Random thoughts on a random summer day...
ITEM: Quincy Carter Joins the Jets
I remember asking a Rangers fan friend of mine what he was going to do after Eric Lindros was traded to the Blueshirts. I heard this kid call Lindros things, while he was on the Flyers, which would have made Quentin Tarantino blush.
How would he cope with No. 88 now on his favorite team? Simple, he said:
"He was a %*^*$%^ in Philly, but here he's the Comeback Player of the Year."
That's what happens when Public Enemy No. 1 becomes your No. 1 center -- you can either bitch about the trade, or just learn to accept the fact that the guy you've been slagging on is going to be the next jersey you purchase.
Ever since the Cowboys cut Quincy Carter, he's been in my daily arsenal of punchlines. I even made a joke about him in my last "Pop Quiz" column:
1. The Dallas Cowboys' cutting of Quincy Carter will benefit which person or persons the most?
A. Michael Irvin, who may one day not be the first name that comes up when you Google "dallas cowboys and cocaine."
B. The Cowboys' offensive line, which will no longer have to block for a quarterback with "those nose-candy Jimmy legs."
C. Mount Kilimanjaro, which will look like Dave Meggett when compared to Dallas starter Vinny Testaverde's mobility.
D. Bill Parcells apologists, who will applaud his tough drug-test policy about 15 years after Lawrence Taylor helped him win two Super Bowls by keeping a teammate's urine in an aspirin bottle in his pocket in order to beat the test.
Was Carter on coke? Who knows? The bottom line is that his attitude sucked, he allegedly ran afoul of the league's substance abuse policy, and was released by a team that didn't exactly have Eli Manning waiting in the wings.
Enter Jets coach Herman Edwards, who has two notable character traits: the ability to open his heart for a young player who needs some discipline and guidance in his life, and the uncanny inability to find a backup quarterback that is neither an untested rookie or older than Pat Summerall.
Anyway, Carter gets the call, and signs with the Jets as Chad Pennington's understudy. Suddenly, the guy I've been calling "Cowboy Crackhead" for the last two weeks is one helmet to the wrist away from being the starting quarterback for my favorite team.
So now I have two choices as a Jets fan: bitch about my team taking a chance on a guy who lost his mind (both clinically and pharmaceutically) when Dallas signed Vinny Testaverde, and whose style is in complete contrast to New York's offensive scheme for Pennington?
Or just admit that Quincy's the brightest young quarterback in the league, a rich man's Michael Vick, who got a raw deal in Dallas and could easily lead the Jets to the Super Bowl should Pennington falter?
Not that I'm a homer or anything...
ITEM: Paul Hamm Wins Tainted Gold
Shame on anybody who thinks Hamm should surrender, share or smelt his gold medal in Olympic men's gymnastics. Shame on you for having no sense of recent history.
Jan. 5, 2003. NFC Wild Card Game. The New York Giants and the San Francisco 49ers. Trailing by one point, the Giants line up for a 41-yard field-goal attempt with six seconds on the clock. Trey Junkin botches the snap, holder Matt Allen picks up the ball, and throws to guard Rich Seubert, who was an eligible receiver on the play. San Francisco defensive end Chike Okeafor mugs Seubert before the ball gets to him. No call for pass interference; instead, Giants guard Tam Hopkins gets nailed for being an illegal receiver on the play. The game ended on that call.
Just like South Korean gymnast Yang Tae-young, the Giants were screwed by an official whose sloppy procedural mistake, and subsequent misinterpretation of the rules, cost them victory. And just like the Olympic officials did, the NFL came out and explained its referee's mistake: That Seubert was eligible, that at minimum there should have been offsetting penalties, and that the Giants would have had another attempt to win.
But did they replay the game? No. Did the 49ers share the win with the Giants? Hell no. Remember Steve Mariucci's sympathetic reaction to the Giants' plight? "Bummer!"
Some columnist named John McGrath for The News Tribune in Washington slammed Hamm (hehe) for refusing to give up his medal: "Fame, fortune, a fawning public: Paul Hamm would've been permanently etched in the pantheon of most-admirable Olympic legends. All this was his, in exchange for swapping a gold medal for one that is silver."
