Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh
Jerome Bettis has done it again. Three weeks after his five-carry, one-yard, three-touchdown opener versus Oakland, the Bus showed us all that it was no fluke, rushing for nine yards on six carries and two touchdowns. And once again, Duce Staley has nothing to show for his 25-carry, 123-yard day.
"Man, it's like I got blue balls out there," a frustrated Staley cries. "I bump and grind from goal line to goal line, darting in and out of holes, and then, just when I think I'm gonna score, coach pulls me out and Jerome gets the money shot. It's wrong, I tell you."
"If Duce doesn't like the setup here," admonishes Steeler coach Bill Cowher, "then he can just get in his Cadillac Escalade, take the interstate, and go back to Philly and ride the pine."
"Then that's what I'll do," the ex-Eagle cries.
Staley gasses up the Caddy, turns on his radio to WFAN, and heads to the City of Brotherly Love. But upon arrival, he finds no love, as Eagle coach Andy Reid informs Staley that Philly has a bye week and he won't be needed.
"Try again next week, Duce," Reid counsels. "And instead of driving all the way up here, why don't you call our job hotline, 1-877-NO-DICE? Okay?"
Staley swallows his pride, and come Sunday, does his job, taking the pill inches from the goal line, only to be yanked so Bettis can fall in to the end zone for another undeserved score. Staley does find satisfaction in the game statistics, where he sees his name first on the list in the yards per rush category. Bettis checks in at No. 10 with a .0773 yard per rush average.
Steelers win, 27-12.
Detroit @ Atlanta
Detroit's bye week was filled with talk of the Tony Siragusa/Joey Harrington feud. In case you haven't heard, or just don't care, the fat FOX network sideline reporter called Harrington a "champagne and caviar" guy and not a "meat and potatoes" guy.
"Look, if Tony wants to question my manhood, that's fine," the Lion quarterback says. "I question it myself sometimes. But I'll say this: I've got a washboard set of abs. He's 300 pounds of lard, with a belly that would make Santa Claus consider dieting. At least I can see my manhood. Now, Jeeves, more caviar and champagne, and run me a hot bubble bath, will you? I need to shave my legs. Tidy up."
But seriously, the real reason for Siragusa's attitude is his resentment towards Harrington's success as a concert pianist. As a youth, Siragusa dreamed of playing the piano, but his short, stubby fingers prevented it. Truth be told, Siragusa never could master "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and complained that saying the word "pianist" made him feel less than manly.
On Sunday, Harrington is motivated to put the war of words behind him, and responds by throwing three TD passes: one to wide receiver Roy Williams, one to Dallas Cowboy safety Roy Williams, and one to University of North Carolina basketball head coach Roy Williams. Unfortunately, two of those are negated by "ineligible receiver downfield" penalties, allowing Michael Vick and the Falcons to comeback and retain their undefeated status. Warrick Dunn rushes for 110 yards and a touchdown, then taunts the Lions by saying "Stick a fork in them. They're Dunn." Atlanta wins, 30-13.
Miami @ New England
Couldn't the NFL have scheduled this game in Miami? That way, those feeble, remaining members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins could make an appearance and try to intimidate the Patriots into losing, much like they did with the 1985 Bears. But it probably wouldn't matter anyway. The Patriots are beyond intimidation, and even if the 1972 Dolphins had any intimidation value, it would go for naught, because this Dolphins team is quarterbacked by Jay "On the Roof, Coach [Dave] Wannstedt Would Like You to Jump to Your Death" Fiedler. The 1985 Dolphins were helmed by Dan Marino, who is twice the man Fiedler is, and about 2000 times the quarterback.
Anyway, the current Dolphins have a respectable defense, so New England will have to be sharp on offense. And they will be of course, which will translate into a late first quarter touchdown for Corey Dillon. 7-0, Patriots.
"Okay, that should be enough, men," New England coach Bill Belichick informs his team. "But we need to hang around for these final three quarters as a show of respect to Coach Wannstedt and the Dolphins, even though we respect neither. Now let's get out there and score enough points to win handily, but not so many points as to make it look like we're running up the score. Charge!"
