NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 6

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Carolina @ Philadelphia

This one is being billed as the "Queen City" versus the "City Of Brotherly Love," a moniker that sends shivers down the spine of noted homophobe Terrell Owens.

"What did you just call me, man?" an irritated Owens asks. "A homophobe? What's that? Sounds like something that a can of Lysol could take care of. But anyway, queens? Brotherly love? I want no part of that. I think I might sit this one out. Is this some kind of prank perpetrated by Jeff Garcia?"

"Look, T.O.," Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb responds, "I love throwing you the ball. But you've got to chill out on all this gay-bashing. It's a distraction to our team, as is seeing you in pre-game warm-ups in your full body, black leotards. Talk about gay. I mean, come on, do you have a fanny pack somewhere? Do you wear hot pants? Come to think of it, Terrell, do you have a girlfriend?"

With his manhood sufficiently challenged, T.O. changes his mind and decides to play, much to the glee of Philly fans everywhere, who want to see last year's NFC Championship loss to the Panthers avenged.

"Oh, revenge shouldn't be a problem," notes Panther head coach John Fox. "I mean, come on, who's going to stop them? Not my defense. Our defense is doing more downfield running that the opposing team's offense. We've got defensive lineman making tackles 10 yards downfield. It sickens me."

Once again, as has become the norm, the Carolina defense can't stop the bleeding. McNabb throws, Owens catches, and Bryan Westbrook runs.

"And it's like there's no one out there to stop us," Westbrook notices.

Eagles win, 30-13.

Green Bay @ Detroit

The surging Lions have won two straight road games this year after losing 24 consecutive road games over the course of the previous three seasons.

"Twenty-four?" queries Detroit head coach Steve Mariucci. "Damn, that's pathetic. Who was coaching this team when all this transpired?"

Steve, I think it was some clown named Marty Morningweg.

"Oh, I remember now," Mariucci recalls. "He had that jerk Matt Millen breathing down his neck and making derogatory comments about his players. What an asshole!"

Steve, I believe Millen is still president of the Lions, so technically, that makes him your boss. He also happens to be standing right beside you.

"Yeah, I know. But he knows to keep his mouth shut around me. Have you noticed that we are 3-1?"

"Yes, coach, I have noticed. And let me be the first to congratulate you," Millen says eagerly.

"Millen," Mariucci answers curtly, "for the last time, go put on your Raiders #55 jersey and take your buck-toothed, goofy self to the little cage I've built for you in the catwalk high above Ford Field. In case you didn't know, I run this show, and I've been the subject of a trilogy of Mexican westerns made by esteemed Hispanic filmmaker Robert Rodriguez. Maybe El Mariucci rings a bell. How about Desperado? Once Upon a Time in Mexico?"

"Sorry Coach, I don't get out much."

Millen then takes the elevator to the catwalk, where he bumps into Packer quarterback Brett Favre, who parachutes to the field below, where he leads the Packers to a 27-21 upset win.

Kansas City @ Jacksonville

People who were so quick to jump off the Chief bandwagon after their 0-3 start are quickly leaping back on board after Kansas City beat the Ravens two weeks ago.

"I'd like to congratulate the Chiefs on their huge win at Baltimore two weeks ago," says Jacksonville head coach and connoisseur of coolness, Jack Del Rio, "but I'm not about to jump on any one else's wagon when I can't decide if I want to stay on my team's wagon. After two-straight losses, I was feeling a little froggy, and I hear Van Halen's Jump in the background, but I think I'll stay on the Jaguar wagon for now. As for the Chiefs, I guess they decided to take their diapers off against the Ravens. Well, you know what? They better put them back on, because we're going to beat the crap out of them."

"That's an interesting name, Jack Del Rio," notes Chief coach Dick Vermeil. "He's got the same middle name as the Carolina quarterback, Jake Del Homme. But besides his name, what else does Jack Del Rio have going for him? Has he ever won a Super Bowl? No. Has he ever made the playoffs? No. And after my Chiefs roll over you, you'll be singing 'Ooh ooh ooh ooh, Jackie Blue.' Thing about it, Jack Del Rio. Your Jags are turning into my Chiefs. Your defense has been giving up lots of points to good offenses, and your offense has been scoring, but not enough. There's only one thing left for you to do, and that's cry."

