NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 4

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

"I'm Bill Cowher, and you're watching the NFL Network."

When you hear those words, you know you're watching the greatest invention of the last 100 years: a 24-hour network of nothing but football. Those words, when spoken by Bill Cowher, also tell you that you need to wipe your screen of the spittle produced by Cowher's jutting lower jaw-dominated enunciation.

But I shouldn't be so hard on Bill; all ugliness and speech impediments aside, I understand Cowher was one tough S.O.B. during his playing days for the Eagles. I hear he had much respect from all his teammates, and they were quite grateful that he wore a facemask.

Okay, enough about Bill. Let's talk Ben. Roethlisberger, that is. The Steelers' first-round pick and new starting quarterback takes over for the injured dead weight of Tommy Maddox. Ben has to like his position: sure, he's a rookie and still learning the offense, but he's got a great set of receivers to throw to in Hines Ward, Plaxico Burress, and Antwan Randle El, as well as a good receiving running back in Duce Staley. What's it all mean?

"I'll tell you what it all means, my friend," exclaims Roethlisberger. "It means that Big Ben doesn't need a year of seasoning to make the big time. Carson Palmer, everybody knows that Jon Kitna should be starting, just like everybody knows that I'm the man in Steel City. Maddox might as well take his act back to the XFL because I'm here to stay. Maybe you think the Pac-10 is where it's at, Palmer, but any one with any sense knows the Mid-American Conference is the bomb. I'm the MAC Daddy. Now go toss my defense a couple of interceptions and lay down for five sacks. I feel TD passes to Hines and Plexiglass."

Truer words were never spoken. Roethlisberger outplays Palmer. Staley adds 100 yards rushing. Steelers win, 26-17, and remain tied atop the AFC North.

New England @ Buffalo

Can life get any better for Tom Brady?

"No, it's as good as it gets right now," quips Brady. "I'm a two-time Super Bowl champion and MVP, I've been named one of People Magazine's Most Sexiest people, and I wear my eye black like a champ. Also, we're playing the 0-2 Bills to extend our winning streak to a record 18 games. And I'm dating Bridget Moynahan, the sultry babe in the movie I, Robot."

You live a swell life Tom, but did you know I'm filming the sequel to I, Robot with your girl? It's called Me, Horny.

But seriously, Bridget is hot and Tom is well-deserving of a quality single. I hope those two have a lasting relationship.

Brady's Buffalo counterpart is ex-teammate Drew Bledsoe, who gets sacked about six times every game. You can blame maybe one of those on the offensive line; the others can be chalked up to Bledsoe's abysmal footwork. You know when black comedians make fun of white guys dancing? Well, Bledsoe can only dream of having those white men's moves. No wonder Bledsoe's insides are Jell-O. He's damn sure never outran a sack, nor has he sidestepped one. He may duck one occasionally, but is then sacked by the next man through.

Anyway, the Bills are fired up for this one, but the Pats are fired up just as much. Remember, the Bills beat the Pats in Buffalo last year, 31-0. That won't happen again. It's a defensive struggle, but New England comes through with a 17-7 win and purge the 1972 Dolphins from the record books.

Oakland @ Houston

Texan coach Dom Capers is still riding high from Houston's surprising but soon-to-be-not-so-surprising-when-the-Chiefs-finish-last-in-the-AFC West win over Kansas City.

"There are some major grammatical errors in that previous sentence," counsels Capers, "but all I know is we shocked the world."

Uh, Dom, the Chiefs were 0-2.

"Yeah," counters Capers, "but we scored 24 on them."

Well, they were giving up an average of 32."

"Uh, I found 81 cents outside of Arrowhead Sunday," Capers weakly replies.

That, my man, is something to be proud of. Congratulations!

This Sunday, Capers and the Texans will have to deal with the Raiders, who are tied for the AFC West lead with Denver at 2-1. Kerry Collins will start for the Raiders, replacing Rich Gannon, who suffered broken vertebrae in his neck last Sunday after a vicious pile-driver from abominable Texan (denizen of the state, not a football Texan) Terry Funk. (Actually, Tampa linebacker Derrick Brooks made the hit that incapacitated Gannon, but the pile-driver angle sounded good at the time.) Anyway, Gannon's injury opens the door for Collins, who should be able to stretch defenses more vertically than Gannon, since Gannon's pass velocity was slower than a Phil Niekro knuckler into hurricane-force winds.

