NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 7

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Atlanta @ Kansas City

"My name may be Priest," preaches Chief running back Priest Holmes, "but I alone cannot rescue this team from the eternal damnation of a 1-4 record. We have tried to fight our demons, but it has been an exorcism in futility. It's clear as heaven that the football gods are against us, and that leaves us with only one option: quitting. Naw, just kidding. We need to toss our coaching staff into an active volcano."

"Wait a minute, Priest," counsels Chief coach Dick Vermeil. "Let's not panic. We may be four games down to Denver in the win column, but get this, we're only three down in the loss column. And we're playing at home Sunday."

"Yeah, you're right," Holmes says. "But we're winless at home."

"Well, we're playing the Falcons. They suck, don't they?"

"No, they're 5-1," corrects Holmes. "You are forever the eternal optimist. That's why you need to go."

Indeed, the Falcons are riding high above the NFC South, a division that has produced the last two NFC Champions. Now, it is arguably the weakest in the NFC, with New Orleans, Carolina, and Tampa Bay combining for a 4-13 record so far.

"Damn," says Michael Vick, "that means we've got more wins ourselves than the rest of the whole division. Break out the champagne, fellas, we just clinched the division. Let's go to the Gold Club."

Sorry, Michael, it doesn't work that way, although the division-clinching win shouldn't be too far away. If the Saints, Panthers, and Bucs keep losing and you and the Falcons keep winning, you could see that "y" next to Atlanta in the standings come week 11 or 12.

"All right, but I'm still going to the Gold Club."

Vick has his way with the K.C. defense, with a touchdown run and pass. Atlanta's defense stymies Trent Green into two interceptions.

Falcons win, 24-17.

Buffalo @ Baltimore

"At this point in the season," Raven coach Brian Billick explains, "I'd have to say that our Most Valuable Player is punt and kickoff returner B.J. Sams. Incidentally, that's also the name of my favorite Japanese restaurant. You know, I love the way they slice and dice the food right in front of me, although, for some reason, the sight of that giant butcher knife makes me a little uneasy."

Have you been watching Iron Chef on the Food Network again?

"Oh no," replies Billick. "It's that new sous chef at B.J. Sam's. I think his name is O.J. Simpson. I can't quite put a finger on it; maybe it's the black gloves he wears while dicing; maybe it's when he offers me juice with my meal; but he gives me the creeps."

"Hey man," says Simpson, "I'm just looking for the real killers. I received a tip from a concerned citizen that the killer, I mean killers, may be in Baltimore."

"Well," replies Billick, "that citizen was right. You are in Baltimore. Now, prepare my sweet and sour pork before my very eyes, you slime ball."

Just as there is no chance that Simpson will find the real killer, there is no chance that the Bills will beat Baltimore. Oh, it will be a defensive struggle, but Baltimore always finds a way to score, usually on defense.

"Drew Bledsoe's movement is stiff as a board," notes Raven linebacker Terrell Suggs, "and he's ripe for the pickin'. I think by game's end, we will be calling him 'Roger Mortis.'"

Bledsoe is brutalized. The Ravens' defense and special teams account for two touchdowns. Baltimore QB Kyle Boller accounts for one -- for the Bills.

Ravens win, 20-10.

Chicago @ Tampa Bay

Does that pirate ship in the end zone of Raymond James Stadium even intimidate anyone anymore?

"Did it ever?" asks Tampa coach Jon Gruden. "That was there so the kids could play on it while their parents got wasted in the stands. It's a miracle one of those cannonballs never hit the field. But, we can still intimidate. Doesn't it scare you when I put on this eye patch and this fake hook on my arm?"

Avast, matey, it doesn't. The only thing in Tampa that intimidates is that old geezer of a defensive coordinator, Monte Kiffin, who storms up and down the sideline promoting his "Cover 2" defense.

"Oh no. You've got it all wrong," Gruden explains. "Our players just avoid Monte because he smells like mothballs and stale Old Spice cologne."

Yes, that is intimidation, and lethal, at that.

Chicago, on the other hand, intimidates no one. The Bears are trying to stay afloat with Jonathan Quinn at quarterback. How's that working out for you, Lovie Smith?

"Not too good, buddy," Smith explains. "Jonathan Quinn just doesn't have the pedigree or the right name to succeed at quarterback. Now, if you told me a Jonathan Quinn was a signer of the Declaration Of Independence, I'd believe you in a heartbeat."