Sorry, Dick, the only time Jack Del Rio cried was when Jack Del Rio took some pepper spray in the face on a dare from former teammate Mike Tice when both were with Minnesota.

But Jack Del Rio will feel like crying after his Jags lose their third-straight. Priest Holmes rushes for 120 yards and a touchdown as the Chiefs outscore the Jaguars, 30-26.

San Diego @ Atlanta

The Hoggs of Hazzard County, Georgia host Falcons Michael Vick and Warrick Dunn to celebrate Atlanta's 4-1 start.

"J.D. and myself have always been huge Falcon's fans," reports Hazzard's first lady Lu Lu Hogg. "We've even called off our feud with the Dukes and invited them to the celebration. We're gonna give Michael and Warrick keys to the city."

Things go as planned until Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane and Deputy Enos Strait stop Vick and Dunn just across the Hazzard line and accuse them of running moonshine and general mischief.

"Man, this is racial profiling!" complains Vick.

Well, after a little narration by Waylon Jennings, some heroics by the Duke Boys, a 70-foot jump over a creek by the General Lee, and some good old down South "hospitality" from Daisy Duke, Vick and Dunn finally make it to the Hoggs for barbecue and coleslaw.

In San Diego, the Chargers offense is clicking. LaDainian Tomlinson is so money, always good for 100 yards and a touchdown, and Drew Brees is making all the right passes. Tight end Antonio Gates didn't even play football in college, and is already establishing himself as one of the top tight ends in the NFL. With 31 catches and three touchdown receptions, Gates leads all tight ends in those categories.

"Damn, it makes me wonder if I shouldn't have just stuck with my college game, basketball," Gates explains. "Five games into the season, I'm already the best tight end in the game, and I'd never touched the pigskin before training camp, at least in a football sense. Oink, oink. If I would have gone to the NBA, I would be the best power forward in the game after about 10 games. You hear me, Kevin Garnett?"

I'm sure if Garnett could hear you, Antonio, his response would be "Who the hell is Antonio Gates?"

But who cares about what an NBA player says? Chances are, it was said in the courtroom or in a deposition.

Back to the game. Vick and Dunn, energized by their visit to Hazzard, lead the Falcons to a 24-20 win. The Atlanta defense slows the Charger offense, forcing Brees into two interceptions.

San Francisco @ New York Jets

With his 77 yards against the Bills last week, Jets' running back Curtis Martin passed former Steeler great Franco Harris for ninth place on the all-time NFL rushing list.

"Now, I know Franco had a little Italian blood in him," Martin explains, "but I meant no disrespect to Italians nor to Steelers fans by passing him. So, as a show of respect, I'll place this sticker of a slice of pizza on my helmet, and I will proudly display a 'Honk If You're Italian' bumper sticker on my Lexus, which I bought from a guy named Vito."

San Francisco's Tim Rattay set a record of his own last week against Arizona. His 417-yard passing day set a 49ers record with 38 completions.

"That puts me ahead of Joe Montana and Steve Young, as well as Steve DeBerg," boasts Rattay. "I know I can't put myself in the same league with them, but if you take away the five Super Bowls, the 10 or so Pro Bowls, the incredible completion percentages, the leadership, and the respect from their teammates, then I'm right up there with Montana and Young. Taking all that into account, though, I guess I'm a few rungs below DeBerg."

That's right, Tim. You're nothing. Thirty-eight completions is nice, but it took you 57 attempts. If Montana or Young ever needed to throw 57 times, they probably would have completed 49 to 51 of those passes.