Collins throws two touchdowns passes, or, as Kerry likes to call it, "a double." Ty Wheatley scores on a one-yard run, and Charles Woodson makes life miserable for Houston QB David Carr.

Raiders win, 31-21.

Washington @ Cleveland

Is Redskins' owner and world-class control freak Daniel Snyder growing impatient with Redskins coach Joe Gibbs after only three games? You bet he is. When a man, or person, like Snyder is paying you as much as he is paying Gibbs, then, by God, after three games, you should, at the very least, have chalked up four wins.

"How is four wins possible in three games?" asks a frustrated Gibbs.

It's not, but Snyder doesn't know that. He expects you to bring home the Super Bowl trophy after week 13.

"That's going to be tough to do," adds Gibbs, "but when I put my mind to it, I can do anything. Nothing is impossible. I did lead this team to a Super Bowl championship with Mark Rypien as my quarterback, so there is hope in even the darkest of situations."

Snyder issues Gibbs an ultimatum: "Joe Gibbs must win this game or he will be banished to the deserted island in the Pacific where I keep Steve Spurrier."

Gibbs takes heed, and opens up the Redskins' offense against the depleted Browns' defense. Portis runs for 140 and two TDs and Mark Brunell throws a touchdown to Laveranues Coles, who is over his case of the drops he suffered against the Cowboys.

'Skins win, 24-14.

New Orleans @ Arizona

"To build a legacy, you've got to start somewhere," says Arizona head coach Dennis Green between puffs on a Newport Menthol. "We're starting with our defense. Those guys are playing their butts off. They've only given up 46 points and kept us close in all three games. It's a mystery to me how they got to be good, because I'm an offensive coach and have no idea how to coach defense."

So, in a backhanded way, Denny, are you taking responsibility for the ineptitude of your offense, which is only averaging 8.3 points per game?

"You darn right I'm taking credit," Green answers. "8.3 a game? That's not bad when you consider that our offense has yet to penetrate the red zone."

Good point, and I won't even make a sexual joke about it.

The Cardinal defense should be up to the task against a potent Saint's offense, even without Deuce McAllister. New Orleans is fresh off an overtime road victory over the Rams. Usually, after a big Saints victory, one thing comes to mind, and it's not "party"; it's "letdown." But, luckily, their letdown is against a team that can't score touchdowns on a consistent basis. The Cards' defense keeps it close, but Aaron Brooks throws two TDs and Aaron Stecker rushes for a score. New Orleans wins, 26-10.

N.Y. Jets @ Miami

After three weeks in the NFL season, one thing is clear: the Hurricanes are the best professional team in the state of Florida. No offense to the Jacksonville Jaguars, but here are the rankings: 1) Frances 2) Charlie 3) Miami Hurricanes 4) Jeanne 5) Jacksonville 6) Tampa Bay 7) Miami.

"Thank you," says Miami coach Dave Wannstedt, "that's very generous of you. I've never been ranked as high as No. 7 in anything, unless you count my No. 1 ranking as 'Coach Most Likely to Get Canned By Midseason.'"

Don't forget, Dave, you also hold the numbers 1, 2,and 3 slots in the rankings for "Most Bone-Headed Player Deals Made in One Calendar Year."

"Wow, I'm dominating that one," boasts Wannstedt. "Fill me in."

Well, Dave, here they are in no particular order: the A. J. Feeley deal, the Marty Booker deal, and the Lamar Gordon deal.

"Yeah, those were pretty stupid," admits Wannstedt, "but at least we're getting money back from Ricky."

"Man, I don't think so," counters Williams from a satellite phone in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. "That dough is tied up in marijuana futures. Check the New York Stock Exchange ticker symbol MJ. That stuff is going through the roof, and so am I after this next bong hit!"

Damn, I hope I have that much fun when I retire.

