props to my man Roger Clemens on his seventh Cy Young Award. That's awesome. And what can you say about Texan quarterback David Carr. That kid has a beautiful head of hair."

Riding on the arm of Favre, the Packers have reeled off four-straight victories to take over first place in the NFC North. The Favre/Javon Walker connection has become one of the most feared in the game, and Ahman Green is back in early season form.

"I'm very excited about where this season is headed," Green explains. "But I'm even more excited about the upcoming reality show starring Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee matriculating at my alma mater, the University of Nebraska. Tommy could really pound the skins in the Crüe; now he gets his chance in the marching band. And here's the best part. He's going to class. I think he's taking some of the same classes I did: Leisure Studies 101, Sports Psychology 101, and Baking 201. I'm also looking forward any bootleg movies he may put out. He's quite the actor."

The Packers and Texans put on a show at Reliant Field. Favre and Walker hook up on a long TD bomb, as do Carr and Andre Johnson. In the end, the hot Packers have too much firepower for Houston. Green adds 121 yards and a touchdown.

Packers win, 35-27.

New England @ Kansas City

After receiving thousands of complaints about last Monday night's opening to its Monday Night Football broadcast starring Terrell Owens and Nicolette Sheridan, ABC decides to play it safe for the intro to the Patriots/Chiefs tilt. In the opening, we see Patriot quarterback Tom Brady sitting at his kitchen table, enjoying a bowl of tomato soap, a glass of milk, and a few vanilla wafers, while browsing through the November issue of National Geographic, as the sweet sounds of children playing outside waft into earshot. Brady raises his head from his soap and blandly says, "Are you ready for some football?"

Well, frankly, after that introduction, no, I'm not ready for football. I'm ready to vomit. Now, the sight of Owens embracing a naked Sheridan; that really gets me pumped up, because it features my two favorite things: football and naked women.

If you are reading this and were one of the many people to call ABC to complain about their opening, take your hand or a friend's and slap the daylights out of yourself. Is it the black man/white woman thing that bothers you, or just a bare back? In case you've forgotten, it's 2004, the information age, and, if you're reading this, you are on the internet, and just a few clicks away from things much more offensive (to you) than the Owens/Sheridan embrace.

Sorry for the rant. Now, to football. Don't you think the Chiefs' offense is pretty upset with the defense? Even without Priest Holmes, backup Derrick Blaylock rushed for 186 yards and a touchdown.

"And that's still not enough to win," complains Tony Gonzalez. "Damn the defense!"

"Damn the defense?” says Chief lineman Ryan Simms. "Last week, we held the Saints to 27 points. That's awesome for us. Yet, our offense can only manage 20 against the worst defense in the league? Damn the offense!"

"All this bickering brings me to tears," whines Kansas City coach Dick Vermeil, "as does pretty much everything, including that saucy Monday Night intro last Monday. I would like to have seen Nicolette and Terrell date for a few months before engaging in such a personal embrace, but who am I to say? I'm not their daddy."

The simple fact is the Chiefs cannot stop the Patriot offense. The Pats can slow the Chiefs' offense. Corey Dillon rushes for 140 yards, and Tom Brady throws two TD passes. Troy Brown doesn't have an interception, but does throw one on an option pass, just to add another line to his stat page.

New England wins, 33-20.

Posted by Jeffrey Boswell at 3:50 PM | Comments (0)

Sports Central Pro Bowl Selections

Pro Bowl voting has been open for weeks, but now every team has played more than half of its games, which means it's reasonable to vote for each conference's representatives. Here's a look at my ballot, with AFC players listed first.

Quarterback

Peyton Manning (IND), Ben Roethlisberger (PIT), Tom Brady (NE); Donovan McNabb (PHI), Daunte Culpepper (MIN), Brett Favre (GB)

McNabb and Culpepper are having terrific seasons, but this position is clearly an advantage for the AFC. Drew Brees (SD) would easily edge Favre for the third spot if he played in the NFC. Close calls were Brees in the AFC and Michael Vick (ATL) and Brian Griese (TB) in the NFC.

Running Back

Priest Holmes (KC), Edgerrin James (IND), Curtis Martin (NYJ); Tiki Barber (NYG), Shaun Alexander (SEA), Ahman Green (GB)

Again, the AFC is full of good candidates. Corey Dillon (NE) and LaDainian Tomlinson (SD) were especially tough to leave off. Barber and Alexander are having the best seasons of their already impressive careers.

Wide Receiver

Marvin Harrison (IND), Andre Johnson (HOU), Hines Ward (PIT), Rod Smith (DEN); Terrell Owens (PHI), Javon Walker (GB), Michael Clayton (TB), Randy Moss (MIN)

A lot of readers probably won't like my selections here, especially Moss. Assuming he plays another five or six games, though, he'll earn this spot. The closest contenders were Isaac Bruce (STL) and Torry Holt (STL), but I couldn't choose between them. In the AFC, I checked four names before I got to Ward. I didn't want to leave him off, so I unchecked Rod Smith. Then I changed my mind, put him back on, and left off Jimmy Smith (JAC). Really, any of those guys are good choices, and in the NFC, all that matters is that Owens and Walker are on your ballot.

Fullback

Tony Richardson (KC); Mack Strong (SEA)

There's no question on Richardson. None. Strong is a good player, but he gets my vote mostly by default.

Tight End

Randy McMichael (MIA), Tony Gonzalez (KC); Jason Witten (DAL), Alge Crumpler (ATL)

In both conferences, three tight ends are way, way ahead of the pack. In the AFC, the third guy is Antonio Gates (SD). In the NFC, the man is Eric Johnson (SF). Typing that, I realize Gates is the third Charger I've left off in a close call, but I swear I have nothing against San Diego. It's just an unfortunate coincidence. Gates will probably make the Pro Bowl, though, which means McMichael is likely to stay at home in February. In the NFC, Witten could have problems because he's come on lately, and most of the votes have already been cast. Crumpler is the safest bet.

Kicker

Adam Vinatieri (NE); David Akers (PHI)

Akers is a no-brainer, but I struggled with the AFC choice. Vinatieri is ahead by leaps and bounds in the points race, 20 ahead of the closest competition, and we all know he's clutch. But Phil Dawson (CLE) is having a great year, and if he played for New England, he'd probably have 93 points, too.

Punter

Shane Lechler (OAK); Mitch Berger (NO)

I've always liked Lechler, and each of the last two seasons; he's been my No. 2 guy in the AFC. Which means squat, since you only vote for one punter. This season, I'm leaving off Mike Scifres (SD). He's got a great net average and was terrific in the only game I saw him play. I'm sorry, San Diego.

That's the end of the "Express Ballot", and the best of the rest begins with offensive line. I'm much better at judging play on the line than I used to be, but having watched a limited number of games, I'm reduced to some guesswork at these positions. Other guys get highlights and statistics to help you choose, but not the offensive linemen. That disclaimer aside, here are my picks:

Offensive Guard

Alan Faneca (PIT), Will Shields (KC), Brian Waters (KC); Steve Hutchinson (SEA), Marco Rivera (GB), Chris Liwienski (MIN)

Faneca and Hutchinson were the only sure things at this position. Other guys I considered were, in the AFC, Joe Andruzzi (NE), Rick DeMulling (IND), and Dan Neil (DEN). I'm not totally confident with the Liwienski selection. In the past I've voted for his teammate, David Dixon, who this year is finally getting some credit. But when I've seen the Vikings, Dixon hasn't impressed me. Mike Wahle (GB) was probably the closest to getting Liwienski's spot.

Offensive Tackle

Willie Roaf (KC), Tarik Glenn (IND), Ryan Diem (IND); Walter Jones (SEA), Jon Runyan (PHI), Tra Thomas (PHI)

Glenn and Diem have been a big part of Peyton Manning's success this season. He's only been sacked six times, and that's partially a credit to Manning for knowing when to get rid of the ball, but it also means that his linemen are doing a great job. I've only seen Jones once this season, but he was terrific last year and I can't imagine he's dropped off so steeply that he doesn't belong in the Pro Bowl. Jonathan Ogden (BAL), when he's healthy, is the best, but he's missed too many games for me to mark him on the ballot.

Center

Kevin Mawae (NYJ), Jeff Hartings (PIT); Hank Fraley (PHI), Andy McCollum (STL)

This is another position at which the AFC has a clear advantage. Dan Koppen (NE), Tom Nalen (DEN), Jeff Saturday (IND), and Casey Wiegmann (KC) are all having good seasons. Matt Birk (MIN) will probably start for the NFC, but he hasn't impressed me.

Cornerback

Chris McAlister (BAL), Pat Surtain (MIA), Anthony Henry (CLE); Ronde Barber (TB), Fred Smoot (WAS), Lito Sheppard (PHI)

One of the reasons Baltimore's defense is so successful is that McAlister is extremely reliable in one-on-one coverage. That frees up safety Ed Reed to stuff the run, blitz, and help out on the other side of the field. Barber, after a down year, is back in top form.

Strong Safety

Ed Reed (BAL); Mike Green (CHI)

Rodney Harrison (NE) was my Defensive Player of the Year last season, and he's having another fantastic campaign this time around. I hate not being able to vote for him. I would take Harrison, Troy Polamalu (PIT), and Donovin Darius (JAC) over Green, who narrowly edged rookie Gibril Wilson (NYG).

Free Safety

Eugene Wilson (NE); Brian Dawkins (PHI)

I feel dirty voting for Wilson, but not his teammate Harrison.

Defensive End

John Abraham (NYJ), Justin Smith (CIN), Aaron Schobel (BUF); Patrick Kerney (ATL), Bertrand Berry (ARI), Alex Brown (CHI)

I just like voting for Chicago players named after colors. Abraham and Kerney were easy selections, and Berry has been a standout for Arizona, which is 4-5 on the strength of a surprisingly effective defense. Smith's pressure is a big part of why Cincinnati CBs Tory James and Deltha O'Neal keep coming up with interceptions.

Inside Linebacker

Al Wilson (DEN), James Farrior (PIT); Antonio Pierce (WAS), Nick Barnett (GB)

Last year, I voted for Ray Lewis (BAL) and Zach Thomas (MIA). This year, neither one has been up to snuff. Pierce has been gold in his first season as a defensive starter, and Barnett has quickly established himself on Green Bay's defense. I wouldn't be surprised if none of the guys I voted for actually makes it to Hawaii.

Outside Linebacker

Keith Bulluck (TEN), Willie McGinest (NE); Keith Brooking (ATL), Derrick Brooks (TB)

McGinest, Joey Porter (PIT), and Terrell Suggs (BAL) usually play out of the 3-4, and their statistics resemble those of defensive ends. All three are worthy candidates, but for balance there should probably be a 4-3 guy in there, too. I also considered Eric Barton (NYJ), Brian Simmons (CIN), and Takeo Spikes (BUF). Brooking, a perennial at inside linebacker, figures to make it this year on the outside.

Defensive Tackle

Kelly Gregg (BAL), Richard Seymour (NE), Monsanto Pope (DEN); Rod Coleman (ATL), Cornelius Griffin (WAS), Darwin Walker (PHI)

Coleman, when healthy, has been untouchable. Gregg is the most underrated player on the Baltimore defense. Playing both inside and outside, Seymour is having another terrific season. By the way, in case anyone is wondering, I do feel bad about having only one player from the league's top-ranked defense (Pittsburgh) on my ballot. I really wanted Porter and Polamalu on there, but it's tough to fit all the great players in the AFC.

Kick Returner

Dante Hall (KC); Eddie Drummond (DET)

Hall's average on kickoffs is nothing special, but he's the top punt returner in the AFC, and his explosiveness is unparalleled. Jerry Azumah (CHI) would be a very reasonable choice in the NFC most years, but in 2004 Drummond's three TDs can't be overlooked.

Special Teamer

I never feel like I have enough information to make an educated choice at this position, so I left it blank on my ballot. I do, however, like Larry Izzo (NE) and Adalius Thomas (BAL) in the AFC; their NFC counterparts are Alex Bannister (SEA), who has missed a couple of games this year, and James Thrash (WAS), who isn't even on the ballot.

Midseason Awards

Offensive Player of the Year: Peyton Manning

Defensive Player of the Year: Ed Reed

MVP: Peyton Manning

Coach of the Year: Bill Cowher (PIT)

Assistant: Tom Moore (IND)

Rookie of the Year: Ben Roethlisberger

Posted by Brad Oremland at 3:21 PM | Comments (1)

November 17, 2004

Why There is Hope For Miami Sports Fans

I really feel bad for Florida as of late, especially Miami. In the past several months, they have had to deal with the humidity of the summer, the hurricanes that followed, and the torture of watching their professional and college football teams fall apart.

We are all well aware of what is happening to the Miami Dolphins. I don't think there is a rock big enough to hide under to miss that. But just in case you have been sleeping for the past several months, here is a reader's digest version of what has happened to them this season: everyone quit, got hurt, or didn't show up on Sunday. I feel for the loyal Dolphins fans. What do they have to turn to now? I guess they can always turn to the dominating Miami Hurricanes!

Guess again. This year doesn't look as promising as the years in the Big East. This season, they already have losses to Clemson and North Carolina, both unranked teams. The Miami Hurricanes have had an unusual year in which they are actually looking at stiff competition this late in the season. Last year, they were full of pro-caliber talent. "The 2004 NFL draft was one of the strongest in over a decade. The same can't be said for the 2005 class." And this has shown on the field.

Well what about the Florida Gators? Ask their coach what he thinks about this season, as well as next. Head coach Ron Zook is on his way out and that can't be good for recruiting.

So what's left? You, the Florida faithful, deserve better. You deserve a team that can dominate, that can play defense, which can impose its will on the competition. Look no further, Miami, you already have it, the only thing is that it's in basketball.

In a blockbuster offseason trade, the Miami Heat acquired the most physically dominating player to ever play the game. Try to argue that, I dare you. He may not be the best player, or even be able to hit a foul shot, but there isn't really anyone that has his physical capabilities. Ever.

This size, listed at 7-1 and 340 lbs. is immovable in the center of the court. He makes everyone around him better; just ask fellow teammate Dwayne Wade. "Everyone is focused on him," Wade said. "I've never seen anyone get the attention he does. When [he's] on the floor, things open up for me. It's been a little easier for me to pick and choose my spots. The attention that he draws makes things a lot easier when he's on the floor." To stop this Miami team, you have to stop him first. Go ahead stop him; he has enough of a supporting cast to take this team deep into the playoffs.

If all things go well for the Heat, it won't be such a bad year in Miami after all. At 5-2, they are in first place in the Southeast Conference, and tied for the best record in the East. Yes, the season is early, and yes, they already have lost to San Antonio and Dallas, but they got something L.A. could not learn to appreciate and he has the credentials to turn their dream into a reality. He is a threea-time NBA Finals MVP, the 1999-2000 Most Valuable Player, nine-time all-star selection, two-time regular season scoring champion, and a gold medal winner.

He is everything a Miami fan needs, especially right now. His presence is overwhelmingly huge, in a city that is desperate for some sort of success. Yeah, they were good last year, but they were definitely missing something: something that instantly gives any fan something to cheer about, to brag about. To save face on tough days in Miami, they needed the help of superman, and they just may have found him. That's just how big this guy is to the city.

In fact, he's so big; I never even had to mention his name.

Posted by Kevin Ferra at 1:21 PM | Comments (2)

November 16, 2004

NFL Week 10 Power Rankings

Five Quick Hits

* If the Indianapolis defense continues to play the way it did this weekend, the Colts are a Super Bowl contender. If it doesn't, Indy might not even make the playoffs.

* Three 17-17 games went into overtime this week, and one ended on a safety. Truth is stranger than fiction.

* If you watch football, you've seen that new Apple commercial. Remember when U2 was great? Or even when it didn't utterly suck?

* I change the channel every time I see a yellow flag in a commercial. I can't stand those.

* The Sharpie was funny. The Ray Lewis dance was funny. The stuff on the sideline with Donovan McNabb on MNF this week was great. The Dallas star wasn't cool. Ripping down fans' signs is not okay. Comparing a fine from the NFL to impeachment of the president is over the line. Terrell Owens fails to set limits for himself. In his quest to appear on television as often as possible, he ignores everything else, including good taste and good sense.

Nothing in the NFL is more unreasonably hyped up than players doing things unusual for their positions. When a running back throws a touchdown pass, the bulk of the credit should go to the coaches who designed the play, not the guy who caught the defense by surprise. When a linebacker lines up at tight end and catches a pass, he shows some nice versatility, but he didn't have a better game than the regular tight end who did the same thing.

There are exceptions to this rule. Dolphins rookie Wes Welker took over Miami's placekicking duties on the day of a game and managed a decent game. Kordell Stewart became Slash again this Sunday, filling in ably as a punter for the Ravens. Troy Brown intercepted a Drew Bledsoe pass while playing defense for New England. The interception is kind of fluky, like a running back pass, but playing a third of the defensive snaps gets my attention.

The point is this: one neat play does not a great game make. Chris Berman is endlessly fascinated by these "out of position" plays, but they're mostly gadgets, not grounds for Hall of Fame induction.

Getting along to the power rankings, brackets note previous rank.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers [1] -- Within the next few weeks, someone is going to give the Steelers a surprisingly tough game. Ben Roethlisberger is very much the real deal, but teams are challenging him in entirely the wrong way. Instead of letting Big Ben be a game manager, defenses are going to start forcing him to be a game winner. Roethlisberger's a stud, and I think he'll be able to step up for the most part. But when teams stop letting Duce Staley and Jerome Bettis run for 100 yards every game, it will be on Ben to generate the offense. That's the way to pressure a young, good QB. Put the game entirely in his hands.

2. New England Patriots [2] -- I was kind of joking last week when I suggested Corey Dillon for team MVP, but he may be just as valuable to the Patriots as Terrell Owens is to Philadelphia. Dillon gives New England's offense a dimension it lacked last year, and his presence could be the difference between their recent loss to Pittsburgh and a playoff win.

3. Philadelphia Eagles [3] -- One of the best plays in recent history began with 3:09 left in the first half. McNabb to Freddie Mitchell, and I know I wasn't the only one reminded of Fran Tarkenton's famous scramble that led to a deflected TD pass. Even though Philadelphia dominated the game, I worry about a defense that struggled to stop the anemic Dallas offense. After allowing an average of 12.6 points per game, and no more than 17, in their first five contests, the Eagles have given up at least three TDs in three of the last four games, with an average of 22.3 points against.

4. Indianapolis Colts [4] -- Peyton Manning may break Dan Marino's single-season touchdown record -- he probably has about a 50% chance -- but he won't knock down Marino's yardage record, too. It also bears consideration that Manning plays with a much better supporting cast than Marino had in 1984. Even when the records fall, it is unlikely that any quarterback will ever have a better season than Marino's.

5. San Diego Chargers [5] -- The Bolts have won five of their last six games, with a point differential of +98. That's 16.3 points per game more than their opponents. It just goes to show the value of having the top pick in the NFL draft.

6. Baltimore Ravens [8] -- Losing by five at Philadelphia is no cause for shame, and that's the only defeat in Baltimore's last five games. Their other losses were a fluke against Cleveland in Week 1, and a three-point loss against Kansas City when the Chiefs were playing well. A head-to-head tiebreaker over the Jets could be all the Ravens need to make the playoffs.

7. New York Jets [6] -- It's fashionable to be down on the Jets right now, and it's easy because they've lost three of their last four games. All three, though, were by less than a touchdown, two were on the road, and two were to teams ranked higher than this. For now, I still like the Jets.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars [9] -- Last week, I bemoaned the lack of attention paid to special teams league-wide. This week special teams failures nearly cost Jacksonville a game it utterly dominated on both offense and defense. At the professional level, there is no excuse for anything less than total preparation in all phases of the game.

9. Green Bay Packers [14] -- Four wins in a row, and at least four TDs in all of them. The running game is working, Brett Favre is playing well, and the defense is playing better. The Packers' remaining schedule is awfully tough, but if they keep playing like this, they'll make the playoffs.

10. Atlanta Falcons [12] -- Criticizing Michael Vick has become popular recently, and he's now widely regarded as the most overrated player in the NFL. The irony is that you have to be pretty good in the first place to generate enough hype to become overrated. When Vick was sensational in 2002, he might have fit the bill. This year, everyone recognizes that Vick's potential hasn't fully developed yet; the hype is no longer wildly disproportionate to his level of play. Right now, Ray Lewis is probably the league's most overrated player.

That said, Vick was not the reason Atlanta held off Tampa Bay on Sunday. He completed only half his passes and produced a modest 210 yards of total offense. The defense, led by Rod Coleman, tallied six sacks and held the Bucs to three yards per carry. With this year's weak NFC, the Atlanta defense should be well-represented in Hawaii.

11. Denver Broncos [13] -- Right now, Denver holds the tiebreaker in the AFC West by virtue of a Week 3 win against the Chargers. With Kansas City fading away, it looks like a two-team race for the division title. If the Broncos can complete a season sweep at San Diego in Week 13, they'll have a good shot at a home playoff game.

12. Minnesota Vikings [7] -- 51 pass plays. 16 handoffs. It's the same thing every week. Minnesota has given up over 30 points in four of its last five games.

13. Houston Texans [11] -- When you lose 49-14 and the game was not as close as the score makes it appear, you had a really bad week. Defense wasn't the only culprit when they got pasted by the Colts, though: David Carr had four turnovers. Houston's offense got off to a fast start this year, but the team hasn't scored more than 20 points in a game since Week 5. I hate keeping the Texans this high, but when you see the teams between here and 20th, you'll understand why it had to happen.

14. Buffalo Bills [16] -- We finally saw J.P. Losman on Sunday night. He had a rough time. So did everyone else on his team. The Pats looked great, and I'm not giving up on Buffalo.

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers [15] -- Tampa had a rough day with the officials. It seemed like every call went Atlanta's way.

16. St. Louis Rams [20] -- Mike Martz can't win. If his motivational ploy carried the Rams to victory, doesn't that mean he's been coaching poorly until this point? And if they would have won anyway, why is he getting the credit? Regardless, Martz should not be a head coach at this level.

17. Kansas City Chiefs [10] -- There comes a point at which you have to stop pointing fingers at the defense and blame the whole team. That point is when the defense starts playing well.

18. Cincinnati Bengals [22] -- Massacred Washington's offense, and Marvin Lewis will probably come up with something to slow down the Steelers, too, but the upset talk is just that: talk. Cincinnati simply doesn't have enough weapons on offense to put points up against Pittsburgh.

19. Arizona Cardinals [26] -- With three wins in the four games they've played since the bye, Arizona is suddenly in contention for the NFC West title. Dennis Green deserves Coach of the Year consideration. Bertrand Berry, with four sacks against the Giants, deserves NFC Defensive Player of the Week consideration.

20. Cleveland Browns [18] -- Despite Joey Porter's absence, the Browns couldn't get anything done on offense. On defense, they allowed 180 rushing yards and couldn't get off the field, losing the time of possession battle by 50%.

21. Seattle Seahawks [21] -- What has happened to Matt Hasselbeck this season? He's been wretched.

22. New Orleans Saints [27] -- Deuce McAllister and Joe Horn had their best games of the season. Mike McKenzie, who hadn't been heard from much since his trade to New Orleans, contributed a key interception on KC's first drive of the second half.

23. Detroit Lions [19] -- They've lost three in a row and four of the last five. After going 5-3 at home last season, Detroit is 1-3 in the Motor City so far this year.

24. New York Giants [17] -- One Manning is having an MVP-caliber year, so why not throw the other one in there, too? I'm not a Kurt Warner believer, but I feel like starting Little Manning is giving up on the year while they're still in playoff contention.

25. Chicago Bears [28] -- Craig Krenzel is 3-0 as a starter, despite a 49.4 passer rating. Roethlisberger looks like gold. Krenzel is more like bronze, or maybe tin.

26. Washington Redskins [25] -- Benching Mark Brunell will help.

27. Tennessee Titans [24] -- Outplayed the Bears but lost on special teams and turnovers. Jeff Fisher is one of the best coaches in the league, but he's having an off year.

28. Dallas Cowboys [23] -- Line of the week goes to John Madden, talking about backup Dallas QB Drew Henson: "If he could come in and play cornerback for 'em, maybe that would help them."

29. Oakland Raiders [29] -- Few people expected the Raiders to make a serious playoff run this year, but coming into the season, there was real reason to think they'd rebound from last year's Super Bowl hangover. If anything, this year's team seems to be worse.

30. Carolina Panthers [31] -- Jake Delhomme and Muhsin Muhammad exploded for huge games. Carolina doesn't have a running game, so those guys will need to do the same thing every week for the rest of the season.

31. San Francisco 49ers [30] -- Last week, I mistakenly claimed that Tim Rattay wasn't part of the problem. This week, he threw four interceptions.

32. Miami Dolphins [32] -- Assuming Jim Bates never gets another head coaching job after his interim stint with the Dolphins, his winning percentage in the NFL's head coaching annals is going to be awfully ugly.

Posted by Brad Oremland at 11:55 PM | Comments (3)

November 15, 2004

Smith, LeFors Share Common Bond

Five years ago, then-Louisville coach John L. Smith offered a scholarship to a short, scrawny, lightly-recruited quarterback from Louisiana.

Three years ago, Smith told a tall, gangly, lightly-recruited quarterback from Seattle to look elsewhere.

Two years ago, Smith bolted for Michigan State.

