Revisionist History, Yankee Style

There's a thin line between clever and stupid, and an even thinner one between a leap of faith and suspension of disbelief.

Cynics suspend disbelief; optimists make leaps of faith. Buying milk that's one-day beyond its expiration date is to assume, for a moment, that its stamp is not a rigid indicator of the product's constitution.

But it's a leap of faith to actually drink the chunky stuff.

There's a movie coming out this week called "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow." If you decide to see the film, you're doing so knowing that, at some point, giant robots are going to attack an early- to mid-20th century New York City. The premise of the movie, like the very genre of science fiction, is grounded in suspension of disbelief; the quality of the work dictates whether you take the leap of faith to enjoy it or refuse to take the ride.

(For example, I can accept the fact that there are Aliens and there are Predators, but I cannot accept the fact that over a dozen people can be chased by both of them around the surface of Antarctica ... and we can't see their breath once. "A v. P" director Paul W. Anderson: you lost me at exhale.)

Another film debuted this week on HBO called "Nine Innings From Ground Zero." It recalled the months after the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center in which Major League Baseball played a somewhat pivotal role in restoring a sense of normalcy and pride in grieving Gotham. The games went on for the Mets and Yankees, and the fans came out to watch them, even though being in a large building with thousands of other people wasn't exactly high on any New Yorker's to-do list back then. (Let alone in a building like Shea, which should basically be part of the runway at Laguardia.)

I'm sorry, did I mention the Mets? My Mets? You really didn't see all that much of them in the promos for "Nine Innings," although they were featured in the actual documentary. The Mets were an afterthought to the Yankees in this project, as they have been in the City since about 1988. (I understand there were some rumors about a "Subway Series" in 2000, although my electro-shock therapist assures me there wasn't.)

There was a lot of misinformation after 9/11 (and, of course, there continues to be). Included in that is the delusion that the Yankees were some sort of panacea for all New Yorkers in 2001. It's a lie that was spread during that season's playoffs, and is repeated in the HBO film.

Look, there are a lot of Yankees fans. I know there are, because as a Mets fan, I've heard from all of them over the last decade. Some of my best friends are Yankees fans. Thanks to Rudy Giuliani's administration, I'm pretty sure there are more Yankees fans than homeless in Manhattan these days, and that's one hell of a feat.

But to say the Yankees soothed the city's ills isn't a leap of faith. It isn't a suspension of disbelief. It's a complete and utter fabrication, a bastardization of the truth, and revisionist history at its worst. Because:

1. Not Everyone in New York Likes, Loves, or Follows the Yankees. Hi, I'm a Mets fan. You may remember me from such events as the 1969 and the 1986 World Series. I hate the Yankees. With every fiber of my being. I rooted against the Yankees when they played Oakland, then Seattle, then Arizona in the 2001 postseason. I didn't care what the media claimed they meant to the City. Get me a turban and call my Johnny Walker Lindh ... I must have sided with the terrorists!

2. There is Nothing Special About the Yankees Winning the Pennant in 2001. Yes, the soul of the city was healed when the Pinheads in Pinstripes miraculously made the World Series ... for the fifth time in six years. Zowie! Don't the Yankees just embody the spirit of scrappy underdog New Yorkers, who get up when you knock 'em down? After all, they only made the wild card in 1997 ... and won world championships in 1996, 1998, 1999, and 2000. The Yankees making the World Series in 2001 was as much a sure thing as the United States carpet bombing Afghanistan after the attacks (or, depending on who you believe, finding our way to Baghdad some time later).

3. The Yankees LOST the World Series in 2001. Would Super Bowl III mean anything to anyone if Namath and the Jets simply gave Unitas' Colts a good game before losing? Would we still be talking about Lake Placid in 1980 if Herb Brooks' boys had lost to the Russians? I can hear Al Michaels now: "Do you believe in a classic game with a frustrating and inconsequential result? YES!" What kind of fable are the revisionists writing here? This documentary was allegedly about the enduring American spirit and the unbreakable will of New Yorkers; instead, it's a lasting tribute to a losing team.

Many baseball fans were willing to take a leap of faith and embrace the Yankees post-9/11 for the sake of the City, even though the franchise represents our nation's worst tendencies. (Everything from corporate avarice to egomania to hiring foreign workers for jobs previously held by Americans.)

I'm one that refuses, however, to suspend disbelief and go with the notion that the 2001 New York Yankees were anything but the smallest of footnotes in the recovery of the city after the attacks. They should be a scene in a documentary, not the documentary itself.

But I will say this about "Nine Innings From Ground Zero" -- it offered one wonderful moment between the Yankees' Derek Jeter and President George W. Bush. The Prez is worried about throwing the first pitch out before Game 3 in the Bronx, concerned about getting the ball to the plate. Jeter gives him a warning: "Don't bounce it. This is Yankee Stadium. They'll boo."

I think the scene proves once and for all that, in New York, no one gets bush better than Derek Jeter.

Gary Bettman Continues to Suck the Life Out of Hockey, Vol. 334,771

I suppose I should say something about the NHL officially locking out its players this week. As a hockey fan, it's been inevitable and actually a bit welcome.

If you haven't read Jimmy Patterson's awesome call for scabs this season, check it out here.

