Chicago Conundrum

I'm sure you're all familiar with the "Billy Goat" curse that has plagued the Chicago Cubs since 1945.

Well, for those who are not or if you need a refresher, legend has it that, William "Billy Goat" Sianis, a Greek immigrant who owned a nearby tavern, had two $7.20 box seat tickets to Game 4 of the 1945 World Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Detroit Tigers.

Sianis and the goat were allowed into the stadium and strolled about the playing field before the game, until they were ushered off of the field. After harsh words were exchanged, both Sianis and the goat were permitted to stay in the stadium occupying the box seat for which he had purchased tickets.

Before the game was over, however, Sianis and the goat were ejected from the stadium because of complaints of the goat's odor. Sianis was incensed at the ejection and placed a curse upon the Cubs that they would never win another pennant or play in a World Series at Wrigley Field again.

The Cubs lost game four and eventually the 1945 World Series. Since that time, the Cubs have not won a National League pennant or played in a World Series at Wrigley Field. In fact, the Cubs are infamous for having the longest league championship drought in Major League Baseball history.

Unfortunately, for the city of Chicago, the curse is growing in power. It is no longer confined to Wrigley Field.

Think about it. Wrigley Field itself is beginning to crumble. The deterioration isn't because of age; it's because the curse is becoming too strong for the "Friendly Confines" to contain. Erosion does not occur overnight, but the curse was patient and bided it's time, waiting for Wrigley to weaken its hold.

I am the only one brave enough to reveal this dark secret to the masses.

The last time any Chicago team has won a title was the 1998 Chicago Bulls, so my guess is that it was the summer of 1999 when the Billy Goat Curse began seeping through the walls of Wrigley and spread itself to the other Chicago teams.

Seep.

What was that?

I don't know, but, as I was saying, 1999 was the worst year for all Chicago teams combined. No Chicago team made the playoffs that year as the Cubs went 67-95, the White Sox crushed all that dare oppose them with a 75-86 record. The Bears rocked the Midway with a 6-10 effort, while the Bulls put the smack down with a 13-37 run and the Blackhawks dominated with a 29-41-12 mark.

The Bulls haven't made the playoffs, since. Michael Jordan, Dennis Rodman, Scottie Pippen, and Phil Jackson were forced out of a chance to win a title in 1999. They ended up parting ways, at management's request.

You remember Jerry Krause, the Bulls GM, at the time? Yeah, the fat guy who said, "Players don't win championships, organizations do."

Only the curse can make a man utter such an asinine statement.

Seep. Seep.

That's beginning to get really creepy. Anyway, the Blackhawks haven't won a championship since 1961. The real travesty is Blackhawks' owner Bill Wirtz, who insists on blacking out televised home games in order to force fans to purchase tickets and watch them lose in person. The slumping Blackhawks were one point from being the worst team in the NHL last season.

Does Wirtz realize that if he put a team, worth watching, out on the ice, then maybe he could increase ticket sales?

Of course he doesn't, because The Billy Goat curse has clouded his mind with stupidity.

The Bears and the White Sox haven't seen a title since 1985 and 1917, respectively, and from the looks of the present day situation, the streak will continue.

Seep. Seep. Seep.

What the hell is that?

Let's move on. There have been great Chicago moments, I must admit. The curse never said it would prevent that. Arguably, the best NFL team that ever existed was the 1985 Chicago Bears, who went 15-1 and won the Super Bowl. The "no-argument" best team ever in the NBA was the '95-'96 Chicago Bulls team that went 72-10 in the regular season and claimed the title.

My explanation is that Wrigley Field was still strong enough to keep the curse contained, but now our defenses have been compromised, my friends.

This year, the stadium is crumbling, rocks are falling, and there's nothing we can do about it. The Goat will not be denied its vengeance.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

There was a time when the curse was content with not allowing the Cubs to win a World Series, but now, that it has broken free from it's cage, seems to have decided to take its fury out on all of Chicago.

Sure, the Cubs have Sammy Sosa's slugging and a tremendous pitching staff and the White Sox have superior offensive power with the hitting of Frank Thomas, Magglio Ordonez, and Paul Konerko. The Bears boast super-linebacker Brian Urlacher, the Blackhawks have a nice, solid center in Tuomo Ruutu, while the Bulls have a young team of potential superstars.

That is all very well and good, but where are the titles?

The curse delievered us coaches and managers like Tim Floyd, Bill Cartwright, Dave Wannstedt, Dick Jauron, Jerry Manuel, Terry Bevington, Don Baylor, and the Sutter brothers.

I have no doubt that Sianis and his goat were laughing and bleating from the beyond.

The present season could have been the year that the Cubs and White Sox met each other in the World Series, but injuries have plagued both teams, leaving the White Sox almost out of contention and the Cubs fighting for a wildcard spot.

The Billy Goat Curse has become a plague and it's spreading.

SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP!

As a resident of Chicago, I am witness...

My God, now I know what that is! I should have never revealed its secret!

SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP!

The curse is coming for me, readers! Spread the message! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP!

Let the world know what's coming!

SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP!

Must ... keep ... writing ...

SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP! SEEP!