NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 3

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Arizona @ Atlanta

Last Sunday, Michael Vick rushed for over 100 yards for the third time in his career, leaving him one shy of the NFL record.

"Who holds that record?" Vick asks. "Randall Cunningham, [Donovan] McNabb, [Daunte] Culpepper?"

None of those guys, Mike. You'll never guess. In fact, I doubt you can even guess the race of the player that owns the record.

"What? He's not black?" an incredulous Vick asks.

No dude, he's as honked out as your Hummer is tricked out.

"I give up. Who is it?"

It's Billy Kilmer, fool. Here, check this picture out of Mr. Kilmer.

"Damn, he's fat!" Vick exclaims. How'd he ever rush for 100 yards, much less do it four times?"

I'll tell you how, Mike. If you could have seen Kilmer throw the ball, you would understand why he ran it. He wouldn't have known a spiral if it hit him in the face. Plus, he had happy feet.

So, Mike, it's a good week to tie that record. You're at home on the speed turf and you're playing the Cardinals, so it will be like you're a hurdler; there will be obstacles, but they won't be moving. Kilmer's record is safe for another week. Vick rushes for 65 yards and passes for 220 and two TDs. Falcons roll, 24-6.

Chicago @ Minnesota

Is the sky falling, or is Randy Moss exhibiting a little humility?

"Yeah, dog, I'm feeling a little humble-ified after Monday night in Philly. Maybe Terrell [Owens] did get the better of me. He had more yardage and a longer touchdown catch. That's why I'm pleased to announce that I'm commissioning a sculpture of T.O. to be created and displayed in Madame Tussaud's House Of Wack. Let's be serious, T.O. You can't touch me. Everybody knows your 45-yard touchdown catch was wack. You never had possession. I don't know why my dumbass coach didn't red flag that. He's wack, too. I don't know why the officials didn't see it in the first place. They must be blind and wack. That could've saved the game for us. More importantly, it could've given me a better stat line than you. But it's all good. When all is said and done, Mad Skillz will come out on top. They'll be making my sculpture out of granite. Peace!"

Come Sunday, Moss gets the rock 10 times, and finally scores on a touchdown longer than four yards. The Bears' Thomas Jones keeps Chicago in it, but in the end, Bears QB Rex Grossman blows it with a costly interception. Vikings, 21-17.

Houston @ Kansas City

After an 0-2 start, an optimistic Dick Vermeil insists that it's no time to panic, yet drastic measures are in order.

"Yeah," a ginning Vermeil says, "can I get a mulligan? Can we redo that Carolina game? We kind of duck-hooked that one. That left us in the heavy rough with a terrible lie."

Well, Dick, your best bet is to dig yourself out of the hole you've built for yourself by chipping out of the rough, then converting the up-and-down for your par. In football terms, that means outscoring the Texans to get your first win of the season, which puts you only one game out of first in the AFC West.

"When you say outscore," Vermeil asks, "are you insinuating that my defense can't stop anyone, and thusly, that my offense will have to score more to compensate for the defense's inadequacies?"

Yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying, but here's the condensed version: your defense sucks! And it's not like your offense is clicking on all eight cylinders. Actually, the only offensive player clicking is Priest Holmes, and he may not play because of a sprained ankle suffered in last Sunday's loss to the Panthers. So yeah, Dick, it is time to panic.

"Okay, then," cries Vermeil, "excuse me while I reach over her and press this button labeled 'PANIC.'''

Knowing the Chiefs need a win, Holmes fights through the pain and leads KC to a tough, 28-27 win.

New Orleans @ St. Louis

The big play in last week's 34-17 shellacking by Atlanta was Marc Bulger's fumble in the end zone which was recovered by Falcon lineman Brady Smith for a touchdown, a play that essentially sealed the Rams' doom. And also a play that Ram coach Mike Martz tried to challenge, even though the ball never hit the ground. So Mike, what exactly were you challenging?

"I'll tell you what I was challenging", Martz gruffly answers. "I was challenging Brady Smith's SAT scores from his senior year in high school. My sources tell me he had a ringer take the test for him. That should nullify his eligibility from college until the present. The fumble recovery should have been overturned. That's why I'm filing an official protest with the NFL. In fact, I'm dropping the letter in the mail box right now."

Martz drops his letter in the box, and surprisingly, out of the postal receptacle pops NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, who slaps Martz in the face, then forces the letter down Martz's throat.

"Protest rejected!" yells Tagliabue.