But thanks to those two quarterbacks, his legacy is still being felt in Louisville, 1,500 miles to the west in Utah and all across the college football universe.

The quarterbacks -- Louisville's Stefan LeFors and Utah's Alex Smith -- are spearheading the attacks of the two best non-BCS teams in college football. They're putting up huge numbers, they're gaining national reputations, being mentioned in Heisman Trophy conversations, and they're showing that it doesn't matter if you're skinny and lightly-recruited as long as you're in the right situation.

For that, they can thank John L. Smith.

It was Smith who gave LeFors a scholarship based mostly on a homemade highlight reel that LeFors mailed out in hopes of finding some school willing to take a chance.

And it was Smith who told Alex -- his nephew -- that he might not be at Louisville long enough for Alex to finish his career there.

Where would they be without John. L? LeFors would probably be toiling away at Louisiana-Lafayette, the only other school that offered him a scholarship, an academic scholarship no less.

As for Alex Smith, he might be at Louisville, he might have transferred when his uncle left town, or he might have found his way to Utah. Regardless, he likely wouldn't be mentioned among the best quarterbacks in the country.

And so it goes. A coach who never really got to coach either of these two players may have had the biggest impact on their careers.

That's not to take anything away from what these two quarterbacks have accomplished. It just goes to show that in the case of LeFors, you simply need a chance, and in the case of Smith, you simply need to find the right fit.

And in the case of John L. Smith, he probably wishes he had one of these two under center in East Lansing.

LeFors made a splash on the national scene with his performance in Louisville's near-upset of Miami. In that game, he completed 17-of-22 passes and had ESPN's analysts raving.

But it's been his consistency and ridiculous efficiency that has garnered him even more attention. In eight games, LeFors has completed an ungodly 74 percent of his passes and his quarterback rating stands at 184.1, best in the nation. While the sheer yardage totals aren't there thanks to Louisville's balanced attack, LeFors' efficiency numbers have forced the pundits to take notice.

On top of that, LeFors brings something intangible to the Cardinals' attack. He doesn't play every series of every game. Freshman Brian Brohm, a hometown hero and last year's USA Today High School Offensive Player of the Year, is LeFors' backup and sees time in every game. But when LeFors is in, there's a clear difference in how the Cardinals play. Whether it's his quick feet that help him steer clear of the rush, his uncanny knack for finding the open receiver, or just his heart and his toughness, the Cards are a juggernaut with him under center.

The same could be said of Alex Smith. He ranks right behind LeFors with a 179.3 quarterback rating. He's completed 66 percent of his passes for 2,440 yards. And he has Utah in line to be the first non-BCS team to make a BCS bowl game. In the latest BCS rankings, the Utes moved up to sixth, the spot they need to be in for a guaranteed BCS berth.

The numbers from both are hard to ignore, and they're making college football fans all over the country aware of the fact that there are stars outside the BCS solar system.

Some skeptics might say that LeFors and Smith are simply products of great systems. Utah's Urban Meyer and Louisville's Bobby Petrino are card-carrying offensive geniuses and two of the hottest names in coaching.

Undoubtedly the system has something to do with the success. But don't read into it too much -- LeFors and Smith are unquestionably talented.

And you can't forget that those coaches might take a back seat to the man who got LeFors and Smith in these positions to begin with.

Maybe John L. will get Christmas cards and notes of thanks from LeFors and Alex Smith. But he'll have to forgive them if the cards are a little late. Those two will still have bowl games to play.

Posted by William Geoghegan at 9:22 PM | Comments (1)

Instant Reply in Baseball is No Blown Call

It has been debated for many years now, oft-times in the National Football League. Now the debate moves to Major League Baseball. The General Manager meetings are being held this week, and according to several media outlets, the idea of bringing a system of instant replay to the game of baseball is not out of the question.

New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said earlier this week, "You would hate to have a game, or a series, or even a season, come down to a play where they miss it and instant replay could have helped. So as far as instant replay, I'm in favor of it."

Cashman is 100 percent correct. Many calls were questioned during this year's postseason. Luckily, the umpires got the calls right, but that generally is not the case during the regular season, and in past postseason series.

I have umpired little league level baseball games before, and I can tell you by experience, some plays happen so fast, and the umpire does not always have the best view to make an accurate call. The added pressure of angry coaches and parents at times is overwhelming. Imagine being a human being, and being ridiculed by coaches, players, and thousands upon thousands of fans.

Umpires are only human.

The idea of instant replay being discussed among the GMs is fairly simple. The system will not be used to replay balls or strikes. Questionable calls on whether a ball hit is fair or foul, or a home run or not would be imposed into the system. Those situations are the ones that have more potential to influence the result of a game.

The idea of instant reply has been discussed in the past by baseball's general managers, but never got far. It is unknown how far the idea would go this year. Bob Watson, baseball's vice president of on-field operations said, "I don't see it. And I don't think the commissioner is in favor of it, either."

While traditionalists feel instant reply will damage the originality of the game, I don't believe that is the case. If you truly think about it, what harm will it do? Instant reply should be able to prevent missed calls from determining the result of a baseball game. Unfortunately, missed calls have influenced the outcome of games in the past.

In 2003, umpire Tim Welke admitted after a game that his blown call at first base may have cost the Colorado Rockies the tying run against the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Rockies lost the game.

Another example stems from the Yankees and Baltimore Orioles in the 1996 playoffs. Yankee outfielder Jeffrey Maier reached below the wall in Yankee Stadium and caught what was believed to have been a fly-out, yet was ruled as a home run.

St. Louis Cardinals fans will never forget the 1985 World Series. The turning point of the series took place after Don Denkinger called Jorge Orta safe. The Kansas City Royals won the series.

"I think its time has come," Milwaukee assistant Gord Ash said. "The technology has improved and is there. I think there's a place for it." If the technology can accommodate such a system, why not take advantage of it?

Again, umpires are only human.

Questions or feedback from the above article may be e-mailed to [email protected], or use the comments form below. For more about Martin, visit his personal website.

Posted by Martin Hawrysko at 2:57 PM | Comments (0)

November 14, 2004

The Owens/Lewis Debates

Human history is a series of great debates.

Is there a God? Nature vs. nurture? Is the Universe composed of many galaxies like our own, which has been identified as a "spiral nebulae," or are "spiral nebulae" just nearby gas clouds and the Universe is actually composed of only one big Galaxy?

Oh, and of course: "Ginger" or "Mary-Ann."

Lately, two of our most lauded orators of social palaver have added another vital issue to our cacophony of Great Debates:

"Why ya gotta hate on T.O., when Ray-Ray damn near killed two folks?"

Philadelphia Eagles receiver Terrell Owens flamboyantly mocked Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis' celebratory "squirrel dance" after a fourth-quarter touchdown in the teams' game last month. (Not quite sure where the term "squirrel dance" originated, although I imagine it's from the same great mind that coined "Dirty Bird" and the "Icky Shuffle.") The Philly crowd loved it. The Eagles loved it. Even Deion Sanders gave it props.

Ray Lewis ... not so much a fan of it.

"If you're going to play football, don't be a coward and wait until you make one play and do something. Just play football," he said.

Round 1: Owens. Is Ray saying that the issue isn't the "squirrel dance" per se, but when the "squirrel dance" is unleashed? Would T.O. have been in the clear had he simply produced a little squirrel action after dropping a five-yard quick out from McNabb in the first quarter?

Lewis continued: "His celebration doesn't mean anything. What's flattering is that he has me on his mind when he's playing at home. If anything, I thought a woman would do that. There's something wrong with that."

Round 2: Lewis. A double-whammy. First is the accurate accusation that Owens is more concerned with whom to mock and how to dance after a touchdown than with anything else football related. I'm sorry, but if you've done more prop comedy in the end zone than Carrot Top, your mind isn't on blocking for Dorsey Levens.

Second ... he basically called T.O. a bitch. Which is sweet justice, because Owens has made a name for himself by calling one of his former teammates a homo. Check that: for calling one of the toughest S.O.B.'s currently playing quarterback in the NFL, and a player who happens to be banging a string of Playmates and models, a homo. And doing so when he has pictures like this on his own official website?

Now that's the pot calling the kettle fag, isn't it?

Owens struck back the only way a player getting a verbal smackdown from Ray Lewis can: by singing the murder rap.

"I've never had any off-field problems. I've wanted to say it for a long time, but since Joey put it out there, you have a guy like Ray Lewis, who I thought was pretty much my friend. This is a guy, double-murder case, and he could have been in jail, but it seems like the league embraces a guy like that. I'm going out scoring touchdowns and having fun, but I'm the bad guy. So I don't understand it, I really don't.

Round 3: Owens. The "Joey" in question is Joey Porter of the Pittsburgh Steelers, an old enemy of Lewis' who took T.O.'s side in the Great Squirrel Dance Debate. Porter said the media makes Owens out to be the bad guy, even though "this guy [Lewis] just comes off a murder case and he comes back dancing and goes to the Super Bowl and you love every minute about it. He gets a four-minute introduction when he comes out. They absolutely go crazy for it. He makes a tackle, he dances every play, and you guys love it."

This is where the debate gets a little murky. The media jumped on Owens for bringing up Lewis' infamous brush with the law, in which he pled guilty to misdemeanor obstruction of justice and testified against two friends accused in a double-murder at an Atlanta nightclub in 2000.

Only it wasn't Owens who brought it up; it was Porter. And even if it was Owens, he'd still be right. The entire debate at this point is about character. Not ability, not dedication to the game. Character. Quick, what sullies the reputation of the league more: being implicated in a double-murder, or taking a pen out of your sock to sign a football during a game? How about this: facing significant jail time after being linked to a pair of corpses, or grabbing some pom-poms and shaking them after a touchdown?

Are we supposed to pretend Lewis' reputation wasn't permanently tarnished by his murder trial? Does making the cover of Madden 2005 absolve you of your sins? (If so, I'd starting sending Big John some fan mail if I were Rae Carruth).

Remember, just because you weren't convicted of the crime that you were on trial for doesn't mean the NFL community should embrace you.

Or am I the only one who's seen more of O.J. Simpson in "Naked Gun" reruns than on football Sundays?

After the double-murder was entered into the debate, Lewis climbed up on his cross, got out the nails and hammered away. Try as I might, I couldn't find the transcript from Ray's interview with ESPN in which he addressed Owen's tomfoolery. But I remember hearing it, and it went something like this:

"Blah blah blah it don't hurt Ray Lewis, it only makes him stronger blah blah blah rise like a phoenix blah blah blah can't keep me down, because I'm gonna rise up higher than the morning sun blah blah blah blah something something something blah."

Round 4: Lewis. Despite his incoherent blabbing about overcoming adversity, you have to hand it to Ray-Ray. Here's the most feared defensive player in football -- a guy who will take your friggin' head off and then use it as a disco ball -- successfully coming off as a victim, all because Owens pointed out the obvious. Does Lewis do a stupid little dance to celebrate? Yes. Was he implicated in a double-murder? Yes. Does the NFL treat him better than Owens, who by any standard is a good citizen off the field? If not better, than at least as well.

This exchange reminds me of another debate, one between President Bush and Sen. Kerry. Remember when Kerry mentioned Dick Cheney's gay daughter? And Cheney was all, "Oh no, you dit-ent" and Lynn Cheney was all "oh yes, he did" and John Kerry was all "but she's been out for years and has been actively courting the gay vote for you" and the media was all "OH NO, HE DIT-ENT!!!"?

Feigning offense: the debater's best friend.

Lewis' comments led to Owens lowering his guns and looking for a hug. "I talked to Ray the other day and I apologized to him. I told him that I owed it to him."

The mea culpa was over the murder case comments, for which T.O. blamed the media and perhaps his invisible friend Harvey: "If you look at the transcript of what I said -- get the whole story -- that's not me. That's not my character to take personal shots."

(Uh, I'm pretty sure there's a guy playing quarterback in Cleveland who might disagree with that last part.)

Round 5: Lewis. Owens came off like a puss at the end of this debate. There wasn't anything he said about Lewis or did on the field that he should apologize for. Yet here he is, with the media on his case, kissing the cleats of Ray Lewis. Pathetic. Next time you grab those pom-poms, Terrell, make sure you're wearing the matching skirt.

Winner: Ray Lewis. By default. Owens should have cleaned his clock, but that would have required some spine that T.O. obviously doesn't possess.

Still, give Terrell this: he's got balls.

I sure as hell wouldn't do the "squirrel dance" to mock someone who could freakin' kill me.

Or at least might know some guys that'd do it for him.

Random Thoughts

"After the album comes out, I'm going to make sure all of my time is focused on winning a championship." -- Ron Artest, Indiana Pacers

If there's a more symbolic quotation regarding the NBA's steady descent from the most successful league this side of the NFL to a boring waste-of-time-until-the-playoffs collection of pseudo-stars, please point it out to me...

Hard liquor ads for NASCAR? Yep. NASCAR President Mike Helton told the Washington Post that, among other things, racing fans and other Americans "increasingly view alcohol as part of everyday life and no longer draw a stark distinction between beer and distilled spirits."

If this is the attitude down in the Red States, I just had about 40 million votes explained to me.

Seriously, does Helton really believe that majority of Americans think "let's grab a beer after work" is easily swapped with "let's grab a Wild Turkey on the rocks after work?" Do we go to the corner store and compare the price of a sixer of Miller Lite and a liter of Cuervo?

All I know is this: my first DUI (and judging from my genes, it's bound to happen sometime), I'm playing the "But I Was Just Trying to Emulate the No. 14 Jim Beam Car, Officer" card...

It's impossible to know what it's like to wake up and find out that Quincy Carter is your starting quarterback ... until it happens to you...

Charlotte Bobcats fans who were calling an incorrectly-listed toll-free number in the Bell South White Pages ended up being connected with a sex chat line instead of the team's box office.

Which is odd, really, because NBA fans usually feel like they've been screwed after they purchase their tickets...

The New Orleans Saints are planning to unveil their latest proposal to the Louisiana Legislature in order to secure funding for a stadium upgrade. Their goal is to renovate the Superdome into a state-of-the-art facility they will be proud to suck in for years to come...

IMDB.com reports that religious conservative groups are planning against protests against Fox Searchlight's film, "Kinsey," about pioneering sex researcher Alfred Kinsey. In fact, Robert Knight of Concerned Women of America argued that the film "lionized" someone whom belongs in the same breath as Nazi Dr. Josef Mengele.

Two questions about this controversy:

1. What the hell is a man doing speaking on behalf of the Concerned Women of America? Isn't that like me speaking on behalf of the Black Panther Party?

2. Is anyone surprised that a film about Kinsey would attract a bunch of jerk-offs?

Jim Bates has replaced Dave Wannstedt as head coach of the Miami Dolphins. Bates, a longtime NFL assistant, has actually only had two head coaching jobs in his career: the San Antonio Gunslingers of the USFL and Sevier County High School in Tennessee. The former should have given Bates some insight into the inner workings of a pro team; the latter should have given him ample experience working with the JV, something vital for any 2004 Dolphins coach...

And finally...

"Has anyone here taken a thriving sport, pissed all over its history, disregarded what its paying customers wanted to see, failed to successfully market it to the point where "Moesha" reruns on UPN get better ratings, and currently has it stranded in a labor quagmire that could stretch into the next decade, all the while acting like a Napoleonic little prick whose only redeeming quality is that one day he'll stop breathing?"

Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].

Posted by Greg Wyshynski at 2:24 PM | Comments (1)

JoePa on the Edge

Let's get one thing clear. I'm not terribly impressed with JoePaterno.

I was a Pitt -- now the University of Pittsburgh -- fan when growing up and attended one of the school's branch campuses. The Penn State coach, in my view, was especially petty when he discontinued the intrastate rivalry because he wanted Pittsburgh to play two games in Unhappy Valley for every one in Pittsburgh.

He's a Republican, which seems a little strange, considering that it was a Republican President, Richard Nixon, who took time out from running the Vietnam War to deprive Penn State of an chance at a national championship after an undefeated season in 1969 by anointing Texas as the best team in the land.

Paterno's reputation for integrity is well overblown. In the past few years, Paterno's charges have been accused of rape, beating up cops, and -- worst of all -- beating up members of the wrestling team, which recently has been far more successful than the football team.

Not only all that, but his life-size cardboard cutout is particularly creepy. When there is one in the room, no matter where you stand, Paterno's eyes appear to be looking right at you!

All that aside, rumors of the end of Paterno's era at Penn State are greatly exaggerated. Or at least they should be.

Paterno has earned one more year, if for no other reason than for his service to Penn State University -- which, but for his term of employment, would be little more than Pennsylvania's cow college (it was founded as an agricultural school under the Land Grant Act of 1857).

Football history, both for Penn State and the Pittsburgh Steelers, would have been far different, and not necessarily for the better in either case, had Paterno accepted the Steelers offer in 1969 to be their head coach. His rejection worked out well for the Steelers because their second choice was Chuck Noll.

Penn State didn't fare too badly ,either, and neither did Paterno. Success has made him wealthy enough to donate piles of money back to the university, which has named a library in his honor.

And one more year might be all JoePa needs to polish his now-tarnished legacy.

The weakness in State College has been on offense, specifically the offensive line and quarterback. Next year's front is going to be bigger and more experienced. Next year's quarterback is Anthony Morelli.

How good is Morelli? Here's all you need to know: he threw more than 200 passes his senior year while playing high school ball at Penn Hills (Pa.) High School for coach Neil Gordon, who would rather eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the Fear Factor Café for the rest of his life than call a pass play.

In 1995, Penn Hills won a state championship with two 1,000-yard rushers, an offensive line that outweighed the Steelers' line the same season, and threw something like 50 passes in 15 games.

After last season, Morelli was the most heavily-recruited quarterback in the country and Paterno swiped him from the University of Pittsburgh, which had a verbal commitment from the blue-chipper. That indicates JoePa still has something under the bonnet when it comes to recruiting.

At least in Pennsylvania, Paterno is still dominating the recruiting wars. One of the reasons that University of Pittsburgh coach Walt Harris will probably get fired this season is that he hasn't been able to stop Paterno from recruiting Pitt's backyard.

Part of that isn't Harris' fault. Playing in the Big 10 is far more enticing to a high school senior than lining up in the MAC ... I mean the Big East -- both of those conferences look the same to me.

Last year, he got Morelli and defensive lineman A.Q. Shipley. The year before that, it was linebacker Paul Posluszny. The last top western Pennsylvania prospect that got away from Paterno was wide receiver-punt returner Steve Breaston, and he went to Michigan.

This season, as quarterbacks Zack Mills and Michael Robinson have been turning in one dismal performance after another, there has been one question on the lips of Nittany Lions Nation -- where's Morelli?

Paterno's stock answer is that Morelli hasn't been ready. In truth, the real answer is that the rest of the offense hasn't been ready.

Morelli will be ready next season. Paterno is betting his legacy on it. There is every reason to believe that JoePa isn't heeding all of the calls for his retirement because he expects next year's team to bring his coaching career to a more fitting conclusion than this year's will.

Of the 22 players who started for the Nittany Lions in their Nov. 6 loss to Northwestern, 19 are underclassmen. And of the three who are graduating, one is Mills, who is only keeping a seat warm for Morelli.

Robinson, a game-breaking wide receiver and a back-breaking quarterback, will be playing wideout next season.

On defense, Penn State is returning nearly all of a defensive lineup that has played well enough to have the Nittany Lions contend for the Big 10 title.

There are a lot of people who are saying the game has passed Paterno by. That goes with the territory when you're a 77-year-old with four losing seasons in the past five.

But I'm reserving judgment, because I have a feeling that all the people who are saying Paterno is past his sell-by date right now will look silly next year if Penn State wins at least nine games next year.

On the College Football Sidelines...

Can things get any worse for the Big Least? First, Miami and Virginia Tech, which have won just about every football championship in conference history, defect to the ACC.

Then, Boston College decides to bolt, as well. And, as a parting shot, the Eagles upset West Virginia to all but wrap up the conference title. The two teams are likely to finish tied, depending on what happens when WVU meets Pitt the day after Thanksgiving, but BC would win on a tiebreaker based on its win over the Mountaineers.

That means the Big East's representative in the BCS bowls will probably be a football team that, on Jan. 2, will no longer be in the conference.

This week, the Big East's powers that be should call a special meeting, in which the conference changes its tiebreaker rules to read, in effect, "Teams who are scheduled to leave the conference shall lose all ties in the standings, regardless of other tiebreaker outcomes."

Then, Michael Tranghese, conference commissioner, can turn to BC coach Tom O’Brien and say, "Have fun in your second-tier bowl and good luck in the ACC."

Posted by Eric Poole at 11:36 AM | Comments (0)

November 13, 2004

Mike Davis' Last Chance to Perform?

Is it fair to criticize the job Mike Davis has done in his first three seasons of work as head coach at Indiana University? The "big shoes to fill" cliché has seemed to have worn off and it is time for Davis to start his own legacy.

In his first three years as head coach, Davis has compiled a 67-38 record, including a 29-19 Big 10 mark. For Indiana, that would be grounds to be run out of Bloomington while being lit on fire by the townsfolk. A certain former legendary coach started his first three season's 56-12, with a blistering 41-5 mark in the Big 10.

Davis' saving grace, obviously, was the miracle performance his team put up in the NCAA tournament title game. Once the delirium of being in a title game for the first time since 1987 wore off, the criticism started right in on Davis.

He was accused of not acting professional enough during the Duke game, crawling under his chair after Jay Williams of Duke was fouled on a three-point attempt late in a regional game.

He was criticized for relying too much on the three-point shot, which was what propelled them into the Final Four, after a 15-19 shooting performance from behind the arc against Kent State.

The biggest criticism though, was that the players on the floor were Bobby Knight's players, and therefore Davis was just the recipient of Knight's great recruiting.

While Davis is admittedly not the smartest or most experienced coach, he is a player's coach. When Indiana was down 17 in the second half to Duke in the regional semi-final, Davis called a timeout and rallied his troops.

It's not known what was said, but whatever it was visibly brought life to a team that was sleepwalking through the game.

We have come to a breaking point, though.

Last season was an embarrassment for the Hoosiers, and Davis cannot weather another losing record season. I would go as far to say that is Davis doesn't qualify his team for the NCAA tournament this year, he will be gone.

In the same vein as FireRonZook.com, a website called FireMikeDavis.com is recording record hits and will probably continue to grow if the season turns bleak.

The fans are fed up with mediocrity. Last season included such low-lights as a 33-point point loss to Wake Forest and a 39-point loss to Kentucky. The Hoosiers also lost seven-of-eight late in the Big 10 season, including all four the team played at home.

That is unacceptable.

As many struggles as Davis has gone through though, I believe he should be given at least two years to prove himself. Indiana has a gaggle of young talent strolling into Bloomington this year, and to have Davis' job hang on the performance of them is insane.

Davis heard the cries that Indiana had become too slow and relied too much on the three-point shot. He heard the rain of boo's and jeers at Assembly Hall, that the game had passed the program by.

Davis responded with a recruiting class that was rated in the top-five of pretty much every sporting magazine in America.

The loss of Josh Smith to the NBA draft put a big wrinkle into the incoming class, but I think Davis knew deep down that after the McDonalds All-American game that Smith was headed out.

What Davis does have to work with is still mighty impressive.

Robert Vaden should make the most impact for the team early, since he has already broken into the starting lineup for the Hoosiers. The 6-5 small forward is a versatile player that can fall into many different roles for the team.

D.J. White has also cracked into the starting five with his early season performances. The 6-9, 230-pound White adds size and strength to a normally dormant and ineffective frontcourt.

The combination of White and Vaden, along with proven leaders Bracey Wright and Marshall Strickland, could provide some electricity in Assembly Hall this season that hasn't been experienced for a while.

It could also be a disaster. Two freshman starters trying to mix with two team leaders such as Wright and Strickland has the possibility of becoming a chuck-it-up show. This will prove to be Davis' greatest problem he has to deal with this season: making Indiana play as a team, instead of four star individuals (plus Pat Ewing).

Davis didn't help his cause this season with the scheduling. Not only does he have to go through the rigorous Big 10 schedule that includes Illinois, Michigan State and Wisconsin, but Indiana plays four top-20 teams in a row during the non-conference part of the schedule.

The Hoosiers get North Carolina and Notre Dame at home, and the team goes on the road to battle Connecticut and Kentucky. The Hoosiers also play at Missouri before the Big 10 season, a team that beat them in Bloomington last year.

Davis has to look at that stretch and figure that he would be thrilled with a 2-3 record in that time span.

There was a time when an Indiana fan would look at that stretch optimistically and be upset with more than one loss. But those days are over. The Hoosier nation has been reduced to the equivalent of a Florida hurricane victim, just riding out the storm and hoping for the best.

The university has been behind Davis from day one, but that was mostly because the players threatened to leave the team if Davis wasn't hired. Something tells me that has left a bad taste in the mouths of the alumni, because they certainly don't like to be told to do anything.

I believe Davis deserves another chance, but a stand must be taken sometime. Indiana fans have heard "wait until next year" for three years now and Davis might not get the chance to for a fourth.

Posted by Cory Danner at 1:12 PM | Comments (1)

November 11, 2004

NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 10

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Baltimore @ N.Y. Jets

"Doggone it!" yells Jet head coach Herman Edwards. "Chad Pennington had to go and hurt his shoulder right before this week's tough test against the Ravens. Now he's out two to four weeks. If that arm doesn't heal right, Chad probably won't even be able to throw a Nerf football. Doggone it!"

