There have only been two truly memorable, brutal, violent, why-aren't-these-guys-locked-up baseball fights.
The first was named one of the top-five most unusual moments in baseball history by The Sporting News: Juan Marichal going all Captain Caveman-like on John Roseboro in 1965. The Giants' Marichal sent the Dodgers' Maury Wills and Ron Fairly diving for dirt with two pitches early in the game. When Juan stepped up to the plate to bat in the third at Candlestick, Los Angeles catcher Roseboro decided on a novel attempt at revenge: a brushback from behind the plate.
He tossed the ball close to Marichal's face on his throws back to Sandy Koufax. Roseboro would say after the game that he expected some retaliation from Marichal, but wasn't afraid because he had "studied karate" -- proving once and for all that a Major League catcher and a skinny white nerd from the suburbs getting harassed by jocks have more in common than previously thought.
Faced with both balls flying past his chin and an amateur ninja crouched behind him, Marichal did what any rational individual would do in his situation ... and clubbed Roseboro on the melon with his bat. He opened a wound that would require 14 stitches to close; more importantly, he set off a glorious 14-minute bench-clearing brawl that makes the hug-fests of today's BaseBrawls seem like Promise Keepers meetings by comparison.
Marichal got eight games and a $1,750 fine which, adjusted for inflation, would be about $10 billion today.
The second greatest baseball fight of all-time occurred during a 1988 game between the Seattle Mariners and the California Angels. After the Angels' catcher failed to put away an easy pop-up by Seattle shortstop Armando Criscione, he caught the light-hitting Mariner in a rundown at second base.
Then, for some reason, the home plate umpire came out and intercepted a throw by the second baseman to first. The ump then throws the ball to Criscione (who should have been out right then and there), and Criscione throws it back. Then the home plate ump and the second base ump begin throwing balls at each other, leading announcer Curt Gowdy to exclaim, "I know this is going to sound hard to believe, but the UMPIRES have Criscione in a rundown..."
Long story short, Criscione slides back into first, the home plate umpire calls him safe, and then begins bumping and kicking dirt on another umpire calling him out for running out of the baseline. Tempers flared, and the scoreboard operator decided to take matters into his own hands, calling it the third out of the top of the seventh.
Then all hell broke loose. The home plate umpire runs across the field and tackles Angels rightfielder Reggie Jackson, who was walking slowly over to introduce himself to the Queen of England in her field box. This brings every single player out of the California and Seattle dugouts for a massive brawl that included broken bottles, flying bodies and at least one chair shot.
Meanwhile, Jackson -- in what was later determined to be an elaborate assassination attempt -- is crushed when the home plate umpire hits a rather large female fan with a tranquilizer dart and she falls on Reggie from the upper deck. But this was no mere umpire; it was actually international opera star Enrico Pallazzo in disguise!
The brawl ended when, on the Jumbotron, Pallazzo later tells Priscilla Presley that "the love of a man and a woman doesn't amount to a hill of beans ... but this is our hill, and these are our beans."
As you can see, skirmishes like last weekend's Yankees/Red Sox melee have a pretty high standard to reach. And it didn't even get close to hitting it.
(And why are the Yankees fighting the Red Sox, anyway? Why does the team of 26 world championships bother with the team that hasn't won one since the Wilson Administration? Isn't this like Hulk Hogan, circa 1987, giving Moondog Spot a title shot?)
Talk about much ado about nothing. The worst injury to come out of the fight was a cut on the ear of New York pitcher Tanyon Sturtze, who also suffered -- get ready -- a bruised right pinky finger. What a warrior!
(Keep in mind that 18 years ago, these two franchises had a fight that left Boston's Bill Lee with a broken collarbone.)
Baseball fights are, of course, the biggest joke in professional sports not named Bruce Ratner. Nothing ever happens besides a lot of hugging and posing and tough guy stances ... which means there's not much difference between a BaseBrawl and the majority of Tom Cruise's movies.
Think of a real brawl, in the parking lot of biker bar or something. Then think of a BaseBrawl. And then read the following:
IN A REAL BRAWL: You fight over a girl.
IN A BASEBRAWL: You fight ... like a girl.
IN A REAL BRAWL: Using your mind is as important as using your fists.
IN A BASEBRAWL: Robin Ventura loses his mind and runs into Nolan Ryan's Hall of Fame hamhock. (Seriously, Peter McNeely put up a better fight in 11 seconds against Tyson.)
IN A REAL BRAWL: Cops swarm the area to break up the fight.
IN A BASEBRAWL: Umpires spring into action ... before tiring about five feet from the mound, dropping to their knees, and imagining a giant triple-cheeseburger is hovering over them like the spaceship from ID4.
IN A REAL BRAWL: You always have to watch out for the "old school" guys, who'll go for your eyes first and then beat you down with their designer shoes.
IN A BASEBRAWL: The "old school" guy is an 80-year-old bench coach that looks like the Crank Yankers' version of Popeye, and whose main plan of attack is to pick the skinniest Dominican on the field and bull-rush him like Rhino from the "Spider-Man" comics.
IN A REAL BRAWL: Worst Case Scenario -- you're name will appear in the local weekly paper's Police Beat.
IN A BASEBRAWL: Worst Case Scenario -- you'll be the fifth highlight on the 1 AM SportsCenter, as some overeager "Dream Job" winner likens your fight to "Ja Rule and DMX's possees having a throw-down. BOO-YAAAAA!"
The only purpose BaseBrawls serve is as a marketing tool for Major League Baseball and its dependants. That's why you'll never see a 20-game suspension for leaving the dugout. Because then players wouldn't, ya dig?