Think of it this way, John and all the rest of the shortsighted numbskulls taking Hamm down a notch because of someone else's botch. Let's say you win the lottery, only the girl working the machines didn't calibrate one of the vacuums correctly. The "17" ball nearly gets sucked up the tube, but it falls back down into the fray. The "23" ball eventually ends up in the final numbers. Now, everyone with the "17" knows that ball is in there if the machine was calibrated correctly and sucked it like a pro. But the suction wasn't at full blast, because the Lotto Lady didn't do one of her two friggin' jobs, so the ball came up, went down, and then "23" emerged seconds later.
Lotto officials decide that "17" would have been the number if the machine had been correctly set. You happen to have all the numbers AND "23," and you happen to be the only winner of $225 million cash jackpot.
So, will you agree with the Lotto officials' assessment of the situation and give back the money based on this unforeseen technicality? Or will you tell them to bugger off and buy Bora Bora as a home for you and your harem of strippers?
Exactly.
Back to Hamm. An officemate told me this situation is more "politically sensitive" than a NFL officiating snafu. Whatever ... it's South Korea, people. We already tell them what to think. Get the Prez on the horn and make our Coalition of the Willing brothers knock off the complaining. (Oh, and see if they can rustle up a few warm bodies for Najaf while you're at it.)
Now, if it was North Korea, I say we give 'em the gold, silver, bronze, and then some other medal we make up on the spot with an pen knife and an empty can of Pepsi. Call me spineless, but that little guy with the big hair and the missiles gives me the shakes.
ITEM: The Passion of the Pong
"Please, sir ... I've been naughty." (REUTERS/Kim Kyung-Hoon Reuters)
ITEM: Should the NHL Ditch the Olympics?
Kara Yorio of The Sporting News wants the World Cup to be hockey's premiere non-NHL event, and thus wants the NHL out of the Winter Olympics. It's a similar set-up to international soccer, which restricts the age of players for the Olympics in order to keep the FIFA World Cup as the most prestigious event.
Does the NHL benefit from Olympic participation? Not really. There's never a significant bump in either attendance or television audience after the games. The most lasting moment from the last two Winter Games was Canada putting an end to a 50-year gold medal draught, which captured the imagination of Moosejaw, but didn't exactly enchant the rest of North America.
In other words, it really hasn't done all that much to grow hockey in America, where all but six of the NHL's teams reside. And I've never been too crazy about shutting down the season in order to play a bunch of exhibition games.
My biggest issue with Olympic participation is that we're basically just watching five or six NHL all-star teams battle it out -- no new stars are born. Remember Peter Forsberg scoring on that penalty shot in Lillehammer? That's a career-making moment. You don't get the same effect when the guy's been in the league for 10 years.
Yet there's no denying that the hockey is incredible. And that the Olympic games rise above the usual pathetic hockey of NHL all-star contests (where the only check you'll find is Jaromir Jagr.)
(Get it, "Czech?" It's one of those "this word sounds like that word" things. They typically don't work when written out.)
(Like now.)
Yorio makes a good case for the NHL to stay out of the Winter Games. But the World Cup of hockey will never be the World Cup of soccer, because the most important title on the ice is another Cup.
ITEM: The MLS Remains Too Stupid For Words
The San Jose Earthquakes have won two of the last three Major League Soccer championships. They want a new stadium; the city isn't sure it wants to build one.
One ownership group seeking to buy the Quakes would move them to Houston. Another possibility, and a good one, is San Antonio. That city's mayor said he wants a MLS team to play in the Alamodome by 2006.
Now, why would MLS want a second team in Texas, specifically in San Antonio? Because half the city's population is Hispanic, that's why. And you remember the last time MLS sent a franchise to an unbearably hot southern city simply because the locals were Latino, don't you?
It was Miami. The Miami Fusion. The team folded in 2002 after four years of pitiful attendance.
Someone clearly isn't learning from his or her mistakes.
By the way, about that other Texas team, the Dallas Burn? It will officially change its name to "FC Dallas 96" next season. Because what soccer really needs to succeed in this country are more teams that sound like AOL instant messenger screen names.
ITEM: ESPN to Debut New Dramatic Weekly Series Based on "World Series of Poker' called "Tilt."
Next time Chris Berman wants to compare he and the rest of the ESPN: Year One trailblazers to the Mercury astronauts, perhaps he should realize that when we finally got to the moon, we didn't find it was made of cheese.
Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
Leave a Comment