"Settle down, Coach. Santana Moss here. You may have forgotten I was on the team, what with Chad not being able to throw the ball more than 15 yards downfield. I think Chad considers a deep ball a five-yard swing pass. It's no coincidence that as soon as Quincy Carter replaced Chad, he hit me with a 51-yard TD bomb. In case you had forgotten, I'm a deep threat."

"Okay, Santana. You get the start."

"Ah, Coach. I'm already a starter."

"I see. Here's a quarter. Call someone who cares."

As Moss heads to the pay phone, Raven linebacker Ray Lewis is frothing at the mouth at the prospect of stalking the backup Jets' quarterback.

"To use a story title of famous Baltimore native Edgar Allan Poe, whose work I have never read," Lewis comments, "Quincy Carter will suffer 'A Descent into the Maelström' when he faces the Ravens defense."

Damn Ray, that's bound to strike fear into Carter, you quoting classic literature and all.

"Check this one out: 'T.O., T.O., wherefore art thou, T.O., you punk-ass bitch?' That's Shakespeare, you know."

Is Terrell Owens still getting to you, Ray? You better let that go and worry about the Jets.

"It's all good. From now on, the Ravens take no more prisoners. Nevermore," quoth the Raven. "Nevermore."

Lewis and the Ravens' defenders shut down the Jet attack, and the Baltimore offense does the rest. No wait, the Baltimore offense does nothing.

Ravens win, 17-14.

Chicago @ Tennessee

Well, it looks like the "A-Train" Anthony Thomas is back on the tracks after playing backup to Thomas Jones to this point in the year. Thomas rushed for 129 yards and two touchdowns to lead the Bears to a 28-21 comeback win over the Giants last week.

"There's no doubting Thomas, now. Anthony Thomas, that is. If Thomas Jones can't play with a sprained toe, I gladly fill in. What is a sprained toe anyway? Is there any thing in a toe to sprain? I could be walking around with five or six sprained toes right now. I've played with mistletoe before, I've played with camel toe before, so I know I'm tougher than Thomas Jones."

"Yes, A-Train is on a roll," Bear coach Lovie Smith says. "So, when Thomas Jones gets healthy, we'll have a nice one-two punch. You know, I was watching Wheel of Fortune the other night, and I was thinking that a great puzzle in the 'Before and After' category would be 'Anthony Thomas Jones.' I know I should have been thinking of ways to beat Tennessee, but, damn! Vanna White is fine. Pat, let me get an 'S' and an 'X', and I'd also like to buy a vowel: an 'E', please."

"Oh. I'm sorry," Pat Sajak replies, "there is no 'S', 'E', or 'X'."

Sorry, Lovie. I know a "free spin" would come in handy, especially after Titan running back Chris Brown solves the puzzle that is the Bear defense. Quarterback Steve McNair makes his return to the lineup and lets Brown do most of the work.

The Titans win a tough, 24-14 dogfight.

Detroit @ Jacksonville

"Do you remember several years back, it was either at the Grammy's or one of those meaningless music awards show," explains Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio, "when one of the members of Boyz II Men introduced the Van Halen album 0U812 as '0 U 8 twelve'? Remember that? It's 'Oh, you ate one, too' but he says 'Oh. You ate twelve'? That was awesome."

Uh, yeah, Jack Del Rio, I remember that. And?

"Oh. That's just an example of two differing worlds colliding, much like the worlds of Jack Del Rio and Steve Mariucci colliding this Sunday. Back my playing days, I was a hard-nosed linebacker, and that attitude is reflected in the play of my Jags. Mariucci is an Eye-talian pretty boy and his team plays in his image. We're going to pound the Lions into the ground."

"Jack Del Rio doesn't scare me," Mariucci retorts, "especially when he's in Jacksonville and I'm in Detroit. If he wants to start a war of words, that's fine. Who cares if Jack Del Rio was a player? If they called you 'hard-nosed', that just meant you were slow and white. And he should watch how he criticizes my Italian heritage. How does he think Byron Leftwich got his knee injury? I had my goons take care of him. And finally, the only Jaguars I care about are the three in my garage."

Indeed, Leftwich is out for this game and probably next week's, as well. In his absence, third-year man David Garrard will assume quarterbacking duties.

"We are confident in David's abilities," Jack Del Rio. "Much like Byron, he is big, strong, and has a good arm. He's also a graduate of East Carolina University, a fortress of higher learning and quite the party school, I hear. That being said, we feel that David can handle the mental aspects of managing the game, and if he needs to bong a six-pack for us to win, we feel confident in that area, as well."

Garrard manages the game nicely, and the Jags rely on their defense and the running of Fred Taylor to wear down the Lions. Although Garrard finds he doesn't need to bong beers to insure victory, he does funnel a quart of Gatorade® after a particularly thirst-inducing fourth quarter scramble. Garrard throws for 150 yards and a touchdown, and Taylor rushes for 115 and a score.

Jacksonville wins, 30-13.

Houston @ Indianapolis

"The similarities between myself and David Carr are downright uncanny," says a clearly-shaken Peyton Manning. "This stuff is eerie. I'm getting goose bumps just thinking about it. We are both right-handed throwers, and, here's the really freaky part, we're both white. Oooh, my spine is tingling! Wait! There's more. We both throw touchdown passes. He's got nine. I've got 26. So, yeah, since you asked, we do have a lot of similarities."

That's great, Peyton, but I didn't ask. But I'll ask you this: will you break Dan Marino's single-season touchdown pass mark of 48?

"Man, records don't mean a whole lot to me. What's most important are Super Bowls. The great quarterbacks are measured by their Super Bowl wins. You don't hear Marino mentioned with Terry Bradshaw, Joe Montana, Bart Starr, Steve Young, etc. because Marino never won that Super Bowl. That's why I would gladly give up all my touchdowns for a Super Bowl. Of course, the Colts without my touchdowns would be like the Colts and Mike Pagel -- they'd go nowhere. I'm hoping Marvin Harrison and Edgerrin James will re-sign next year, and with all the money spent on the three of us, we should have enough change left over to keep our discount defense together."

The Colts face an inconsistent yet explosive Texan team that features its own mini-version of the Manning-James-Harrison triumvirate: quarterback David Carr, running back Dominic Davis, and wide receiver Andre Johnson.

"Triumvirate means 'three', right?" asks James in his golden-toothed drawl. "So, the only thing they have in common with us is there are three of them?"

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But Edge, baby, don't look past Houston. They can score; maybe not as much as the Colts, but they do have firepower. Maybe with a few Colt turnovers, they can hang in there.

"Not in Indy, baby. We're 3-0 at home against teams that are not Jacksonville."

Good point. Manning adds three more TD passes in his quest to catch Marino. The Colts' threesome is way better than the Texans'.

Indianapolis wins, 34-23.

"Threesome? Now that's the kind of usage of the number three I like," James adds, heading out into the Indy nightlife.

Kansas City @ New Orleans

New Orleans coach Jim Haslett is on the proverbial "hot seat", his job status up in the air after the Saints' 3-5 start and recent 43-17 shellacking at the hands of the Chargers.

"It's no wonder I'm on the 'hot seat,'" Haslett explains. "If you had taken as many ass-beatings as my Saints and I have, your ass would be on fire, too."

Jim, I don't know who's running the show there in New Orleans, but they seem to give you just as many second chances as you give your quarterback Aaron Brooks. You did see Brooks throw a fully-backwards lateral to one of his offensive lineman last Sunday, didn't you?

"Yes, I saw that," Haslett replies, "and I was very disappointed. Wayne Gandy should have caught that. It was right to him. I know Aaron's been in the league six years, but he's still entitled to 90-100 rookie mistakes a year, isn't he?"

The Chiefs find themselves in familiar positions: coming off a loss to an inferior team, and needing to score 40 or more points to win their next game. And they may have to score that 40 without Priest Holmes, superstar, who is hurting with strained knee ligaments.

"We are confident that if Priest can't go," Chief coach Dick Vermeil says, "Derrick Blaylock can fill in, as well as Larry Johnson, who just recently took off his diapers and is now in pull-ups. It's the Saints, for Christ's sake, anybody can run on them."

"Excuse me coach," Holmes replies, "please don't use my Father's name in vain."

"My bad, Priest. My bad."

Haslett tries to loosen his team up early by replacing Vermeil's red challenge flag with Mardi Gras beads. Everyone gets a laugh when Vermeil challenges a call, which results in several topless officials, but no overturned call. The Chiefs score the forty they need, but it turns out they don't need quite as much. Holmes sits, but the Chiefs' running game clicks anyway, as does their passing game. Trent Green throws four TD passes, and the Chiefs win, 40-27. Haslett's seat gets even hotter, and his situation is exacerbated when his slacks spontaneously combust on his way home.

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland

After laying waste to the Eagles, the last undefeated team in the league, exactly one week after vanquishing the Patriots and their 21-game winning streak, the Steelers stand firmly atop the NFL as the league's undisputed best team.

"I realize that greatness is fleeting in the NFL," says Bill Cowher, "and I want my guys to enjoy this moment. They know that nothing is forever, except diamonds and Ric Flair, but we will be disappointed if all this does not lead to a Super Bowl win."

As if things couldn't get any better in Pittsburgh, Cowher was just named to People magazines "50 Most Beautiful People in the World" list. Now, if you believe that, you have to be blind, an idiot, or you could just be one of the many blissful Steeler fans who believe that this is the year that everything goes the Steelers' way.

And so far, everything has been hunky-dory for Steeler Nation. Tommy Maddox now resides on the bench. Check. Rookie Ben Roethlisberger will be the quarterback well into the future, and is the clear favorite for Rookie of the Year honors. Check. The Steeler running game is consistent and powerful with Duce Staley and Jerome Bettis. Check. And Hines Ward single-handedly humiliated the Eagles with two touchdowns, one of which he celebrated by mocking one of many Terrell Owens' touchdown displays. Checkmate.

"Just answer me one question, guy," asks Cowher. "What can Brown do for me?"

I'll tell what Brown(s) can do for you. They can lose to you. Sure, they're at home and have two pretty tough running backs in Lee Suggs and William Green, but your Steelers have the number one ranked rush defense in the league, as well as the sixth-best passing defense.

"Sounds like the Browns will be black and blue," Cowher adds.

That's just the kind of thing I'd expect you to say, Bill. But you are right. The Pittsburgh defense puts down the Brown, and the Browns defense lacks the manpower to stop the abundance of Steeler offensive weapons (Roethlisberger, Staley, Bettis, Ward, Plaxico Burress, et al).

Steelers win, 23-13.

Seattle @ St. Louis

Can somebody find old-school rapper Kool Moe Dee and have him perform his hit "Wild Wild West"? Because that song totally represents the unpredictability of the NFC West. By unpredictable, I mean that the Rams and Seahawks treat the division lead as if it's a flaming hot potato; neither can hold it for any length of time. And, by the way, if you do find Kool Moe Dee and he agrees to perform, give him $20 bucks and a hot meal, okay?

If the Rams win Sunday, St. Louis and Seattle will share 5-4 records, but the Rams will have the edge with two wins over the Seahawks. A Seattle victory gives the Seahawks a full two-game lead on the Rams. A tie and ... who cares? This ain't soccer.

"I am making a solemn promise right here, right now," Ram coach Mike Martz vows. "We will not allow Seahawk kicker Josh Brown to beat us, at least not with his arm. No more touchdown passes from kickers on my watch. Never again!"

How does the saying go? Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame ... forget that! I've got a new adage, and it goes like this: If you are an NFL head coach and you allow a kicker to throw a touchdown pass against you, you are an imbecile. And if you allow the receiver on the play to go unnoticed, you are a nincompoop. Martz, check the 2005 edition of Aesop's Fables. There's a new fable starring yourself, and guess what? Just like in real life, you play a buffoon.

"We don't need to resort to trickery to beat the Rams," Seattle coach Mike Holmgren adds. "But we might do it anyway. I've designed a nifty play in which we line up to punt on first down and allow the defense to stop us. Thinking it was fourth down, they will send their offense on the field. That's when we go deep on second down for the score. I'm pretty sure Martz would fall for that."

Holmgren saves that for later. The Seahawks know they should have beaten the Rams in October, but blew a 27-10 fourth quarter lead. They won't blow the lead this time. This game should be a shootout, but the Seahawks defense has a huge edge. They will make the stops when it counts. And Shaun Alexander will score two touchdowns and amass 140 yards rushing against one of the league's worst run defenses.

Seahawks exact revenge and win, 35-30.

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

Sunday's showdown between the 3-5 Bucs and the 6-2 Falcons could be a season-altering game for Tampa Bay.

"Yes, that's right," says Buc running back Michael Pittman. "If we win, we're only two games back, in striking distance, which would truly make it a season-altering game. Which, in turn, would call for some mind-altering drugs. I've still got a wicked buzz from the post-game celebration last week, after my three-touchdown day versus the Chiefs. That, in turn, calls for some urine-altering masking agents, which I regularly receive from my physician, Dr. I.P. Freeley."

But seriously, Pittman is in top form and should give the Falcons' linebackers and secondary problems with his speed and pass-catching ability. Brian Griese has finally found a home and is becoming an efficient quarterback. And Tampa's defense has a history of shutting down Michael Vick.

"Well, it's like you said, man," Vick responds. "It's history. A-T-L runs the NFC South now, not the Bucs, not the Panthers, and certainly not the other team in our division, whose name eludes me. Don't even give me the argument that Tampa beat the Chiefs and the Chiefs beat us 56-10, so therefore, Tampa will beat us."

The Falcons are rested and at home, and Vick, Warrick Dunn, and T.J. Duckett should be enough to propel the Falcons to victory. Atlanta, however, will be without backup quarterback Matt Schaub, who was arrested last Saturday for assault and battery in Charlottesville, Virginia.

"Some drunk college punk recognized me," Schaub explains, "and started talking junk, so I whipped his ass. If that's a crime, I'm guilty. That's the price you pay when you're famous."

Or semi-famous, in your case.

Atlanta wins and inches closer to the NFC South crown with a 22-17 win.

Cincinnati @ Washington

"Enough is enough and it's time for a change," says Redskin coach Joe Gibbs.

What, Joe? You're going to quit and save Daniel Snyder the satisfaction of firing you?

"Quit? No way," Gibbs replies. "I'm talking about a quarterback change. Mark Brunell's not getting the job done. Clinton Portis threw a 15-yard touchdown pass with his only attempt of the game last week. Can you imagine what his numbers would be like if we can get him 20-25 passing attempts per game? So Clinton gets the start at QB versus the Bengals."

"Ha ha. That Gibbs is such a joker," laughs Bengal coach Marvin Lewis. "Uh. Wait. He's serious? Portis really is starting? Darn! Now I'll need a little extra time to game plan. Okay, I'm done. If you saw Portis throw that TD pass Sunday, you know that he threw it as hard as he could and it only sailed 15 yards. Therefore, we're going to bring up our safeties and stop Portis on the run and force him to throw. When he does, our cornerbacks will jump the routes and make the picks. Simple enough."

Yes, simple enough. As are the minds of coaches who have led their teams to 3-5 records in divisions where the leader sports a 7-1 record. Both teams are dangerously near to appearing on Kenny Blankenship's "Most Painful Mathematical Playoff Eliminations of the Week" of Spike TV's Most Extreme Elimination Challenge fame. And, it's not a stretch to say that MXC's Guy LaDouche and Captain Tenneal could probably lead these two teams to better won-loss records.

"LaDouche and Tenneal are certainly persuasive," adds Gibbs. "I love MXC, and you would think men with the ability to convince hordes of Asians to participate in physically dangerous and emotionally degrading stunts would make perfect coaches in the NFL. But enticing 100 pound Japanese civilians to dive in to raw sewage is one thing; making a 340-pound offensive lineman do that extra jumping jack is another."

But let's give Lewis and Gibbs credit. They are basically running teams with quarterbacks who should be flashing hand signals to the starter instead of starting themselves.

"Hey, I'm trying to drop hints to Carson," Lewis explains. "Last week, Jon Kitna and I presented him with a Ryan Leaf Chargers' jersey. He didn't get it at all."

It may take an act of God to hasten Palmer's benching, or maybe a fatal fall on MXC's "Rotating Surfboard of Death". Or maybe just a bad game against the 'Skins. Portis sticks to rushing. The 'Skins flatten Palmer.

Washington wins, 21-10.

Carolina @ San Francisco

This showdown between one-win wonders is being billed at the "Alien Versus Predator Game of the Week." In other words, it should be entertaining, with lots of offense and bad acting, but in the end, does anyone care who wins?

"Only those people with serious gambling habits," answers Panther coach John Fox. "This game may be forgotten by those wishing to see a game with playoff implications, but there are people out there who actually put money on games like this. We've got to give them our best, else they may end up with cracked kneecaps, or worse, in a gambling addicts support group. Now, I'd like to introduce my good friend Pete Rose, who is here to convince my team that there is still something to play for, even though we are 1-7."

Rose enters the room in a full sprint, and arrives at the podium with a head-first dive. Fox signals him "safe", and Rose then entertains with a 30-minute speech convincing the Panthers that by betting on themselves, they will be motivated to play harder.

"And, by the way," Rose adds, "don't buy the Alien Versus Predator DVD and try to bet on the winner. I did, but that DVD has alternate endings, so it was a push. And, oh yeah, the same goes for Freddy Versus Jason, too. "

Rose should be in the Hall of Fame for that information alone, not to mention the 4,256 hits.

The only thing that could make this game interesting (besides Pete Rose showing up dressed as a chicken and being pile driven by professional wrestler Kane -- it did happen) is if actress Sigourney Weaver arrived and challenged California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to a fight. Weaver beat the alien in Aliens, and Arnold took care of the Predator in Predator, so, naturally, they should meet for the universal title. My money would be on Weaver. And mine is on the 49ers.

San Fran wins, 30-27.

Minnesota @ Green Bay

As Brett Favre jogs onto the lukewarm tundra at Lambeau Field, the sounds of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" herald his entrance.

"Sabbath rules, man," Favre says, pumping his fist. "They kick ass! If I had a cigarette lighter, I would light it and hold it high in the air. What are they playing this song for anyway? Are professional wrestling icons The Road Warriors here?"

Sooner than he'd like, Favre has his answer, as he is lifted onto the shoulders of Road Warrior Animal. Road Warrior Hawk then climbs onto the crossbar in the east end zone and delivers a flying clothesline, sending Favre somersaulting backwards, landing him face first in the grass.

Favre bounces back up, brushes himself off, and says, "Is that all you got, Hawk?!"

Road Warrior Hawk sheepishly replies, "Give me a break, Favre. I've been dead for over a year now. Incidentally, I think they were playing that song in homage to you, since you're preparing to start your 182nd consecutive regular season game, despite numerous injuries."

"Hey, where's my helmet?" Favre asks.

"You're wearing it," replies Road Warrior Animal.

The Vikings enter Sunday's game headed in a different direction than the Packers. The Vikings have lost two-straight; the Packers currently have a three-game winning streak. A Packer win and there's a tie atop the NFC North.

"What?! This game is for first?" asks Randy Moss. "I better get out there. Oooh! I think I just tweaked my hammy! Looks like I'll be on the stationary bike on the sidelines Sunday. You know, I tried to steal one of these when I was younger, before I knew what 'stationary' meant. I couldn't figure out why that bike wouldn't move, even though I was pedaling 90 miles per hour. I got arrested and spent the night in jail. Ah. Good times."

The number in the Viking's win column remains "stationary." Favre throws two touchdown passes, and Ahman Green rushes for 100 and a score.

Green Bay wins, 31-24.

N.Y. Giants @ Arizona

The Giants blew a golden opportunity last Sunday to pull within one game of the Eagles by losing to the Bears, at home, no less.

"Yes, it was a golden opportunity," adds Giants defensive end and gap-toothed ambassador Michael Strahan. "We pissed away a 14-0 lead, then the Bears shut down our run game, then they dropped a golden shower on Kurt Warner, forcing him into two interceptions and two fumbles. That's the Kurt Warner we're all familiar with. You know, it's games like this that discourage me into quitting football and pursuing my first love, competitive watermelon seed spitting. I think I could be a superstar in that field, as well. And, what do you know, I just found out I'm out for the season with a torn pectoral muscle. Competitive watermelon seed-spitters: watch out!"

The Giants may indeed be headed for a tailspin. With upcoming home games against the Falcons and Eagles, followed by road games against two of the league's best defenses, Washington and Baltimore, New York is nearing its toughest stretch of the season.

"That's why it is imperative that we not necessarily work harder, but work smarter," Giants coach Tom Coughlin says.

"That's like the dumbest line I've ever heard," comments Tiki Barber. "That's the kind of crap you say to a team of accountants, not a football team. I'd go slap Coughlin now, but I just don't feel like running suicides."

If Arizona can beat the Giants, and St. Louis beats Seattle, then the Cardinals would only be one game out of the NFC West lead.

"Come on, man," a dubious Dennis Green says, "you're jiving me."

I'm serious Dennis. Go check the standings.

"Dang, you're right. Thanks, pal. You just wrote my pre-game speech."

If that is, in fact, what Green says to his troops before the game, it works. A fired up Arizona squad frustrates the Giants, and Coughlin just stands on the sidelines muttering, "That's pathetic." Rising big-timer Larry Fitzgerald has a 100-yard receiving day with a TD.

Cardinals win, 24-23.

Buffalo @ New England

"Normally, I don't use this kind of language except with my grandchildren," explains New England head coach Bill Bellichick, "and it pains me to use such profane verbiage. But damn! I just made Mike Martz my bitch!"

Bellichick easily outsmarted St. Louis' resident self-proclaimed genius Mike Martz in leading the Patriots to a 40-22 destruction of the Rams.

"And the cool thing was," Bellichick explains, "I only used 20 percent of my brain to do so. And half of that 20 percent was spent on this week's Buffalo game plan. Let me count the ways in which I bitch-slapped Martz: uno, dos, tres, catorce. Yeah, that's right. There were 14, but I'll just give you the top three. First, I use wide receiver Troy Brown as a defensive back, and he dominates. Then, Brady throws a TD pass to linebacker Mike Vrabel. Finally, kicker Adam Vinatieri throws a TD pass to WR/DB Troy Brown. I thought about allowing Corey Dillon to kick a few extra points, but I didn't want to rub it in. Martz is a tool."

Yes, I agree. But if Martz is a tool, what is Buffalo coach Mike Mularkey?

Well, besides having a last name that means "nonsense," Mularkey would be a viable candidate for Rookie Coach of the Year -- if you didn't count the first six games of the year. But, in all seriousness, Mularkey has turned around the Bills' early season misfortune. Willis McGahee is the man, and his running has taken much of the pressure to pass off of Drew Bledsoe. Play action is back in Buffalo. And the Bills' defense is for real. All that being said, the Bills are playing the defending NFL champs, which translates into a loss no matter how you look at it.

New England wins a physical battle, 20-16.

Philadelphia @ Dallas

"It's tough being T.O.," laments Terrell Owens. "People either love me or hate me. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure what I like best: being loved or being hated. It's just as cool to me to sign an autograph for a little kid as it is to slap a heckler across the face. All I know is I love me. Win, lose, or draw, Terrell Owens goes out and plays hard and always produces."

He continues, "The people that hate me got on my case last week for not having a good game. I tell them: check the stats. I caught seven passes for 53 yards. On the surface, that may not look like much, but dig a little deeper. You'll see that Donovan McNabb only had 109 yards passing. I had almost half of his passing yardage! And I wasn't yelling at Donovan on the sidelines. I was just trying to keep him positive. I was talking to him with a smile on my face. I don't know how people get the idea that I was criticizing him. Damn, it's tough being T.O."

On Monday night, the Eagles look to re-establish their dominance at the expense of the reeling Cowboys, who are tied for last in the East.

"Hold on man, T.O.'s got a lot more to say. I know the Cowboys, like everyone, will be gunning for me. I'm sure everyone remembers me running to midfield and posing on the Dallas star. That was awesome. I'm sure Keyshawn Johnson has some silly mockery of me up his sleeve if he scores. And that's a big if. But so what if he mocks me. I loved it when Hines Ward imitated me last Sunday. Damn, that's just more publicity for me. Did anybody get on Ward for mocking me like they got on me for mocking Ray Lewis? No? My point exactly. It's the old double standard. But T.O.'s not going to change. You can best believe I've got a touchdown celebration in store, and, like always, it will be a shock to all. Except me."

Enough said. Owen's doesn't disappoint, and after a first quarter TD reception, he rattles the crowd with a routine reminiscent of former Cowboy Butch Johnson's "California Quake" with a little Michael Irvin swagger thrown in.

Eagles bounce back from last week's defeat, and level the Cowboys, 30-16.

Posted by Jeffrey Boswell at 4:56 PM | Comments (0)

The Rainy Forecast of American Golf

The PGA Tour season has anticlimactically come to an end, goes the conventional wisdom ... and here we have yet another case where conventional wisdom is wrong.

No, not the "anticlimactic" part, but the "come to an end" part. More than any other sport, they really do play and televise golf every weekend of the year, perfect for a glutton like myself. It's only that the PGA Tour skips straight from its final event to its exhibition season a week later (read: charity events with wacky formats), where neither the sizable prize money count towards anything, nor do the results count towards the Official World Golf Ranking (OWGR).