The Patriots play like gentlemen, only forcing Fiedler into three turnovers, and holding the 'Fins offense to two measly Olindo Mare field goals. Tom Brady passes for two TDs, and the Pats remain undefeated with a 24-6 win.
In his meeting with the NFL, retired Dolphin running back Ricky Williams shows up in a burlap poncho, straw hat, and wooden sandals and asks Commissioner Paul Tagliabue "when can I make my comeback, get injured, and collect my salary?"
Minnesota @ Houston
"Man, that NFL drug policy is whack," complains Randy Moss. "Otherwise, I'd be serving a 14-year suspension for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy. But I'm not, so, in celebration, I think I'll fire one up. Onterrio [Smith], where's that damn lighter?!"
"I'm sorry, Randy," retorts the suspended Viking running back, "but under the stipulations of the NFL Drug Policy, Chapter 4, section 20, it is mandated that I, the stated drug offender, engage in no drug activity nor in any behavior that could be deemed as related or pursuant to drug activity. Under these guidelines, I respectfully decline your offer."
"Dog, you are talking funny," a puzzled Moss replies. "Are you high?"
No, Randy, O-Dog is straight as an arrow, for now.
Now, in Houston, things are a little less hectic. While news in Minnesota is drug suspensions and increasing surgeries on running back Michael Bennett's knees, news in Houston is David Carr getting a haircut. Carr vowed not to shear his locks until the Texans won two-straight. Well, the Texans did it, recording consecutive wins at the expense of the Chiefs and Raiders, and a city celebrated with a haircut. Carr's latest declaration: if the Texans win the Super Bowl, he will have his scalp peeled back and have his skull engraved with the final score, available on pay-per-view, of course.
Okay, it's game time. Points will be scored and smack will be talked. Minnesota gets the edge, because Daunte Culpepper and Moss trump Carr and Andre Johnson easily. And, it doesn't help the Texans any when the booming voice of Minnesota head coach Mike Tice sends Texan coach Dom Capers quivering with fear back to the locker room, where he hides under his desk until the Vikings are out of town. Minnesota wins, 33-25.
NY Giants @ Dallas
Bill Parcells unveiled quite a revelation last week when he reported that some of his players tried to hit him.
"Yeah, Terry Glenn slapped me flush on the cheek," Parcells explains. "But I shook it off and whipped her ass. Keyshawn Johnson tried to go toe to toe with the Tuna, but I stopped him with a TKO in the first. Vinny [Testaverde] was there; he saw it."
"Yep, I was there ringside," reports Vinny Testaverde. "Keyshawn learned the hard way that you can't work the body on the Michelin Man."
"I've even had a few hit on me," says Parcells. "I can't tell you the number of times I've had to rebuke the advances of Phil Simms. Lawrence Taylor tried oh so hard to seduce me with flowers, and I tried equally as hard to drop hints that chocolate is the route to my heart, via my stomach. He never caught on. I guess his broken heart is what drove him to drugs, and, as you can see, drove me to food. And Phil McConkey? I don't even want to go there. Total pervert."
"I've never had a player even try to strike me," adds Giants coach Tom Coughlin. "I'm respected much to greatly for that. But all death threats and cut brake lines aside, I think it's healthy in a player-coach relationship for there to be a little hatred. I use hate as a motivational tool; the more my players hate me, the better they perform. And, since we are 3-1, it's obvious the hate me. Ain't life grand?"
Regardless of their methods, both coaches know how to squeeze performance out of their players. Whether it's done with drill-like precision and repetition, like Coughlin, or with incessant belittling and criticism, like Parcells, they know how to get results. Just look at their quarterbacks. Kurt Warner has resurfaced as a legitimate threat for the Giants, while Vinnie Testaverde can still get the job done at age 40, at least on the football field.
And Vinny will get the job done on Sunday. Testaverde throws two touchdown passes, and the Cowboy defense, especially safety Roy Williams and cornerback Terrence Newman, remind Warner how bad he can be. Dallas rolls, 20-7.
Oakland @ Indianapolis
Last week, Peyton Manning picked apart a very good Jacksonville defense, while Raider Kerry Collins had all manner of difficulties with an average at best Texans defense. What does that tell us?
"It tells you that I am the best quarterback in the game," Manning quips. "It also tells you that if you somehow genetically removed the quarterbacking ability for the little toe on my left foot, you would have more quarterbacking ability than that in Kerry Collins' entire body, and it would not wreak of alcohol."