I hope your arm is up to it, Sunday, Tim. After the Jets take a 14-0 lead early in the second quarter, you'll need to throw to catch up. But it won't be enough. The San Fran defense took a hit last Sunday with the loss of Julian Peterson to a torn Achilles tendon. That's means more hits taken for the rest of the defense. Curtis Martin breaks the 100-yard barrier again, and is embraced by Italians everywhere, who are desperate for an NFL hero. Jets win, 27-13.

Denver @ Oakland

I guess it's true what they say about just "plugging in" a running back into the Denver offense and that running back succeeding. Take the latest Bronco plug-in, Reuben Droughns, who ground up the Carolina defense last week for 193 yards on 30 carries.

"Hey pal," Droughns complains, "I don't appreciate being compared to an air-freshening product, the Glade Plug-In, although that could lead to some nice endorsement action courtesy of the good people at SC Johnson & Company. So, on second thought, just call me 'Plug-In.' Thanks."

Now, in Oakland, despite being 2-3, the people at Raider Nation are patting themselves on the back. Why, you may ask? Here's why: they're glad they canned Bill Callahan last year. Callahan, pink slip in hand, was hired by those fools at the University of Nebraska, who, last week, got blasted 70-10 by Texas Tech.

"Yes," explains persnickety curmudgeon Al Davis, "we are much more comfortable getting waxed 35-14 by the Colts with Norv Turner at the helm than we would be with Dirty Bill Callahan calling the shots. Also, our quarterback, Kerry Collins, must still think he's in Giant blue, because it sure looked like he was intentionally throwing to Colt blue last Sunday. I wonder if he's on the sauce again? Now, excuse me, I am scheduled to be embalmed."

Collins plays well until midway through the second quarter, then he realizes that his best receiver, Ronald Curry, played quarterback, as well as point guard, in college at North Carolina. Collins begins to worry about the safety of his job.

"Ronald must be one heck of a leader," Collins says to himself. "I bet he wishes he was in my position so he could dish the rock. I'll show him."

Collins selfishly stops throwing to Curry, then starts throwing to the Broncos, who don't seem to mind playing in a place called "The Black Hole."

Droughns racks up 100 yards again, and Jake Plummer hits Ashley Lelie for a long score. Broncos win 26-14, and tighten their grip on the AFC West lead.

Minnesota @ New Orleans

"Every week," Viking head coach Mike Tice points out, "I get together with Randy Moss and I just let him vent his frustration. I call it 'fortified whine.' But, you know, take away all the 'dogs,' 'bitches,' 'players,' and all the ghetto and country slang, and Randy's got quite a bit to say. Before the Houston game last week, Randy told me, 'Look, bitch, players gotta play. Haters gotta hate. We need to get lofty with the leather, put some air under the hoochie ball, let Daunte sling it.' I think what he meant was 'Throw the long ball.' So that's what we did. I hope Randy's happy."

"You damn skippizzle I'm happizzle," Moss agrees. "I caught me a 50-yard bomb from Daunte for the score. Those one and two yard TD catches just don't do it for me. I don't want to be the Jerome Bettis of the receiving world. I need yardage, baby."

Well, if it's yardage ye want, it's yardage ye will get.

"Hey brotha," Moss warns, "you best be not talking junk to me. What's this 'ye' mean? Are you punking me?"

Oh no, Randy. 'Ye' is Olde English speak for 'you.'

"Shoot, dog, that's all you had to say. Randy speaks malt liquor. And speaking of 40, I think one of my two touchdowns on Sunday will be a 40-yard score. The other one: I haven't decided if I want the five-yard fade to the end zone corner, or the fake-the-fade crossing pattern. I'll let Daunte decide. It ain't like the Saints can do anything about it. Their defense has got more holes than a slice of swiss cheese that just got blasted with bird shot."

That's pretty holey, and speaking of holy, the Saints play like Hell, and burn after the Vikes take a 38-24 victory.

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

Has Chad Johnson found religion? Johnson has recently taken to wearing a rainbow-colored afro wig and popping up at various sporting events with signs that read "Johnson 3:16." You may have seen him last Wednesday night behind home plate at Yankee Stadium for game two of the ALCS between Boston and New York.