But you don't have to even wait long for real, count 'em events. In two weeks, the World Cup, golf's only real global, country-against-country tournament, which counts big towards the OWGR, is in two weeks. The American contingent, however, was turned down by every exciting possibility, and now the Stars and Stripes will be represented by Scott Verplank and Bob freakin' Tway.

Not one of the 20 (to be generous) or so American golfers measurably better than Bob freakin' Tway would ante up, huh? If the U.S. has lost big golfing ground to the rest of the world, and it has, they deserve it.

In the week following the World Cup, the European Tour kicks off its 2005 season in China, less than a month after the 2004 season closed. Then you have the Australasian Tour, with oodles of coverage on the Golf Channel and with most of the U.S. PGA Tour Aussies (and there are dozens) in the field. Finally, the PGA Tour kicks off the first full weekend in January with the Mercedes Championships.

So this is the only weekend this year where no one in the OWGR top 50 is battling it out somewhere on the globe for real money and real points on real American television. If a sportswriter wants to write about golf, what's she or he to do this weekend?

Well, if you're me, you tip your hat and apologize to both The Daily Show and Stuff Magazine for appropriating their format: answering letter-to-the-editors question from other publications. Except unlike the estimable Daily Show and Stuff, the Slant Pattern will tackle the question straight, mocking neither the questioner or the publication. This week, I will only tackle one question, since I ended up giving it a column of an answer.

Bob Harig is the ESPN resident golf writer and he carries a weekly mailbag. One of his readers wants to know something.

Question: What's up with the "cream of the crop" of American golfers? Tiger [Woods] never plays. Phil [Mickelson] played twice after the PGA and withdrew from one of those. Davis [Love III] never contended at the end of the year, missing cuts and withdrawing from the Tour Championship. And Jim Furyk was a no-show all year long. In the meantime, [Ernie] Els, [Retief] Goosen, and Vijay [Singh] kept winning big events. Is it an issue of passion? Are they getting too old? Should we be hoping for a new crop of American superstars or has the rest of the world just passed us by?

Dave C.
Arlington Heights, IL

Answer: Each player you cited has a different excuse. Phil's can't seem to get it up for non-majors anymore. Tiger never has and never will play a Singh-like, yeoman's schedule. Jim Furyk was hurt. Davis Love is toast. He won't win next year, either, and probably not the year after that. He will win one or two in 2007, and all of the golf publications in the world will scream, "The Love is Back!" Alas, it will just be a blip. Love is about to enter that stage of his career, call it the [Paul] Azinger Years, where he's not really very competitive any more, but is revered as a statesman of the game, will hope to get tabbed for Ryder Cup captaincy, and will mark time until it's his turn to dominate the Champions Tour for a couple of years.

Anyway, Bob, the answer to your last question is flatly the latter. The rest of the world has absolutely passed the U.S. by. To make matters worse, there are no American young guns on the horizons that elicit much excitement at this point. The three guys who were supposed to be the post-Tiger poster boys for young American golf were Charles Howell III, Matt Kuchar, and Ty Tryon.

Howell isn't dead in the water yet, but he will be 26 in June and if he's a superstar in the making, he's off to a slow start. At least you should be able to count on him to easily retain his tour card year in and year out.

We can't say as much about Matt Kuchar, 26, who won the 1997 US Men's Amateur Champion, the first champion since 1993 not named Tiger Woods. Kuchar has an omnipresent aw-shucks grin that would make Phil Mickelson envious, but he's probably not smiling now. He has lost fully-exempt status, having finished 139th on the money list. As a past champion (2002 Honda Classic) and as a golfer who made it in the top 150, he will retain partially exempt status, limiting him to a dozen or so tournaments next year.

Which is more than we can say for Ty Tryon, who finished 199th on the money list ... on the Nationwide Tour.

Remember Ty Tryon? He earned his PGA Tour card the hard way -- Qualifying School -- at the ridiculous age of 17. He snagged model girlfriends, was featured in Tiger Woods' video game, finished in top 10 at the Bay Hill Invitational in 2003, and had the world at his feet. Now he's still only 20, and he has no status, not even partial, on any professional tour. He has fallen that fast, a speed of deceleration usually reserved for bad sports movies. Even his website ... well, just check it out yourself: TyTryon.com.

So are there no stars in the horizon at all? Well ... the youngest player on tour this past year is Kevin Na, who just turned 21. He easily retained full privileges for next year, finishing 87th. But do we count him? He was raised in Los Angeles, but was born in Seoul and played for the International Team against the U.S. in the Tommy Bahama Challenge last week.

I suspect the best American golfer 10 or 15 years from now will be Casey Wittenberg. The Masters lets a handful of amateur champions play each year, and the 19-year-old Wittenberg was one of them. The low amateur is invited back the following year, as are the lowest 16 finishers overall. Wittenberg became the first guy in over 20 years to qualify on both ends, finishing a stunning 13th (tied) in the most heralded American tournament and course of them all. Remember watching Phil Mickelson's spectacular back nine 31, on the way to winning it all? That's what Wittenberg shot on the back nine on Sunday, too.

One last guy that no one is talking about is Kevin Hall. I love this guy. He shares my namesake. He shares my alma mater (Ohio State). I'd like to see more minorities in the United States get interested in golf, and as an African-American, he may help there. I'd like to see more people with disabilities get interested in golf, and he may help with that too, as he's deaf.

Some of you have got to be saying, "Okay, so he pushes all of your regional and bedwetting-liberal buttons, so now you're going to champion him. Is he worth it? Is he any good?"

I don't know. He is Big 10 Champion, winning the conference tournament by a mere ... eleven strokes.

Still, when it comes to golfers who have not hit the other side of 24-years-old yet, the plain truth is none of these Yanks can carry the jocks of Adam Scott, Sergio Garcia (can you believe he's still only 24?), or Justin Rose, and probably never will.

Slant Pattern Picks of the Week

Akron (PK) over OHIO
Iowa (+3) over MINNESOTA
Nebraska (+29.5) over OKLAHOMA
JETS (PK) over Ravens
And to roll out some college basketball on Thursday Night ...
Mississippi State (-11) over Fairfield (Birmingham, AL)

Last edition: 3-2

Slant Pattern Top 25

1. USC
2. Oklahoma
3. Auburn
4. Wisconsin
5. Utah
6. Cal
7. Georgia
8. Virginia
9. Boise State
10. Michigan
11. Texas
12. West Virginia
13. Virginia Tech
14. Tennessee
15. Florida State
16. Iowa
17. LSU
18. Louisville
19. Boston College
20. Miami
21. Arizona State
22. Texas A&M
23. Ohio State
24. Texas Tech
25. Oklahoma State

Posted by Kevin Beane at 12:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 10, 2004

Mapping the New NBA

The NBA season is upon us, sprung suddenly from a preseason obscured by the unlikely and heroic escape of the Boston Red Sox from its cursed history, and from the all-encompassing grip of the NFL season -- and its manifold fantasy implications.

Suddenly basketball is back, with so many teams changed in so many integral ways that it is hard to even identify the favorites. But a few changes will lift a handful of teams from mediocrity to contender status, and will likely shift the geographic power centers of the league even further west -- with one notable exception:

Shaq in South Beach

If Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal could win three titles with a cast of no-names, it's no stretch to suggest Shaq and Dwayne Wade could do the same, especially in an Eastern Conference that lacks the powerhouse contenders of the West. Shaq should be able to plough his way through or past Brendan Haywood, Jason Collier, and Jahidi White. Even that other great O'Neil, Jermaine, won't be able to deny the post to the Daddy.

The only teams that should stand in their path through the Eastern Conference are Detroit, who added Antonio McDyess to an already awesome front line, and Indiana, who have another year of seasoning under their belt, and should push for the conference title. But if Shaq and Wade produce anything like what the Diesel and Kobe did, Miami could snag its first title before O'Neil wraps up his Hall of Fame career.

Kenyon in the Rockies

Denver jumped on the radar screen last year with colorful new uniforms, a quick, freelancing style, and the sensational play of rookie Carmello Anthony. They added Kenyon Martin this offseason, one of the league's stud defensive forwards and a talented scorer and rebounder. Add Nene, the Brazilian strongman, and shot-blocker Marcus Camby, and Denver has one of the league's most intimidating frontlines.

Yet the Nugs are off to a 1-3 start. Missing Voshon Lenard, out for six months with a torn Achilles, doesn't help, but I'd chalk up the slow start to a lack of chemistry. In a month or two, the Nuggets should be steaming along, led by Andre Miller, an excellent ball distributor and a calming influence at the point.

Booze to No-Booze Land

Carlos Boozer's abrupt departure from Cleveland ended the Cavs' dreams of a sudden championship, won by the dynamic duo of Boozer and LeBron James. Now James will have to go it alone, while Boozer sets up camp in the unlikeliest of places -- Utah. Boozer gives the Jazz the thuggish inside presence they were missing last year. Add Andrei Kirilenko, a healthy Matt Harpring, and Carlos Arroyo to the mix and the Jazz, in my opinion, could win the newly-minted Northwest Division.

Most important in the Utah mix is Jerry Sloan, the aging, but intense coach whose hard-nosed teaching methods result in teams as relentless as any in the league. The Jazz are closer to a title than they've been since Stockton and Malone took at 2-1 lead on the Bulls five years back.

T-Mac to the Texas Tarmac

Houston used to be a great place for hoops, was more than just the hub of Continental Airlines. Then the Rockets took a turn for the surreal, cobbling together a circus of ex-stars (Scottie Pippen, Charles Barkley, etc.) that promised to lead the city back to the Promised Land. Once that experiment failed, the Rockets seemed to repeat their eccentric mistake by signing Yao Ming, the Chinese superstar who, at first glanced, looked like a gangly seventh-grader desperately trying to keep his bench position. But Yao developed, and now he's gained a running mate.

The pairing of Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming promises to be one of the best tandems in the league. If anyone can help Ming reach Shaq-like status, it's McGrady, who possesses a degree of selflessness that Kobe Bryant has only reluctantly delivered. McGrady is willing to give up the ball -- a must-have quality that Steve Francis crucially lacked. But McGrady is also the league's best scorer. Like Miami, the Rockets should be able to graft some reliable journeymen onto the belly of their dynamic duo and go deep into the playoffs.

Steve Nash to the Desert

Nash is perfect for this young, athletic team. Amare Stoudamire, Joe Johnson, and Shawn Marion will flourish with Nash running the point. They'll thrive on his demented drives and rudderless forays into the lane. Chaos suits the Suns. They are a little like Dallas in their heyday, a high-scoring bunch without a shred of conscience. But they are better on the boards than Dallas was, and that might make them a more formidable opponent come crunch time.

These should be some of the more significant changes in the league. Other changes should have almost no impact.

Mike Montgomery at Golden State

This move will prove once again that NBA coaches do nothing but manage egos. And what college coach has ever won the respect of the spoiled millionaires who grace the NBA? That aside, maybe Montgomery should've taken just a cursory glance at the Warrior roster before signing onto this sinking ship. Jason Richardson, Troy Murphy, Speedy Claxton, Calbert Cheaney, Adonyl Foyle. And so on. This team could probably win the Pac-10, but the Pacific Division?

The Umpteenth Return of Alonzo Mourning

It's good that 'Zo is healthy again, but he won't replace what was lost when Kenyon Martin went West. Besides, Jason Kidd is out indefinitely, and wants out of New Jersey to boot. He'll probably get his wish later this season. New Jersey might be liquidating in advance of their move to Brooklyn. Better to have deep pockets down the road. The Nets will also soon find out that Richard Jefferson is not the impact player that Kenyon Martin is. But what does GM Rod Thorn care? Even the Knicks get sellouts in NYC.

Hiring of Billy Knight and Mike Woodson in Atlanta

Neither will turn the Atlanta Hawks around, and it remains to be seen if Knight will prove an upgrade on the interminably mediocre Stan Kastan. Knight successfully gutted the Hawk roster and brought in Antoine Walker, the freewheeling gunner who even found Dallas too confining. That was a questionable move. But so was Knight's other key change.

Hiring your boyhood buddy as your coach is no way to instill confidence in your abilities as a general manager, but that's just what Knight did when he chose Woodson for the Hawks job, claiming that Woodson would bring Larry Brown's brand of championship basketball to the south, since Woodson had apparently prospered under the tutelage of Brown in Detroit.

But Woodson assumes a thankless task. The Hawks will continue to flounder, now amid the ruins of the new Southeast Division, along with expansion Charlotte and aimless Washington. Walker will lead them nowhere, nor will any of the teenagers they picked up in the draft. As always, the Hawks' best years are in front of them -- way, way in front of them.

Posted by Jason Hirthler at 3:23 PM | Comments (0)

All Good Things Come to an End

Let's take a look at the biggest streaks that were broken this year, then there a few that still have a head of steam and then a quick preview of the possible birth of two new ones.

New England Patriots: 21-Game Winning Streak

Yes, we all know about the Patriots, but I'm mentioning it anyway. The Colts had a chance to do it in Week 1, the Jets gave it the old college try, but it was Pittsburgh who finally did the honors. Pittsburgh wasn't done, of course, who proceeded to fall another undefeated team, the following week.

Mike Vanderjagt: Most Consecutive Field Goals

Can't-miss Colts kicker Vanderjagt did. In a last minute effort against the Patriots in the first game of the season, the kick is up and no good. He still holds the record at 42.

Randy Moss: Consecutive Games Played

Well, at least they tried to keep it going when he played a decoy last week. But, he would be more valuable healthy in a few weeks than worry about a record. Moss did not play against the Colts against on Monday night.

Tim Brown: Consecutive Games With at Least One Reception

Brown was held without a catch in Sunday's 34-31 victory over the Kansas City Chiefs, ending the third-longest receptions streak in NFL history at 179 games. He should have retired when he had a chance.

Jerry Rice: Consecutive Games With at Least One Reception

Rice, as an Oakland Raider, failed to catch a pass, snapping his streak of 274 games, the longest streak in NFL history. The last time he didn't catch a pass was Dec. 1, 1985. He should have retired when he had a chance.

Arizona Cardinals: Road Losing Streak

I don't understand why the Cards simply can't win out of Arizona. Well, they did last Sunday. Of course, it was against the Miami Dolphins. But, hey, a road win is a road win.

Eddie George: Consecutive Starts by a Running Back

The Tennessee Titans didn't want to keep him around. Dallas took him and then took his record. Snapped at 130. Poor Eddie.

San Francisco 49ers: No Shutout in 420 Consecutive Games

In Week 3, the 49ers' streak of not being shutout ended when the Seattle Seahawks brought out the vice grips. Well, without a Joe Montana or a Steve Young, it's bound to happen.

Streaks Still Chugging Along

Most consecutive starts by a quarterback: Brett Favre, 193.

Most consecutive punts without a block: Chris Gardocki, 1,006.

Most consecutive games scoring points: Morten Andersen, 320.

Most consecutive games with a reception from start of career: Marshall Faulk, 151.

Oh, and the most notorious is still alive...

Most consecutive kickoff returns without a TD: Buccaneers, a whole heckuva lotta games.

New Streaks

Rookie Quarterbacks Ben Roethlisberger of Pittsburgh and Craig Krenzel of Chicago have yet to lose an NFL football game.

Any guesses on who'll concede first?

Posted by Damian Greene at 2:30 PM | Comments (0)

Clemens' Love of the Game Still Rewards Him

It was a year ago that Roger Clemens announced his retirement, and then un-retired himself six weeks later to join ranks with the Houston Astros and his buddy and former Yankee teammate, Andy Pettitte. It was salt in the wound for many devout Yankee fans, who felt betrayed more by George Steinbrenner for letting Pettitte walk in the first place.

Clemens would additionally come into play in many a fan's mind when the Yankees limped out of the American League Championship Series against the Boston Red Sox; their pitching staff decimated. And on November 9, 2004, the angst and disappointment resurfaced again for Yankee fans, as Roger Clemens did what many never expected him to do this year: winning the National League Cy Young award.

By playing in Houston, he worked out a deal with the Astros that allowed him to stay in Houston, where he permanently resides, and to only go on the road for those games in which he was required to make a pitching start. This arrangement had been unprecedented in Major League Baseball, but Houston was willing to accommodate him. Roger was hired for pitching insurance and as a crowd pleaser, to bring in extra revenue for the Astros, to help finance their payroll, which was escalating, especially with the signing of Pettitte.

But as the season progressed, Andy Pettitte injured his elbow, and after being on the DL for a couple of months, after one return, opted to get surgery in early August. Given the healing and rehab process, his decision would allow Pettitte to be ready for the beginning of the 2005 season.

What happened next was also perhaps unprecedented for this Astros club. And perhaps because of Pettitte's absence, it was Roger Clemens who turned out to be the central figure on the pitching staff, as well as an important team leader, helping the Astros resurrect their flawed season.

What is not unprecedented, and not spoken about nearly enough is Roger Clemens' ability to step up and put the focus on himself to allow his team do what they need to do to win. It was no clearer than with the Astros this season, which had a losing record until they started to turn it around in mid-August several weeks after the hiring of manager Phil Garner.

Clemens is the proverbial conductor of the symphony, yet as the conductor, still an important part of the complete process. It is his intangible ability to focus and remain in the moment that has been a part of his championship team seasons and a factor in winning all of his seven Cy Young awards.

As the oldest player now to have ever earned the Cy Young award at the age of 42, he may never be touched again statistically by any player. Randy Johnson, who is his closest rival in statistics and awards and still active, remains with five Cy Young awards, and may surpass him in strikeouts, but will not win as many games, although Clemens never had a no-hitter or a perfect game as Johnson did in this 2004 season.

But Johnson and Clemens are products from another era, when pitchers were used differently than they are being used today, where pitch counts and reliever specialists have forever changed the way in which statistics will be tallied.

Yet, this week and through the winter, the talk will be about statistics concerning Clemens for his award and for all of the free agents and tradable players for the coming 2005 season. But just for a moment, we can go back to Clemens the player and that person who is liked as much as he is disliked, who has played for the Boston Red Sox, the Toronto Blue Jays, the New York Yankees, and his first National League club, the Houston Astros.

Clemens' resume is as controversial as his high-heat pitches, but Clemens is all about what you see on the mound. And what you see is an extremely competitive and skilled athlete who has kept himself in shape for 21 Major League Baseball seasons, has never gotten into trouble off of the field, is a dedicated family man, as well as one who has devoted countless hours to charitable causes.

Love him or hate him, Roger Clemens causes fans to react, and not so much because he played for different teams, or because he is said to be a teammate who is hard to warm-up to, or because he is an aggressive power pitcher, but because he has remained for so long as an important figure in the game, and has never backed down or let his teammates down.

He was a tough sell in NY, especially having come from the Boston Red Sox, but eventually, the NY fans came to adore him. And when he left for Houston, many fans wished him well, but others were beside themselves because the fans know he is a winner and that as long as Roger Clemens steps on the mound, he will not embarrass himself or his team and will give his all. It is that day when he feels that he can no longer put in the work to remain competitive and healthy that he will no longer compete.

Roger Clemens has continued playing for the love of the game of baseball, as he has nothing left to prove, and he will continue to consider returning in 2005, only as long as the hunger and desire is there. We cannot ask anything more from such a devoted player, and yet we should also applaud all of the many years he has treated us to so many memorable baseball moments. We may never see the likes of him again.

Posted by Diane M. Grassi at 12:28 PM | Comments (0)

November 9, 2004

NFL Week 9 Power Rankings

Five Quick Hits

* No announcing team is as good with the technical details and understanding of the game as Al Michaels and John Madden. My favorite announcers are FOX's top team, but I've only heard them once all season.

* Best studio analysts: Ron Jaworski, Howie Long, and Steve Young. Tom Jackson used to be a fixture on this list, but something's off this season.

* I cannot imagine what would make anyone think television audiences want to see Terrell Owens' gold mouth.

* Jim Nantz was great in the studio, but the booth has been a little rough for him. Unlike Michaels, he apparently doesn't realize that not all no-huddle offenses are hurry-up.

* I watched NFL Films' 1999 history of the New York Giants on ESPN2 after MNF. If I had the NFL Films library at my disposal, I would never watch anything else. I would also never sleep.

I wasn't going to write about the Colts in this space, but it can't be helped. They have scored at least 24 points in every game this season. On Monday night, Marvin Harrison became the fastest player to 800 receptions. Harrison and Peyton Manning broke the record for receptions between a quarterback and receiver. Edgerrin James rushed for 123 yards and added 56 receiving yards.

Harrison's 800 mark is a little misleading because the receiving game has changed so much. What I found interesting wasn't that Harrison was at the top of the list, but that the second and third men down both began their careers in the '80s rather than the '90s. Jerry Rice, number two on the chart, is a Hall of Fame lock when he becomes eligible. Art Monk, number three, has been shamefully excluded four times. Canton won't be complete until Monk is in.

The record Manning and Harrison broke jointly was held by Jim Kelly and Andre Reed, and most fans think of Joe Montana and Rice when discussions of great QB-WR combinations arise. The best comparison for Manning and Harrison, though, is former Colts Johnny Unitas and Raymond Berry, and not just because they wore the same uniforms.

Montana and Rice were great players, but Unitas and Berry had a connection that no other QB-WR tandem possessed -- until now. Manning and Harrison have it, too. That raises the question of whether James is Lenny Moore.

There have been great offenses in recent years: Denver and Minnesota in 1998; the Rams from '99-'01; Oakland in 2002, and Kansas City in 2003. Indianapolis in 2004 is right there with all of them, and its stars shine the brightest. Football fans have a rare opportunity right now, seeing this offense at its peak.

Before we get to the power rankings, I should state that James is probably closer to Lydell Mitchell than Lenny Moore. As always, brackets indicate previous rank.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers [2] -- Last week, I broke one of my own rules by ranking Pittsburgh behind Philadelphia even though I admitted that I thought the Steelers were the better team. When you start using a formula instead of what you really believe, the product of your work becomes dishonest and less valuable. I knew ESPN.com and Dr. Z would have Philly in first place last week, and no one could really criticize me for doing the same. I chickened out. It won't happen again.

2. New England Patriots [3] -- The first half was close, but New England took over in the second half and left no doubt as to which was the better team at the Edward Jones Dome on Sunday. Based on their last two games, you could make a case for Corey Dillon as team MVP.

3. Philadelphia Eagles [1] -- They certainly didn't play like a 7-0 team. The Eagles got outscored 27-3. They went 0-8 on third downs and made only seven during the entire game; Pittsburgh made 25. The Steelers more than doubled Philadelphia's time of possession and nearly quadrupled its offensive yardage. The Eagles didn't just lose; they got demolished.

4. Indianapolis Colts [6] -- It's easy to say the defense played better against Minnesota, but the tone was set by Matt Birk on the game's first play from scrimmage. The Colts' defense just rode that, and the offense it faced was missing its best player. Furthermore, giving up 28 points, even if seven came on special teams, isn't so hot. Indianapolis should probably be lower than this, but I don't like the Chargers or Jets in this spot, either. This is the first of eight consecutive too-high rankings. It's a three-team race for the Lombardi Trophy the way things stand right now.

5. San Diego Chargers [12] -- Before the season began, almost everyone knew that Marty Schottenheimer was going to be fired at the end of the year. At this rate, of course, he'll probably hang on. Looking around the league, more than a quarter of the NFL's head coaches can trace their coaching heritage to Marty. His most famous pupils are Bill Cowher and Tony Dungy, but Herm Edwards was also on Schottenheimer's staff in Kansas City before working for Dungy in Tampa Bay. Marvin Lewis and Dom Capers are two of several Cowher disciples with head coaching jobs, and Lovie Smith was on Dungy's staff before taking over the defense in St. Louis. Cowher is my choice for Coach of the Half-Year, but Schottenheimer has done an impressive job this season.

6. New York Jets [4] -- Buffalo's defense contained Curtis Martin, and its offense nickel-and-dimed the Jets into submission. The Bills averaged just 4.5 yards per play -- New York managed 6.4 -- but controlled the clock and moved the ball consistently. The 22 points allowed by the Jets was their most in almost two months. Quincy Carter can fill in for a game or two and they'll be okay, but if Chad Pennington misses four weeks, the team could be in trouble.

7. Minnesota Vikings [7] -- They aren't the same team without Randy Moss, and haven't had a really impressive victory since Week 1 against Dallas. Minnesota RBs averaged almost six yards per attempt against the Colts, but only got 19 carries. They were really only playing from behind during the second quarter. I hate to beat a dead horse, but I can not understand why Mike Tice doesn't call more handoffs.

8. Baltimore Ravens [10] -- The victory over Cleveland wasn't terribly impressive, but I keep expecting Jonathan Ogden and Todd Heap to come back, and when they do, this will be a better team. The Raven offense is so bad that they basically demand other teams beat themselves.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars [9] -- I occasionally forget that Tom Coughlin now coaches in New York instead of Jacksonville. Which means I probably shouldn't write about Couglin in this space, even during the Jags' bye week.

10. Kansas City Chiefs [5] -- Don't blame the offense. Having the time of his life against KC's pitiful defense, Michael Pittman averaged more than 8.5 yards per carry and scored three TDs. Brian Griese added two more TDs and threw for nearly 300 yards with no interceptions. Shawn Barber's injury further depletes the defense, so things probably aren't going to get any better.

11. Houston Texans [8] -- Last week, I mentioned how well the defense had been playing, and this week it got lit up by the Broncos. This is the last of the too-high rankings. I still haven't seen Houston play this season.

