NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 2

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

St. Louis @ Atlanta

"This game has me very concerned," a surprisingly stoic Mike Martz says. "Don't get me wrong. On paper, we should win easily. And, it's obvious I could coach circles around that rookie Jim Mora. But the return of the greatest cover corner in NFL history, No. 21 for the Dirty Birds, has me worried about my boys [Tory] Holt and [Isaac] Bruce."

Ah, Coach, are you talking about Deion Sanders?

"Yes, I'm referring to Prime Time," responds Martz.

Well, coach, Deion's back, but he's with Baltimore.

"Baltimore? Baltimore? He's with the Orioles?" asks Martz. "You know, that's a good acquisition for the Orioles. Deion would fit in nicely at the two slot setting the table for [Melvin] Mora and [Miguel] Tejada. You know, give me two years, and I bet I could take the Orioles to the Series."

That may be true, Coach, but you would surely lose in four games to the National League. Anyway, Deion signed with the Ravens, the football team.

"Wow! Baltimore has a football team!? That's amazing!"

What's more amazing is that they have more Super Bowl wins than you do, Coach, one.

"Shut your mouth!" replies Martz. "Now, if Deion isn't with the Falcons, then there is no need to game plan. We can throw all day."

Finally, Martz is right about something. Holt and Bruce catch a touchdown apiece. Rams win, 31-20.

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

Wow! Last week, Deion Sanders was upstaged by Jeff Garcia in Sanders' debut with the Ravens. The last time Deion was upstaged by someone named Garcia, he lost $40 bucks playing craps on the streets of Tallahassee, Florida to a one Jesus Garcia.

This week, Deion is in danger of being upstaged by the Steelers' Jerome Bettis, who, against the Raiders in Week 1, posted what has to be the most pathetic statistical line in NFL history: five rushes, one yard, three touchdowns! What the hell? Probably the only person more upset than me about this is Duce Staley, whose 24 rushes for 91 yards setup Bettis' glory.

"Yeah, I do all the work," explains Staley, "and that fat ass gets all the goal line touches. I'm gonna check Cowher's fantasy team. I guarantee you he had Jerome starting."

If that's the case, then Cowher should bench the Bus, because Bettis will be a marked man to the Ravens' defense. Expect some massive collisions between Bettis and Ray Lewis, with each thinking they got the better of the other. No touchdowns for Jerome this week. Deion high steps to the end zone on an interception return. Raven defense dominates, and Baltimore gets in the win column with a 23-7 victory.

Houston @ Detroit

Were the NFL desperate for attention, like the NBA, then they would organize some cheesey, "Future Stars" All-Star Ghetto Jamm like the aforementioned NBA does on All-Star Weekend. If they did so, then many of the principals in the Texans/Lions game might participate. But since the NFL doesn't need crap like that, we, the fans, are lucky enough to see the stars of tomorrow in a meaningful, regular-season game.

Who wants to see LeBron [James] and 'Melo [Anthony] hot-dogging when you can see Joey Harrington hit Roy Williams over the middle or witness Dominic Davis blasting in for paydirt from the one? On second thought, I think I would rather see LeBron and 'Melo, just not taking an international ass-beating from the likes of Puerto Rico and Italia.

But football will always rule in America, and will always rule the world, if it becomes an Olympic sport. If it does, maybe you'll see some of these guys taking the gold. Suck it, NBA!

As far as Houston/Detroit, it's a nail-biter. A fourth-quarter Carr interception leads to Jason Hanson's winning kick. Lions win, 24-21, and go to 2-0.

Chicago @ Green Bay

When Brett Favre starts this game, he will extend his NFL record of most consecutive starts by a quarterback to 192. That's like me going about 12 years without missing a day of work. I'm not foolish enough to do that, since I hate my job, and more so because I'm not making Brett Favre money. Otherwise, I'd do it.

In any case, the Pack looked solid in manhandling the defending NFC champ Panthers Monday night. Ahman Green left off where he did last year with three touchdowns, and Brett Favre is Brett Favre; he'll do what's necessary for the Packers to win. If that includes laying down to a certain defensive end so that Favre can be in the record books as the quarterback sacked for a certain NFL record, then that's what he'll do.

