NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 1 (Pt. 1)

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

San Diego @ Houston

This game has all the makings of a NCAA Division III-AA showdown, just without the skill level. Not the players, the coaches, mind you. Marty Schottenheimer is more famous for a game he lost (1986 AFC Championship game with Cleveland) than anything he's won (nothing).

Dom Capers is a marginal coach (the margin being that between "bad" and "sucks") who seems to be the inaugural coach of every expansion team of the last 10 years. Capers did, however, lead the Panthers to the NFC Championship in the second year of the franchise. Impressive, yes, but that alone won't get you to Canton, although it may help in securing a Greyhound bus ticket to that locale.

Now, one player who will be in Canton one day for his Hall of Fame induction is LaDainian Tomlinson. Which depends on how long Tomlinson can stomach being the best player in the game and playing for one of the worst teams. Judging by his new 10-year, $60 million dollar contract, it appears that Tomlinson doesn't mind it that much.

"You're right," adds Tomlinson. "First on my list is the cash money, then touchdowns, then yards, my wife, my earrings, my pit bull, my gat, then a few other things, and last is winning. That don't mean a thing to L.T."

That's good, L.T., because the Chargers begin this season, known to the players as "The Quest" (to get Schottenheimer fired) with a 31-10 loss to the Texans. Tomlinson does record a touchdown as one of the few bright spots for the Chargers, make that the only bright spot for San Diego.

Tennessee @ Miami

Where do you start when you talk about Miami's offseason? How about here? Shaquille O'Neal is now a member of the Heat! Yes!

The Dolphins? Oh, the Dolphins. Well, provided the 'Fins don't lose any more players to retirement or injury, they can expect to be right in the thick of the AFC East race, for last place, that is.

"Damn, what's a coach to do when two of his best players are gone for the season?" asks Dave Wannstedt.

Well, Dave, you can start by preparing for a midseason firing by placing your resumé on Monster.com. And also, Dave, might I point out that of those two best players, one likes to wear wedding dresses and smoke pot, and the other is a performance-enhancing drug fiend?

"Wait just a minute," interjects David Boston. "Torn knee cartilage is nothing. Don't count me out yet. I've never met an injury I couldn't inject something into and make it better."

Popeye's right. He'll return midseason with a bionic knee, just about the time Ricky returns so he won't have to pay back any salary.

Meanwhile, in Titans camp, things are much more stable. Steve "I've Never Met an Injury I Didn't Play Through" McNair is ready for the season.

"Yes, I'm anxious," reports McNair. "I'm a little wary about this playing with no pain deal. I'm not sure how I'll react. If I have to, I'll sprain my ankle on purpose."

Not to worry, Steve. The Miami defense in more than capable of inflicting pain, as is the Miami offense, but only on Miami coaches and fans. The Titan defense manhandles the Miami quarterback and McNair picks his way to one rush TD and one pass TD. Tennessee wins, 17-9.

Cincinnati @ New York Jets

In Cincinnati, it's the year of the Johnson.

Easy ladies, I'm talking about Rudi and Chad, the Bengals' Big Johnsons. Rudi fondly looks back on his college days at Notre Dame, when they made that movie about him. Chad has guaranteed that at some point this season, he'll guarantee that the Bengals will make the playoffs.

Whether or not they make the playoffs depends largely on the play of last year's overall No. 1 draft pick, Carson Palmer, who garnered the starting position over Jon Kitna the old-fashioned way: it was given to him.

"Hey, this ain't Smith-Barney," a perturbed Palmer says. "The name's Carson Palmer. I've lived a privileged life. Everything's been handed to me on a silver platter, except honor and manhood. I'm hoping my teammates don't recognize that I have neither."

The Jets' Chad Pennington, on the other hand, is respected by all of his teammates, and has earned all that's been given to him, except last year's salary, which he received despite missing nearly the entire season with a broken wrist.

"But I'm back with a vengeance this year," Pennington explains. "Sure, the wrist may hang a little loose, but I'm guaranteeing a victory over the Bengals."

Historically, guaranteeing a win over the Bengals hasn't been saying much, but Pennington backs his words up anyway with two touchdown passes. Palmer endures a tough opener, but finds solace in a kegger with some USC fraternity brothers. Jets win, 27-20.

Oakland @ Pittsburgh

Those fools in the Pittsburgh front office actually gave coach Bill Cowher a two-year contract extension? I guess hovering in mediocrity is more important to them than winning a Super Bowl, because we all know that Pittsburgh won't win a Super Bowl with Cowher at the helm.

But give Cowher some credit; he knows a good thing when he has it -- a job. If they want him to keep it and pay him well, that's their prerogative.

"I can go 8-8 and get paid for the rest of my life," a content Cowher explains.

And that's exactly what he'll probably do this year: lead the Steelers to an 8-8 record. But in the process, the Steelers may find that Ben Roethlisberger is their quarterback of the future. Actually, it will probably take them less than three weeks to realize that; Tommy Maddox will either play terribly and/or have his spine busted again, opening the door for Roethlisberger.