Okay Peyton, let's not go that far. We'll take your word for it.
"That's good," says Manning, "because that little left toe and its counterparts on both my feet are due for a pre-game pedicure from Coach Dungy. He's a great coach, and quite handy with an emery board."
After his pedicure, Manning laces up his high-tops and proceeds to baffle the Raider defense with swing passes to Edgerrin James, medium-range crossing patters to Marvin Harrison, and bombs to Brandon Stokely.
"As you know," Manning audible-izes, "chicks dig the long ball."
Yeah I know, Peyton. But do chicks dig you?
"Well," chortles Manning, "they dig a certain hanging appendage that I possess."
Yeah, it's called your right arm.
"Don't think I won't whip it out against the Raiders," Manning warns.
Manning unleashes the beast, his right arm, and throws three touchdown passes. Kerry Collins watches in awe, but is soothed when he tells himself "there's no way Manning could beat me in a game of quarter toss."
Colts win, 34-20.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
Saint's coach Jim Haslett has his crew right where he wants them at this time of year.
"Well," Haslett sighs, "if that means having no clue which Saints team will show up, the 'good' one or the 'evil' one, then yeah, we're right where we need to be."
One Saint in particular who seems to be afflicted with split personality disorder is quarterback Aaron Brooks. When he takes his medication, Brooks is good for three touchdowns and 250 yards passing. Off of medication, count on two interceptions and 185 yards.
"People always talk of 'chemistry' between a quarterback and receiver," Saints wide out Joe Horn explains. "Like it's some kind of mental bond or connection. I've always taken it to mean chemistry as in 'chemicals'. That's what I try to get Aaron to understand: he needs to get his chemistry straight with mine, then maybe we can connect, preferably in the end zone. In the mean time, I've connected him to my doctors, Feelgood and Jeckyl, for the hookup."
Thanks, Joe. Now go stash a cell phone in the goal post, you're number may be called Sunday.
The Bucs, on the other hand, are remarkably consistent. Week in and week out, they score 13 points and lose by a field goal.
"And that consistently makes me irate," grumbles Tampa coach Jon Gruden. "Luckily, I'm blessed with a condition in which my skin does not age, therefore I can maintain the look of a 29-year-old while my insides boil with stress and rage."
You lucky man. Kiss that Super Bowl ring and lead your charges to their first win, or fifth loss as it is. John Carney kicks a late field goal to lead the Saints to a 23-20 win.
Buffalo @ N.Y. Jets
Jets head coach Herman Edwards is the epitome of a players' coach.
"I'm just a small-time boy from West Virginia," says Jet QB Chad Pennington, "and I don't know what epitome means, but I'll tell you this: I would bake a cake and walk a mile for Coach [Herm] Edwards."
"Ah, thanks Chad," replies Edwards. "That's very flattering yet a little disturbing, so I'm gonna keep my distance from you for right now. But, speaking of cake and walks, our upcoming game against the Bills should be a 'cakewalk'. No offense to Drew Bledsoe, but the bell at the New York Sack Exchange will be ringing Sunday. Speaking of 'no offense' and 'Drew Bledsoe,' that pretty much sums up the Bills right there. And speaking of 'sum' and 'bills,' I'm rich, bitch!"
Pardon Herm, folks. He's just a little pumped up at the Jets 3-0 start and probably looking ahead two weeks when the Jets go to New England for a battle of likely unbeatens. But that's just human nature. Edwards knows he can look ahead, but he can't let his players do the same. And he doesn't. The Jets defense comes out smoking, immediately disrupting the rhythm of Bledsoe, who, by the way, has no rhythm. The Buffalo defense is pretty good themselves. That comes from lots of practice in game situations, because they are on the field about 40 minutes a game. This game boils down to field position, field goals, and one big play. That big play is a 55-yard bomb from Pennington to Santana Moss that seals a 19-12 Jets win.
Jacksonville @ San Diego
Have you seen Jacksonville defensive tackle John Henderson's pre-game ritual of letting a pencil-necked Jaguar errand boy slap him in the face before games?