"And I'll feel no pain doing it," explains Favre. "I'm everyman; I'm the ultimate good guy. I mow my own grass. I milk my own cows on my sprawling ranch in Hattieburg, Mississippi. I even pack my own dip."

That's nice, Brett, but can you take your thumb on your right hand and bend it back to touch your arm? I didn't think so. But you won't need to do that against the Bears, but you will need to throw two touchdown passes since the Bears will stack the line to stop Green.

"Then that's what I'll do," promises Favre.

And that's what he does. Favre connects with Donald Driver and Javon Walker for scores. Green finds yardage tough to collect, but does manage a short TD dive. Green Bay wins, 28-13.

Denver @ Jacksonville

In case you didn't know, the Super Bowl will be played in Jacksonville in February 2005. Some analysts have pegged the Jags as playoff contenders; others have gone so far as predicting them playing at home for the title. Me, I've also got the Jags in Alltel Stadium for the Super Bowl, albeit manning several of the hospitality tents offered there.

Psychotic Denver coach Mike Shanahan wants to be in Jacksonville come February as the AFC's representative. To reach that goal, it has to be done the Shanahan way, which is riding on the coattails of a fresh, 1,000-yard rusher, then trading that back when he asks for more money (see Clinton Portis), or just plain using him up until he can't go anymore (see Terrell Davis and Mike Anderson). It worked twice in the past, Mike, but was that because of the running back, or was it because of John Elway? My guess is Elway, and your coaching brilliance, of course.

The Jags may be a little shaky on offense, but their defense is solid, anchored by guys who must be better than Tony Brackens and Hugh Douglas, both of whom were released by Jacksonville honcho Jack Del Rio. But the Bronco defenders are even better, and, with Champ Bailey roving the backfield, Jag QB Byron Leftwich will find completions to his teammates hard to come by.

Bailey covers the aging Jimmie Smith like a blanket, and even has a reception of his own on offense. Don't expect 100 yards from Quentin Griffin this time, but he will score a touchdown. Denver kicker Jason Elam adds three field goals, and the Broncos manage a tough, 16-7 win.

Carolina @ Kansas City

Apparently, the difference between Kansas City's bad defense and Carolina's supposedly good defense is not that great, especially after watching Green Bay manhandle the Panthers' front-seven on Monday night. This, and the fact that Priest Holmes is on the horizon, has Panther head coach John Fox worried, so much that his habit a nervously gnawing on chewing gum has increased three-fold.

"Hey," counters Fox, "you'd do the same, especially if you were an ex-smoker, like myself. Lucky Strikes, non-filtered, two packs a day. With our defensive issues, plus Steve Smith's injury, if I started smoking again, I'd be dead in 10 years, or worse, I'd look like a member of the Rolling Stones."

You're probably right, Coach. But here's a thought: why not try and do what got you to the Super Bowl last year, running the ball? You may not know this, but Stephen Davis is still on the team, and you have Deshaun Foster. It might be a good idea to do that against the Chiefs; the more you control the ball, the less it will be in the hands of Holmes.

"You know, I think I'll try that," promises Fox. "Thanks, man."

The Panthers successfully run the ball, but without the deep threat of Smith in the lineup, the Chiefs can afford to put an extra man in the box (it's always fun to say that). Holmes scores two touchdowns, and the Chiefs please a packed Arrowhead Stadium crowd with a 30-24 win.

After the game, Kansas City quarterback and golf fan Trent Green (in regulation) watches the United States squad fail to capture the Ryder Cup.

San Francisco @ New Orleans

This is a must-win game for Saints' coach Jim Haslett. Lose, and he can kiss his job goodbye, as well as his French Quarter plantation, his wife, his mistress, and his stake in the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. If he's lucky, there may be a position coaching the junior varsity at Bayou Technical Community College. But that's if New Orleans loses. Win, and all is forgotten temporarily, until another losing streak puts Haslett on the hot seat again.