Good point, Lovie. I think I saw Quinn signing autographs with a quill pen and ink.

Quinn's weak performance has allowed defenses to concentrate on stopping running back Thomas Jones, who was a force early in the season.

"Yeah, I think that's what we'll do," adds Kiffin. "We're going to put nine in the box and make our cornerbacks cover two guys apiece. Hence, 'Cover 2.'"

It works like a charm. Tampa assaults Quinn, pummeling him with five sacks and two interceptions. Brian Griese remains sharp for the Bucs, with two TD passes.

Tampa Bay wins, 30-7.

Detroit @ N.Y. Giants

The most striking news out of New York City is not the Giants' 4-1 start; nor is it the death of actor Christopher Reeve, possibly the most memorable version of Superman on the silver screen. What's really abuzz is the possible retirement of Takeru Kobayashi, four-time Nathan's hot dog-eating champion.

"Kobayashi has really been an inspiration to me, personally," comments Giant quarterback Kurt Warner. "You have no idea the spiritual guidance I receive when I watch a 130-pound Japanese man stuff over 50 hot dogs down his pipe. It's like with every wiener that disappears down his throat, I'm one step closer to my personal savior."

And who might that be, Kurt?

"I'll answer that," says New York head coach Tom Coughlin. "Kurt is referring to me. I am his personal savior. I rescued Kurt from the depths of quarterback hell, where he's been floundering since his glory years, all two of them. I gave him a fresh start, and look at him now. He's just a shell of his former self, but he can still throw the 20-yard out, and his thumb has remained unbroken."

"Psst! I was talking about Jesus," Warner quietly asserts, "but let's just let Coach believe he's responsible for everything. It'll make him happy, or at least not angry."

Warner stays hot, or at least not cold, with two touchdown passes. Tiki Barber scores another for the G-Men and New York stays hot on the heels of the Eagles in the NFC East.

Giants win, 24-13.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis

"We realize the danger the Jaguars present," analyzes Peyton Manning. "We've studied their tendencies, watched a lot of film, and understand that they like to keep games close and then win it in the final seconds when Byron Leftwich hits one of his no-name receivers for a four-yard touchdown. To prevent this from happening, we plan to jump out to a 21-0 lead and hold that margin until the end."

"Man, that's bulletin board material right there," responds Jag coach Jack Del Rio. "I'll clip that and put it up there with the pictures of Fred Taylor's vacation to Cancun. I'll have Manning audible-izing that comment by Thursday."

On Thursday, Manning amends his statement to make the lead 28-0.

"See, I told you he'd change it," snickers Jack Del Rio.

You were right, Jack Del Rio, but here's the situation. The Colts are to the Jaguars as the Patriots are to the Colts.

"What the Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala are you talking about, you Ma'afala," screams an irate Jack Del Rio.

Settle down, Jack. Here's the deal: until your Jags beat the Colts, the Colts will always have the edge, in bragging rights and in division dominance. Just like the Patriots have the Colts' number.

"Oh, I get it. You're saying to be the man, you got to beat the man, and the Colts are the man?"

Yes, it's not often one mentions the words "Colts" and "man" in the same sentence, but that's what I'm saying.

"Fair enough, chief."

Once again, the Jags hang tough, but a Manning TD pass to Reggie Wayne clinches the win. Colts are victorious, 30-20, and open up a two game lead in the AFC South.

Philadelphia @ Cleveland

Even some fans in the Dawg Pound have to chuckle when Philly wide receiver and professional troublemaker Terrell Owens commandeers the public address system at Cleveland Stadium and says "...and at quarterback, out of The Closet, Jeff Garcia!"

"Ha ha, T.O. That's funny," a good-natured Jeff Garcia responds. "Terrell just won't let this controversy die. But I'm not going to let it bring me down. Things are good for me here in Cleveland. Hell. I just tied an NFL record for the longest pass touchdown in history with my 99-yard completion to André Davis. I love taking snaps from center here."

"Aha! You just admitted it and you didn't even realize it," Owens responds. "You said you love hovering over your center's five hole and taking snaps, as you call it. Need I say more? No, but I will anyway. Big deal, Garcia. You tied an NFL record; I own one all to myself. Twenty receptions in one game. You may have heard of it?"

"Yes, Terrell, I have heard of it," Garcia replies. "I threw all 20 of those to you. I think we hugged after that."

Garcia's clever wit sends Owens into a fit of rage, but his anger is nothing compared to his rage when the sound system at the Stadium blares the soulful words of Reunited by rhythm and blues super-duet Peaches and Herb.