Martz suffers utter shame, a bruised larynx, and the same type of embarrassment he feels every year after falling short to win a Super Bowl with such a talented group. His discomfort is eased by some Hall's Throat Lozenges, and the fact that he doesn't have to face Michael Vick. With Deuce McAllister injured, most of the offensive pressure falls on Saints' QB Aaron Brooks, pressure which Brooks cannot handle. That, along with the Rams' defense, forces Brooks into two interceptions. Marshall Faulk, Tory Holt, and Isaac Bruce each score a touchdown. Rams win, 29-17.

Pittsburgh @ Miami

Word around the campfire in the Miami locker room is that several of the veterans on defense want Jay Fiedler as the Dolphins' starting quarterback. Team captains Jason Taylor and Zack Thomas even go so far as to offer coach Dave Wannstedt an ultimatum.

"Look, Coach," says Taylor, "here's the dealio. Under no circumstances will we play if A.J. Feeley quarterbacks, nor will we play if you trade for Atlanta kicker Jay Feely. No Feeley's or Feely's. You have two options: start Fiedler, or get [Dan] Marino out of retirement."

"Hey, I'll go you one better," counters Wannstedt. "How about I cut the entire team and bring in the 1972 Dolphins? I won't have to worry about motivating those old men. The Patriots are approaching their consecutive-game winning streak. The '72 Dolphins are so obsessed with that record that they'll do anything to extend it. How do you like that?"

"That's cool," states Taylor. "We gone. Call us if you need us."

After one series against the Steelers, the old Dolphins are exhausted or dead. Wannstedt makes the call, and the 2004 Dolphins come to the rescue. Fiedler gets the start and throws two TD passes. The Miami defense makes Ben Roethlisberger's first start forgettable, as he throws two interceptions. Miami wins 20-6.

Green Bay @ Indianapolis

"One down, one to go," boasts Indianapolis quarterback Peyton Manning. "[Brett] Favre, you're next. Last week, I proved that [Steve] McNair is not in the same league as I. Well, actually, he is in the same league, the NFL, and come to think of it, he's also in the same conference and division. Anyway, check the stats, you'll see that I threw for more touchdowns, fewer interceptions, and, here's the kicker, I out-rushed Steve five yards to two. I more than doubled his rushing output! Steve, baby, it's time to do the right thing: return your half of the 2003 MVP Trophy to me. I've got the glue. As for you, Favre, I'll break your consecutive games played streak one day. Ha! I think I'll sing. Rocky Top, you'll always be, home sweet home to me. Good ol' Rocky Top, Rocky Top, Tennessee. Whooo! How 'bout them Vols?"

Has Peyton lost it?

No, that's just called youthful exuberance. Peyton's a man on the field, but really, he's still just a kid. He doesn't even shave. He's got nothing in common with Brett Favre except for a strong arm and touchdowns. Whereas Favre fishes and hunts, Manning still plays video games. Favre has a wife and kids; Manning dresses his G.I Joe's in football gear. Favre is addicted to Vicodin; Manning is addicted to Skittles. What does it all mean? Nothing, except two future Hall of Famer's head-to-head. Manning and the Colts prevail in this one. Manning throws two TDs to Favre's one, and the Colt signal-caller evens his career record against Favre to 1-1. Indy wins, 27-23.

On Monday, Peyton receives a horse's head in the mail, courtesy of McNair.

Tampa Bay @ Oakland

"You know, all I've heard this week," reports Raider coach Norv Turner, "is that this game matters to us because we want revenge on the Bucs for annihilating Raider Nation two years ago in the Super Bowl. I'm here to tell you that's not the case. I've met individually with each and every player, and, to the man, they all agree that our first order of business is to get Huggy Bear's son, Justin Fargas, some playing time. Let me clarify that statement. Every player except Rich Gannon. That geek's never even heard of Starsky And Hutch."

Oakland's Warren Sapp agrees.

"It didn't bother me at all that Tampa kicked Raider ass two years ago, especially since I was doing a lot of the kicking. As far as me and the Raiders are concerned, I think Coach Turner is right. We should dedicate this season to Huggy Bear. And why not? It's obvious we're not gonna make the playoffs. Jerry Rice's streak of consecutive receptions is over. What's left to play for, except the dead presidents, of course?"

"Dead Presidents!? Oh my God, President Bush has been shot!" screams a panicked Gannon, oblivious to street slang.

A quick bitch slap by Sapp settles Gannon, and Sapp explains to the naïve Gannon that "dead presidents is money, fool. Now, run along."

Gannon settles down by game time, and completes passes to 23 different Raiders on his way to a 250 yard passing day. Tampa quarterback Brad Johnson, on the other hand, has very few targets to throw to (running back Charlie Garner and the two or so wide outs left on the roster). With so little to work with, the Bucs can muster very little offense, and fall to the Raiders 20-7.