As always, the Saints' problems stem from inconsistent play from quarterback Aaron Brooks, who has two A's in his first name, but should have two N's, for N-terception and N-completion. You would think Brooks would have one of the easiest jobs in the NFL, handing off to Deuce McAllister and throwing to Joe "Me So" Horn, Donte "No, I'm Not John's Son" Stallworth, and Boo "Hoo" Williams. Damn, it's not like those guys can't get open. What are you aiming for Aaron, their backs? Hit your targets, man! What do you have to say for yourself, Aaron?

"Ah, go Wahoos," is all the Charlottesville alum can manage.

Brooks limits his interceptions, Stallworth scores on a bomb, McAllister gets a rushing TD, and Haslett is safe for a couple of weeks. Saints, 27-20.

Washington @ New York Giants

It took Kurt Warner less than a game to get pulled from last week's game at Philly, and he didn't even break his thumb or suffer a concussion. But he did make a nice handoff to Tiki Barber, which Barber turned into a 72-yard touchdown jaunt.

"That's the highlight of Kurt's season right there," comments ill-mannered Giant coach Tom Coughlin. "From now on, his highlights will consist of topping his skull with a Giants cap and charting the passes of Eli Manning. That's all under the condition that I don't cut him."

Well, Sergeant Coughlin, Kurt Warner is the least of your worries. Numbers one and two on your agenda should be how to stop Clinton Portis, and starting a defensive backfield that doesn't give up four touchdowns, as the Giants did against Philly. And, oh yeah, you should be concerned that every player on your team hates your guts.

The latest complaint involves you fining three players not for being late to a meeting, but for not being early enough.

"Yeah, what's up with that?" whines one of the "guilty" party, Terry Cousin. "Is this Fork Union Military Academy? And $500? I can't afford that! Wait a minute. Yes, I can! I'm rich. I play football for a living! I'll gladly pay the fine! Then I'll gladly lay down and let Portis run by me for a touchdown. Whoo hoo!"

The 'Skins wax the Giants and Coughlin gets a lesson in coaching and respect from legendary Joe Gibbs. Portis scores one, Brunell torches a pathetic Giants secondary for two touchdowns. Washington, 24-10.

After the game, Michael Strahan leads a players-only meeting on the meaning of the word "mutiny."

Indianapolis @ Tennessee

With two wins over the Titans last year, Peyton Manning seems to have Steve McNair's number.

"Yeah, and the fool won't stop calling me," complains McNair. "He wants me to buy some Girl Scout cookies."

"C'mon Steve, it's for a good cause," Manning begs.

"No thanks, bud," says McNair. "But if they have a new flavor called 'Good Ole Down South Hominy Grits And Cornbread,' then you might be in business."

That said, Manning shuts up and gets his game face on, knowing the Colts must win, otherwise they will be down two games to the Titans in the AFC South A-League, while the Texans and Jaguars battle for the B-League crown. Colts' coach Tony Dungy knows what his team has to do to win.

"We have to contain McNair," explains Dungy. "If we can keep him from making the big play, we win. And also, it would help if Edgerrin would not fumble in the red zone."

Sometimes a jab like that from a coach can put the affected player in a funk. But not Edgerrin James. He takes the comment in stride, smiles through his gold teeth, and continues to punch his Tony Dungy, life-size bobble-head doll, which makes it about the size of a real bobble-head doll.

James holds onto the ball on his one touchdown plunge. Manning throws two TD passes, and the Colts' offense is too much for Tennessee to overcome. Indianapolis wins, 27-20.

Seattle @ Tampa Bay

It's the battle of expansion teams, class of 1977, that is, on the assumption that Hurricane Ivan allows this game to take place. But things should be okay. Ivan seems to heading slightly westward, so the chance of hurricane conditions is falling, as is the chance of the Bucs managing a winning record.

But luckily for the Bucs, Seattle's Shaun Alexander may not play with a bruised knee. That may give the Bucs some hope, but they still won't have a chance. Seattle has too many weapons; Tampa Bay has none.

Brad Johnson will be lucky to make it through the entire season, and, with no major receiving threats, why would he want to? And with an aging Charlie Garner as the main ball carrier, the running game is not much better. Defensively, the Bucs are decent, but won't be able to stop Matt Hasselback and receivers Darrell Jackson and Koren Robinson. Seattle wins, 26-10.