"Did someone say 'herb?'", queries Ricky Williams.

Ricky, will you mind you own business?

Anyway, Owens controls his emotions, and succinctly reminds Garcia that Garcia's throwing to guys named Dennis Northcutt, André Davis, and Antonio Bryant, and not throwing to Terrell Owens. But Donovan McNabb is, and McNabb connects with Owens for two scores. Garcia can only manage 220 yards passing and one touchdown.

Eagles remain undefeated, winning 24-14.

San Diego @ Carolina

Keenan McCardell finally got his wish.

"Yeah, I'm out of the clutches of Tampa Bay and headed for a fresh start in San Diego," explains the former Buc wide receiver. "Sadly, though, this means I must relinquish my number one ranking as 'Player Who Most Hates Jon Gruden.' I slide to the number three spot, while Keyshawn Johnson moves back to number one, with Brad Johnson number two."

In Charlotte, a rancid stench permeates the air. No, it's not residual motor fumes from the Sponge Bob Square Pants Movie 300 Busch Series race at Charlotte Motor Speedway last Friday. It's the Panthers. They stink.

"You know, I looked at this game on our schedule earlier in the year and thought, 'Easy win,'" explains Panther defensive end Julius Peppers. "But on second thought and taking into account that we can't stop anyone, I fear for us facing LaDainian Tomlinson, Drew Brees, and McCardell. That's not even considering the interceptions Jake Delhomme will throw. We're toast."

Excellent observations, Julius.

Peppers' thoughts prove to be prophetic. Tomlinson runs wild, with 157 yards rushing, and McCardell notches his first score as a Charger.

San Diego wins 23-13.

St. Louis @ Miami

St. Louis head coach Mike Martz appears at a Friday press conference wearing a t-shirt that reads "Greatest Show On Turf; Greatest Coach On Earth."

"Please hold your applause," Martz advises. "I will be signing autographs after the interview session, and authentic replicas of this shirt are available at www.GrandWizard.com for $39.95. Damn, it's great to be me."

But let's give it up for Martz. The Rams are 4-2 and holding first place in the NFC West. Martz is calling a nice mix of run and pass plays, and Torry Holt finally exploded last Monday with two long touchdown catches. Could it get any better?

"It just did," adds Martz. "We're playing the 0-6 Dolphins."

"Yes, I am aware that we are the last remaining winless team," admits Miami's Dave Wannstedt. "But all we can do now is suck it up, ride it out, and sing this classic ditty from famous country variety show Hee Haw: 'Gloom, despair, and agony on me. Ohhh! Deep, dark, depression, excessive misery. Ohhh! If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Ohhh! Gloom, despair, and agony on me.'"

Cheer up, Dave. Ten more games and the season is over, if you make it that long. And the Dolphins could possibly have the number one pick in next year's draft.

"I think we've already traded that pick away in one of these sorry deals we made in the off-season," laments Wannstedt.

The Rams only add to Miami's misery. Miami's defense gives a gallant effort, but can only keep the Rams' offense off the field for so long, especially when the Miami offense keeps giving the ball back to the Rams. Bulger throws two TD passes; the St. Louis defense comes up with another score.

Rams cruise, 24-9.

Tennessee @ Minnesota

"Hey Jeff Fisher, riddle me this," Viking head coach Mike Tice offers. "What does the number 605 and the Minnesota Vikings have in common?"

"Dang, Tice," responds Fisher, "you know I love a good riddle. But I'm in no joking mood right now. My Titans are 2-4 and dead last in the AFC South."

"Come on, take a guess," Tice says.

"Okay. Let's see," Fisher responds. "605? Okay, I got it. 605 is the number of grams of coke that can be found in your locker room on a given Sunday."

"Hmmm. Good answer, but the wrong one. 605 is the amount of yardage we dropped on the Saints last week. Now, I know your defense isn't as pathetic as the Saints, but I just want to give you a heads up: we plan on posting yardage in the 490-520 range and scoring 35-42 points. And that's with Randy Moss nursing a pulled hamstring."

"And speaking of nurses, ham, and string," Moss says into the "CALL" speaker from his room in Minneapolis Memorial Hospital, "somebody get me a sandwich and a yo-yo!"

Moss or no Moss, the Vikings still have plenty of weapons, including Daunte Culpepper, who just lit up the Saints last week for five touchdowns, the third time this season he's done that, an NFL record.