12. Atlanta Falcons [13] -- Since a fast start against weak opponents (combined 9-23 record), the Falcons have gone .500. They're prohibitive favorites to win the NFC South, but Tampa could give them a run for their money, and Atlanta seems more lucky than good.

13. Denver Broncos [16] -- Rebounded from two nasty losses with a convincing win over a good team. The offense was almost perfect, and the defense held its own against a powerful offense, sacking David Carr four times and limiting him to a 53.5 completion percentage.

14. Green Bay Packers [14] -- Having the week off should help a team that has struggled with injuries. Losses by Detroit and Minnesota this week mean that Green Bay has a good shot at its division title.

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers [21] -- Scored more than 30 points against KC, the first time the Bucs have done so since October 12 of last year against Steve Spurrier's Washington. Griese wouldn't be a terrible option for the NFC as its third Pro Bowl QB, behind Daunte Culpepper and Donovan McNabb.

16. Buffalo Bills [22] -- After an 0-4 start, the Bills have rebounded to win three of their last four games, with the lone loss at Baltimore, which is nothing to be ashamed of. I've been in Travis Henry's corner from day one, but the offense seems energized by Willis McGahee. Unlike some other power rankings I know, this column hasn't had Buffalo below 28th all season.

17. New York Giants [11] -- The Giants are certainly frustrating, aren't they? After four wins in a row, they drop a huge duck against Detroit -- maybe they aren't so good after all. They bounce back by embarrassing Minnesota -- I saw them ranked fifth in some polls last week. Now they lose to Craig Krenzel's Bears. How can anyone predict what this team will do in a given week? I was going to drop the Giants only one spot, but injuries move them down for now -- a lot, because teams are tightly packed here.

18. Cleveland Browns [17] -- Lee Suggs looked like he was in slow motion against Baltimore's defense. If he had moved forward instead of hesitating in the backfield, Suggs could have saved his team some yards. The defense did a pretty nice job against the Ravens' admittedly awful offense.

19. Detroit Lions [15] -- Special teams played a big role in two of Detroit's victories this season. Special teams were also the main reason the Lions lost to Washington. All phases of the game are important. I'm shocked that more programs don't emphasize special teams. If I were a coach, I'd pull a George Allen and introduce the special teams during player introductions.

20. St. Louis Rams [18] -- Sad days for the NFC West: this is the highest-ranked team in the division. The Rams had their moments on Sunday, and it was nice to see flashes from Marshall Faulk, but the game was a mismatch, plain and simple. Once invincible in their dome, St. Louis is 2-2 there this season.

21. Seattle Seahawks [19] -- There probably is no more underappreciated RB in the NFL than Shaun Alexander. He's not underrated, precisely, because everyone knows he's good. But when people talk about the greatest running backs, the top tier, his name is invariably left out.

22. Cincinnati Bengals [27] -- Next week, Cincinnati plays Washington. If you live in or near either of those cities, you may want to consider investing in an NFL television package that will allow you to watch a real game.

23. Dallas Cowboys [20] -- It takes a special kind of bad to make Cincinnati's defense look good.

24. Tennessee Titans [24] -- Amazingly, only two games back in the AFC South. If Tennessee unexpectedly begins playing like it did from 1999-2003, the Titans could make a run at the division title.

25. Washington Redskins [28] -- James Thrash made a very compelling case on Sunday that he should be the NFC's special teams Pro Bowler. Mark Brunell made an equally compelling case that he should retire.

26. Arizona Cardinals [25] -- Josh McCown has really settled down, but the usually stiff defense struggled against Jay Fiedler and Travis Minor.

27. New Orleans Saints [23] -- Four of the last five games have been losses, and only one was by less than a touchdown. The win was over the lowly Raiders. This team has fallen totally apart.

28. Chicago Bears [30] -- If they beat Tennessee, they'll start moving up a little faster.

29. Oakland Raiders [29] -- Both teams combined for 106 rushing yards in their matchup against Carolina. The Panthers were missing Stephen Davis and DeShaun Foster, and Oakland was without Charlie Garner. Norv Turner, an offensive guy who's been particularly successful working with running backs, is probably tempted to resign in frustration. He and Dave Wannstedt could sit on the beach in Miami and toast to their time together in Dallas.

30. San Francisco 49ers [31] -- Tim Rattay isn't part of the problem -- except insofar as he's part of the team -- but relying on him to win games is not the way to go. If Kevan Barlow can control the clock, the defense can stay off the field.

31. Carolina Panthers [26] -- It's depressing that a team can fall so far so fast. It makes me long for the 1980s, when the same teams were good every year. I guess that isn't a perfect situation, either.

32. Miami Dolphins [32] -- Wannstedt probably wasn't going to lead them to the Super Bowl, but he's a 10-wins-a-season guy, and the team's failures this year have been largely beyond his control. Next stop, Gainesville?

Posted by Brad Oremland at 2:03 PM | Comments (1)

Bettman's Plan to Save the NHL

It was a Wednesday night in Dallas as fans filed into the arena for what should've been a game with the Chicago Blackhawks. Unfortunately, it was a meeting for fans to talk to the NHL's top negotiator, Bill Daly, about the lockout, which has currently canceled at least the first half of the season.

Fans pleaded and begged for the two sides, who haven't talked since September 9th, to resume negotiations. Many fear that if the season is canceled, the NHL would lose any chance of the mainstream acceptance it has had as the country's fourth sport. Fans and players alike are focusing the blame and their anger on one person, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, the one man I think has a plan to save hockey.

Philadelphia goaltender Robert Esche was chastised by his General Manager for calling Bettman a madman last week, however, I don't think that is an unfair assessment. I am no fan of Bettman, who I think hurt the league greatly through his rampant expansion and his poor planning, but I think he might know what he is doing in this case. No madman I've ever encountered, through history, movies, or TV have ever been mad just for the sake of being mad; they all had a genius plan.

There was very little that could be done to avoid this lockout, things were just in terrible shape. Guy LaFleur said last week that "hockey was sick and they had to solve the problem." He is exactly right. If owners and players had just slapped a band-aid on the problem it just would've resurfaced a year or two down the road. Changes had to be made.

"We can't do a deal just to do a deal and save the season," Bill Daly told fans. "We have no margin for error. All our focus is on doing the right deal."

Gary Bettman echoed that sentiment during an interview with a Canadian cable station. "Whether or not we miss half a season or three-quarters of a season, or don't have a season at all -- that is not the issue from our standpoint," Bettman said. "We need a deal that is the right deal to address the problems and let us go forward."

There is the argument that a prolonged lockout would irrevocably damage the NHL fan base; leaving it in ruins. While I don't necessarily believe this, the same result would've been had if the league had only put a temporary fix on their problems. Ticket prices have been climbing for years, and it would've only gotten worse as salaries grew larger; culminating with nearly every fan being priced out of the game and the league left with more problems than they have now.

It is no surprise that the players don't want to give in to a salary cap, but it is a necessity. As the lockout continues to linger, you can start to see players beginning to crack. A few players here come out against the NHLPA and say they would accept a salary cap. A handful of players there come out and say they would play if the NHL tried to use replacement players. Almost one-third of the league is playing overseas for thousands instead of the millions they could make, even with a salary cap. That is not their long-term plan.

While the players are starting to crack, it will only get worse as the lockout lingers. Meanwhile, the madman seems surprisingly calm. He is content with letting the season slip away, as long as it means the game will be fixed. He doesn't seem rushed to end the lockout and play a shortened season. He seems like a delightfully mad scientist, watching his evil plan unfold before his eyes. It's almost as if he should be sitting in an oversized chair while muttering a Mr. Burns-esque "exxxceelllent."

How can Bettman be so confident while his league is in shambles, while many, including several Hall-of-Famers, have pronounced the league dead? He is confident because he knows this lockout will only last one season. He is confident because he will get the changes he wants. The game was changed for Wayne Gretzky, by moving the goals out to allow more room behind the nets, where the Great One worked best. The game will change again, for his heir apparent. Bettman is confident because this summer, hockey's savior will be eligible for the NHL draft. He is confident because he has Sidney Crosby.

Crosby has been hailed by Gretzky as a player who has the potential to be even greater than the Great One himself. He is going to be the hockey version of LeBron James and I really believe he will be the kind of player who can get disenfranchised fans back to the arenas and to the sport. The lockout happened at the best time possible for his debut.

The league will be fixed for the better and the result will be a more open game, which will play right into Crosby's strengths. The Pittsburgh Penguins have a great shot at having that pick and would immediately christen him as the next Mario Lemieux. In addition to the Crosby factor, the NHL still has a deep group of young superstars who are ready to blossom.

There will be doubters. There will be haters. There will be those who say that there is no way Crosby can live up to the hype. There will be those who say that one player cannot revive the league. And, naturally, there will still be those ignorant sports "journalists" who try to convince everyone that they shouldn't care about hockey.

The one thing they will share in common? They will all be wrong.

Bettman may be a madman, but for his sake, for the Stars fans who were forced to beg and plead for their hockey, and for the entire of the sport of hockey, I hope this is one time the evil plan works out for the best.

Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].

Posted by Mark Chalifoux at 12:12 PM | Comments (2)

November 8, 2004

Moving Up and Moving Out

Halfway through the NFL season, there are surprises such as the complete collapse of NFC Champion Carolina Panthers and the winning ways of perennial loser San Diego Chargers.

However, one of the most interesting things to watch so far this season has been the emergence of some very good young players, often at the expense of the older veterans.

Over the years, the NFL has been reborn through young players taking the place of living legends. For those who mourned the end of the career of Johnny Unitas and his induction into the Hall of Fame in 1979, they witnessed the rise of Joe Montana, who began his career the same year.

While many football fans were shocked with the sudden retirement of Barry Sanders in 1999, we watched Peyton Manning in his second year in the NFL throw for over 4,000 yards and 26 TD and only 15 interceptions, down 13 from the year before.

Time passes by for every NFL player and even future Hall of Famers must give way to the young guy with the rifle arm or blazing speed.

Jerry Rice has learned this lesson the hard way. Earlier this season, his consecutive streak of games with at least one pass reception was snapped at 274 in a 13-10 win over the Buffalo Bills. The star receiver for the Raiders that day was Ronald Curry who caught five passes for 89 yards and a touchdown.

Rice managed to get himself traded to the Seattle Seahawks because of his unhappiness over his diminished role with the Raiders. The trade may be a good fit for Rice for this year, but the future of the Seahawks is in the development of Darrell Jackson and Koren Robinson and Rice will really accomplish more as a player/coach than a go-to guy on third-and-long.

In what also must be a message for Rice is that all the Seahawks had to give up to get Rice was a seventh-round draft pick.

Jerry Rice is a living legend and is a sure first-ballot inductee into Canton. But Jerry needs to realize that his five years out of football before his name gets put on the ballot needs to begin this offseason.

If Rice retires after this season, he would also do a great favor to his former teammate Tim Brown, also of ex-Raider fame and current Tampa Bay Buc. Brown couldn't displace the older Rice from the Raider roster and the only reason he is in Tampa is because that right now the Bucs have become the last stop for players before they hang up the cleats and head to the beach.

While some veterans suffer the indignity of being replaced when healthy, some lose their jobs after getting injured and never get back into the game.

Tommy Maddox of the Pittsburgh Steelers was injured in Week 2. Rookie Ben Roethlisberger then started the Steelers on a winning streak that included a defeat of the then-undefeated New England Patriots.

You won't see Maddox under center again unless the game is a blowout or Roethlisberger gets injured himself. But, make no mistake, the younger talent has just moved Maddox to second string and the Steelers decision to not re-negotiate Maddox's contract and pay him more looks like genius.

So, the younger guys step in when the older player's skills slip or they get a chance to show their stuff when an injury takes place. Can a veteran ever get replaced when he is playing better than he has in his entire career?

Ask Drew Brees that question. Brees is only in his fourth year in the NFL and is by no means past his prime. Unfortunately, Brees has been seen as a major disappointment so far in his career.

Brees has been inconsistent and couldn't even keep Doug Flutie on the bench last season. But wait a second here. This season, Brees, after eight games, has thrown 14 TD, three interceptions, and has a QB rating of over 100 while guiding his team to a surprising 5-3 record after half the season and a share of first place in the AFC West.

Surely, Brees has shown that he is only a late bloomer, like Rich Gannon or even Steve Young. No chance. The Chargers have number four overall pick Philip Rivers holding the clipboard on the sidelines this season.

First-round picks are not paid to hold clipboards and there is no way Brees is under center next season with San Diego. At best, Brees is demonstrating that he can be the starter for the team he will be with next year.

In the NFL, even the promise of replacing a veteran with a good rookie prospect can be reason enough to dump the older player.

If veterans who are playing well feel the pressure of a young gun behind them, how do veterans who are struggling?

Look no further than the Buffalo Bills.

Drew Bledsoe will probably experience every possible scenario of the older veteran being pressured by the promise of a young starter.

Bledsoe was the number one overall pick in the 1993 NFL draft. He was the young gun who of course was paid too much to watch and played in 13 games, starting 12, for his first team, the Patriots.

During his years as the young gun, Bledsoe was afforded lots of opportunities to become the star player he was supposed to be. Bledsoe even started Super Bowl XXXI in January of 1997 for the Patriots.

However, Bledsoe's career stalled somewhat after that season. Then comes the 2001 season. Bledsoe suffers a serious injury that sidelines him for a number of games.

Young Tom Brady steps in and guides the Patriots to a number of wins. Even when Bledsoe recovers from his injury, his job is lost to the younger QB.

Later that same season, Brady suffers an injury in the playoffs and Bledsoe steps in and plays a great game to get the Patriots to the Super Bowl.

Coach Bill Belichick was left with a tough decision. Do you go with the hot hand that saved the game for you last week, the guy who was your starter, but who lost the job through injury? Or do you go back to the guy who got you there over the majority of the season?

No problem for Belichick. He goes with Brady and benches Bledsoe, effectively ending Bledsoe's time in New England and ushering in what may yet be described as a dynasty in New England. The next season, Bledsoe is traded to Buffalo.

This season, the Bills are struggling again. Bledsoe has been under heavy criticism and many are calling for rookie J.P. Losman to be put under center when he recovers from injury.

In the same backfield, RB Travis Henry, who has rushed for over 1,300 yards in two of his previous three full seasons with the Bills, has just been bumped from the starters job by 2003 first-round pick Willis McGahee.

No one's job is safe in the NFL. There is a continuing quest to find the younger (and cheaper) players in order to replace the veterans before they become a liability on the field.

What happens when you have too many aging veterans on your team? Find Tampa Bay in the standings. But don't bother straining your neck looking high.

Posted by Jeff Moore at 1:26 PM | Comments (0)

Down Year For the Dukies?

For the first time in what seems like an eternity, Duke is not the favorite to win the ACC. Duke isn't even ranked in the top five of any preseason polls ... not even in Dick Vitale's! And right now, there are three other ACC teams ranked ahead of them (Wake Forest, North Carolina, and Georgia Tech).

Of course, what does any of that mean? Early season prognostications! They would actually mean something if there wasn't a tournament at the end of the season, like say, college football.

But since this sport is decided on the floor, I thought I would I sit down with a Dukie to got some non-expert perspective of what the ACC will be like without the Blue Devils being the class of the conference. And for anonymity sake, let's just refer to her as Sam Marrin of Queens for short.

So Samantha, did you attend Duke University?
I always wanted to go, but no I did not.

Grades weren't good enough?
Um, probably not. I didn't apply ... I wanted to play basketball in college, and I knew I wasn't good enough to play there, so I went to-

Great. Nobody cares.
What?

Nothing. I was just clearing my throat. When did you begin your infatuation with Duke basketball?
When I was a little ... I really liked Christian Laettner, if you know what I mean.

Right ... by the way you are motioning your eyes, I take it to mean you wanted to have sex with him.
Yeah.

This is print, baby, my readers can't tell anything by your body inferences.
Okay, I'll do better. I promise.

I know you will. Did Duke always have the best looking basketball players?
Um, I think so. Gonzaga has had some real hotties recently, but for the most part, Duke takes the cake.

Do you think there is any correlation between how hot a college hoops player is and their ability?
Sure. Look at Emeka Okafor. He's beautiful, and he was the No. 1 pick, and Connecticut won the national title last year.

So by your rational, do you think Duke will be good this year?
I always think Duke will be awesome, but not as awesome as they have been in years past.

Because they don't have as good of looking teams as in year's past.
Right, like Sheldon Williams. He's gross ... but J.J. Redick is cute.

He is. What about me?
Oh, you're hot, Piet.

Thank god, I thought your standards were slipping a bit. Where do you see Duke winding up this year?
Well, (Georgia) Tech is good. I mean B.J. Elder and Will Bynum are both dreamy.

And they're pretty good, too.
Exactly. And that Isma'il Muhammad, man is he an awesome jumper. He is the best dunker on the planet!

Plus Jarret Jack and Luke Schenscher are coming back from a team that went to the finals last season.
Yeah, they're okay ... Wake (Forest) is also awesome from what I've been told.

You didn't see them play last year?
Well, I was drunk for a lot of their games, especially the game when they beat Duke. I blacked out that night, thank god!

You got real drunk to forget the Duke loss?
Well, yes and no. I got set up on this blind date with this guy who wound up standing me up -- turns out he went to North Carolina ... figures.

The Tar Heels could really tear it up this-
Wait, there's more to the story. So I get this e-mail from my friend about six months later who I hadn't heard from in a year, saying she's getting married. And I go to the engagement party and it turns out her fiancé is the guy who stood me up!

He stood you up because he was with his future fiancé, that makes sense.
No, he hadn't met her then. But, he did feel bad, and set me up with his brother, who also went to North Carolina.

Did his he stand you up, too?
Unfortunately, no. He did show, drank two bottles of wine by himself, then puked in the bathroom for 15 minutes and came out and tried to kiss me goodnight. Yuck!

Fascinating love life. The brothers aside, North Carolina is supposed to be awesome.
I think they will win it all.

Would that be tough to stomach for someone who loves Duke as much as you?
Definitely. I mean, it would be nice to see Roy Williams finally win one, but I hate them so much. (Rashad) McCants, (Sean) May, and (Raymond) Felton are just so tough, and they've been there for a while, so I think they are the team to beat this year.

What about Williams' old team, Kansas?
Man, they are talented. Wayne Simien, although he isn't that good-looking, is just so good down low. And (Keith) Langford and (Aaron) Miles, they are awesome. But their coach is the problem.

Bill Self? You don't think he's handsome?
No, he's attractive in a regal and distinguished sort of way ... but it's the opposite in coaching. Look at Bobby Knight and Mike Krzyzewski, they're not hot, but awesome coaches. Quinn Snyder and Bill Self on the other hand, let's just say they're more Dr. Jack Wagner than they are Dr. Jack Ramsey.

I appreciate your candor. Thanks, sweetie.
Anytime.

Sam Marrin, ladies and gentlemen ... Just remember, the 9:30 show is completely different from the 7:30.

Posted by Piet Van Leer at 12:32 PM | Comments (1)

November 6, 2004

How's Your Hoops?

As a die-hard hockey fan, I have a nose for irrelevance.

And the NBA has the stink of inconsequence all over it this season.

Sure, we'll all be glued to our televisions for Shaquille O'Neal, for Kobe Bryant, for Shaq vs. Kobe, and Kobe vs. Shaq. (And Shaq vs. waistline and Kobe vs. civil suit.) We'll watch the Spurs when they play the Pistons, and the Pistons when they play anyone else (if we're looking for the basketball equivalent of NyQuil, that is).

The problem with the NBA is the same problem Major League Baseball is facing: a staggeringly long and pointless regular season with too few stars to sustain fan interest.

Ten years ago, this was not the problem. We had Michael Jordan's Bulls, Isiah Thomas and the Pistons, Charles Barkley in Philly, Patrick Ewing in New York, and Dominique Wilkins in Atlanta. And that was just the Eastern Conference; over in the West were Magic Johnson, Karl Malone, David Robinson, Hakeem Olajuwon, and Clyde Drexler, to name a few. Today's stars aren't of the same caliber or character.

The NBA debuted this week to (relatively) little fanfare. Since the NHL isn't coming back any time soon, my only arena fix is going to be through the 'ole roundball; so, I figured I should learn a thing or two about the NBA this season.

And so should you...

Eight Important Questions About the '04-'05 NBA Season

1. What will be Rudy Tomjanovich's biggest challenge as coach of the Lakers?

A. Squelching the undeniable urge to ask Dyan Cannon out for drinks after home games.
B. Running interference between Kobe and the female hotel clerks on the road.
C. Boning up on his Eastern European history in order to mediate arguments between Vlade Divac and Stanislav Medvedenko.
D. Coming up with a way to make Los Angeles fans forget about a 7-foot-1, 340-pound man named "Shaquille."

2. What's the worst part about Shaquille O'Neal joining the Miami Heat?

A. When the first collaboration between Diesel and Gloria Estafan hits national radio.
B. Fans are left counting down the days until the inevitable falling out between Shaq and Dwyane Wade.
C. Rony Seikaly is now at least the third best center in team history.
D. Two words "South Beach." Two more: "Shaq Thong."

3. The biggest explosion in the NBA this season will be:

A. The number of fouls called following David Stern's mandate that officials call games more aggressively.
B. Allen Iverson, the first time new 76ers coach Jim O'Brien sits him down for a heart-to-heart about the importance of practice.
C. Dog-fighting amongst pot-smoking 23-year-olds named Qyntel.
D. Alonzo Mourning's kidney around the 10th game of the season.

4. Which of the following is not a member of the Toronto Raptors this season?

A. Michael Curry
B. Matt Bonner
C. Roger Mason, Jr.
D. Milt Palacio

(Ed. note: Not so easy, is it?)

5. Latrell Sprewell recently softened his stance in regards to a "pay me or trade me" demand of the Minnesota Timberwolves, saying: "The stuff I'm going through is minute compared to a lot of things people go through on a daily basis." Which of these common folk "things" leaves Spre most in awe?

A. The ability of people to honor their contracts.
B. The ability of people to avoid choking their bosses in practice.
C. The ability of people to actually reach their potential in their given profession.
D. The ability of people to accept living in Kevin Garnett's shadow.

6. The Nets received which the following from the Denver Nuggets for all-star forward Kenyon Martin?

A. A copy of the book, "How to Dismantle a Franchise Before Relocating it to Brooklyn."
B. A few extra consonants for point guard Zoran Planinic.
C. A case of Coors Lite, the coldest-tasting beer on the planet.
D. The rights to Joe Barry Carroll.

7. In their first season in the NBA, the Charlotte Bobcats will:

A. Break the 1972-73 Sixers' mark of 9-73 as the worst team in NBA history.
B. Prove to the world the Primoz Brezec is the name of a post player and not a pill for psychotic asthmatics.
C. Electrify a city whose apathy already cost it one franchise.
D. Leave fans looking to the Carolina Panthers for winning performances this winter.

8. Finally, what will be the biggest disaster for the Houston Rockets this season?

A. Tracy McGrady shakes accusations that he was selfish or lazy while with Orlando by being both selfish and lazy with the Rockets.
B. Jeff Van Gundy leaves the team midseason to chase the hobbit that stole his "preciousssssssss."
C. Japan's Yuta Tabuse overtakes Yao Ming as the NBA's great yellow hope.
D. Having to play St. Louis in a Game 7. (Oops ... wrong Houston Rocket).

(Answers: 1. D. 2. ... aw, what's the point? If they don't even bother counting all the votes before ending the election, why score all eight of these, right?)

Hey, Look, a Tasteless Joke

Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson said he'd like to spank FOX sideline reporter Pam Oliver with a ruler because she (allegedly) reported an incorrect story about him.

Oliver shot back, saying if Keyshawn tried to spank her, "I will punch him in the face."

Luckily, ESPN's Jim Gray has decided to add some perspective as a veteran sideline reporter.

He said not only would he let Keyshawn spank him, but also punch him in the face while doing so.

We Get Love (and Hate) Mail

Re: Your Boston Column

"Just wanted to say that it was gold. You hit home on so many things. Very funny stuff. But also with a lot of good points about the Sox and the slanted media coverage. The Cards/Astros series was treated like crap. I know I was thinking it.

Loved the pic of the Celts. A sad tale for sure.

Your style works. Nice job!"
Derek

My only question is who will have flaunted their victory more by year's end: Red Sox fans or Republicans?

Re: No Football, Ladies

"I am a teenage girl writing to you about your article 'No Football, Ladies.' I am an avid Cheesehead, and I also love football in general. I am considering a variety of career options, and because of my love of football, sports broadcasting is one of them. Men who love football have been given the privilege of being a broadcaster; why shouldn't that privilege be given to women, as well?"
Roxanna Billington

It has nothing to do with privilege. There are plenty of women in sports broadcasting that rival or better their male counterparts; in the print media, some of my must-read columnists every week happen to be female.

But, as I wrote in the column you referenced, football is a special case. It's purely an aesthetic rationale, not one based on the knowledge or abilities of female sports broadcasters. Think of it as nothing more than a role in a play. I'm sure any of a dozen actresses could pull off "Death of a Salesman"; it's just that I'd rather see some sad-sack fella like Dustin Hoffman or William H. Macy play Willy Loman. Because as good as a woman is in the role, her casting changes the overall feel of the work. It's not fair, but it's fact.

All that being said: prove me wrong. Hopefully, I'll be listening to you in 10 years do a Jets/Dolphins game, and I'll realize what a prick I was.