New England @ Arizona

Cardinal coach Dennis Green has been waiting to welcome the defending Super Bowl champs to Arizona since he assumed the head-coaching role.

"I've challenged my guys to play their best against the best," Green explains. "And I want to get a look and those two Super Bowl rings on [Bill] Bellichick's fingers."

Before the game, Bellichick and Green meet at midfield for the customary coaches' salutations. Little does Bellichick know that Green has greased his own palm with a handful of Crisco, and, after a vigorous handshake, Green slips the gold off of Bellichick's fingers and high tails it to the sideline. The reserved Bellichick calmly informs Green that once the Pats get up by thirty, he's taking the rings back.

"You're on," Green cockily answers.

Well, as a raucous Cardinals Stadium crowd looks on, enjoying the "Beat the Heat" promotion (all fans receive a Cardinal hand fan provided the attendance is higher than the temperature -- all 109 fans got one; the temperature was only 101°), Green is forced to give the rings back early in the third quarter, when the Pats go up 34-3.

A furious Cardinal fourth-quarter rally falls just a bit short, and New England goes to 2-0 with a 37-13 win. Tom Brady connects for 261 yards passing and two touchdowns.

Cleveland @ Dallas

Bill Parcells just couldn't shake that uncomfortable feeling last Sunday against the Vikings. Was it the fact that the Dallas defense allowed five passing touchdowns, or was it the Cowboy's inability to establish a rushing attack (21 rushes for 71 yards)?

"It was neither," says Parcells. "It was this doggone girdle I have to wear to keep my gut from spilling over. You know, I was starting to look like Monica Seles there for a bit. But, thanks to the good people at Playtex, I'm looking much more svelte, pardon my Swedish. But, damn if this thing doesn't dig into my sides."

Then, out of nowhere, Cleveland tight end Kellen Winslow II snaps the elastic on Parcells' girdle, dropping the coaching legend to his knees. Then, Winslow, while muttering something about "going to war" and being a "soldier," finishes Parcells off with a wedgie, a noogie, and the coup de grace, a titty twister.

As Parcells convulses on the floor, the original Kellen Winslow can only shake his head at his son's antics, disappointed that his son will probably never block an Uwe von Schaman field goal to save a playoff game for his team. The thought exhausts the elder Winslow, and he has to be carried away by former teammates Chuck Muncie and Charlie Joiner.

The younger Winslow fares a little better, but has a hard time getting open with Dallas safety Roy Williams hounding him all day. Father Time Vinnie Testerverde plays mistake-free football, and Julius Jones finally gets the call over Eddie "2.2 Yards and a Cloud of Dust" George, scoring on a one-yard touchdown run.

In the Cleveland locker room after the Cowboys 24-20 win, Winslow snaps and trashes a massage table, only to be slapped by team leader Jeff Garcia back to reality. "Get a hold of yourself, man," shouts Garcia. "We're 1-1. It's all good."

Buffalo @ Oakland

"I'm back," boasts Raider quarterback Rich Gannon. "My torn labrum is fully healed, and as long as my offensive lineman can keep fat slob defensive linemen from driving my should into the turf, things should be great for me and the Raiders. You will feel my wrath one day, Tony Siragussa."

Guess what, Rich? You lost last week. Sure, you passed for 305 yards and two touchdowns, but you also threw two costly interceptions. And I'm sure that any time you want a piece of Siragusa, you can have it. I'm sure he won't miss it. He's got plenty to go around.

While not as crafty as Gannon in the pocket, Buffalo's Drew Bledsoe still has a cannon for an arm, and when he's not getting sacked, he's able to hit his receivers. Eric Moulds is re-emerging as his favorite target, but Bledsoe is having trouble deciding which running back to hand off to, Travis Henry or Willis McGahee.

McGahee is unhappy about his backup role, but seems to forget that Henry rushed for well over a 1,000 yards last year, and is tougher than shoe leather and meaner than a rattlesnake.

Hey, Willis, if you really want to start, why don't you give Tonya Harding a call? I'm sure she knows some goons with a lead pipe who can take care of Travis. Or you could just be a man, suck it up, and be a team player.

