Boston Red Sox fans know the difference between conspiracy theories and the supernatural.
They aren't Raiders fans still mumbling to this day about how the NFL let New England get away with murder in the Tuck Rule Bowl because it wanted a team named "the Patriots" playing in the first post-9/11 Super Bowl.
They aren't fans of some small-market Canadian hockey team, convinced the NHL will do anything it can to keep their boys out of the Stanley Cup Finals. (You know, the ones still trying to figure out how Calgary made it last season.)
Boston fans can't believe Major League Baseball is against their team. Last year, the Red Sox/Cubs World Series that nearly happened would have been bigger than Eminem and Michael Jackson in a Texas Death Match. It's just that both teams have such bad juju, even MLB couldn't fix it so they were both in the Series together.
There's no conspiracy; the Red Sox are just cursed. Hexed. Damned from beyond the grave. Supernaturally screwed. The Baseball Gods have spoken, and the Boys from Beantown have been collectively smote.
But if there were ever a twinge of conspiracy buffery in our Red Sox friends, now would be the time to revel in it. Major League Baseball began offering an officially sanctioned t-shirt to wholesalers and on its website over the weekend. The shirt featured a Yankees logo and a red pacifier with the Red Sox logo on it; the message emblazoned on the shirt, a reference to Pedro Martinez's famous comments about New York's mastery of him, read "Hey, Red Sox ... Who's Your Daddy?"
Evidently, Boston fans weren't too pleased with an officially licensed t-shirt that ridicules their team being sold by the same organization that pays the umpires and scorekeepers who work each Red Sox game. In fact, it might appear that Major League Baseball was almost -- gasp! -- throwing its support behind the New York Yankees in the American League Championship Series.
So Red Sox fans (or the Red Sox themselves) complained, and MLB acquiesced, pulling the t-shirts from stores and its website. "[Some Boston fans] didn't necessarily feel they were comfortable with the t-shirt and the message on it," said someone named Carmine Tiso, a spokesman for Major League Baseball. "Some fans felt it went a little too far, and obviously, in this instance, we're listening to our fans."
What.
A.
Load.
Of.
Crap.
First of all, let's state the obvious: Major League Baseball would not, never, no way, no how put out a t-shirt that disparages the Yankees in that infantile manner. They've seen what happens in the Yankee Stadium bleachers; Manhattan and MLB HQ ain't that far away from the Bronx and thousands of bat-wielding fans.
Now, let's check Mr. Tiso's statement again: "Obviously, in this instance, we're listening to our fans."
A poll on NBC's Dallas television affiliate showed that 61 percent of the nearly 10,000 fans surveyed thought baseball should continue to sell the shirts. In fact, the only thing offensive about the damn thing is MLB's own design:
Seriously, who spent an entire five minutes illustrating this bad boy? What a fugly piece of sports geek gear! The "extreme" WWF-style font. The Jersey shore, "Big Johnson's"-style illustration. The only people buying this are Yankees fans and guys who think the shirt will accentuate their mullets.
I mean, look at this:
This was on eBay Tuesday afternoon. One old shirt, and some vinyl letters left over from when he put his family's name on their mailbox last summer. This probably cost about $4 to throw together, and it looks better than the "official" gear. (Although with the wages they're paying at Malaysian sweatshops these days, MLB could probably bring it home for about 73 cents.)
The only reason fans should be upset is that this incredible rallying cry -- and tell me, friend or foe, that hearing 56,136 people chanting "Who's Your Dad-dee?!" wasn't a spine-tingling moment in postseason history -- wasn't given its proper respect in a piece of officially sanctioned gear.
Fans should not be upset with Major League Baseball for producing such a shirt. And Major League Baseball should not have bent over and taken one from the Red Sox for producing it.
Look, go to any sporting even involving rivals. Entering or leaving the stadium, you get approached by gaggles of merchants selling shirts and hats that are always in bad taste ... and often times are also infringing on the teams' copyrights. But that's the last thing on your mind when you're shelling out $15 bucks for a "Jeter Sucks, A-Rod Swallows" shirt in Yankee blue and gray.
