No Football, Ladies

I don't ever want to hear a woman doing play-by-play on a football broadcast again. They suck at it, and they ruin my whole day.

College football isn't a large part of my fanatic life, but I tuned into the Maryland/West Virginia game last weekend because Maryland is my alma mater ... and because I'd watch two turtles in a 50-yard dash if I had enough money on it.

When I turned on the game, the first voice I heard was the familiar cadence of an ex-quarterback -- in this instance, it was Mike Tomczak, who managed to somehow stay in the NFL from 1985-1999. (Then again, those last seven years were in Pittsburgh, a place that has embraced more mediocre quarterbacks than Heather Kozar.)

The second voice I heard was peculiar, and a little jarring, like when Scott Hamilton speaks during Olympic ice-skating. The voice was a little higher than what you'd expect to hear from the booth. It made no sense to me that ESPN would employ a football play-by-play man who sounded like a gelding ... unless it was an ex-kicker, and that would explain everything.

As the announcer continued, the voice sounded more and more like Joyce Hyser from "Just One of the Guys," a movie in which the actress lowers her vociferation a few octaves to try and pass herself as a dude. (She also stuffs socks down her pants to create a faux penis. Clearly, a cucumber wrapped in tin foil would have been the obvious choice ... or so I've been told.)

That got me thinking ... could this announcer be a she and not a he?

And sure enough, up comes the graphic: "Announcers: Pam Ward and Mike Tomczak."

As play continued, I really tried to give her a chance. But a few minutes later, I just turned the TV down and the radio up, delay-be-damned.

I understand Ward is a pioneer in sports broadcasting. She's paid her dues, working bad shifts on ESPNews, broadcasting obscure women's sports, and eventually working her way to a regular gig on ESPN's college football announcing crew. Although this was my first taste of Ward, many of you have probably heard her, and many of you probably like her. SportsFan Magazine's own The Sports Curmudgeon -- whose opinion on anything not named hockey I consider gospel -- is an admitted fan. (Although I imagine many of Ward's accolades come from people who underestimate her abilities as a broadcaster ... sort of like how "Punch Drunk Love" got great reviews because no one thought Sandler could act.)

But count me out. One and done. If I happen to flip on a game and Pam Ward is on the stick, I'll just keep on flipping...

Play-by-play on a football game needs a man, with a commanding voice. Period. Give me Pat Summerall or Al Michaels or Mike Patrick or Greg Gumbel. Give me someone with the pipes to match the barbarism I'm watching on the field. If I'm seeing a bloodthirsty linebacker destroying some puny little quarterback, the next voice I hear better not sound like Geena Davis.

As you can see, this isn't a "women don't know football" rant. They do. Some of them know it better than I could ever know it. Some of them play it better than I could ever play it. I'm sure if you sat myself and Pam Ward down, she could whip my ass in sports trivia or general football knowledge ... although I'm pretty sure I could beat her in thumb wrestling, because I illegally use my index finger when my opponent isn't looking. (Shhh ... don't tell her.)

To say women don't know football is just idiotic sexism. Remember when Andy Rooney stepped in it two years ago by claiming that those "damn women they have down on the sidelines who don't know what the hell they're talking about" are ruining football on television?

(Better yet: remember when CBS News' biggest headache was Andy Rooney's ignorance? Ah, those halcyon days before the Texas Air National Guard memo...)

No, this isn't about sexism; this is about gender roles. It's okay to have them. I don't want a man playing Lara Croft in the next Tomb Raider movie any more than I want Angelina Jolie playing James Bond. There's a reason No Doubt has sold 20 million albums more than Fishbone: we like our ska pop delivered by a hot Jean Harlow-looking blonde rather than a black guy with a mohawk.

Now, Jolie could be a great Bond. But James Bond is a dude. Case closed. Anything else is a distraction.

Pam Ward is a distraction.

She also undermines the action. Hearing Pam Ward, or any other female announcer, doing football takes away from the excitement. Because she sounds like a 12-year-old boy with a stuffy nose. And football deserves better than that ... even if it's college football.