In Oakland, where owner Al Davis knows when to can a coach, Norv Turner takes over for the departed Bill Callahan. Davis also brought in free agents Warren Sapp, Ted Washington, and Kerry Collins. Sapp and Washington should shore up a woeful Raiders rush defense, while Collins will bring an extensive knowledge of alcoholism to Raiders camp, and may also get the starting nod at quarterback over Rich Gannon, who won an NCAA basketball championship with N.C. State years ago and now announces figure skating play-by-play (I'm sorry, that's Terry Gannon).

Anyway, the Raider D-line wreaks havoc, and Ty Wheatley scores on two short touchdown runs. Oakland wins, 23-14.

Tampa Bay @ Washington

"There's the old sheriff in town," crows Joe Gibbs as he meets Jon Gruden before kickoff at FedEx Field, "and his name is still Joe Gibbs. I'm kicking it old-school, and by old, I mean when winning one Super Bowl wasn't jack squat. You hear me, Gruden? You had to win at least two to be somebody, and three to be me. I'll shake your hand when you've won two more bowls and a couple of NASCAR championships. And one more thing: don't think I wouldn't have busted Art Monk's lips if he ever got in my face like Keyshawn Johnson did with you."

Gruden is then plowed by a Home Depot-sponsored golf cart driven by Tony Stewart, who whisks Gibbs back to the sideline. Officials wave the caution while crews remove Gruden and debris from the playing field.

Back on the Buc sideline, Gruden dusts himself off, grimaces, and consults with Chuckie in the Tampa Bay box upstairs. Chuckie informs Gruden to have linebacker Derrick Brooks shadow Clinton Portis, and on offense, look for the deep ball, just not to holdout Keenan McCardell.

The plan works like a charm. Portis is held to 75 yards rushing, and Brad Johnson hits rookie Michael Clayton with a touchdown bomb. Gruden gets last laugh. Tampa Bay, 30-20.

Dallas @ Minnesota

Hey, Randy (Moss), what did you do during the offseason? Well, besides smoking dope and picking your 'fro out on a daily basis.

"Let me tell you what I did, player," says Moss. "You're right about the dope and the 'fro, but I also cut me a sweet deal with the people down at Ronco. We gots the Mad Skillz version of the Foreman Grill. We gone call it "The Mad Skillet." Come on over to this studio kitchen while we film this infomercial. Look at this. Isn't she a beauty? Not only can this thing fry two slices of bologna in minutes, but I discovered that you can cook heroin and sterilize a knife in case you need to remove a bullet from yourself or an accomplice, I mean friend."

Wow! How much for all this, Randy?

"It's simple," adds Moss. "Just nine easy payments of $49.99, plus shipping costs of four easy payments of $21.99. Sorry, no C.O.D.'s."

While the friendly order clerks at Ronco headquarters handle the Madd Rush on Madd Skillets, Moss leads the Vikes to an easy, 28-10 destruction of the Cowboys. As usual, the Minnesota offense shines, but the defense steps up, too, harassing Vinnie Testeverde into two interceptions and limiting Eddie George to 2.7 yards (that's rushing yards, not yards per rush).

Kansas City @ Denver

Chiefs cornerback Dexter McCleon fires the first bullet in the war of words with the hated Broncos when he vows that "Clinton Portis will not score five touchdowns on us as he did last year."

That's a bold statement coming from a Kansas City defender, even bolder when you consider that Portis no longer plays for Denver. When informed of this fact, the cocky McCleon replies curtly, "See, I'm right already."

Since no Denver player has the necessary cockiness to properly reply to McCleon's statement, the Broncos jet in retired tight end and world-class trash-talker Shannon Sharpe to respond.

"Let's see," the witty Sharpe replies. "Dexter McKlingon. The closest he's ever came to All-Pro is feeding his dog Alpo. He tackles like Deion Sanders. If speed were brains, he's still be an idiot. If interceptions were contraception, he'd have 12 kids. Dex might have to think about that one for a while."

While McCleon tries to figure out whether Sharpe's last statement was a crack or a compliment, he's burned by Ashley Lelie for a 55-yard touchdown strike. 7-0 Broncos.

The Chiefs bounce right back with Priest Holmes' signature seven-yard touchdown run.

It's tooth and nail to the very end, when a controversial interference call on Champ Bailey sets up Morten Anderson's 24-yard game winner, which barely clears the crossbar. The Chiefs celebrate a 27-24 victory, while Denver coach Mike Shanahan goes ballistic, turning a shade of red that sometime in the future Crayola will dub "Enraged Shanahan Red."

Green Bay @ Carolina

Very few experts are picking the Panthers to successfully defend their NFC Championship. In fact, not many people can even remember that the Panthers were in the Super Bowl. What's up with that? If a team in one year can win two or so overtime games, win a couple of others on the last play, block a field goal to save another game, and win every single close game they're involved in, who has the right to say they can't do it again?

"Nobody, pal," explains Panther quarterback and good ol' boy Jake Delhomme. "Last year was God's way of making up to us all that had gone wrong with our franchise in years past, with the deaths and murders and assaults and what not. This year, we're praying for the Super Bowl win, and hopefully, our prayers will be answered, preferably by Jesus Christ."

The Panthers will no doubt need a little guidance from above to surpass last year's success, but they can also do so with talent, especially on defense. Carolina boasts one of the game's best defenses, and this group makes life miserable for Brett Favre and Ahman Green. Green is whacked into two fumbles and Favre throws two interceptions, leading the Panthers to an easy 24-10 victory. Thank you, Jesus.