"Hey, dude, that's no pre-game ritual," says pencil-necked Jaguar errand boy Francis Steinberg. "That little bitch John Henderson had the nerve to say I taped his ankle too tight. So I slapped him. And you saw him walk right out of there, didn't you?"
"That little Francis is a spark plug, isn't he," chuckles Jaguar head coach and arguably the coolest man in the NFL Jack Del Rio. "It's quite amusing to see a 120-pound weakling lay an open-handed bitch slap on a 300-pound nose tackle, and not get murdered for doing it. That reminds me of a joke: what did the five fingers say to the face? You give up? Smack!"
Funny, Jack. I see you're a fan of Dave Chappelle, which should give you a little ghetto credibility with your players.
The Jaguars have no easy task facing the Chargers in San Diego. LaDainian Tomlinson and crew are 2-2, despite being coached by Marty Schottenheimer. L.T. may find running inside tough against the Jacksonville defense, but once he gets outside, he's got breakaway speed. Charger QB Drew Brees will never outrun anyone, but has been making the right throws this year, many to emerging tight end force Antonio Gates. I would present you with further analysis, but I don't know any other players.
Anyway, L.T. shows the Jags that it doesn't matter who you are, he's going to get his 100 yards and a touchdown. Brees throws a touchdown to Gates, and the Chargers hang tough in the AFC West with a 21-18 win.
Arizona @ San Francisco
Emmitt Smith placed himself in the NFL record books once again, this time by tying Walter Payton's record of 77 100-yard rushing games.
"Yeah, and it's about time I got my own chapter in that book," cries Smith. "Or maybe even a separate NFL record book just with my records in it. I could put it in my trophy room, the one were I keep the 100 or so balls I've scored touchdowns with."
Emmitt, don't you mean that storage facility where you pack all your NFL memorabilia, including old athletic tape and your mouthpieces throughout the years?
"Yeah, you're right," Smith replies. "I also keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings of Michael Irvin's police history and tabloid article on Troy Aikman's sexuality. That's a great coffee table reader. It's probably time for a yard sale."
Speaking of yard sale, if San Fran coach Dennis Erickson was for sale, you could haggle and get the price down from 50 cents to a quarter, and use that other quarter to buy a ticket to this game. On a positive note for the 49ers, this game is being played in newly-named Monster Park. I don't know what Monster sells, but they will be going bankrupt pretty soon. San Francisco is bankrupt in the win column, and remains that way. Cardinals win, 19-10.
Carolina @ Denver
The Broncos currently lead the AFC West, which may be the weakest division in football.
"Maybe that's why we're leading the division, pal," a snippy Mike Shanahan whines.
Thanks, Mike, you just completed my point: Denver is not that good. And, apparently, neither are the defending NFC champs the Panthers. At 1-2, hurt by the losses of Stephen Davis and Steve Smith, Carolina is struggling to find it's identity. I'm not sure what that means, but Solomon Wilcots of the NFL Network said the same thing, so it must be true.
"Damn, beau," beams Panther QB and swamp buggy aficionado Jake Delhomme, "I'm just glad to be going to Denver. I've always wanted to ride that Silver Bullet train up there."
Ah, Jake, are you talking about the Coor's Silver Bullet? That's a beer, not a train.
"Great! Even better. I've always wanted to go to Denver and drink."
Now's your chance. Carolina head coach John Fox has emphasized film study as the key to getting his team back on track.
"I've shown these guys the movie Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead," explains Fox, "because if we lose this game, we're dead, and we might as well find something to do."
Well, it works. The Panther defense finally makes an appearance, limiting the limited effectiveness of Denver QB Jake Plummer and forcing former Oklahoma running back Quentin "I'd Sooner Fumble This Ball Than Hold on to It" Griffin into two fumbles.
Carolina in a mild upset, 22-20.
St. Louis @ Seattle
Besides the Seahawks, the big news in Seattle is Mariner outfielder Ichiro Suzuki, who broke the major league season hits record on October 1st with his 258th hit.
"Look," interjects Ram coach Mike Martz, "are we gonna talk football or motorcycles? Everybody knows that this Suzuki kid can hit nothing but singles, and he doesn't make a very good crotch-rocket either. Take it from me: Yamaha makes the best racing bike around, and they also make a pretty darn good guitar. Now, let's get this game over before Mount St. Helens blows her top."