Gruden hears boo as he leaves the field, but, conveniently enough, just happens to be wearing his Super Bowl ring on his middle finger, and proudly displays it to the Raider faithful.

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis welcomes his old homies, the Baltimore Ravens defense, to his new home, Cincinnati's Paul Brown Stadium.

"I pretty much made all those guys what they are today," Lewis opines. "Without me, they'd just be another run-of-the-mill defense, with no stars, no Super Bowls, and no skills."

You mean like your Bengals defense, Coach Marv.

When Raven linebacker Ray Lewis gets wind of Marvin's statements, he screams to his teammates, "This is our house! Nobody comes to our house and talks that kind of trash! Now, let's go out there and protect our turf."

After an uncomfortable, eight-second silence, Baltimore defensive back Chris McAllister musters the nerve and speaks for the entire group.

"Ah, Ray", McAllister cautiously says, "this ain't our house. We're in Cincinnati. You know, for three years now, you've been giving us the 'this is our house' speech. It didn't matter where we were, it was always 'Our House.' Now, I don't know if you're just stupid or lazy, but get with the times, man. Check your schedule, watch some CNN, I don't care, but get a new pep speech."

Well said, Chris.

The bottom line in this game is which quarterback makes fewer mistakes. Carson Palmer has been solid so far, but hasn't faced a defense like the Ravens. At least Palmer has a top-notch receiver to throw to, Chad Johnson. Baltimore's Kyle Boller looks like a nervous wreck every week, and has now lost his favorite target, Todd Heap, to an ankle injury. At least he can still hand the ball to Jamal Lewis, who has yet to bust loose this year, maybe because of worry caused by a looming drug conspiracy trial.

A Palmer bomb to Johnson provides the margin of victory in an otherwise defensive struggle. Bengals in an upset, 17-10.

Somewhere in Bethesda, Maryland, a guy named Kevin cackles maniacally.

Cleveland @ N.Y. Giants

Tom Coughlin enjoyed his first win as Giants' head coach by fining each of his players $100 for "excessive celebration". He did, however, give his players the option of paying the fine or making a tax-deductible donation to either of Coughlin's favorite charities, the Mt. Sinai Center For Anger Management or They Hate My Guts Anonymous. All this after the players presented Coughlin with the game ball after their win over the Redskins, an act which has to qualify as one of the most insincere gestures in NFL history.

Up next for the G-Men are the injury-plagued Browns, who lost tight end Kellen Winslow to a broken leg as well as defenders Courtney Brown and Gerard Warren.

"That's good news for me," Giants Kurt Warner says. "Maybe I won't have to even move in the pocket. As you know, I'm a little clumsy, and it's even tougher when I have to count my steps in my drops. Let's see, how many steps in a five-step drop? Oh, it hurts just to think about it."

Well, Mr. Brenda Warner, you will have time to throw the ball, and maybe after the game, you and your ass-kissing teammates can present Coach Coughlin with balloons and candy. Giants win, 26-14, but, even at 2-1, Coughlin is not happy.

"You'll see me smile when we've executed every play in a game to perfection," Coughlin snickers.

Jacksonville @ Tennessee

The good news for the Jaguars: first place in the AFC South and two AFC Conference wins. The bad news: only 20 points scored in two games.

"Hey, pal, the last I heard," an angry Jack Del Rio replies, "you win the game by scoring more than your opponent."

Yeah, Jack? And the last time I heard that same phrase was on the FOX Network's World's Most Overused and Meaningless Sports Cliches, hosted by James Brown.

But you are right, Jack, you do win the game by scoring more than your opponent. But if you have trouble outscoring some baseball teams, then you might be in trouble, especially against a pretty sturdy Titans team that always plays good defense, except against the Colts. Special teams will make the difference in this game; there will be a lot of punting and a lot of field goals. The experience of Gary Anderson and his single-bar face mask lead the Titans to victory. Anderson connects on three field goals while Jag rookie kicker Josh Scobee(Dobee Doo) misses a late fourth-quarter, game-tying field goal attempt. Tennessee wins 16-13.

Philadelphia @ Detroit

Isn't it nice to see that Michael Jackson still has a fan out there? That fan being Donovan McNabb, who celebrated a touchdown last Monday night with an end zone moonwalk and a vintage, M.J. leg kick. The moonwalk while wearing cleats on a football field: now that's talent, and McNabb still has his original nose.

How fitting, then, that the Eagles face the Lions in Detroit, home of Motown, where Michael made the moonwalk famous at the "Motown 25th Anniversary Special" back in 1983.