"Look out, Dan Marino, here I come," warns Culpepper. "48 TDs in one year? Is that all you got? I'm sitting on 18 after five games, so, just know, I'm coming after you and your Isotoner gloves contract. And I plan on going to Germany, cutting an album, and getting famous, just like your doppelganger, David Hasselhoff."

The Titans manage a victory -- a moral victory, that is, by holding Culpepper to "only" four TD passes. One goes to Moss, who, even with a bad hamstring, is unstoppable.

Vikings win, 38-21.

N.Y. Jets @ New England

"You know," Herman Edwards recalls, "my good friend Kenny Loggins put it best when he sang, 'This is it. Make no mistake where you are. This is it. Your back's to the corner. This is it. Don't be a fool anymore. This is it. The waiting is over, no, don't you run. No way to hide. No time for wonderin' why. It's here, the moment is now, about to decide.'"

"Wow!" replies Jet kicker John Hall. "Coach Edwards has that amazing ability to take a Kenny Loggins song and use it as motivation, even for the guys who don't know Kenny Loggins. I bet if you took a Lil' John beat and had Mos Def rap the lyrics to This is It, the homies would think it was a brand new joint."

"Did someone say joint?" asks former Dolphin running back Ricky Williams, stoned as a bat.

Ricky, I thought I told you to get lost.

There's no doubt the Jets will be fired up for this one, but the Patriots' Bill Belichick also has a unique ability to get the most out of his team, even whilst speaking in a voice akin to Eeyore the donkey of Winnie the Pooh fame.

"Coach Billichick might not be the most animated fellow out there," New England cornerback and sole reason for the new illegal contact rules Ty Law states, "but he ... ah, let's face it, he's a statue. He could be a robot for all I know. It's amazing these days what they can do with computer graphic imaging. You know, the guys and I have tried to get Coach to smile, but it never happens. That's why we've all chipped in and will offer $50,000 to anyone who obtains visual proof that Coach has teeth."

The reward goes unclaimed as of Sunday, but Belichick lets slip a sly grin after the Pats go up 14-0 late in the first on a Corey Dillon touchdown.

Edwards keeps the Jets disciplined, and by half time, the New England lead is only 17-7. Jets' QB Chad Pennington's composure is tested early in the third when the Gillette Stadium crowd, taking a cue from their own daddies, New York Yankees fans, begin to chant "Who's Your Daddy" whenever Pennington throws a pass. As Pennington's father waves his arms wildly in the stands, Pennington calmly tosses a short TD pass to Lamont Jordan, and it's a three-point game.

But, as they almost always do, the Pats produce in the clutch. Rodney Harrison intercepts a Pennington pass, and, after a Brady TD pass and Adam Vinatieri field goal, New England celebrates it 21st in a row, a 27-14 win..

Dallas @ Green Bay

Thirty-seven years ago, Dallas and Green Bay played in possibly the most epic NFL Championship Game of all time, the infamous "Ice Bowl."

"Man, I am sick and tired of hearing about the 'Ice Bowl,'" complains Brett Favre. "Sure, Bart Starr may have scored the winning touchdown in that game, but ask yourself this: would you rather score the winning TD in an NFL Championship Game, or star with Ben Stiller, Cameron Diaz, and the great Matt Dillon in the slapstick comedy hit There's Something About Mary? I think the answer is clear."

And, if you've seen the movie, you know the clear answer to this question: can Brett Favre act? No.

Better stick to football, Brett.

"I plan to, pal," responds Favre. "But just for the record, I wasn't acting in that movie. I was just playing myself."

Well, in that case, Brett, even you playing yourself is bad acting. See you at the Oscar's someday.

Favre can't act, but he can throw the football. I think they clocked him at 64 miles per hour on Monday Night Football two weeks ago. That's pathetic. My change-up is faster than that. I'm just kidding. That's pretty awesome. I defy any Major League Baseball player, on steroids or not, to take a Brett Favre football fastball out of the park. I bet it can't be done.

Okay, enough with the shenanigans. Favre throws two TD passes and Ahman Green gets back on track with 100 yards rushing.

Packers victorious, 24-19.

New Orleans @ Oakland

"I want out of Oakland."

Jerry Rice has stated his case; now, it remains to be seen if the Raiders and owner/walking corpse Al Davis will oblige.