And Now, For This Political Announcement

I try and keep as much of the political soapbox stuff out of here as I can. But allow me this moment to say something about my party, the Democratic Party.

You gotta stand for something.

Even I, as a Kerry supporter, would cringe when my candidate would try to finesse an issue in a way where it would appeal to two dozen different kinds of voters. His opponents incorrectly labeled this exercise as a "flip-flop," but in a way it was worse than that. Flip-flopping would mean taking two distinct sides of an issue; Kerry, and other Democrats, simply slice up the issue with a Ginzu and then hope the pieces will fit together to form a coherent position ... which they never do.

It's like that old Saturday Night Live skit where the couple is arguing over whether something is either a dessert topic or a floor wax. The Democrats are the ones who jump in and say, "It's both!"

Democrats are a little too much like the NHL right now. They want to be everything to everyone, and in the process, they've alienated the people who have supported them for decades. Say what you will about Howard Dean and Michael Moore, but they energized the base in a way it hadn't been for a decade. In turn, the national party began to understand that it might be okay if there was actually an opposition party, and not just Republican-lites running against full-fledged Republicans.

So just come out and say what you mean. Stop pandering to the pundits who claim to know what the message needs to be to get the "undecideds." They're the same knuckleheads who watch hockey every four years in the Olympics and then tell the NHL to ban fighting: they have no concept of what the sport is and what it means to the fans. Yet league officials will bastardize the league for them, because they think these "undecided" fans will watch hockey if the sport resembled the image the non-hockey media put forth. You can't convert those who are unwilling to be converted; if you try, to just end up diminishing yourself.

Bush won re-election for a number of reasons. One of the biggest was his ability to stick to his beliefs. I heard more than one Bush supporter leave the polling place and say that the President has strong convictions, whether he's right or wrong. The only way to combat that is to be just as steadfast, just as dedicated...

...and to be right, of course.

Had Kerry and the Democrats showed a little more spine when it counted (the march to war, for example), perhaps voters on the fence would have been swayed. But who knows ... maybe the gay bashing thing was a juggernaut that the Democrats couldn't overcome no matter what they said or did.

I will end with this picture of John Kerry. I like it because I think his legs look about three stories high, and because this is as close to hockey as I'm going to get this year:

Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].

Posted by Greg Wyshynski at 1:03 PM | Comments (0)

Midnight Madness Ushers in New Season

Midnight Madness can trace its roots to College Park, MD. Legendary coach Lefty Driesel began the late night tradition by running his players at 12:01 AM on a track lit up by the headlights of assistant coaches' cars in 1971. College basketball fans across the county have been craving a midnight snack ever since the lefthander had the turtles running laps.

Gary Williams excited this year's crowd in College Park by entering the Comcast Center in Donnie Neuberger's stock car. The Terps drew a crowd of 17,950 for a night full of festivities. Maryland entertained its fans with a rock concert, an alumni game, dunking acrobats, and a Gary Williams look-alike contest.

Only a few miles away, Georgetown held its own Midnight Madness and marked the return of a favorite son. John Thompson III returned to Washington, DC with the hope of bringing back Hoya paranoia. Thompson's father, Hall of Fame coach John Thompson, led the Hoyas to three national championship games and one title in the mid-'80s. Thompson will try to blend his father's trapping, pressing, full-court game with the back door cuts, pick-and-rolls, motion offense, and screens he learned as a player assistant coach and head coach while at Princeton.

Georgetown's Big East brothers at UConn held Midnight Madness with subdued enthusiasm. Star freshman guard A.J. Price was recovering from a brain hemorrhage he suffered on October 4th. Price has subsequently been released from the hospital, but his status is unknown for the season. The son of former Penn All-American Tony Price had to be rushed the hospital with the flu and a severe headache. He was in intensive care for nine days.

The Huskies will take on a different look this season without lottery picks Emeka Okafor and Ben Gordon and point guard Taliek Brown.

At Kentucky, actress and UK alum Ashley Judd had the crowd in a tizzy after personally congratulating freshman Joe Crawford for his double-pump reverse flush. The event was emceed by former Wildcats Sam Bowie and Larry Conley, currently an ESPN analyst. Judd would later join Bowie and Conley for a makeshift broadcast team.

The theme for this year's event in Lexington was "This is Kentucky Basketball." The idea was to spoof "This is SportsCenter" from ESPN. The prelude to the player introductions included highlights of Kentucky's to plays from a year ago and UK staff members and players mimicking the ESPN commercials.

Big Blue's bitter rival, Indiana, provided a thrill and a bit of a surprise for its faithful. The Hoosiers entered Assembly Hall with candy-stripped warm-up shirts. The new-look tops were inspired by their warm-up pants.

In Seattle, coming off a second-place finish in the Pac-10 and an NCAA tournament appearance, Washington had to forego Midnight Madness this year. The Huskies had to migrate to Olympia, Washington because of "The Man in the City," according to Husky star guard Nate Robinson. Microsoft founder Bill Gates needed the Hec Ed Pavilion for a fundraiser.

At the University of Florida, the fans were treated to the site of dual-sport star Cornelius Ingram on the bench. Ingram was all-state in Florida in football and basketball. Ingram is in Gainesville on a football scholarship, but is expected to join the Basketball team once the season starts. He has yet to play for the Gators on the gridiron this season and will likely redshirt.

Defending Patriot League champion Lehigh welcomed the new season with the off Broadway version of Midnight Madness. ESPN anchor Trey Wingo ventured to Bethlehem, PA to host the event. Two-time league Coach of the Year Billy Taylor addressed the crowd and the Mountain Hawks also showed a highlight video from last year's team, raised their league championship banner, and held contest for the students as well as the players.

Arkansas had one of the more eagerly anticipated Midnight Madness events. The Hogs filled it up with events for the kids and those with a more nostalgic yearning. The events for young Razorback fans included trying to race the length of the court in size 18 shoes and the task of fitting into an overstuffed basketball jersey. The inaugural alumni three-on-three event tournament saw Clyde Fletcher, Larry Satchell, and Ron Huery return to Fayetteville. The Razorback athletic department used the event as an opportunity to help the less fortunate. The price of admission was a non-perishable food item.

After an off year in Tucson, Midnight Madness returned to the University of Arizona. Lute Olson's 22nd season in the Old Pueblo began with players choreographing their own dance their introduction and a 20-minute scrimmage. The scrimmage was between the upper classmen and the freshmen and sophomores. The upperclassmen had to rally from a 38-29 deficit to force a 42-all tie after the 20-minute allotment.

Other contests included skits that showed off men and women's players broadcasting skills and the slam-dunk contest won by freshman Jawaan McClellan.

Posted by Alan Rubenstein at 12:41 PM | Comments (0)

November 5, 2004

Diary of the Big Night

This is the biggest night of the year. So many have spent time leading up to this night predicting and prognosticating. This night is big.

The incumbent is strong on defense, but the challenger spent the last months making dramatic moves.

That's right; it's opening night in the NBA.

What did you think I was referring to?

Whether you're a wannabe political pundit or diehard NBA fan, this night is big. Two heavyweights square off for the presidency, while the NBA tips off its 59th season.

Speaking of heavyweights, each Piston picks up his ring with a silly boxing-like championship belt on. While Ben Wallace might sometimes be confused with a member of the WWE, he's certainly earned the right to wear whatever he wants.

Exit poll results come in and pre-game coverage goes out.

Rip Hamilton scores the first two electoral votes of the '04-05 season. After going down by eight points early, it seems like the Yao Ming/Tracy McGrady ticket is having trouble finding its voice. They have been united to "build a better Houston." Granted, with the first quarter not yet over; less than 25% of the precincts have reported.

Meanwhile, Kerry and Bush are filling up the stat sheet as each is scoring points where expected.

At the end of the first quarter, the Pistons lead the Rockets 19-18 and George W. Bush is taking John Kerry to the hole as he holds a 102-77 advantage.

Two more teams who hope to make a difference this season -- "battleground" teams -- in the Mavs and Kings just tipped off. One of the key issues for campaign manager and owner Mark Cuban is the NBA's decision to start on election night. In an interview before his team's home-opener, Cuban did not mention by name but alluded to the "genius that started the season on election day since it's probably the same person that started the season on Halloween in previous years."

The Pistons' approval rating drops a bit as an 8-0 run by the Rockets bench closes the gap. The Rockets go into the half with a one-point lead. Meanwhile, CNN's talking heads tell us it's "all about Wisconsin and Iowa."

But in Wisconsin all you have is the Bucks, who are not expected to make too many waves this year in the East, and Iowa does not even have a team. I'm confused.

For some clarity, I turn to a less publicized race in the Kings/Mavericks. New center Erick Dampier, who has seemingly been in the league since Ronald Reagan was in office, is throwing down dunks and helping the Mavs to a healthy lead in the first half.

Bush has a commanding 170-112 lead, but Ohio is hanging out there like a loose ball. The night is advancing and my attention is turning to the debut of the new-look Lakers. Can Kobe Bryant carry the party now that his running mate is in Miami?

Tayshaun Prince is proving last year's breakout performance in the playoffs is no fluke as the Pistons play defense like the celebrities and athletes stumped for the candidates -- like it's their job.

After Detroit finishes off Houston by a score of 87-79, Kobe canvasses the stat sheet. He has a new platform this year, one that has him as the unquestionable commander and chief of the Lakers.

The Lakers won the state of Colorado, or at least beat Denver. The big night in the NBA is over and fans everywhere are thinking "four more months." Meanwhile, Bush leads 193-112 and the projection is for overtime.

As we would find out the next day, Bush would capture Ohio, but LeBron James would let Cleveland narrowly lose to Indiana.

The candidates spent all night gaining points while opening night in the NBA saw plenty of electoral votes scored. Or is it the other way around?

What a big night.

Posted by Danny Sternfield at 2:21 PM | Comments (1)

November 4, 2004

NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 9

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Arizona @ Miami

"I am proud to say that, once again, Florida played the role of ground zero in this year's presidential election," announces Miami coach Dave Wannstedt.

Whoa, Dave. Florida meant nothing this year. I think the ground zero they were referring to is Pro Player Stadium. "Ground Zero" meaning your running game is pathetic. By the way, the Dolphins are last in the league in rushing, and you're pretty close to the bottom in passing, as well.

"Tell me something I don't know, brother" adds Wannstedt, "but I bet we're first in the league at things we're last at. If Jay Fiedler would commit himself full-time to quarterbacking, he could move up those passer rankings. But as long as he's moonlighting as Ernie the Keebler Elf, then he won't see the improvement we desire. But he makes an awesome fudge cookie, and he's got the cutest little elfin ears. Next time you see him without a helmet, look at those ears."

Okay, Dave, consider it done.

Arizona quarterback Josh McCown also occupies a position near the bottom in passing yardage. McCown also occupies a position, along with his brother Luke of the Cleveland Browns, in the brothers' rap tribute band, the Insane McCown Posse.

"It's very liberating from the rigors of professional quarterbacking to apply silly clown make-up and then make some of the most god-awful rap music ever heard," explains Josh. "We've got an album coming out this Tuesday. It's called Insane McCown Posse: Unmasked, Unplugged, and Unlistenable. Look for it in the 'These CDs Are Free, Please Take Them' bin at your nearest record store."

And even then they would be hard to give away, equally as hard as it will be to watch this game. Although you wouldn't have known it by their performance last Monday versus the Jets, the Dolphins' defense is good. Their problem is they are on the same team as the offense. But the Cardinal offense is not the Jets'. Fiedler should do just enough to win; McCown should do just enough to lose.

Miami wins, 20-14.

Dallas @ Cincinnati

If you blinked, you probably missed it. It happened so fast. Vinny Testaverde scored on a three-yard touchdown run.

"No, wait. It didn't happen that fast at all," explains Dallas head coach Bill Parcells. "If you check the stats sheet, you'll see that Vinny's score was at the end of a two-play drive. Now, since Vinny's so slow that it takes him about eight minutes to cover three yards, we ended up consuming about 9:31 in that drive. That's the kind of ball control I love to see."

But the biggest stories of this game involve the Johnson's, Keyshawn of Dallas and Chad of Cincinnati. Keyshawn is currently embroiled in a disagreement with FOX sideline reporter and ghetto babe Pam Oliver, who claims Johnson yelled at his receivers' coach Sean Payton two weeks ago. Johnson, of course, denies it, and says Oliver deserves to be "spanked." Now, we all know Keyshawn's a liar and a crybaby, but I've got to hand it to him; it's a crafty way of trying to treat yourself to a spanking of Pam Oliver. She is certainly naughty, and deserves a firm hand on her behind. Keyshawn just needs to be beaten with a stick.

When Cincinnati's Chad is not catching passes, guaranteeing victories, or sending Pepto Bismol to opposing defensive backs, he's, well, that's pretty much all he does.

"But, doggone it," Johnson comments, "I'd really like to be spanking Pam Oliver. And CBS' Jill Arrington could use my hand on her butt, as well. And FOX weather girl Jillian Barberie, woo wee, she needs some serious corporal punishment. You know, forget the Pepto. I'm going to send Roy Williams and Terrence Newman some ping-pong paddles. I'm sure they know some women that need a spanking."

Well, since no one is talking football, I guess I will. Chad scores one TD, and the other Bengal Johnson, Rudi, adds another. Testaverde only finds the end zone through the air, but throws two costly interceptions.

Cincinnati wins, 25-22.

Kansas City @ Tampa Bay

"It's official," says Priest Holmes, "and I've got this notarized certificate to prove it. I am the greatest running back in the game today. I can do it all. I can break off the long gainer. I can power it in from the three. I can catch the pass and score. And I am the master of the lost art of the Walter Payton one-yard dive over the pile for the touchdown."

Who can argue with Holmes? He is the best, as his 14 touchdowns will attest. Holmes owes much of his success to the Chiefs' offensive line, which is clearly the best in the NFL, with apologies to the Miami Dolphin running game. And with defenses forced to respect the run, Trent Green is free to pick apart opposing pass defenses at his whim.

"You're right," says Green. "But I think a more appropriate cliché than 'forced to respect the run' is 'our running game is keeping defenses honest.' Just a suggestion. Anyway, right now, we are the most feared 3-4 team in the NFL, maybe in NFL history. Tampa Bay may very well be the most feared 2-5 team in the league, but with the way we are playing, we fear no one. No, if you're talking fear-inducing 1-6 teams, we have to raise our hackles to the Carolina Panthers, who have already whipped us."

Trent, it's those tiny, little hints of cowardice that may eventually spell Kansas City's downfall. And speaking of downfall, the Bucs are familiar with downfall -- their own. Two years after winning it all, the Bucs are struggling to stay out of the NFC South cellar. And the Bucs' defense is surrendering well over 100 yards rushing per game.

"Hot dog!" yells Holmes. "That means about 140 yards and two TDs for me. Hey, Broncos! Hey, Chargers! We're baaaaack."

Holmes closes with the sinister cackle of a man who knows he will win the 2004 MVP.

Chiefs beat the Bucs, 27-17.

N.Y. Jets @ Buffalo

First, the good news, Drew Bledsoe. Last week versus the Cardinals, you threw two touchdown passes, no interceptions, and suffered zero sacks. Now, the bad news: you were 8-for-17 for 81 yards. That's weak.

"That's not weak," counters Bledsoe. "That's efficiency. My passer rating for that game was 100.4."

Passer rating? Damn, Drew, what does an auto-racing statistic have to do with football? I think passer rating is calculated by number of positions gained by passing on the track (as opposed to in the pits) divided by total laps. I think Jeff Gordon leads NASCAR with a .15 passer rating.

"What does all that have to do with me?" asks Bledsoe.

Nothing really, Drew. It's just that a .15 passer rating is more of what I'd expect from you, not 100.4. Come on. 8-for-17 for 81 yards. Those are pretty good numbers if you were running the wishbone for Barry Switzer 20 years ago at Oklahoma.

The Jets have a quarterback, Chad Pennington, who can put up the yardage as well as the rating.

"Or I can just hand it off to Curtis Martin or Lamont Jordan," adds Pennington, "both of whom rushed for over 100 yards against Miami last Monday. Now, I know we can't expect that kind of output against a tough Bills defense, so we'll probably come out passing, get the lead, and force Bledsoe to pass. Our defense will then blister him with sacks, hurries, knockdowns, interceptions, and general mayhem."

"Well, go ahead and cancel Sunday morning's team meeting," quips Jet coach Herman Edwards. "Chad just gave you our game plan right there. That son of a gun is coaching material!"

Edwards is right. Pennington will be coaching the Jets in 16 years. And Pennington is right; NFL sack-leader John Abraham and the rest of the Jets' defense pulverize Bledsoe.

Jets win, 24-13.

Oakland @ Carolina

"Take a look at this number: minus 14," says Raider head coach Norv Turner. "That's fourteen under par. That'll win you pretty much any event on any golf tour, which, in turn, will open the door to a number of sponsor deals and exemptions."

I hate to burst your bubble, Norv, but your minus 14 isn't a golf score; it's your turnover differential.
That means you have 14 more turnovers than your opponents. Minus 14 is also the expletive differential between you and Warren Sapp after Sapp's tirade against you last Sunday after the Chargers lit you up for 42 points. That means Warren cursed 14 times to your zero.

"Yeah, Warren was letting them fly," Turner explains. "Curse words seem to have a lot more meaning when they are uttered by a 300-pound, angry black man whose breath reeks of Copenhagen dip. Warren's just lucky I bit my tongue, otherwise, he would have been the unhappy recipient of a Norv Turner beat down. If he would have just wore the 'Put Ray Guy in the Hall Of Fame' t-shirt like I asked, we never would have had that disagreement."

In Charlotte, North Carolina, the idle chatter on citizens' band radio of a Panthers' dynasty has ended and has been replaced by talk of the word "fluke." Carolina is 1-6 and the list of goals in the locker room has gone from "Win Super Bowl" to "Win NFC" to "Win Division" to "Make Playoffs" to "Have Winning Record" to it's current status, "Merry Christmas." In the Panthers' defense, though, injuries have, from the start, undermined any chance they had of defending anything. The latest injured key player is middle linebacker Dan Morgan, who suffered another concussion last Sunday against Seattle. It is Morgan's third concussion in two years, earning him the nickname of "The Eric Lindros of the NFL."

"You know," Panther coach John Fox comments, "I'm sick and tired of filing these injury reports every cotton picking week. Therefore, I've listed myself as 'questionable' for Sunday's game. I will re-evaluate myself and most likely make a decision later in the week."

Fox makes a game-time decision to play, and plays hurt, as do many of the Panthers, except Stephen Davis. Jake Delhomme connects with Keary Colbert and Muhsin Muhammad for scores, and the Panthers' defense grabs two Kerry Collins interceptions.

Carolina wins, 26-17.

Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh

The hottest new collector craze is currently sweeping through Pittsburgh and all of the Steel City is abuzz.

"Yeah, check these out!" yells a giddy Bill Cowher. "Look, there's whole milk, skim milk, 2%, chocolate, soy. Collect them all. It's awesome!"

Settle down, Bill. What's so damn collectible about milk cartons?

"Well, they all have a picture of this missing man on all of them. The name's Tommy Maddox, white male, age 33, says he just vanished from somewhere near Heinz Field. The face is vaguely familiar to me."

Never heard of him.

"Speaking of milk," says Eagle receiver Terrell Owens, "I bet all you milk drinkers had the white stuff coming out of your noses after y'all cracked up at my touchdown dance last Sunday against Baltimore. Give it up for me. That was the best ever. I worked on that one all week. I didn't really master it until Friday when I had some Mexican food backfire on me and had to wait for a stall to open in the bathroom. I never knew convulsions could be so helpful, but I got Ray's dance down. I call it 'Convulsing Raven, Irritable Bowel.'"

Yes, T.O., that was classic, better than the "Pom Pom" dance of two years ago. Just watch your back, my friend, watch your back.

But enough about T.O. The Steelers have laid claim to the title of best team in the AFC, and Big Ben Roethlisberger is the hottest quarterback in the league.

"I'd like to give a shout out to my rookie classmates, Eli Manning and Philip Rivers," says Roethlisberger. "Two words: bench and warmers. Two more words: you and suck. Still two more words: over and paid. And here are four more words: baseball and cap, and clip and board. I think that's self-explanatory. And I'll close with two more: jock and strap, mine of which Manning and Rivers couldn't carry. Oh, yeah, I'd like to holler at my go-to guy, Burress."

"Burress? Man, forget that corn-rowed fool," Owens interrupts. "What kind of parent would name their kid after a gas station?"

Uh, Terrell, it's Plaxico, not Texaco.

"Okay, then. What kind of parent would name their kid 'Plaxico'?"

Anyway, if last week were the Steelers' AFC Championship, then this week is their Super Bowl. Pittsburgh has something the Eagles lack, and that is a consistent running game with former Eagle Duce Staley. Look for the Steelers to run early, then open up the passing game to Burress and Hines Ward. Philly will be in the unfamiliar position of playing from behind, which is fine for them, since they pass all the time anyway. What does it all mean? Shoot out. The Steelers complete their two-week run of knocking off the two best teams in the league.

Pittsburgh wins, 34-31.

Washington @ Detroit

"America had a choice to make on Tuesday," Joe Gibbs preaches, "and it was imperative that all eligible voters made their decision count. I was extremely pleased with the voter turnout, but I can't express to you the disappointment I felt with the result."

What, Joe? Are you a Democrat?

"No, I'm very disappointed that the NASCAR referendum didn't even make the ballot. All Americans need to be given the choice of keeping the Nextel NASCAR Championship points scoring system as it is now, or return it to its original format."

Good point, Joe. And were that on the ballot, I'd choose neither and write in my vote: NASCAR should score as Formula 1 does. Ten for first, eight for second, six, five, four, three, two, one. No points for anything below eighth.

Anyway, back to football. The Redskins sport the worst scoring offense in the league, and are the only team yet to break 100 points.

"Damn!" says Clinton Portis. "We can't even break 100 after seven games? I bet Wilt Chamberlain had already scored with 100 chicks after seven games of his rookie season."

In Detroit, the Lions stand at 4-3, one game behind the Vikings.

"I'm pleased with our results so far," explains Lion coach Steve Mariucci. "We are a young team, so, often, it's a case of two steps forward, one step back, two steps sideways, one step back, and repeat. Before you know it, we're doing the 'Achy Breaky', or some other cheesy country line dance. I hate country music. My Italian heritage makes me partial to 'Doo Wop.'"

The Lions take a step forward. Joey Harrington throws two touchdown passes, and Kevin Jones scores one.

Lions win, 24-17.

Chicago @ N.Y. Giants

Chicago head coach Lovie Smith loves the holidays, especially Christmas. That must be why his current starting quarterback is jolly old Saint Nick himself, Kris Kringle.

"No, man," corrects Smith, "his name in 'Craig Krenzel.'"

Who? Santa Claus?

"No, my starting quarterbacked is named Craig Krenzel. Not Kris Kringle. And I hate Christmas. Right now, I'm not at all into the Christmas spirit, although a gallon of eggnog could quickly change my outlook. You've got to understand. Baseball season is over; the Cubs did nothing. There's no hockey. Basketball season starts soon and the Bulls will suck. So, basically, the Bears are the only game in town. All the pressure is on me to produce."

It's no wonder Smith is not in the holiday spirit. Despite last week's win over the 49ers, the Bears are 2-5, and with running back Thomas Jones nursing a sprained big toe, the future is not too bright.

On the other hand, the Giants are 5-2 and firmly in second place in the NFC East. Tiki Barber is fourth in the league in rushing, and first in teeth. Have you seen the smile on this guy? It will blind you.

"And you too can have a smile like me," quips Barber. "Just four weeks on my 'Fluoride Margarita and Milk Bone Dog Biscuit' diet, and you can dazzle your friends with your pearly white smile."

"Thank goodness Tiki is having such a great year," Giant coach Tom Coughlin says, "because that's taken the pressure off of Kurt Warner. If Kurt's playing well, then his crazy wife Brenda is happy, and she's not calling my radio show making demands. That crap may fly in St. Louis, but not in New York. Luckily, she's keeping herself under the rock she lives, or maybe it's the sewer. You know, she does look an awful lot like that Gollum fellow from The Lord of the Rings movies."

Yes, she is frightening.

Warner and Barber continue to carry the Giants. Krenzel gets pounded by the Giants defense, then announces that Christmas is canceled.

G-men roll, 31-10.

New Orleans @ San Diego

On a day when Indy's Peyton Manning threw for five touchdowns and Denver's Jake Plummer threw for 499 yards, San Diego's Drew Brees did them one better.

"Yeah, I threw for five TD's," adds Brees, "and we won the game. That's more than those suckers Manning and Plummer can say. They're has-beens and also-rans; Drew Brees is the new world order."

Easy, Drew. You're still Drew Brees and you still have an acorn stuck to your right cheek, so, until you lead the Chargers to the playoffs and/or have that potential oak tree removed from your face, you're still a nobody. But it is cool to call yourself the New World Order. That gives you a cool theme song by the industrial metal band Ministry and I'm sure you can pick up some old wrestling t-shirts with "N.W.O." emblazoned on the front.

"That's just too sweet!" adds Brees.

If Brees can succeed in relative anonymity, then that can only set a positive example for the entire Chargers organization. Football fans may think the Colts or the Chiefs are the highest scoring team in the NFL; in fact, it is the Chargers. Go ahead, besides Brees, Ladainian Tomlinson, and tight end Antonio Gates, name another San Diego player.