Why shouldn't Major League Baseball be allowed to get in on this rivalry gear market? Start with the old "My Favorite Teams Are the Red Sox and Anyone Who's Playing the Yankees," bring back "Who's Your Daddy," add that one with the Cubs logo that actually says "Cursed," and push the envelope until it gets two notches below "sucks/swallows." Don't let the easily offended dictate what gear you sell; if you did that, then the Cleveland Indians would have had a new logo about 20 years ago.
Besides, it's not like you're not already selling the more salacious aspects of these rivalries. Say, for example, the fights that have taken place between the Red Sox and Yankees. The ALCS has been sold in part on that threat (promise?) of continued bad blood between these teams; so much to the point that manager Joe Torre felt compelled to speak out against it.
"I think it's disgraceful that we have licensing things going on in Major League Baseball that promote violence and things that should not be a part of this," he said.
FOX Sports' response?
Don't be such a pussy, Joe.
"Poor, poor Joe," FOX sports president Ed Goren said on Sporting News Radio, as relayed by Steve Zipay of Newsday. "These things happen and they get brought back and his concern, I am led to believe, is that we are inciting the fans. We didn't say anything on our pre-game show about the 'Who's Your Daddy?' but I certainly heard that [until Monday] MLB was selling t-shirts with that. Let's get in 2004 and get a reality check."
Indeed. And the reality is that Major League Baseball is comfortable showing violent, illegal (within the scope of the game) acts to sell its product.
So what's wrong with selling taunting, disparaging remarks, and just plain hatred along with that violence?
C'mon fans ... you know you love it.
Who's yer daddy?
Random Thoughts
High school cross-country runners in Virginia Beach, VA, were told this week that their recent disqualifications for wearing Lance Armstrong "LiveStrong" yellow wrist bracelets during a race were officially wiped clean from the record.
They will, however, still be prohibited from wearing the Darryl Strawberry "CokeSpoon" pendant during competition...
The Philadelphia Phillies plan on interviewing Grady Little for their vacant managerial position.
And the answer is yes: news that the Phillies consider Grady Little an upgrade should have doctors keeping Larry Bowa on a 24-hour suicide watch...
FOX News commentator Bill O'Reilly has been hit with a multi-million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit by a former producer on his show, "The O'Reilly Factor."
Although O'Reilly still maintains his program is a "No Spin Zone," the allegations may finally allow him to expand the "Factor" to a more inviting "Please Sit-and-Spin Zone"...
One of the most embarrassing revelations in the suit filed against the married O'Reilly is a sexual romp with "two Scandinavian beauties." If this tawdry tale tilts the case against him, it would be the second instance this year of a Scandinavian beauty costing a celebrity millions of dollars ... although it would be the first one not to involve someone with a Nike Golf endorsement contract...
The NBA is considering a plan in which all baskets would be worth two points, and the three-point line would only go into effect during the last five minutes of the game. This is expected to come as a shock to the Atlanta Hawks' Antoine Walker, who will now only have five minutes per game in which to attempt an ill-advised, rally-killing shot...
University of Florida football coach Ron Zook vowed to "take down" one of the school's fraternity houses whose members fought with two Gators players this year.
Although they're on double-secret probation, the men of Delta House vow to still kill Niedermayer's horse, crash the Gator Day parade with a giant cake float, and have sex with Dean Wormer's wife...
Moving into a new apartment over the last few weeks has confirmed for me what many have always suspected: that three out of every four customer-service representatives are clinically retarded. Dimmer than the lights at Tropicana Field in October. I always wondered what it would be like to converse with a piece of steamed asparagus; I now wonder no more.
But even more offensive than these headphone-wearing head cases is this new trend of voice-recognition automated answering systems.
Problem No. 1: They're painfully impersonal and annoying.
Problem No. 2: I have no patience for voice-recognition automated answering systems that can't differentiate between the words "YES" and "NO." If the answer is "YES," and I say "YES," you damn well better recognize. Or else the conversation -- such as it is --devolves into this:
"Is this your correct home address?"
"Bite me."
"I'm sorry. I don't think I heard you. Is this your correct home address?"
"I just pooped in a large manila envelope and I'm mailing it to your mom ... "
"I'm sorry. I don't think I heard you..."
Finally, opening night in the locked-out NHL came and went without any games played.
Or as the Washington Capitals called it, "a moral victory"...
Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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