"I'm not sure what's gotten into Chad," Bengals head coach and former defensive genius Marvin Lewis explains, "but he's always been a free spirit, which is a nice way of saying he's a buffoon. But if Chad wants to do some good, he should make a sign that says 'Carson 3:7', which refers to our quarterback, Carson Palmer, and his touchdown to interception ratio."

"I'll handle that, Coach," offers Jon Kitna, current Bengal backup QB. "And soon to be starter, man. The Carson Palmer Project ends after this week, much like the Alan Parsons Project ended in my record collection after I destroyed the Eye in the Sky LP in a fit of rage after I heard that Carson would be the starter for our opener."

So Kitna dons the rainbow wig, and sets out with poster in hand that reads "Carson 3:7." The sign gets good air time as Kitna visits a monster truck jam at the L.A. Coliseum, a Professional Bowlers Association event in Topeka, Kansas, and a European PGA Tour contest in Wales, where Kitna heckles Colin Montgomerie into an 84 (+12).

Kitna gets his shot in the third quarter as Palmer is yanked by Lewis with the Bengals down 24-13. Kitna hits Chad Johnson for a score late in the fourth, but the Browns hold on for a 24-20 win. Rockin' Rollen Stewart, Jr. appears in the Dawg Pound, holding the "John 3:16" sign his father made famous.

Houston @ Tennessee

"With Peyton Manning on a bye week," Tennessee quarterback Steve McNair opines, "I can naturally assume the role of greatest active quarterback in the AFC South."

"Ah, Steve," replies Manning from his prime tail-gating spot in Oxford, Mississippi for the Ole Miss/Tennessee game on Saturday, "I know of at least three people who have a problem with your statement: David Carr, Byron Leftwich, and myself. Now, if I were to make those rankings, they would be as follows: 1) Me, 2) my backup, whose name fails me, 3) our third-string quarterback, whom I'm not even sure dresses on Sundays, 4) our taxi squad quarterback, 5) Bert Jones, 6) McNair, 7) David Carr, 8) Byron Leftwich."

"Shoot, Peyton," replies McNair, "if you've got me one notch behind Bert Jones, that's all right by me. But you better have me ranked higher on the toughness scale. After all, I did just lead my team to a 48-27 whipping of the Packers, despite a bruised sternum that would be death for most people. You know, I can remember my first bruised sternum. I was 13 and picking tobacco in my grandpa's field in Mississippi. Somehow, that old geezer lost the clutch and backed that tractor right over my chest. Boy, did it hurt, but I toughed it out and didn't miss any work, school, or football. I got the old man back, though. Put some pepper in his chewing tobacco. Talk about red, man. He was hot. Ha! Good times."

Speaking of Good Times, Michael and Wynona from the cast of the CBS sitcom ... just kidding, they're not there. But McNair plays dynamite, and the Titans defense contains the David Carr to Andre Johnson connection, or at least enough to win. Tennessee wins, 31-25.

Miami @ Buffalo

In this AFC East showdown between winless teams, it would only be fitting if this game ended in a 0-0 tie. Fitting, yes, but it would be just plain cool if one team won 144-0. That way, the demise of the coach on the losing end would be hastened by such an embarrassing loss.

"Look man," whines Miami coach Dave Wannstedt, "you've been on my case all year. Sure, we may be 0-5, but we're only 0-2 in the division, and, get this, we're 0-0-0 versus the NFC. That's the next best thing to perfect. So, bring it on, NFC!"

"You know," comments Buffalo head coach Mike Mularkey, "I can relate to what Dave's feeling. But that pathetic loser is 0-5. We're just 0-4. His job is in dire straits. My job is secure here in Buffalo. In fact, the Bills' administration has added to my duties. I used to be just head coach; now, I am interim head coach."

"Mularkey is full of what his name suggests -- crap," Wannstedt counters. "What's his problem? If he had half the problems I do, he would have dove off of Niagara Falls by now. It just gets worse for me. For goodness' sake, I had to play a guy named Brock Forsey at running back last Sunday. For those of you who don't know and can't tell by his name, he's white. Now when's the last time a white running back had an impact on a game, much less played?"