"I'm thinking," says Charger coach Marty Schottenheimer. "Ahhh ... Lance Alworth?"

Well, Marty, I was hoping for a current player, but I'll accept that answer. Add seven points to your score.

"Wow, that was easy."

And it should be even easier against the Saints, who boast the second-worst scoring defense in the league, right behind the Raiders, the team you just blasted, 42-14. Scoring may be slightly tougher, so don't expect six touchdowns. The Saints have a fairly good offense themselves, so they may keep your offense off the field some. Four touchdowns and two field goals sound reasonable.

Chargers win, 34-24.

Seattle @ San Francisco

Seattle's record stand at 4-3, and those four wins have come at the expense of teams with a combined 7-21 record. Seattle has lost to some good teams (New England, St. Louis) and one bad (Arizona).

"I don't know who you can blame for the losses," comments running back Shaun Alexander, "but you can credit me for the four wins. Most running backs are susceptible to leg injuries, but, in my case, my back is the vulnerable body part. Why? Because I've carried this team on my back all year. And they are heavy."

One player in particular who likes a good piggyback ride is quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, who was poised for a break-out year. Instead, Hasselbeck has responded with only 8 touchdown passes and only the 25th-best passer rating in the game.

"My point exactly," adds Alexander. "Three of those touchdown passes were to me. Take those away and you've got five. And those five were probably the result of play action set up by my awesome running. That leaves zero. If not for me, you'd have no touchdown passes. That's the same number of TD passes your sister-in-law, Elisabeth Hasselbeck of ABC's The View has. Maybe she should be our quarterback."

"Gee, Shaun, you don't have to get snippy about it," is the only defense Matt Hasselbeck can come up with.

Luckily for Seattle, San Francisco fits right into the categories of teams they beat: they suck and they are 1-6. Chalk up another quality win for the Seahawks. Alexander carries the load once again, with 110 yards rushing and two touchdowns.

Seattle wins, 23-16.

Houston @ Denver

Could the Texans have enjoyed a better Sunday than last week, when they beat the division-leading Jaguars and second-place Indianapolis lost to the Chiefs, moving Houston into a virtual tie for first with both teams?

"Well, it could have been February 1st and we had just won the Super Bowl," answers Dom Capers, "but we'll take this. This was a 'statement' game for us, the statement being: we belong at the top of the division with the Jags and Colts, as well as the Titans, who will probably be in the mix again, but, when all is said and done, we'll be sitting at home come playoff time."

Indeed, it was the Texans' second-straight win, with both victories coming against division opponents. The Broncos, however, are headed in the opposite direction, having dropped two-straight after seemingly having a firm grip on the AFC West. And speaking of firm grips, Denver coach Mike Shanahan has an extremely tight one on his play book as he psychotically vents about his team's losing streak.

"Damnit, I'm so mad I could explode!" screams Shanahan. "No team of mine should lose a home game, nor should we lose to the Bengals, anywhere!"

Wow, Mike, that's a cool effect the way you get the smoke to come out of your ears.

"That's no effect, friend, that's real smoke. If I don't vent through my ears, my head will explode. And while I have our play book out, I think I'll go to the 'Blocking Schemes' chapter and add a few more entries to the 'How to Snap Your Opponent's Ankle With a Controversially Legal Block' section."

I hear that's a pretty thick section, dirtbag.

How ironic, then, that Denver's John Lynch, who suffered an injured tailbone by a block from Atlanta receiver Brian Finneran, claimed the hit was illegal. Sorry, John, even Shanahan said the hit was legal, so, since it looked illegal yet was legal, coach will be adding that block to the offensive lineman playbook.

"Yes," says Shanahan, "we have plenty of blocks to break legs but none to cripple tailbones. This will fit in nicely."

Lynch is just lucky he wasn't injured earlier in the game, when he was steam rolled by Falcon running back T.J. Duckett. John Lynch, you got jacked up!

The Broncos will face a test from the youthful Texans, but Shanahan will not allow two-straight home loses.

"Unacceptable! We'll not allow ourselves to be pulled into a high-scoring affair with Houston," Shanahan preaches. "We will establish the run; I don't want Jake Plummer throwing touchdown passes on offense or defense. We're going to pound Rueben Droughns into the middle and live or die by that."

I guess Denver plans to run. Watch your ankles, Texan linemen. Droughns gets back on the 100-yard trail with a 30-carry effort. Plummer throws one touchdown pass to Rod Smith.

Denver wins, 24-20.

New England @ St. Louis

Hey, listen. Do you hear it? The chant that goes "O-ver-rat-ed" followed by rhythmic clapping? "O-ver-rat-ed, clap-clap-clap-clap-clap."

"Yes, I do hear it", replies Ram coach Mike Martz. "It must be in reference to the Patriots, this Sunday's opponent whose 21-game winning streak came crashing to a halt. I agree; they're not that good."

No, Mike, I think the chant applies to you. You're the only coach I would refer to as a punk and one who never acknowledges his mistakes.

"Look, I just tell the players what to do," Martz explains. "I can't go out there and do it for them. Can I help it that our best player, Torry Holt, has only one catch for four yards in his last two weeks?"

"Ah, Coach," replies Holt, "we had a bye one of those two weeks."

"See what I mean?" Martz continues. "They always want to make excuses. I don't know about you, but I've never lost a game to bye in my entire career. For Torry not to manage any catches against bye is unacceptable."

Look, Mike, give bye a break. They have to play four games every Sunday. I'm sure they're exhausted. But still, Torry should have had at least two catches.

Holt should be able to pad his statistics Sunday against the Patriots. The Patriot defensive backfield will be without cornerback Ty Law, and Tyrone Poole may also miss time, which should open up seams for Holt and Isaac Bruce.

Nearly all edges go to the Rams: they are at home and fully rested and healthy after a week off. New England's biggest edge is in coaching. Bill Bellichick easily outsmarted Martz three years ago in the Super Bowl. When working with his full complement of players, Bellichick would easily devise a game plan that would make Martz dizzy. However, the injury to Law is too much for the Pats to overcome. Holt, Bruce, and quarterback Marc Bulger come through for the Rams.

St. Louis wins, 27-23.

Cleveland @ Baltimore

Hey, Ray Lewis, did I see you on MTV last Sunday night, because you got Punk'd? Or did I see you in that break dancing movie starring Steve Harvey and B2K's Omari, because You Got Served?

"The answers are 'no' and 'no'", Lewis replies. "If you ever catch me watching MTV, then shoot me ASAP. It's only BET and UPN for me, you SOB. I do eat at BK, I wear RBK, and no, you did not see me in You Got Served, although you may have seen me in 1984's Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. I was Shabba-Doo's little brother."

Don't avoid the real issue, Ray Ray: what are you going to do about Terrell Owens, since you can't exact your revenge on the field, unless Philly meets Baltimore in the Super Bowl, which won't happen? And please, be a little more creative than imitating one of T.O.'s touchdown celebrations. Although, laying a massive hit on someone and then signing their helmet with a Sharpie would be pretty cool. If you do that, make sure you give me credit.

"I'll tell you what I'm gonna do," adds Lewis. "I'm going to imitate Owens by questioning Jeff Garcia's manhood. That'll show him!"

"Man, how did I get dragged into this one?" complains Garcia. "I'm just here minding my own business and I get pulled into this mess. It's frustrating. But I think I'd rather be harassed by Owens than Lewis. Therefore, I'll be wearing this green and white 'I Love T.O.' t-shirt, just like the one he wore on ESPN's Monday Night Countdown. Mine will be sleeveless and cut-off to accentuate my navel ring. Ha! Just kidding. Please don't tell him I'm wearing it."

The Owens-Lewis shenanigans are overshadowing the return of Baltimore running back Jamal Lewis, who is coming back after a two-game drug suspension.

"Man," says Lewis, "I am stoned, I mean stoked, to get back on the field. I have learned my lesson from this ordeal, and that is: if you know someone who wants to buy cocaine, make sure he or she is not a fed before you call him or her on your cell phone. I really hate snitches."

Lewis gets back in the groove, with a touchdown run. Ray Lewis takes out his T.O. frustration on any Brown who dares cross the middle.

Ravens win, 24-7.

Minnesota @ Indianapolis

Monday night's marquee match-up features the two most prolific passers to this point in the NFL: Daunte Culpepper and Peyton Manning. Culpepper has a slight edge over Manning in passing yardage, and Manning's 22 TD passes are tops in the league, followed by Culpepper's 20. Culpepper may be without his top weapon Randy Moss, who may sit out Monday's game to speed the healing on his injured hamstring.

"Not so fast, player," says the All-Pro Vikings wide out. "There's a chance I may play. I've been working out on my Gazelle by Tony Little. I know I look like a fool riding this thing, but it really loosens my hammy and it truly does make me feel like I'm walking on air, which I didn't think was possible without pharmaceutical assistance. If this doesn't work, I'm set to appear on Extreme Makeover: Hamstring Edition to have my right hamstring surgically replaced with the elastic band in my Under Armour skullcap. If that don't do the trick, I'll just chill on the sidelines."

"Randy's a gamer," adds Viking coach Mike Tice. "If he can give us just 50-percent, he'll play. If not, we may just try to run the ball against the Colts. Onterrio Smith is back from drug suspension, Michael Bennett is healthy, and we still have Mewelde Moore, and Moe Williams. If we so choose, we'll play ball control and keep the Colts' defense on the field for more than the three plays it normally takes to score against them."

"Look," says Peyton Manning, "nobody's running in this game. It's all about the pass. Why take four or five yards with a run when you can take 50 with a pass? I know we can pass, and even without Randy Moss, I know the Vikes can pass. Hell, our defense can't cover supermodel Kate Moss, or peat moss for that matter. I'm going out there with the intention of scoring in the mid-50s, and still I wonder if that will be enough."

Manning is exactly right. After some half-hearted attempts at rushing the ball, both teams resort to the air. The result: a 37-31 Colts victory. Manning throws for 4 TDs and Culpepper cashes in for 3, despite the absence of Moss.

Posted by Jeffrey Boswell at 3:04 PM | Comments (0)

Questions For Theo Epstein

Perhaps a significant percentage of the throng of Red Sox fans in the world have yet to put down the champagne, but Theo Epstein sure has. Epstein, General Manager of the Boston ballclub, faces an offseason of uncertainty that sees as many as 17 rostered players file for free agency. Below are inquiries for the 29-year-old wunderkind.

In 2003, you stated: "Fiscal irresponsibility is the single quickest way to hamstring a franchise for a decade." You face the free agencies of Pedro Martinez, Jason Varitek, Derek Lowe, and Orlando Cabrera, among others. In that same interview in 2003, you said that you "were not cheap." It is rumored, also, that the club does not want to exceed its 2004 payroll of $125 million. Is it possible for the Red Sox to keep even three of the above players without flirting with "fiscal irresponsibility?"

The New York Yankees spent $183 million on their 2004 payroll, only to fall short against Boston in the ALCS. Would you say that the Yankees have been fiscally irresponsible in their signings of Kevin Brown, Alex Rodriguez, Gary Sheffield, and others who have multi-year, monstrous contracts?

"If they don't get me, it's probably because they didn't try hard enough." Those are the words of Pedro Martinez, one of the greatest pitchers in Red Sox history and of the modern era. Pedro is looking for a contract extension that includes guaranteed money for 3-5 years. Are Martinez's demands incompatible with your stated philosophy of keeping your payroll flexible, especially since Martinez can still command a market value somewhere around $12 million a season?

Peter Gammons hailed your trade of Nomar Garciaparra as the highlight of your short career as Boston GM. Was the trade of Garciaparra, the Boston icon, a sign of things to come in terms of your loyalty to Boston stalwarts? In other words, do you not value long-term service to the Red Sox at all? Will you not adjust your offer to players such as Derek Lowe or Pedro Martinez slightly, just to reward them since they are long-time Red Sox players?

The Garciaparra trade was also significant because it changed the face of the Red Sox franchise. Boston fans were used to seeing No. 5 take the field (when he was healthy, of course). We can only conclude that no one is safe from being traded. Is that true, or are there real untouchables on the roster?

Speaking of untouchables, the signing of catcher Jason Varitek is widely known as the Red Sox' top priority this offseason. Varitek is, without a doubt, the leader of the Boston club, and probably the team's most valuable player each year. Knowing this, other clubs may bid up Varitek's price higher than usual for a switch-hitting catcher who can lead and swing the bat well. Are you willing to sign Varitek at all costs, even above expected market value, to avoid the ire of Boston fans and the media who insist that Varitek must be again the Red Sox catcher in 2005 and beyond?

This year's Sox team, the Team That Broke the Curse, did so thanks to incredible clubhouse chemistry. Somehow, the combination of carefree eccentrics like Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, Johnny Damon, Kevin Millar, and Pedro Martinez meshed with all-business stoics like Curt Schilling, Mark Bellhorn, Jason Varitek, and Bill Mueller. Without such chemistry, winning eight straight games to win the World Series, after being down 0-3 in the ALCS with three outs to go, would have been impossible. How much will team chemistry factor into your front office decisions?

Orlando Cabrera, Nomar Garciaparra's replacement, hit over .300 as a member of the Red Sox, and also was better than advertised in the field. He did so by free-swinging, a batting philosophy you've been known to denounce. He's 30-years-old and is a free agent. Will he be known only as Garciaparra's temporary, half-season replacement, or are you impressed enough to offer him an acceptable, multi-year contract?

If Cabrera does sign with another team, should we accept that as a sign of your endorsement of Red Sox prospect Hanley Ramirez, who is slated to be ready to join the Sox in 2006 at the shortstop position? And if so, are the Red Sox really going to accept seeing an ancient Omar Vizquel or Barry Larkin handle the shortstop duties, albeit for only one season (2005)?

Scott Williamson has missed significant periods of time the last two seasons with elbow trouble. Though he is known as a quality setup pitcher/closer, is his injury significant enough to let him slip away from the Boston bullpen this offseason as he explores free agency?

Once a couple days had passed after the Red Sox had won the World Series, and you noticed that Derek Lowe had wins in the three clinching games of all three playoff series, did it dawn on you, as it has on this column, that a team like Baltimore or the New York Mets would throw an impossibly large contract at Lowe and his proven playoff experience, despite his 5.42 ERA during the regular season? If so, did Lowe's performance merit a significant increase in the team's offer to Lowe this winter?

In 2003, you also declared the following: "One of the best ways to capitalize on our large-market status and vast resources is to spend wisely and spend big on amateur talent. It's impossible to predict how many young players will reach the big leagues every year, but we hope they come in waves. I hope, within a year or two, that you will see obvious signs of progress in the quantity and quality of our prospects. The real results will not show for three or four years." Everything you do seems to work out and everything you say seems to come true. Should the rest of Major League Baseball be scared?

A week ago, in the champagne celebration that followed your greatest moment, you said: "I'm looking forward to getting baseball to where it was from 1903 to 1918 when the Red Sox kind of set the standard. Why not? We have tremendous revenues, we have a hard-working front office, we have a terrific nucleus of players. Why can't we get back and do this every year?" Are you trying to give Red Sox Nation heart failure?

We'll stay tuned.

Posted by Vincent Musco at 12:15 PM | Comments (0)

November 3, 2004

Where it All Went Wrong

There are many instances where you can reflect and wonder where it all went wrong for the Yanks this season. But the truth is, it all came down to one offseason decision.

Javier Vazquez. It's that simple. Javier Vazquez is where the Yankees went wrong, and all the other excuses are smoke-filled coffee house crap (thank you Kevin Pollack of A Few Good Men).

Sure, they could have won Game 4. But Mariano Rivera didn't protect a one-run lead for two innings. And in Game 5, Joe Torre should have gone back to Rivera in the 8th inning with a two-run lead. Instead, Torre let Tom Gordon pitch to three batters, who all reached base, and then went to Rivera.

Why would Torre bring Rivera into a no-win situation? I assume he didn't want Rivera pitching two innings, two days in a row ... but if he was prepared to bring Mariano into the game with runners on the corners and nobody out in the eighth with a one-run lead, why not just start the eighth with Mariano on the hill with a two-run lead?

Of course, all of this controversy would have been for not if the $252 million dollar man, the 2003 American League MVP Alex Rodriguez was able to hit a fly ball to the shallowest part of center field in the top of that ill-fated eighth inning of Game 5.

Because with Miguel Cairo on third and one out, I'm guessing Johnny Damon's left arm, which has drawn comparisons to that of a 6-year-old girl, would not have been strong enough to throw out Cairo. That run would have given the Yankees a three-run lead.

And then there was the beleaguered starting pitching, highlighted by Kevin Brown's inability to last more than two innings in either of his starts. This was the man George Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman had put their faith in when they let Andy Pettitte walk to Houston.

Brown's relief in both games was the protagonist in this author's narrative, the disappointing Javier Vazquez, who posted a 9.53 ERA in the 2004 postseason.

It was Vazquez, if you recall, who the Yankees chose to trade for last winter instead of signing Bartolo Colon, a flame-throwing right-hander who later signed with the Anaheim Angels.

What made the decision to go with Vazquez over Colon so devastating is two-fold. First, Colon performed remarkably better over the second-half of the season than Vazquez. From July on, Vazquez's ERA was 6.70. Colon by comparison posted a 4.23 ERA over that same span.

In Colon's only appearance this postseason, he went six innings and allowed three runs to the Red Sox, the same team that thumped Vazquez for 7 runs in 6⅓ innings over two games.

Ultimately, Torre's decision of who to start Game 7 would have been much easier if Bartolo Colon, and not Vazquez, was an option.

Secondly, in addition to Colon being the superior pitcher to Vazquez, Javy's asking price was steeper. Unlike Colon, who was a free-agent, Vazquez was property of the Montreal Expos. If the Yankees wanted him, they would have to trade for him.

This brings us to the second part of Cashman's catastrophic maneuver. Like the Red Sox, who traded Casey Fossum and others to obtain Curt Schilling, the Yankees would have to part with some prospects to obtain the Expos top pitcher.

The Bronx brass shipped Nick Johnson and Juan Rivera, the last marketable trade chips of the depleted Yankees' farm system, north of the border in exchange for Vazquez.

It was at the midseason point when the Yankees' weakness became most evident. Their starting pitching was lacking, but hope existed. A five-time Cy Young winner openly campaigned to join the Bronx Bombers. In fact, Randy Johnson would not accept a trade to anyone but the New York Yankees.

The problem, though, was the Yankees had no prospects of worth to offer, and the boys in the desert could not justify shipping the Big Unit East for anything the Yankees were peddling. If Cashman still had Nick Johnson and Juan Rivera, the scenario would have been dramatically different, and Randy Johnson could have found his way into pinstripes.

Potentially, the Yankees' rotation this October could have been Randy Johnson, Mike Mussina, Bartolo Colon, and Jon Lieber. That foursome would have offset the colossal blunder Cashman committed when he traded for Kevin Brown last winter, and thus lessened the ire Yankees fans currently hold against the surly right-hander.

Instead, Torre was forced to juggle Orlando Hernandez along with Brown and Vazquez in a rotation that looked more like the teams New York used to beat along their unimpeded route to the World Series instead of a rotation the 26-time world champions would use to get there.

The Yankees currently find themselves with the same problem they faced all season, a dearth of starting pitching. Their options are limited, though. With virtually no prospects to speak of, and Yankees enemy No. 1 Pedro Martinez being the most attractive free-agent on the market, it could be another long year in the House that Ruth built.

Posted by Piet Van Leer at 1:34 PM | Comments (1)

November 2, 2004

Athletes' Endorsements Get No Votes

Curt Schilling earned my respect during the World Series. He played gutsy and literally left everything he had on the field. He played injured out of his dedication to his teammates and fans and, in the process, became one of the greatest postseason stories in sports history. Red Sox fans will forever remember his heroics. A day after the World Series win, I lost the respect I had for Schilling when he told the nation on "Good Morning America" that he was endorsing President George W. Bush in today's election.

Schilling didn't lose my respect because he's voting for George Bush -- that isn't important. What is important is his belief that he is an expert political analyst who knows who the country should vote for. Schilling recorded a phone message for voters in three key swing states encouraging voters to cast ballots for his guy.

In his phone message to voters, Schilling said, "These past couple of weeks, Sox fans trusted me when it was my turn on the mound. Now you can trust me on this: President Bush is the right leader for our country," according to a transcript from the Bush campaign.

Schilling is trivializing one of the greatest comebacks in sports by asking voters to vote for his candidate. Make no mistake, the fans owe Schilling big-time. He won them the World Series, so what have they done for him lately (well, besides treating him like a god and giving him millions of dollars)? Curt has cleared up a difficult election for the nation. Voters no longer have to think for themselves, Curt Schilling has told them what to think. When voters go to the polls, they should forget what is best for them and their families, and instead, vote for Schilling -- er, Bush!

The fact of the matter is that Curt Schilling should be ashamed of himself. While he apologized for his comments on "Good Morning America," he didn't say anything about his phone message. Schilling needs to realize that he isn't a political analyst; he is simply lucky people like to watch baseball.

Grant Hill was lauded by a writer for the Orlando Sentinel when he spoke out for Kerry at a rally earlier in October. While this isn't as controversial as Schilling trying to capitalize on a World Series win, this is still wrong. The writer praised Grant Hill for having the courage to take a stand and being one of the only athletes to care more about social, rather than commercial, impact.

"Like any other citizen, athletes are entitled to keep their views private. It's just sad when the silence is based on the wallet, not the heart. The overriding concern these days is not to hurt your marketability ... It's not that there are no conscientious athletes out there. But given the choice of having a commercial impact or a social impact, most will take the sneaker contract and run." - David Whitley, Orlando Sentinel, October 17.

This is a blatant generalization of athletes, and a poor one at that. David Whitley dismisses the billions of dollars athletes have given to charities and have invested in communities. He dismisses the social impact of having players speak at schools about the importance of education and reading. Apparently, the only way to take a stand is to proclaim your allegiance to one side or the other.

I am all for athletes taking stands on issues. If it is something they really believe in and something they are knowledgeable about, I am fine with it. I think it's terrific that so many athletes have stepped up this election by encouraging and educating people on the importance of voting. When athletes encourage people to vote, they are truly embracing their status as role models to fans. They overstep their bounds, however, when they abuse a platform given to them by fans by pushing their own agenda on the people that have given them so much.

Whitley accuses athletes of staying quiet on presidential issues as a way of making more money. He doesn't acknowledge the ramifications of statements similar to those made by Bears linebacker Hunter Hillenmeyer.

"And I tell everybody in the locker room; it makes no sense for anybody making the money an NFL player does to vote for a Democrat," he said. "The first thing Kerry is going to do is hike the tax rate up on the highest tax bracket and cost everybody in here a large chunk of change."

These aren't exactly the words a role model, yet Hillenmeyer can hardly be blamed. Elections are always going to be a case of people voting for what's best for their families and friends, which is precisely why it's a decision that needs to be thought about by everyone, instead of merely "trusting" Curt Schilling.

If an athlete is asked who he is voting for, I don't have a problem with him answering. It should be a situation of "don't ask, don't tell." I have a problem once athletes abuse their position to start promoting their candidate. This is a dangerous trend, and it will quickly turn into a slippery slope if it continues.

How long will it be before athletes are paid for their endorsements of presidential candidates? To some athletes, it would be just like endorsing a pair of shoes or endorsing McDonald's. While such instances would be the same to athletes, the situation is far more complex.

Some of the blame lies with people that would be influenced by this, but more of the blame lies with the athlete abusing his status as a role model. The fact of the matter, however, is that people have a lot more at stake when choosing a president than when they are choosing Gatorade over Powerade. People need to look at the issues and decide what is best for them, not what is best for some athlete-turned-political shill.

Besides, many people turn to sports to get away from the outside world. For people inundated with election coverage and propaganda in the news, they know they can turn to sports to get away from it. Sports can bring together so many people, even during the most divisive times in our country. At games, fans are, and should be, divided by teams, not political affiliation.

People should vote based on what is best for them and their families, not on who they cheer for.

Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].

Posted by Mark Chalifoux at 2:13 PM | Comments (7)

NFL Week 8 Power Rankings

Five Quick Hits

* If you are a United States citizen over the age of 17, please vote today (Tuesday, November 2).

* Referees are taking great liberties with the meaning of "irrefutable visual evidence" this season. I love instant replay and am not under any circumstances in favor of eliminating it, but it needs to be administered more evenly.

* Atlanta's defense seems to have disintegrated.

* This week, Jim Nantz incorrectly called Jerome Bettis a future Hall of Famer. I have faith that six or seven years down the road, the voters won't make the same mistake Nantz did.

* Back-to-back field goals bounced off and over the crossbar on Sunday night. If you went to bed early, you missed a strange game.

We all had an idea what to expect, but I don't think the league knew what it was getting into by letting Kansas City and Indianapolis play each other. On the same field on the same day, we saw: two top-five offensive lines, the best player in the NFL, two of the greatest running backs of this era, a future Hall of Fame wide receiver and tight end, a rising star of a number two receiver, the best fullback in the game today, an explosive punt returner, and absolutely no defense. The contest produced a relatively modest 80 points and 1,095 combined yards, the third-highest total in history. The top two games involved the two greatest offenses in history, the 1950 Rams and the 1982 Chargers.

The fireworks at Arrowhead Stadium were so explosive that Peyton Manning managed to overshadow Drew Brees (5 TDs) and Jake Plummer (499 yards) on Sunday. Some people, though, will point to this game as another example of Manning's failure to win big games. That charge against Manning is outdated. What do these people want him to do, suit up on defense?