Early in the game, Terrell Owens complains to McNabb that he can't get open because of double-teams. McNabb calmly tells Owens to just "beat it." Owens shakes the double-team, and McNabb hits him for the score. The Eagles take an early 7-0 lead.

The Lions come right back as Joey Harrington connects with his favorite target, Roy Williams, for a 20-yard score. In keeping with the theme, Harrington wheels out a grand piano and tickles the ivories while he and Williams perform the duet, "Ebony and Ivory."

It's close all the way, but McNabb makes the decisive play in the fourth when he finds tight end L.J. Smith for a 11-yard TD pass that provides the Eagles with the winning margin. Philly moves to 3-0 with a 31-24 win.

Later, McNabb leads his teammates on a "Victory" tour.

San Diego @ Denver

After leaving Jacksonville last week with Denver omelet on their face, 7-6 losers to the Jags, the Broncos return home and welcome the Chargers to Invesco Field for a battle between two of the three teams tied for the AFC West lead.

"The Chargers are at .500?" asks a perturbed Mike Shanahan, fresh off a profanity-laden team meeting.

"We are?" replies a clueless Marty Schottenheimer.

Yes Marty, you are. You're 1-1, still in playoff contention, as is every team in the league. 1-1, Marty. That's pretty impressive considering your starting quarterback corps is Drew Brees, Doug Flutie, and Phillip Rivers (or is that a Sounds Of Nature CD in your fine collection?). Maybe you're not such a bad coach after all. Wait, yes you are. You should give LaDainian Tomlinson half your salary because he's the only reason you're still around. And why he heck did L.T. sign that contract extension? It's obvious the Chargers are going nowhere, now and in the future.

The forecast for the immediate future is the same: San Diego will go nowhere against Denver. Tomlinson will break a long run to get 100 yards, but Brees versus Champ Bailey and company? Advantage Broncos. Jake Plummer hits Rod Smith for a short touchdown and Quentin Griffin scores on a 15-yard run. Denver wins 30-14.

San Francisco @ Seattle

After Barry Bonds launched his 700th home run into the seats at SBC Park on September 17th, San Francisco fans wildly celebrated, something they haven't been able to do with this year's version of the 49ers. Ask any 'Frisco sports fan, and he, she, and/or he/she will tell you that more Bond's homers aren't the only things set to be jettisoned into McCovey Cove.

"Yeah, let's tie Dennis Erickson up, fit him with some concrete boots, and catapult him into the Bay," pleads 49er running back Kevan "My Parents Don't Know An 'A' From An 'I'" Barlow. "I'll even say 'Bon Voyage' and break a champagne bottle over his head."

Things are much better for Seahawks fans. Shaun Alexander's knee problem does not seem to be too serious, leaving Seattle supporters with a more pressing issue: what to do with Matt Hasselbeck's hair. Balding like a dog with Phase 10 mange, Hasselbeck still refuses to part with his little remaining hair.

"Look, man," explains Hasselbeck, "if I was a brother, I'd shave my head in a heartbeat. Have you seen what's under this helmet? My scalp is whiter thanan albino's tan lines. Besides, my wife kind of digs my above the ears sideburns. She tells me they'll be featured on Extreme Makeover: Goofy White Man Edition."

I'll check my local listings.

Alexander starts slowly, but scores a late TD to put the game out of reach. The strong Seahawk defense holds Barlow in check, and nearly cripples QB Ken Dorsey, he of the buggy-whip arms, with four sacks. Seattle wins, 24-14.

Dallas @ Washington

After two weeks of an unpredictable NFL season, it is apparent that only one thing is for sure: Vinnie Testeverde is unstoppable! In consecutive weeks, Vinnie has dropped over 300 yards passing on the Vikings and Browns, respectively.

On the other hand, Redskins quarterbacks will be lucky to break 300 over a three-game stretch. Patrick Ramsey is back in the starting rotation after Mark Brunell's injury.

"I hope it's different this time around," adds Ramsey. "How many times was I sacked last season? About 40? And hit about 180 other times. I'll be damned if I'm buying my offensive lineman any sort of time-keeping device until they prove that they can protect me."

Clinton Portis agrees.

"You damn right, the O-line needs to step it up," argues the ex-Bronco. Hey man, since we're in the nation's capital and your name is Clinton, who do you support for President?

"Well, it ain't that [John] Kerry guy," answers Portis.

So you endorse [George W.] Bush? "Endorse it? That ain't all I'll do to it! I'm voting for Nader!"

Vote for a loser, and, on Monday night, play for a loser.

The Cowboys defense stifles the 'Skin attack. Vinnie comes through again with 240 through the air and a TD. Terrence Newman grabs an interception to shut down the Washington air attack. Dallas wins 20-13.