"We're shopping Jerry as we speak," notes the crusty Davis as he smoothes his hair back with a handful of 10-W40. "I think the Browns are interested, but all they want to give up is a 1958 Roger Maris rookie card. I told 'em to come back with a full set of the 1986 Garbage Pail Kids collection and we're in business. Excuse me for a minute. I can't get this song out of my head."

Suddenly, a boom microphone descends from the ceiling, and Davis pounces on his desk with surprising ease, and begins to sing, "This is a Raider, everybody on the dance floor. Raider. 'Cause we're here to turn the party out! Okay, where were we?"

And that's the story of Rice today. He's a forgotten man. He hasn't caught a pass in three games. In fact, he rarely even gets a pass thrown his way. I feel for you, Jerry. I didn't catch a single pass in my NFL career. Of course, I didn't have an NFL career, but my point is this: had I a career, I would have known that the time to go is when you're on top. And since you're about seven years too late for that, you should cut your losses, sign with the 49ers, and have a fantastic retirement bash. Just a thought.

This just in, Jerry: you've been traded to the Seahawks.

"Jerry," says Davis, "you've been a heck of a player for me and I would just..."

Before Davis can finish dispensing the pleasantries, Rice is out of the door.

And everyone knows the Raiders without Jerry Rice are, well, the same team, pretty much.

Anytime the Saints come to town, you know they can easily put up 30 or more points. Usually, when that happens, you can expect their opposition to score more than thirty, giving the Saints a loss. But not this week. The Saints will score 30, and the Raiders, mourning the loss of Rice, won't be able to keep up.

New Orleans wins, 30-21.

Seattle @ Arizona

Upon arrival at the Seattle airport, new Seahawk Jerry Rice flashes the "West Coast" hand signal and is met by Seahawk coach Mike Holmgren, who assigns Rice his new duties as receivers' coach.

"But I can still catch passes!" Rice complains.

"Yes, I know that, Jerry, but you will be more of an asset to us as a mentor to wide receivers Darrell Jackson and Koren Robinson, who both have vast quantities of unused potential."

"Hey,4 Uncle Jerry," jokes Jackson. "What can you show us that we don't already know, Pops?"

"You can start by shutting you mouth and your face!" Rice snaps back. "You young punks don't know squat. You guys have more drops this year than I have in my career. I've got a notebook on every defensive back I've ever played against. You ass clowns get your scouting report on Madden NFL 2K5.

Listen, suckers, I bet you didn't know that the Cardinals' right cornerback, David Macklin, has a lazy left eye and his right leg is two inches shorter than his left. In other words, he's always leaning left, so he's vulnerable when you make him go right. Now, with Deion Sanders, if he's running with you, just say, 'Look, a camera' and he'll turn his head for a split second. He's got great recovery speed, so make the most of the distraction."

"Cool, Uncle Jerry," replies Robinson. "We've got notebook on every NFL cheerleader, so maybe we can exchange someday."

"How about right now?" asks Rice. "I've had my eyes on some NFC West chicks for quite some time now."

Rice plays on Sunday, but, more importantly, gives Robinson and Jackson some good pointers on route running. Rice pretends to study the Seahawk play book, but secretly gazes at the cheerleader playbook.

The Cardinal defense keeps it close, but Shaun Alexander's fourth quarter touchdown seals a 23-10 Seattle victory.

Denver @ Cincinnati

Bengal wideout Chad Johnson must feel like a fool after sending four Cleveland Brown defensive backs bottles of Pepto Bismol, then getting shutdown by those same guys to the tune of three catches for 37 yards, plus several drops. I guess, Chad, you were implying that they would be nervous about covering you, and therefore suffer upset stomachs? Good one.

"The funny thing is," explains Browns' safety Robert Griffith, "we all had some hardcore chili on Saturday night. We were all rumbling Sunday morning, but, 'lo and behold, what do we have waiting on us Sunday but a bottle of Pepto for each of us. Thanks, Chad. I hope you enjoyed those Ex-Lax brownies we sent in return."

Check this out, Chad: If you think you had it hard last Sunday, wait until you get a load of Champ Bailey. He's what they call a shutdown corner, "they" being people who like using overused terms for cornerbacks who cover you like a blanket, to use another overused term. So Champ will be on you, and the other Denver defensive backs can cover your partner, T. J. Houshmandzadeh, because that's a lot of name to cover.

On defense, the Bengals can't stop anyone, so look for Reuben Droughns to go well over 100 yards for the third-straight game. Jake Plummer should have his way, as well. The Broncos send the Cincinnati crowd home early, and blow out the Bengals, 34-17.