On to the power rankings, and as usual, brackets show last week's rank.

1. Philadelphia Eagles [2] -- Teams at the bottom of the rankings move up any time they win. If you're ranked in the 30s, I don't expect you to beat anyone who isn't. Standards are higher at the top. The best team, number one, shouldn't just win. It should win big. It should beat bad teams by a ton; not running up the score, no Steve Spurrier-at-Florida-like, but double digits. The best team should beat other good teams, too. At the beginning of the season, that team was the Eagles. They weren't just undefeated; they were head-and-shoulders above their opponents, including some very good ones. Meanwhile, New England was squeaking by mediocre-to-bad opposition. Then the Pats embarrassed Seattle and knocked off the 5-0 Jets. In Philly, Donovan McNabb was starting to struggle and Brian Westbrook was injured. The Eagles are undefeated, and they're back on top, but I'm not enthusiastic about this. I expect more from the team at the top.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers [6] -- Who didn't step up on Sunday? Ben Roethlisberger, Duce Staley, Joey Porter, and Plaxico Burress all had huge games. Pittsburgh has won five in a row, but you know what really impresses me? They're playing like the top team.

3. New England Patriots [1] -- You can't rush six times for five yards and expect to win. Pittsburgh was totally prepared for New England's tired offensive gameplan. On the other side of the ball, Roethlisberger and Staley simply torched the Patriot defense. Load up to stop the run and you'll have to put up with celebrations from Burress. Double-cover Burress and Hines Ward and you risk putting Staley over 200 yards. On Sunday, the Steelers had a balanced offense running on all cylinders, and the Pats tried to pass on every down. Didn't it occur to the New England coaching staff that Corey Dillon might not be 100% at some point during the season? There has to be a better "Plan B."

4. New York Jets [5] -- I'm looking at the back end of their schedule, and it's brutal. The Jets need these early wins over bad teams, because at the end of the season, .500 ball might be a reasonable expectation.

5. Kansas City Chiefs [9] -- Trent Green is making a late push as a Pro Bowl candidate in the AFC, but he'll have stiff competition. You could vote for Manning, Tom Brady, and Chad Pennington, and no one could really argue with that. Or you could go with Manning, Roethlisberger, and Byron Leftwich. Also reasonable. But what about Drew Brees and David Carr and Jeff Garcia? Those guys could all make a case as at least the third-best QB in the conference. In the NFC, Green would have a good chance of playing in Hawaii; in the AFC, he's an afterthought.

6. Indianapolis Colts [3] -- The Colts have lost two in a row, but to good teams (KC and Jacksonville). The Chiefs have won three of their last four, with the loss coming at Jacksonville. Since Jacksonville has beaten both the Chiefs and Colts, one could argue the Jags should be higher. But then what do I do with Houston and San Diego? And Minnesota and Atlanta? You can't use that kind of formula to rank teams, or your head will explode.

7. Minnesota Vikings [4] -- Ugly loss, and Daunte Culpepper had his weakest outing of the season. Without the threat of a healthy Randy Moss, the whole offense suffers. Michael Bennett and Mewelde Moore combined for 49 rushing yards. Culpepper led the team with 32 yards on the ground. The Giants game was at least partially a fluke, but it also reinforced that the Vikings need Moss. It also becomes more clear each week that Minnesota needs to rededicate itself to the running game. Moss's absence is a perfect time to do that.

8. Houston Texans [13] -- The offense gets most of the press, and that's probably appropriate. Andre Johnson is quickly becoming a bona fide star, and David Carr is really coming into his own. For the second week in a row, though, the defense held an opponent to 10 points or less. Coming into Houston on Sunday, the Jaguars had scored more than 20 points for three games in a row. The Texans held them to six, a season-low. With a defense like that to accompany the offense, Houston is a team to be reckoned with. A very difficult schedule makes it unlikely that Dom Capers can guide his players to the postseason in a crowded AFC playoff picture, but the Texans will probably have a decided effect on who else gets in.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars [7] -- Twelve rushes (two by the quarterback) and 42 passes. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but balanced offense is essential. If you can't pass, you can't come back when you get behind, and teams will stack the line to stop the run. If you can't run, you can't control the clock or set up play-action to help your QB. The Jaguars clearly have the makings of a very good team, but they need balance and consistency.

10. Baltimore Ravens [10] -- Next week, Jamal Lewis will be back from his (completely unjustified) two-game suspension, and Pro Bowl TE Todd Heap should be back, as well. Without them, Baltimore played almost even on the road against Philadelphia, going into the final period down by a field goal. Frankly, that's better than I expected.

11. New York Giants [12] -- I know that this ranking is too low, but I can't imagine who I'd move down. The Giants were the last team to beat Green Bay, and they were beating Minnesota 34-0 before a couple of garbage-time TDs made it look closer. The Giants are 5-2 and have a couple of easy games coming up which could solidify their status as the NFC's wildcard front-runner.

12. San Diego Chargers [14] -- I also know that this ranking is too low, but I can't imagine who I'd move down. Since the end of September, San Diego's only loss is by one point to Atlanta in a game the Chargers controlled for three quarters. The teams they've lost to are a combined 17-6. And really, what are they going to do with Brees at the end of the season?

13. Atlanta Falcons [15] -- Call it the Michael Vick factor. He's not polished or consistent, but he's the most explosive player in the league, capable of taking over a game at any time. Vick does things no one else even dreams about. Every GM in the league would probably take Manning or Culpepper over Vick on a week-to-week basis, but for one game, especially if your team appears to be outmatched, Vick is in a league of his own.

14. Green Bay Packers [16] -- Three wins in a row deserves recognition, but an illegal motion penalty away from a likely loss to one of the NFL's worst doesn't impress me. Green Bay controlled the game for 55 minutes, but couldn't put it away. The pass defense remains vulnerable -- this was apparent even against Washington's awful air attack -- and Brett Favre's health and decision-making have been questionable all season.

15. Detroit Lions [11] -- Maddeningly inconsistent, the Lions haven't had a winning or losing streak since Week 2. That's likely to continue, as Detroit will be favored to avenge this week's loss next Sunday against Washington, followed by a probable defeat at Jacksonville in Week 10.

16. Denver Broncos [8] -- Reuben Droughns finally slowed down, so Jake Plummer passed for one of the highest totals in NFL history, and Rod Smith had the first 200-yard receiving game of the 2004 season. To celebrate, Plummer threw three interceptions and the defense let Vick do whatever he wanted.

17. Cleveland Browns [17] -- Garcia came alive in October, and the Browns went 2-2, losing to Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. There's no shame in that. Cleveland's schedule is probably too tough for the playoffs to be a realistic possibility, but this is a good team, capable of beating almost anyone. I thought the Browns would be awful this season, and I was wrong.

18. St. Louis Rams [18] -- During the Sunday night broadcast, Paul Maguire praised the character of St. Louis head coach Mike Martz. Isn't Martz notorious for being combative, stubborn, and misleading -- if not outright deceitful? It's like that classic traditional wisdom: someone who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. Someone who is nice to the media who write about him, but mean to Kurt Warner's wife ... oh, never mind.

19. Seattle Seahawks [19] -- Faced with a must-win game, Shaun Alexander was the only one who stepped up. Matt Hasselbeck had his best game in weeks, which is to say that he wasn't personally responsible for a team loss. The defense contained Carolina's fourth- and fifth-string runners admirably, but didn't get past Carolina's weak offensive line to sack Jake Delhomme. I still think Seattle will make the playoffs, but they'll need some help from the Rams. The NFC West champ will probably keep the Packers or Lions out of the playoffs, but I don't see anyone from the NFC West claiming the wildcard.

20. Dallas Cowboys [23] -- Broke a three-game losing streak against a team with a winning record. I shudder to think where this team would be with an average head coach instead of Bill Parcells.

21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers [20] -- A Week 8 bye gives them time to ... get older. Tampa traded four high draft picks to get Jon Gruden. Assuming Tony Dungy wouldn't have led them to a Super Bowl victory in 2002 -- which is an assumption, not a given -- would you rather win the Super Bowl once and have to rebuild a team from scratch, or make the playoffs every season for six years? Those early draft picks would come in mighty handy right about now.

22. Buffalo Bills [24] -- In my preseason power rankings, I questioned Buffalo's defense. It seems to be doing fine, having allowed more than 20 points only once all season, against New England.

23. New Orleans Saints [21] -- Last week's ranking was a little too high. They had a bye and dropped two spots. Perfect. The Saints haven't beaten anyone but Oakland in the last month, and that was close. New Orleans has allowed at least 20 points in every game this season.

24. Tennessee Titans [27] -- One of the strangest statistics I've seen all year: the Titans have allowed exactly 20 points in three consecutive games. Tennessee's defense leaves a lot to be desired, but I'll go out on a limb and say that Chicago won't make it to 20 when the teams meet in Week 10.

25. Arizona Cardinals [22] -- Two wins in their last four games, but the losses are to 1-6 San Francisco and 2-5 Buffalo. Those teams are a combined 1-11 when they don't play the Cardinals.

26. Carolina Panthers [26] -- Five losses in a row. This ranking is too high, but everyone below them has such compelling cases to stay there. Carolina hasn't scored more than 17 points since Week 2 against Kansas City.

27. Cincinnati Bengals [29] -- Billy Volek outplayed Carson Palmer and Chris Brown outrushed Rudi Johnson by almost 100 yards. The real Bengals are the ones who lose every week, not the ones who upset Denver on Monday night. Cincinnati moves up this week because of how bad the San Francisco Bay Area teams are. That sort of thing happens at the bottom of the rankings. You play badly and move up anyway.

28. Washington Redskins [30] -- Any success in the passing game occurs in spite of Mark Brunell, not because of him. That said, Washington's offensive line didn't do its quarterback any favors on Sunday. Ray Brown was consistently beaten, and Brunell got hit almost every time he went back to pass. Brunell's limited range as a passer actually is convenient given that the line can't protect him long enough for deep pass plays to develop. When Joe Gibbs coached Washington the first time around, with Charlie Brown and The Posse, his QBs occasionally threw more than seven yards downfield. Not this year.

29. Oakland Raiders [28] -- The Raiders have allowed at least 30 points in five consecutive games.

30. Chicago Bears [32] -- Conventional wisdom holds that "defense wins games." Chicago, Miami, Washington, Arizona, Buffalo, and Tampa Bay all have very good defenses. Kansas City, Indianapolis, Minnesota, and Green Bay have awful defenses. Just a thought.

31. San Francisco 49ers [25] -- Like many fans, I thought Kevan Barlow would have a breakout season in 2004. But he's got nothing to work with. This team has been devastated by injuries and handcuffed by financial issues.

32. Miami Dolphins [31] -- If the season ended today, Randy McMichael would be my all-pro tight end.

United States Election Day, 2004: Tuesday, November 2.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good [people] to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

Posted by Brad Oremland at 1:50 PM | Comments (0)

November 1, 2004

Pennsylvania Teams Headed For Showdown

Not only is Pennsylvania a battleground state in an election that looks to go down to the wire, it is also home to two of the best teams in the NFL. Yes, pro football fans in PA -- and Eagles and Steelers fans nationwide -- are living the good life so far this year.

The Philadelphia Eagles have lost in the NFC Championship game the last three years and quite frankly, they are a bit tired of it. In order to boost their rather pathetic receiving corps, and give Donovan McNabb a real deep threat, the Eagles went out and got Terrell Owens. Everybody knows that Owens has a big mouth and a tendency to showboat when he gets in the end zone, but some questioned just how much he would add to the Eagles' offense. It turns out quite a bit. As if to prove a point, Owens had the key touchdown in the Eagles' 15-10 win over Baltimore.

It was the Ravens who had originally made the trade for Owens, but instead lost out to the Eagles when T.O. refused to play in Baltimore. Owens now has 34 catches for 596 yards and 8 touchdowns. T.O. is averaging 17.5 yards per grab and his 8 TDs are nearly two thirds of McNabb's 13. Clearly, Owens has become a valuable weapon in Philadelphia and has taken some of the heat off McNabb. With Brian Westbrook out, it was even more important for T.O. to step up; and give him credit, he did.

The Eagles are now the lone remaining undefeated team in the NFL, but to be fair, they haven't faced a lot of high-caliber teams. If you take out their first two wins (against the Giants and the Vikings), their opponents have a combined record of 13-21. But the fact remains the Eagles have found ways to win (including a overtime win last week in Cleveland). They have out scored their opponents 186-104 so far this season, and that is a recipe for success.

In a twist of fate, or the scheduling gods, the Eagles get a real test nest week when they travel across the state to Heinz Field to take on the red-hot Pittsburgh Steelers. The Steelers will look to knock the last remaining unbeaten team off their pedestal just like they ended the New England Patriots' consecutive wins steak at 21 on Sunday.

The Steelers are really a Cinderella story this year. In another Philly connection, the Steelers' biggest offseason acquisition was former Eagle running back Duce Staley. Clearly, Duce was a big addition as he has run for 582 yards including four 100-plus-yard games. The combination of Duce Staley and a rejuvenated Jerome Bettis has recharged the Steelers' running game. But looking back the most important offseason acquisition might turn out to be rookie quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

Roethlisberger entered the lineup when starting QB Tommy Maddox went down against Baltimore in Week 2. Since then, the rookie out of Miami of Ohio has ripped off five-straight wins to power the Steelers to a two-game lead in their division and a 6-1 record. His first start came in rough conditions. Not only was he on the road and facing a tough defense in Miami, but he had to face the uncertainty of a change in game time due to severe weather. Roethlisberger's first pass was intercepted, but he soon calmed down and captained the Steelers to a 13-3 win in very tough conditions.

The next week, he was right back at it, leading the Steelers to a come-from-behind victory over division rival Cincinnati. In that game, Roethlisberger clearly outshone second-year and former first-round draft pick Carson Palmer, whose late interception sealed the game. Perhaps even more impressive, however, was his come-from-behind victory the next week against Dallas. It is one thing to beat the Bengals at home, it is another thing to go on the road and beat a Bill Parcels-coached team. Down 10 points in the fourth quarter, Ben once again rallied his team as the Steelers scored 14 unanswered points to win. He completed nine-straight throws on his last two scoring drives to lead the team to victory.

But those wins were all a set up for Sunday's game against New England. The Super Bowl champs were coming into town unbeaten and having won a record 21 games in a row dating back to last season. All of the talk going into the game was how Bill Belichick and Romeo Crennel were going to confuse Roethlisberger with a variety of defensive schemes and blitzes. Few experts thought the rookie would get the better of these veteran coaches and their unpredictable defense.

Instead of wilting under the pressure or making mistakes out of confusion, Roethlisberger instead led the Steelers to four scores off of Patriot turnovers to win going away, 34-20. Two big throws to Plaxico Burress and an interception return for a touchdown by Deshea Townsend put Pittsburgh up 21-3 in the first quarter and they never looked back. Tom Brady rallied the Patriots to score a touchdown just before half, but a third quarter Kevin Faulk fumble led to another short Jerome Bettis touchdown run and the lead was once again 21. Tom Brady ended up with more completions and more yards than Roethlisberger, but he also had two interceptions, a fumble and was sacked four times.

The Steelers are clearly a rejuvenated team. New defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau has his young group of players hitting hard and taking advantage of opportunities. They have come up big when they needed to. Troy Polamalu had the clutch interception return for a TD to seal the win over the Bengals. James Farrior caused the crucial fumble that led to the comeback at Dallas. And Sunday, Joey Porter had three sacks and caused a fumble to go along with Townsend's pick and score.

The offense is also pumped up. The combination of Staley and Bettis is proving to be formidable. Duce is a solid feature back that can carry the load. Bettis is a dangerous weapon in goal line situations and on third down. As an added benefit, using both backs keeps each one healthier. Both backs have had injuries in the past, so keeping them fresh is important. Plus, the last thing opponents want to see after being pounded by Duce Staley is the Bus coming off the bench.

The Bus' eight touchdowns are testament to the effectiveness of the Steelers' goal line offense. As a result, the Steelers have the best red zone touchdown efficiency rating in the NFL. Combine this running game with an athletic and talented quarterback and a top-notch group of receivers, and you have a potent offensive package. If the Steelers need to run out the clock on a lead, they have the punishing ground game to do it. If they need to move the ball down the field to win a game, they have the firepower to do it. Right now, the Steelers look like a well-rounded and dangerous team. (Full disclosure: I am a long-time Steeler fan.)

All of this sets up a great match up for next week: the Battle of Pennsylvania. It pits the perennial NFC contender against the rejuvenated, but tradition-laden, challenger -- the lone remaining unbeaten team in the NFL versus the team that ended the streak. You have the All-Pro veteran in McNabb versus the up-and-coming rookie Roethlisberger. You have superstar wideout Terrell Owen versus suddenly hot Plaxico Burress. To go with the offensive battle, you have two teams that like to win with tough defense and a strong running game. To top it all off, you have two great coaches in Andy Reid and Bill Cower.

Pennsylvania football fans have got to be pumped. This is a battle royale for in-state bragging rights. I don't know about you, but I will be watching every minute of this one.

Posted by Kevin Holtsberry at 2:11 PM | Comments (1)

2004 MLB Season in Retrospect

Now that the confetti has been strewn and the hangovers are wearing off, those of us outside Red Sox Nation can applaud the efforts of the many clubs that provided us with an outstanding Major League Baseball season. Unfortunately, once past the League Championship Series, the World Series did not hold up to expectations as a competitive one for baseball fans outside of, as well as inside of, the St. Louis and Boston areas. The season's finale left most of us limp and wanting for more.

Perhaps the drain of the American League Championship Series and the National League Championship Series, which were wildly competitive for the most part, exhausted the Fat Lady as she had a bit of laryngitis. And while articles and book deals and high-paying endorsements will be doled out to the Boston Red Sox and their individual players well into the 2005 season, the ending to the 2004 MLB season left a lot of us perplexed and yearning for a more balanced and tidier ending.

As the Gold Glove Awards are announced the week after the World Series Champions are crowned, followed by the Cy Young Award winners, the Leagues' MVPs, Manager of the Year Awards, and various other awards for individual players' merits, it could be a very long winter, and more so for many of the clubs who remained very competitive this MLB season through the last two weeks and who got ever so close.

Certainly, the World Champion Red Sox deserve all of the accolades they are now receiving, and probably more so because of their 86-year drought between World Series Championships.

That said, the last time we saw a sweep in the World Series was in 1990 with the Reds steamrolling Tony La Russa's Oakland A's, who had swept the San Francisco Giants just the season before in the 1989 earthquake-interrupted World Series in Oakland, CA. And both the 1989 and 1990 World Series were not well remembered, primarily due to their lack of competition. And competition is what makes a World Series worth remembering.

So, all of us folks outside of Red Sox Nation must savor the moments throughout the season in which we witnessed performances of individual feats as well as team collaborations. Certainly, the National League Division Championship Series comes to mind in which the Houston Astros overcame the Atlanta Braves and then went on to challenge the St. Louis Cardinals for seven games.

St. Louis had to work hard to put out Houston's light. The story of the Houston Astros will not be lost on baseball fans across the country, as they came back from the dead after August 14, 2004 when they turned it all around. Too bad the Cardinals did not take a page out of Houston's book when they went on to play Boston in the World Series.

What we as fans must reconcile now over the winter, is how the season ended and the lackluster play primarily of the NY Yankees and the St. Louis Cardinals, who were the two best teams in baseball over the course of the season. That is, they each won more games than any other teams in each of their leagues with 101 and 105 wins, respectively.

And we cannot forget the Yankees' 61 come-from-behind wins in the regular season and adding one for good measure in the postseason, beating an all-time record of come from behind wins within a season.

But the writing was on the wall, as the Yankees' long ball was predominantly their strong suit all season, and their come-from-behind wins, while admirable, was required time and time again, as the pitching staff never got off to the starts they needed.

And St. Louis, losing one of their starters at the end of the season and keeping their pitching staff together with a wing and a prayer during the final weeks, was always suspicious going into the postseason. Adding to that was the inexperience of postseason play for most of the St. Louis lineup.

But most remarkable is how both St. Louis and NY were shutdown offensively by Boston, having been previously compared to the "Murderer's Row" 1942 St. Louis team and the 1961 Yankees, respectively.

The disappointment in the way the NY Yankees crashed and burned, losing four straight games in the ALCS to Boston after being within two outs of winning the American League Pennant, was a devastating loss and now will be noted historically, as well. Had it been a really competitive ALCS, as most of the NY-Boston games had been throughout the season, it would have been a more gratifying one for fans to witness, regardless of the outcome.

And unfortunately, the St. Louis Cardinals somehow followed the Yankees' terrible script of how to play the Red Sox, continuing to make it a World Series of devastating proportions for them, as well.

As fans, we always remember the way the MLB season ends, how our individual teams made out, and how the game held up throughout the season. The game excelled throughout the season with parity ruling the day until the last weekend, where the California teams were all in it and followed more closely than they had been in decades.

We all were able to enjoy good League Division Championship Series and followed the National League Championship Series with great interest. And we did get to witness three well-played games in the ALCS. Thereafter, the wheels came off for the Yankees and the Cardinals then mirrored their efforts.

The way in which the final results were cast was terribly unsettling for a baseball fan. Somehow the balance of competitive play, present all season, could not hold up in the ALCS and the World Series.

Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox, the 2004 World Series Champions. And let us aim for the 2005 season to be as fulfilling as 2004. And we can only hope that the ALCS and the World Series will be more competitive in 2005 as it could not be any less so than 2004.

Anybody ready for the Hot Stove yet?

Posted by Diane M. Grassi at 1:34 PM | Comments (0)

College Football Ramblings Into November

Thoughts on the season as November begins:

* I think the Cal Golden Bears would really be a dominant team if it weren't for the Trojans from Southern California. This Cal team is known more for its offense, but it can really play some serious D.

* I think Texas A&M was looking ahead to Oklahoma when they were stunned by Baylor. But that's no excuse. It's Baylor, for heaven's sake. Baylor! Shameful.

* I think Texas A&M's loss to Baylor is huge bad news for Utah that can be partially and nearly-completely erased if the Aggies can pull the upset over the Sooners next week in College Station.

* How bad was October 30 for Florida? The Sunshine State had four Division I-A college football programs in action, and they all lost (Florida, Florida State, Central Florida, and Miami). Florida is also home to two provisional Division I-A teams. Only one of those teams actually won.

* I think if Utah had a stiffer defense, there'd be much less discussion regarding their place in the national scene. It's difficult to know which result will have a greater effect on the Utes' place in the BCS mix: the Baylor upset over Texas A&M or the North Carolina upset over Miami.

* Is it okay with everyone else if we just hand Southern California the national championship? I just don't see another team in the nation that can beat them. Oklahoma might hang with them, make for a fun game. But, everyone else? I don't think the Trojans win by fewer than 10 points to any other program out there. I just don't.

* What a weird year for the folks in Starksville, Mississippi. The Sylvester Croom era opens with a win over Tulane, then proceeds with a loss to Division I-AA Maine at home and what are now familiar drubbings early in the SEC schedule. Then, somehow, the Bulldogs win back-to-back conference games over the Gators and the Kentucky Wildcats. There may be promise in the Croom regime after all.

* Then again, maybe not, as the NCAA revealed that Mississippi State would go on a four-year long probation for violations committed in the Jackie Sherrill era that just ended last season.

* With the Ron Zook era nearing its inevitable end in Gainesville, the question must be asked? Who else will be "released from their contract?" Illinois will almost certainly fire Ron Turner. Washington seems destined to let go of Keith Gilbertson. Rumors around Pitt have Walt Harris leaving the program, despite the Panthers being but one more win from bowl eligibility. Before UNC shocked Miami, John Bunting's ouster seemed a solid bet. Now? Who knows. And one must wonder about Kentucky's Rich Brooks. Sure, he says he wanted to continue, but Croom's Bulldogs have already led to the dismissal of one coach.

* Anyone who wondered how long it would take Mike Price to bring respectability to Texas-El Paso should take note: the Miners, with a win over San Jose State Saturday, became bowl eligible. Will they get a bowl bid? Probably not. But by reaching the six wins total in week ten, Price's Miners have tied the victory total of the last three season combined. That's a turnaround and a testament to the coach. If only he'd been given the opportunity to live down a single night of personal foibles at Alabama.

* Speaking of Alabama, I think it has gone completely unnoticed, maybe by design, of just how little complaining is being done about Mike Shula in his second season. He had a shaky rookie season as the Crimson Tide's head coach, but has lost his top two quarterbacks, his top two running backs, countless others throughout the team, and the Tide, while by no means spectacular, are a pushover for no one. Imagine if Shula didn't have NCAA probation sanctions to overcome.

* When was the last time a guy who was being handed the Heisman in mid-October got benched before November? I mean it, this is history, right? Incredible how far Purdue and their senior quarterback Kyle Orton have fallen. Truly astounding.

* As for the Heisman, I think I'm ready to say that maybe Heisman voters need to get over their fear of younger players. Is there a more outstanding player than Oklahoma's Adrian Peterson? I think maybe only one, Southern California's quarterback Matt Leinart. Other than that, everyone else I'm lukewarm toward. Auburn's Carnell Williams, Oklahoma's Jason White, and Michigan's Braylon Edwards are second-tier candidates in my mind.

Posted by David Martin at 12:25 PM | Comments (0)