Here are the three things on my hockey mind right now:

1. When will it end? January. Half a season, just like in the 1994-'95 work stoppage. A few players have mentioned "being out until January" during some Freudian slips. The owners have been quietly signing players during the offseason, adding salary while negotiating for a salary cap. Why? Because the owners know they will win this labor battle, and that the cap will go into effect after this season. Hence, a 48-game sprint to the playoffs with elephantine payrolls before the Great Purge begins next season.

2. Is Gary Bettman on the hot seat? The commissioner got high marks for his press conference this week regarding the labor crisis. And why shouldn't he? Bettman should have an intimate knowledge of the disastrous economic conditions HE $@#$@# CAUSED!!!

(Sorry, didn't mean to shout.)

This lockout has caused a number of media outlets and columnists to take a critical look at Bettman's record with the NHL. This is a good thing, because the only way to get that lying weasel out of office is through public pressure. Because he's the owners' puppet, they're all too happy to keep The Antichrist of Hockey safe and sound in NHL HQ. It's up to us to whack the weasel.

3. What should be every hockey fan's biggest concern about the league right now? Let's say there is a yearlong lockout. When the league returns, it will do so with a mandate to alter the sport in order to "please the fans" who have been alienated by the lost season. That means Bettman and the Board of Directors can implement every single roller hockey rule change they want to enact in the NHL, from elimination of the red line to restriction of goalie movement to the absolutely worst idea in the history of professional sports, the overtime shootout. It'll all be here, and they'll use us as a reason to bring it in.

Beyond the rules changes, the other headache for all three parties (players, fans and owners) is contraction. There have been so many balloons floated lately about reducing the NHL's 30 franchises, it's beginning to look like the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Mike Modano of the Dallas Stars and the NHLPA, idiot that he is, advocated the idea of contraction recently. Yeah, great idea Mikey: fight ownership while endorsing the loss of hundreds of jobs. The Teamsters would have the NHLPA's ass for lunch.

Contraction may or may not happen. The owners obviously aren't for it, even though it makes sense. Snip the Panthers, Hurricanes, Ducks, and Penguins right now. Or snip the Panthers and 'Canes, and ship the Pens and Ducks to new locales. Do something. Do anything ...

Of course, none of this will matter if promotion of the NHL continues to be misguided, if the game itself continues to be bastardized, and investment in technology to make the game more exciting and viewer-friendly on television doesn't occur.

So in other words, if Gary Bettman remains in office.

Random Thoughts

Show of hands for anyone who watched Mark Cuban's "The Benefactor" debut on ABC this week?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Hey, Mark's a great showman. He's energized a franchise that was about as healthy as Roy Tarpley's cerebellum. But here's the difference between Mark Cuban and Donald Trump, the reality TV star Cuban is trying to emulate: one has made multiple millions of dollars winning in the real estate game, and one couldn't beat the Spurs if his love handles depended on it.

The show, by the way, sucks to high heaven.

"The Benefactor" qualifies as the most offensive use of a Cuban since Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office ...

If throwing furniture into the stands is now the accepted response to unfortunate fan behavior in Major League Baseball, can we expect to see Moises Alou sprinting towards the Wrigley faithful with a sofa bed strapped to his back the next time Steve Bartman comes to a playoff game?

Craig Bueno (in Spanish, "Craig Good") is the fan who taunted the Texas Rangers' bullpen in Oakland, prompting Rangers reliever Frank Francisco to hurl a chair at him during a fracas, which hit his wife Jennifer Bueno (in Spanish, "Jennifer Good").

One interesting revelation about Mr. Bueno from his comments in court this week about the incident was the nature of his taunting. Bueno, who admitted buying season tickets near the opposing bullpen in order to "get on them a little bit," claims the worst he said to the Rangers' pitchers was "who is going to take the loss?" and "when are you going to lose?"

This either makes Bueno the world's most polite season-ticket holding heckler, or mildly retarded.

Or Option "C": full of crap ...

Can we put a moratorium on the "___ Nation" gimmick? Yes, there is a Raiders Nation. And a Cowboys Nation. And even a Yankees Nation. There is not now, nor will there ever be, a Red Sox Nation. There is a Red Sox Region called "New England," but the rest of the country is actually dreading the year when we lose our beloved "1918" chant, mainly because we still recall losing the "1940" chant when Rangers Nation won the Cup in 1994.

Furthermore, as a Jets fan, I can tell you there is no Jets Nation, as was referenced in the Newark Star-Ledger this week.

How can there be a Jets Nation when there isn't even a Jets Stadium?

Actresses Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan have escalated their heated feud, as Duff has accused Lohan of starting their tense war of words out of jealously.

Now, now ladies ... this has to stop. I want to see you guys knock off the bickering, kiss, and make-up.

Yep, that's right ... a nice, deep, wet kiss ... uh-huh, just like that ... no, no, no, you're not angry, you're passionate ... okay, now a little to the left ...

(I really wish I knew how to work the delete button on this keyboard sometimes...)

Finally, Marion Barry, the former D.C. mayor who should be elected to the city council this fall, opposes any public funding for a Major League Baseball stadium in the District.

No word if his feelings stem from a little-known incident over a decade ago, when Barry was found on a D.C. Little League diamond having snorted the third-base line and trying to smoke a rosin bag behind the pitcher's mound ...

Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].