Anyway, this is an evenly-matched game. The difference is Raider kicker Sebastian Janikowski, whose 45-yard, fourth quarter field goal is the difference. Oakland wins, 23-20. Janikowski celebrates later by committing a second-degree felony.

New York Jets @ San Diego

Curtis Martin showed everyone last week that he's still got it. Martin dropped 196 rushing yards on the Bengals and head coach Marvin Lewis. Hey, Curtis, you still got anything left in the tank?

"Man, you know I do," replies Martin. "I spent the offseason 'Sweatin' to the Oldies' with Richard Simmons. He really knows how to work it, and he's really got a cool, white-man afro. And, check these out."

Martin drops his game pants to reveal a pair of Under Armour biker shorts in vintage Simmons red and white vertical stripes.

Those are sweet, and manly.

"Aren't they?" replies Martin. "I even sent L.T. a pair.

"Yes, thank you Curtis," LaDainian Tomlinson replies. "You'll be receiving a subpoena for sexual harassment shortly. Those things are offensive. A real NFL man works out to Jack LaLanne. That dude is 80, but he looks 50. I'll take the LaLanne short-sleeve jumpsuit over the Simmons' pansy pants anyday."

As usual, L.T. rushes for 100 yards and a touchdown, but Martin's supporting cast leads the Jets to victory. Chad Pennington records two touchdown passes, and the Jets' defense brings Drew Brees back to the level of bad quarterback. New York, 30-14.

Miami @ Cincinnati

Shocking news out of Miami. A. J. Feeley has been named this week's starter against the Bengals.

"Don't be so surprised," explains current and soon-to-be ex-head coach of the Dolphins, Dave Wannstedt. "I've been kicking myself in the ass for years for starting a quarterback from an Ivy League school. Fiedler should be working for NASA or curing cancer, not quarterbacking. I feel much better with Feeley behind center. He's a dumb jock from Oregon. If he can't play football, he'll be on the street panhandling. So I'm doing humanity a favor."

Thanks, coach, for keeping A.J. Feeley off of the street. I can safely go out now.

The question is, Dave, can the Dolphins keep the Bengals out of the end zone. No, wait, I have a better question. Can the Miami offense find the end zone? With your patchwork offense, your best bet is to throw the ball and hope your defense can put up some points of their own. Miami does find the end zone once, on a Feeley pass to Chris Chambers.

New Dolphin Lamar Gordon doesn't do much, much to the satisfaction of ex-Dolphin Ricky Williams, who enjoys the game on a satellite feed from a Bangkok opium den. The Johnson boys, Chad and Rudi, score a touchdown apiece, and Carson Palmer gains more confidence with no interceptions against a seasoned Miami defense. Cincy wins, 17-7.

Minnesota @ Philadelphia

Three words: take the over. For you non-gamblers, that means this game will be high-scoring and high-flying. Here's why. If the Eagles can give up over 400 yards of offense to the Giants and Kurt Warner, will they be able to hold the Vikings under 600? Don't laugh, Viking defense. You didn't even sack Vinnie Testeverde once, and he's probably the most immobile quarterback in the history of the NFL, and that includes all the deceased quarterbacks.

Will you even lay a hand on Donovan McNabb? I doubt it. McNabb finally has a main man in Terrell Owens (easy, Terrell, that statement was made with no homosexual undertones). Daunte Culpepper's main man is still Randy Moss. Owens and Moss had three and two touchdown catches, respectively, in Week 1. This will be a personal battle, Terrell "The Brother From Another Planet" versus Randy "Mad Skillz" Moss, the winner to take all the bragging rights for the year.

"Hey man, that's all that matters," adds Owens. "If you gonna walk the walk, then you can talk the talk. I'm gonna shut brace face up for good."

"Man, I'll tell you what planet he's from," counters Moss. "He's from the planet Wack. Does he remember last year when I whupped him good and left him on the sideline poutin' like a baby 'cause he didn't get the ball. Here's news for you, T.O. Get open, bitch!"

Once again, Moss gets the better of Owens, scoring two touchdowns to Owens' one, and the Vikings prevail in a 38-35 shootout.