This isn't a call for Pam Ward to be canned. She obviously has talent. But putting her on football is like giving me a job as a Hooters girl: competence can only get you so far when you're that ill-suited for the role.

This also isn't a call for Pam Ward to be sent to the sidelines to join the rest of the female football reporters, because that is a cruel fate I would only wish upon Jim Gray.

This is simply a call for common sense when it comes to casting on-air talent. This isn't community theater; there's no reason for a girl to play the boy parts or a boy to play the girl parts. It's okay that some jobs in life are just a better fit for one gender or the other. I mean, the Catholic Church has specified gender roles for years and you don't see any problems with its clergy, do you?

On second thought...

Again, this is no slight to Pam Ward. I'd like to hear her on baseball or basketball. And I've enjoyed female broadcasters doing hockey.

But football ... no dice.

There's a reason why I liked "Remember the Titans" better than "Wildcats"...

We Get Love and Hate Mail

First, some love for my column on "Nine Innings From Ground Zero," and the myth of the Yankees' influence on New Yorkers after 9/11:

Hi Greg,
All I have to say is ... Amen!! You are 100% on the mark. As a New Yorker, the Yankees winning the pennant (again) and making it to the World Series (again) wasn't a big deal. As a Mets fan I was rooting hard for anyone they played against. It's just a load of bull from HBO and MLB.
Good job!
Angela

It really wasn't a big deal. But let's not lay all the blame on HBO and MLB; the rest of the media crafted this fable around the Yankees during their playoff run in 2001. Imagine what would have happened if Rudy Giuliani was a Mets fan?

And now, a letter I forget to include last week about my now-infamous column about the possibility of terror attacks at the Summer Olympics:

Hi,

I read The Jester's Quart a lot, and I was offended in your "Gold Medal Mess" article before the Olympics. But seeing as how the games ran very smoothly, and Jacques Rogge even called them "One of the greatest of all time" in an interview your article bothers me no more since Athens shut up the critics.

I am writing to you though because you had no problem trashing Athens before the games, and after they stage a great Olympics, and prove you and almost the rest of the world wrong you say nothing, and act as if you never even wrote the article on Olympic Security. Oh speaking of security how about we count the number of terrorist attacks at the games. Ok ready ... ..GO ... ... ... ... .oh that's right there were none. I do not mean to trash you like you did Athens but would just appreciate it if you admitted you were wrong like almost every single media agency in the U.S, and in much of the world is. Thanks.

-- Peter Semitekolos

I received around 20 e-mails after "Gold Medal Mess," most of which were loosely connected strings of obscenities from disgruntled Athenians. Peter was one of the only ones to serve me a bitter pill after the Games were over.

If I were wrong, I'd admit it. But I wasn't. I'm thrilled there wasn't a terror attack in Athens. It shows that yes, they did have their act together when it came to security. (One billion euros should buy you something, right?)

But my column was about the inept ramp up to the Games. It was about the way Athens prepared for the games, with delays in construction, little time to test security measures and some appalling human rights violations committed in the name of safety. Those factors are a big reason why you saw more empty seats than spectators at many events.

Here's something else you might not have seen from Athens: bad news. While Olympic officials were crowing about safety, there was civil unrest on the last day of the Games. From Reuters:

Greek police hurled teargas at scores of anarchists harassing tourists in central Athens and the youths answered with fire bombs, damaging shops early on the last day of the Olympics.

Police said they detained more than 20 youths for questioning but no one was injured in the clashes in the Monastiraki tourist district, where thousands of Greek and foreign visitors have been celebrating every night during the Games.

"Police received complaints the youths were harassing tourists and damaging property," a police spokesman said, "When asked to disperse, the anarchists attacked the police with fire bombs and teargas was used."

He said several shops and banks had been seriously damaged.

Like I said, I'm glad the Athens Games went off without a hitch. But in the end, what will we remember? Judging controversies? Doping scandals? Over two million tickets left unsold because fans didn't have confidence Athens could actually pull it off?

But hey: Jacques Rogge called the Games "one of the greatest of all-time."

Wonder what he'll say about China?

As always, [email protected] with any love or hate.

And Now, a Word from NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman

"Yes ... it really is that small."

Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].