Okay Mike, you've got your wish. Let's talk football. Remember two weeks ago when everyone criticized your lack of running plays, and you stated that you were going to play "fast and furious" and if they didn't like it, they could get a new coach. Then, against the 49ers, you called 36 running plays, and, guess what, you won the game. So that makes you a hypocrite.
Now, if we want to talk good football, we'll talk about the Seahawks, who look like the best team in the NFL right now. Shaun Alexander knows how to find the end zone, and knows how to flash that gap-toothed grin. And he'll be grinning Sunday. The Seahawk defense is too much for Marc Bulger to handle. Two interceptions and four sacks later, the Rams fall victim to Seattle, 32-16.
Baltimore @ Washington
One more loss, and you may see Redskins owner and general pain in the ass Daniel Snyder waving the black flag and calling for a driver change.
"I've got LSU coach Nick Saban coming in for an interview this week," says Snyder. "Also lined up for interviews are Oklahoma's Bob Stoops, Boston Celtic legend Red Auerbach, and Ferrari's Formula One chief Jean Todt. I figure if I'm going to have a coach stand on the sidelines monitoring lap times, I should have the best."
"You know," comments Washington running back Clinton Portis, "I found it a little strange that Coach [Joe] Gibbs had us practicing in a wind tunnel, so I can kind of see where Snyder is coming from. But it was kind of cool to see that smoke passing over my helmet and pads. I didn't know my thigh pad created so much drag. If we make the right adjustment, I could be even faster."
"Look," sighs Redskin coach Joe Gibbs, "somebody tell that idiot Snyder that it's all under control. Does he expect me to come in here and immediately turn around a storied franchise that he's spent the last six years running into the ground? Maybe I look like a chicken with my head cut off right now, but I'm still acclimating myself to the NFL from NASCAR. There's a lot more preparation in football than NASCAR.
On Sunday's when I was running Joe Gibbs racing, I just sat around the garage with Tony Stewart, Bobby LaBonte, and the crews and drank beer until the green flag dropped. It's all coming back to me, albeit slowly. But tell Lil' Daniel that I'm guaranteeing victory over the Ravens. There's no way Brian Billick will out-coach me. And besides, when is the last time the Ravens won a big Monday or Sunday night game? They always lose the big one."
That's so Raven.
Desperate for a win, with a raucous Fed Ex Field crowd behind them, the 'Skins pull out a win behind the timely rushing of Portis. His Raven counterpart, Jamal Lewis, is preoccupied worrying about his drug suspension and is nullified by the Washington defense. Redskins win, 17-14. Gibbs celebrates with burnouts in the parking lot.
Tennessee @ Green Bay
Displaying another testament to his incredible toughness, Brett Favre suffered a concussion in the third quarter of last week's 14-7 to the Giants, and returned to the game after missing only two plays to throw a touchdown.
"I did?" asks Favre. "Damn, am I stupid? Playing with a concussion? That's crazy. One could suffer permanent brain damage if another concussion was inflicted on top of the previous concussion. That's about as crazy as playing the entire year with a broken thumb, like that guy Brett Favre from Green Bay did last year. Where am I?"
Jeez, Brett, you're obviously still a little loopy. Why don't you go stick your head in the whirlpool for a while so you'll be ready when the Titans come to town?
Favre's colleague in incredible feats of human willpower is Titans QB Steve McNair, who actually missed last week's San Diego game due to a bruised sternum.
"I was all set to go," complained McNair, "but I somehow lost the permission slip they pinned to my shirt to take home to my mommy and get signed. So I had to sit in the locker room and watch The Apple Dumpling Gang starring Don Knotts and Tin Conway while my teammates got the beat down courtesy of the Chargers."
"I still respect you, Steve," says Favre. "Now you'll just have to start a new streak for consecutive starts by a quarterback. Of course, you'll have to play for 14 more years to catch me, but it can be done."
Favre gets the best of McNair in the Iron Man contest, leading the Packers to a 27-16 win. McNair amazes everyone in the second quarter, when he takes a big hit from linebacker Na'il Diggs, gets up, jerks his right shoulder back into socket, and reels off 50 push-ups.
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