Ah, that guy in Varsity Blues?

"My point exactly," Wannstedt continues. "We've tried everything at running back. Black dudes, white dudes, water boys. Why, we even put a sign out front of the stadium that said 'Walk-ins Welcome.' That led to a few workouts, but no luck as far as running backs go. I did give a few nice haircuts, though. The bottom line is we need Ricky Williams between the hash marks."

"Did someone say 'hash'?" Williams replies between sips of his drug-masking potion. "As soon as the NFL gives me the word, I'm back in the game."

Sorry, Ricky, it will be a while before you're back in the game. Maybe the Betty Ford Clinic has a football squad. That might be your best bet.

This game doesn't end in a 0-0 tie, but it's close. Buffalo running back Travis Henry breaks off a late 15-yard TD run for the winning points. Bills win, 13-8.

Seattle @ New England

"I may discount this winning streak deal that we've got going," notes Patriot coach Bill Bellichick in his signature monotone, "but I'm really getting into it. Winning's not even the fun part; it's finding a theme song for each win. Three weeks ago, when we were nearing our 17-consecutive win, I started playing Winger's Seventeen. Two weeks ago, it was Skid Row's 18 & Life. Last week, Steely Dan checked in with Hey 19. I haven't found a suitable song with '20' in the title, but I've pegged Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover as the theme for No. 50 of our streak."

Seattle may pose the strongest threat to New England's streak, and this game may be a harbinger of the Super Bowl to come. The Rams may have knocked some of the luster off of the Seattle defense last week, but the fact is, the Seahawks are solid all around. But the Patriots have more than just a winning streak riding on this. They hold the hopes of all Boston Red Sox fans on their shoulders. Corey Dillon, explain it to them.

"Man, I don't know anything about baseball," Dillon replies. "Tom, you tell 'em."

"Gladly, Corey," says Tom Brady. "Fans, we all know the Red Sox will collapse against the Yankees. Sure, Pedro Martinez might take down The Thing, Don Zimmer, and think he's a badass for doing it, but let's face it, my little sister could whip Zimmer. The fact of the matter is, the Patriots were put on this great Earth to pick up the spirits of Red Sox fans when their disappointment reaches its highest point, which happens to be now, playoff time. So, we will win this game for all Red Sox fans, except Ben Affleck. I hate that bastard."

Bellichick's master plan is too air it out against the Seahawks, as doubts about their pass defense begin to creep into the minds of Seattle defenders, with the St. Louis late game air raid still on their minds. Brady connects with David Givens on a 60-yard TD bomb to seal the deal, and 20 in a row. Patriots, 27-21.

Washington @ Chicago

On Friday afternoon, Washington head coach Joe Gibbs arrives at Chicago's O'Hare Airport, hails a cab, and confusedly mumbles to a cabbie, "Take me to Chicagoland Speedway! And step on it! But watch your pit lane speed!"

After his cab is intercepted by offensive line coach Joe Bugel, Gibbs is directed to Soldier Field, where he breaks down, overcome by unreachable high expectations and failures he's experienced after only five games.

"Son of a gun," Gibbs exclaims, "it's only been five games? Seems like 55. Who talked me into returning to coaching, anyway? Damn you, Daniel Snyder, and damn you, million-dollar contract. Wait a minute. Damn you, Daniel Snyder. In any case, I can't quit now. We've got the Bears in Chicago. This is a payback game. My most humiliating defeat ever was losing to the Bears 73-0 in the 1940 NFL Championship Game. I'll never forgive that old man Papa Bear Halas for running up the score on..."

After Bugel interrupts Gibbs and informs him that in 1940, Gibbs was maybe a month old, Gibbs regains his composure and makes an announcement.

"In light of the embarrassing situations this season of football has left me with, I would like to announce that I am firing my entire coaching staff and replacing them with NASCAR legends Richard Petty, Cale Yarborough, Buddy Baker, Ned Jarrett, Benny Parsons, Bobby Allison, Junior Johnson, Dick Trickle, and Sterling Marlin. Petty will take over quarterback coaching duties..."

