You've heard about "M. Night Shyamalan's The Village."
I've seen "M. Night Shyamalan's The Village."
And now, dear readers, I will reveal what you see at the end of "M. Night Shyamalan's The Village":
"This Motion Picture is protected under laws of the United States and other countries. Any unauthorized exhibition, distribution or reproduction of this motion picture or videotape or any part thereof (including the soundtrack) may result in severe civil and criminal penalties."
There ... we can all get on with our lives now. Here's another edition of our world-famous current events quiz.
No. 2 pencils only, or else the Scantron won't record your answers:
1. The Dallas Cowboys' cutting of Quincy Carter will benefit which person or persons the most?
A. Michael Irvin, who may one day not be the first name that comes up when you Google "dallas cowboys and cocaine."
B. The Cowboys' offensive line, which will no longer have to block for a quarterback with "those nose-candy Jimmy legs."
C. Mount Kilimanjaro, which will look like Dave Meggett when compared to Dallas starter Vinny Testaverde's mobility.
D. Bill Parcells apologists, who will applaud his tough drug-test policy about 15 years after Lawrence Taylor helped him win two Super Bowls by keeping a teammate's urine in an aspirin bottle in his pocket in order to beat the test.
2. NASCAR has confirmed that it is bringing its Busch racing series to Mexico City next season. Which of the following can fans most expect to see?
A. Caution flags waving as drivers are permitted one "Montezuma's Revenge" lap per race.
B. The winner determined by which car has the largest statue of a saint on either its dashboard or rear window.
C. Chaos reign as drivers are kidnapped by drug cartels during their pit stops and held for ransom.
D. Trunks to be thoroughly searched after each race, to ensure no potential day laborers are seeking safe passage to El Paso.
3. Which of the following could Mike Tyson realistically still punch-out at this point in his career?
A. Glass Joe
B. Soda Popinski
C. "Hurricane" Peter McNeeley
D. Robin Givens
4. The Hollywood Reporter reports that two former writers from the TV series "Growing Pains" will remake the Richard Pryor/Jackie Gleason classic "The Toy" (1982). The single funniest thing about "The Toy" remains:
A. The Death of Wonder Wheel.
B. The fact that U.S. Bates' (Jackie Gleason) buxom Southern belle wife pronounced his name "you ass."
C. Pryor's line, while causing havoc at a Klan rally at Gleason's mansion by riding on a go-kart and throwing dessert entrees at people's faces: "How 'bout some Eskimo Pie, Grand Wizard?"
D. The fact that Scott Schwartz not only got his tongue stuck to a flag pole in "A Christmas Story," not only grew up to become a porno actor in films like "Dirty Bob's Xcellent Adventures 35," but was called "Master Bates" throughout his role as Eric Bates in "The Toy."
5. After their upset defeat to Team Italy, members of the U.S. men's basketball team dined on:
A. Crow
B. Pasta Prima Donna
C. Groupies.
6. Little progress was made in a four-hour negotiating session between the NHL and its players' union this week. Actually, the four hours were spent:
A. Finding new ways to poorly market Jarome Iginla.
B. Playing the newest NHL-sanctioned arcade game: "Todd Bertuzzi's Whack-A-Moore."
C. Watching NHL commissioner Gary Bettman run on his wheel for a while before falling asleep in the shredded newspaper at the bottom of his cage.
D. Administering a head-count of every self-identified Carolina Hurricanes fan.
7. Which one of these is NOT an actual fantasy team name being used by yours truly this year?
A. Mendoza's Heroes (Baseball)
B. Dykstra's Mouth Cancer (Baseball)
C. FrenchKissingNamaths (Football)
D. RickyWilliamsBongLoad (Football)
8. The Chicago Cubs traded for Red Sox star Nomar Garciaparra because:
A. They hope Harry Carey will one day rise from his grave to absolutely f--king butcher Nomar's last name.
B. They too have missed seeing Mia Hamm since the demise of the WUSA.
C. Just in case Steve Bartman shows up against for the postseason, they wanted a Bostonian for swift "Boondock Saints"-style beatdown.
D. Ditka refused to run for their vacancy at shortstop.
9. The most remarkable thing about the film "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" is:
A. Two friends would endure a night of wacky hijinks for burgers so greasy they actually pass through your entire digestive system in under 9.8 seconds.
B. Two young non-Caucasians are shown inside a White Castle and neither one is behind the counter.
C. The role of "Kumar" was not played by Fisher Stevens.
D. There was actually a pot comedy filmed without an appearance by Snoop Dog.
10. A humorous 10th question would top off this column had it not been for the invention of:
A. KaZaA
B. No Limit Texas Hold 'Em
C. Celebrity Fake Nudes
D. Canadian Club and Coke
Good night, and god bless...
Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
Leave a Comment