But, speaking of New York, the Jets travel to Miami, where wins are handed to you on a platter. This game should be no different. The Dolphins can't stop the rejuvenated legs of Curtis Martin, and Chad Pennington uses subsequent play-action to hit Santana Moss long. Jets win, 27-6.

St. Louis @ San Francisco

Did you see the "Sacked" segment at half time of Monday night's Dallas/Washington game, in which Rams receiver Torry Holt was duped into a bogus photo shoot and ended up wearing lipstick, eye shadow, and a tutu?

"Yes, I did," says St. Louis coach Mike Martz, "and I was disgusted! Nobody wears a skirt on this team unless I say so first. I thought we got rid of skirt-wearing when we let Kurt Warner go. It's sickening. Torry will be suspended for one game for conduct detrimental to the team."

Speaking of conduct detrimental to the team, have you noticed your play-calling?

"Yes," replies Martz, "and I think it's quite good."

Think again, Mr. Majestic. You're only running the ball about 15 times a game. Let me remind you that Marshall Faulk is healthy and you have a pretty good backup in Stephen Jackson.

"Could you explain this 'running the ball' phenomenon for me, please?" asks Martz.

Well, Mike, when a coach is not an idiot and he has a multiple-time Pro Bowl selection in his backfield, said coach tends to call plays that require said player to run with the ball.

"Do I qualify under those criteria?"

Well, I'll say this: you have a Pro Bowl running back in your backfield.

"Okay, I'll give Marshall 22 touches and I'll also un-suspend Torry," agrees Martz.

Give yourself a pat on the back, Mike. Faulk rushes for 98 yards and scores a touchdown. The passing game continues to click. Bulger passes for 260 yards and Isaac Bruce scores a touchdown. Rams win, 23-10.

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

Okay, let's all admit it: Jacksonville is for real. But before I kiss more Jaguar ass, let me say this: being "for real" after three games won't guarantee you anything, except a 3-13 record, at worst.

"Hey, buddy," growls Jag coach Jack Del Rio, "you can kiss my ass. We're 3-0. Show us a little respect!"

Look, Jack, no disrespect to you. I respect anyone with the name Jack Del Rio. That is just the coolest name in the world, right behind Genghis Khan and Pat Smear, former Foo Fighter guitarist. But as far as your team goes, I will respect them a great deal more if they can beat the Colts. In case you haven't noticed, your offense is averaging 11.7 points per game. The Colts' offense is averaging 33.3. Now, what's it gonna be? Is your offense going to score 21.7 more points, or will your defense hold the Colts to 21.7 below their scoring average?

"Dude, decimals were never my thing," replies Del Rio, "but I'll tell you this. We like 'winning ugly' as opposed to just 'being ugly,' like Peyton Manning. Peyton looks in the mirror every day, and when he does, he doesn't see the chiseled good looks that I possess. And when he normally looks at defenses, he doesn't see anything as strong as my defense staring back at him. So we're not scared, we've got something for the Colts. But it would be nice if another hurricane blows in by Sunday and slows things down for them. That would help us a great deal."

Does Peyton Manning fear the Jags at all?

"Yeah, I do," Manning explains. "But only if it were a real fight. As far as football goes, I fear no one. Just look at the last two weeks. Steve McNair: shot down. Brett Favre: shot down. I'm a gunslinger; I shoot QBs down in a blaze of glory. Now, am I going to mention the Jag QB in the same breath as McNair and Favre? No, that would be an insult to Steve and Brett. But I'll say this: 'Hey, you Jacksonville quarterback and you Jacksonville defense. Prepare to be bullet riddled.'"

Jacksonville's defense keeps them in it, but ultimately, the Indy aerial assault is too much for Byron Leftwich and the Jag offense to overcome. Indy wins, 20-13.

N.Y. Giants @ Green Bay

Giants quarterback Kurt Warner and Packer QB Brett Favre have both played in two Super Bowls, and both have won one. Both are multiple NFL MVP Award winners. Both like to sport a three-day growth of stubble.