After Bugel interrupts again, a glassy-eyed Gibbs is lead away in a straightjacket, but does manage to call plays in from the local asylum.

"We need to run Riggins, I mean Portis, at least 30 times," Gibbs instructs via phone.

Portis finally breaks another long touchdown run, scoring on a 35-yarder.

"Whew! I'm winded," Portis huffs. "That's the first over-five-yard carry I've had since that 64-yard TD against the Bucs, and that was the first game of the year. Damn! I should've stayed with the Broncos."

Too late now, sucker. I'm sure you and your wallet collectively can overcome the doubts you are having.

Anyway, the 'Skins defense keep Thomas Jones in check, and Bear QB Jonathan Quinn keeps himself in check.

Washington wins, 22-14.

Pittsburgh @ Dallas

"Since only one Dallas team could get the job done when it came to the Steelers," a gruff Bill Parcells yells to his troops, "I'm bringing in a player from the '96 Cowboy Super Bowl Champions. This man knew his way around the red zone, as well as the red light district. He always had a nose for the end zone, probably because it was usually marked by a white, powdery substance. He was also quite handy lying under oath, so don't believe a word he says. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Michael Irvin."

ESPN's Michael Irvin enters the Cowboy locker room to raucous applause. Irvin then entertains with a rambling, senseless 30-minute speech is which he utters the phrase "He got jacked up!" 184 times.

"That's about 180 more times than I have to listen to those words from my desk on ESPN Primetime Live," sighs Ron Jaworski. "I swear Michael's got Tom Jackson and Chris Berman doing coke, otherwise they wouldn't be saying 'He got jacked up!' along with Michael. Can any of you people in TV land even understand what Michael's saying half the time?"

No, Jaws, we can't. Sometimes I put the tele on mute and try to read the closed captioning. It always looks to me like lyrics from N.W.A.'s Straight Outta Compton album.

Back in Pittsburgh, Bill Cowher tries to invoke to spirit of legendary Pittsburgh coach Chuck Knoll in a locker room séance. Cowher and his friends around the Ouija board have the daylights scared out of them when Noll taps Cowher on the shoulder and says "You wanted to see me."

"Coach, you're not dead?" a shaken Cowher asks.

"No, Bill," replies Noll, "I figured I would hang until the Steelers won a Super Bowl without me. So, I guess I might as well be dead."

Cowher storms from the room, but uses Noll's words as motivation to lead the Steelers to a 24-20 win over the Cowboys. Duce Staley scores a TD and Big Ben Roethlisberger holds it all together as the Cowboys' defense gives him every look in the book.

Tampa Bay @ St. Louis

St. Louis head coach Mike Martz will take all the credit for the Rams miraculous come-from-behind win at Seattle last Sunday.

"And why shouldn't I?" the Grand Wizard boasts. "I engineered our comeback, just as I engineered us to a 27-10 deficit in that game. I should get all the credit, as well as high marks for that little jig I did when we won the game."

"Look, you guys," notes Tampa's Jon Gruden, "give Martz some credit. I mean, he's still an idiot. He's just a little less of an idiot now. Dang, what I wouldn't give for a team that could score 33 points? That's two or three games worth of points for us now, and with Brian Griese at the wheel, we'll be lucky to see the end zone. Where oh where is Shaun King when I need him?"

Well, Chuckie, he's with the Cardinals now. I'm sure they would be happy to give him up, if the price is right, like a 15th-round pick.

"No thanks. I'll take my chances with Griese."

And that's basically the deal when you start Griese: it's chancy. There's a big chance you'll lose and just a tiny chance you'll win. Against the Rams in St. Louis, odds tilt even more to the losing side. Marc Bulger and company are hot off the Seattle win and ready for more. Bulger has an army of receivers to throw to, and it's time for Martz to abandon the run for another week.

Rams take an early lead; Griese panics. Rams win, 27-13.