"Okay, you can stop the comparisons right there," orders Favre. "Take away the awards and the yardage and all the numbers crap, and then compare us. You'll see that I've got one thing Warner doesn't: it's called a set of balls. Usually, I don't like to talk this way about a fellow quarterback, but Kurt's a punk. He hurts his thumb, he's out for the season. I hurt my thumb, I don't miss a game. And look at our wives: I've got a babe; he's married to a pencil with a face. Yikes!"

Yikes is right. And yikes is what both of these defensive backfields are saying at the prospect of facing a lot of passes. Favre will light up the Giants' defensive backs, and you know those suckers will double-team Javon Walker, citing his three TD game last week. So look for Favre to find Donald Driver and Robert Ferguson for TDs. Warner, on the other hand, will panic at the first sight of a Green Bay rush, and, if he doesn't get hurt first, will throw interceptions.

Packers win, 30-20. Just for old time's sake, Favre lets Michael Strahan sack him.

Philadelphia @ Chicago

"This little jaunt through the NFC North ranks is really working out well for us," notes Eagle QB Donovan McNabb. "First, we whip the Vikes, then blast the Lions, now we get to go to Chicago and dog the Bears. It's like a field trip; in fact, I might just skip the game Sunday and head over to Wrigley and catch the Cubs and Braves."

"Wait just a second, Donovan," says Eagle coach Andy Reid, while glancing at the 8" X 12" laminated sheet listing 1,476 offensive plays, all involving McNabb, "how are we going to score if you're not here? You have to run it in or throw to someone if we are to score. We can't do it any other way."

"Hey, Coach," replies McNabb, "maybe Reno Mahe could return a punt or a kickoff for a score."

"Reno Mahe?" a puzzled Reid retorts. "How can a delicious seafood dish score anything for us?"

"Well," says McNabb, chuckling, "we are playing the Bears. But seriously, you're thinking of mahi mahi, the fish. Reno Mahe plays running back for us, I think. I'm not sure I recall handing off to him, though. But just to be safe, Coach, I'll skip the Cubs and play Sunday."

"That's great!" exclaims Reid. "Now I think I'll take this Reno Mahe kid out for some mahi mahi. It's about time I got to know some of my other players."

McNabb plays, and plays well, with a passing TD, a rushing TD, a receiving TD, a safety, an interception return TD, a fumble return TD, a two-point conversion, a PAT, a field goal, a drop kick, and a penalty kick. McNabb also converts a suicide squeeze to score Jimmy Rollins from third, giving the Phillies a 4-3 win over the Marlins.

Thomas Jones tries to keep the Bears in the game, and does for about four minutes. Then Jones realizes that Jonathan Quinn is quarterbacking, so Jones retires to the locker room for a quick shower, then heads over to Wrigley for Cubs/Braves. Jones goes to will call and, posing as McNabb, picks up the free ducats, and enjoys baseball with the Bleacher Bums.

Back at Soldier Field, McNabb takes a knee, and the Eagles head to their bye week with a 47-17 win.

Atlanta @ Carolina

Many Panthers fans remember the good ol' days when the Panthers sucked. You could grab a 12-pack, sit in your recliner, flip on the television, turn the volume down, and switch on the police scanner to get your Panthers play-by-play. Life was good. Now the Panthers are a bunch of straight-laced nerds who know how to play football and know little about the inside of a jail cell, or the inside of a car trunk. Apparently, the success of the Panthers is inversely proportionate to their criminal tendencies.

Probably the nicest Panther is quarterback Jake Delhomme, a humble Louisiana boy who raises thoroughbred horses on his ranch in Lafayette, LA, and hopes someday to breed a horse that races for the Triple Crown.

"Wait a minute, beau," Delhomme corrects, "you've got it all wrong. I raise 'steak' horses, not 'stakes' horses. Who wants to ride a horse when you can eat it? Not me. Very few people know this, but horse is all white meat. Think about it. Elmer's Glue is white, and it's made of horse. Therefore my slogan: Horse: The new white meat."

Mmmm. Delicious. As is this NFC South match-up, which will go a long way in determining the division champ. At home and with two weeks rest, the Panther defense contains Michael Vick. On offense, DeShaun Foster and the emerging Keary Colbert lead the Panthers with a touchdown apiece. Carolina wins, 23-14.

Denver @ Tampa Bay

"Dang!" says new Bronco and ex-Buccaneer safety John Lynch. "I wish Keyshawn Johnson still played for Tampa Bay. I've always wanted to lay a helmet on that bastard and shut him up. But since he's with the Cowboys, I'll have to pretend that he's one of my ex-teammates that I don't hate as much and cripple that unfortunate soul. Or at least get in an illegal hit. I love the sound of helmet crushing bone, as well as the smell of napalm in the morning."

John, I, too, wish Keyshawn were there for you to dispose of.

On the sidelines are two of the biggest sourpusses in the coaching ranks. Ask yourself: have you ever seen Denver coach Mike Shanahan or Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden smile? Now answer. If you answered "no", then you get my point. These guys are as ill-mannered as Tom Coughlin, except their players don't despise them.

"Coach Gruden may always be pissed," adds Bucs QB Brad Johnson, "but he always curses me with tenderness and respect."

Well, Brad, get ready to be kindly cursed some more, because you're about the only offensive weapon left for the Bucs, so all of Gruden's frustration will come down on you. The loss of Charlie Garner only compounds an already serious injury situation, so Brad, why don't you do a little cursing of your own and tell Gruden to get you some players?

"I can't do that," cries Johnson. "He might go Chuckie on me."

You coward. Like Jackson Browne said in his 1977 hit, the Bucs are "Running on Empty."

Broncos win, 13-7, just as sure as Browne slapped Daryl Hannah.

Tennessee @ San Diego

Steve McNair's stay in the hospital for his bruised sternum suffered in Sunday's loss to Jacksonville was made much more comfortable by the presence of his coach, Jeff Fisher. Fisher was bedside for McNair's two night stay, and even assigned himself bedpan duty, much to the chagrin of several staff nurses, who were all eager to get a glimpse of the "Titan" in Room 1412.

McNair was finally released on Tuesday was wheeled to an awaiting limousine, driven by Fisher, outside the hospital.

"Where to, Mac?" asks Fisher.

"To the practice field," answers McNair. "I'm very sore, so let's do some full-contact drills."

Upon arrival at the Titans training facility, McNair is fitted with a titanium breastplate, which he finds cumbersome, yet strangely comfortable. After looking sharp in practice, McNair takes the rest of the week off.

On Sunday at game time, McNair meets San Diego quarterback Drew Brees at midfield. After exchanging pleasantries, Brees says to McNair, "You're an inspiration to me" and gives McNair a playful punch in the chest. Brees winces in pain as he sprains the middle finger on his throwing hand on McNair's breastplate. Both men end up playing with pain; McNair just does it better than anyone. McNair throws two TD passes, runs very little, and leads Tennessee to a 20-14 victory.

Kansas City @ Baltimore

Could it get any worse for the struggling Chiefs? Off to an 0-3 start with the Baltimore defense looming, Kansas City is on the verge of collapse.

"I wouldn't go so far as to call it a collapse," corrects Chief coach Dick Vermeil. "I think a more suitable word would be implosion. Even more suitable would be the terms 'breathing our last breath' and 'floating, waiting for the flush.' But I have to take full responsibility for this. Our defense is killing us. I'm the one that hired our defensive coordinator, Gunther Cunningham, in the first place. I think we would have been better off with any other Cunningham, like Richie, or any one else on the Happy Days cast. It would be so cool to introduce my defensive coordinator as 'The Fonz.'"

Yes, Dick, it would be nice if your defensive coordinator could snap his fingers and make the opposing teams' offense fall down. Your offense would still have to score anyway, and, let's be honest, that's the problem with your team this year: the offense isn't scoring enough. It's not like you had a defense last year that could stop people; your offense made up for the defensive shortcomings. Unfortunately, against the Ravens, your defense's greatest weakness (run defense) is the Raven offense's greatest strength (rushing offense). In short, you're toast.

The Raven crowd gets a scare early in the game when Ray Lewis has an epileptic seizure ... no, wait a minute, that's just his normal, pre-game ritual.

The Chiefs don't score enough to make up for Jamal Lewis' 170 yards rushing and two touchdowns. Baltimore wins, 20-13.