It's the same argument people have about hockey fights. If the league wanted to eradicate them, it could levy huge suspensions on players that fight.
The difference is, of course, that hockey is a contact sport and fights serve their purpose (no specifics ... that's an entirely different column). Baseball fights seem to exist because a pitcher has the nerve to throw inside, and the players need an excuse to adjust another guy's cup for 10 minutes.
The bottom line is that the majority of the media labels a hockey fight as barbarian, and a baseball fight as another chapter in the storied history of an intense rivalry. But that's typical of a media that'll do anything to see hockey eliminated from the American sports landscape, but will ignore nearly every cancerous ill affecting baseball just so they can satisfy their inner child.
One more difference: unlike Jason Varitek, hockey players drop their gloves...
ESPN GETS DIRRRRRRRTY
Two actual headlines from ESPN.com this week:
"DNA evidence on table for Kobe hearing Friday"
"Rangers take whiff of Angels' Colon"
So, is this just the work of clever, yet horny, summer interns, or has Chris Berman officially given up the nickname schtick in favor of overt sexual double entendres? (In which case, we sure do wish Marion Butts was still active in the NFL...)
WE GET HATE MAIL
Well, the 'ol inbox has been full of feedback for "Gold Medal Mess," my column on Olympic security. Most have called me an idiot, an asshole or, worse yet, "an Albanian." This one is at least semiliterate. It's a bit long, but impassioned. I'll respond to the personal attacks at the end...
Mr Wyshynski,
It is truly disturbing, deeply problematic for someone to see your deliberate and malicious attempt to badmouth Greece in your "Gold Medal Mess" article of yours, of July 17, 2004 on the issue of Olympic safety.
It is a collection of manipulated facts and perspectives, negative only info-items, all put together so to create a frightening, a terror hyped atmosphere to your readers. In fact its your messy article that should take a gold medal, gold for miserable negativity, cruel bias towards Greece, and for journalistic incompetence.
You argue in your dramatic Lead, that American athletes are facing the very real, very dangerous threat of local and national (meaning probably international) terrorists but also from criminals! in Greece but sir, don't you know that Greece has no enemies, and that Athens is THE safest capital in the whole of Europe! (just read the statistics) that since of summer 2002 its home grown terror group is dismantled ?! Where exactly do you see the very dangerous threat sir?
You mislead your readers by focusing only on the security measures taken - or not taken yet - by the Greeks, refusing to explore the geopolitical position of that country vis-a-vis the rest of the world, and on the issue of terrorism. So you ignore to mention that Greece is a country that: a) does not have problems with Islamic separatism (like the Russians do) b) does not have militaristic or political proximity to Israel (the Jewish targets in Turkey) c) did not participate in the wars in Afghanistan or Iraq (the bombings in Madrid, Spain) d) does not have any al Qaeda cells on its soil.
You ignore to mention the June statement of Interpol's Secretary General Ronald Noble from Helsinki, that talked of no known threats to the August Games, between many other such statements even from US officials! Why sir?
Why the malicious propaganda against Greece?
You talk about personal backround check that "thousands of workers who constructed Olympic facilities in Athens never passed" but sir such measures were never planned by Greek authorities for the simple reason that only the last two years the issue of safety became such a priority (because of 9-11).
It is very disingenuous and unfair to blame the Greeks, when these people are paying ENORMOUS sums of money - money they didn't have to pay when they took the Games in 1997 - to protect primarily American but also British and Israeli athletes and in addition for dangers they, the Greeks, did not create! So you are disrespectful, super-arrogant and biased when you comment ironically on the efforts of the Greeks on security ( 3rd & 8th paragraphs ). You shouldn't.
You are false when you say in your 10th paragraph that geography and history play a role on the probability of a terror threat. Recent history proves exactly the opposite! (Oklahoma, Atlanta, New York, Bali etc)
You are false when you quote the AP that the Olympic Stadium will be completed on August 11, 2004, since the Greek Olympic trials took place there a month and a half ago, a fact that anyone who covers the Olympics know. Strangely you don't.
You are a racist when you say in your 23rd paragraph that we should blame the French if an attack occurs in Greece.
You lie in your 5th paragraph when you say that immigrants coming from Albania and FYROM are not checked, since the Greek state has agreed with all of its neighbors, including Turkey, to patrol more attentively their respected borders.
Continuing with your miserable negativity you involve, in your 22nd paragraph, the four-hour blackout in Athens with the ability of the Greek special forces to deal with potential terrorists although the link between them is hard to comprehend. Are you arguing that potential terrorists will wait until a new blackout so to attack or that the blackout will affect the performance of the seven nation secret agents or the Greek security forces ?! Sir, even to laugh is difficult.
You are an hypocrite to talk about low ticket sales, since it is biased articles like this one the threat that make people in the Anglo-American world avoiding a trip to Greece and to the Games. This fact was actually reported recently in a UK media outlet. You ignore also to mention that the majority of the unsold tickets are of average or low price, and most of them will be bought more likely right before or during the Games.
Finally your kicker - as with your title and Lead - take as a given your "passionate agenda " but an agenda that is not journalism sir. Strangely Mr Jewell, the security guard from Atlanta gives an appropriate spin, a spin your article fairly deserves: Leave the security forces alone to do their job Mr Wyshynski and get a life!
Maybe then you will understand the importance of doing fair and responsible journalism away of nationalistic hysterias and you
will stop abusing your privileged position to attack the CHARACTER of Greece, France or any other country your biased agenda yearns for.
Nico Paul Nicolaides
This guy made one great point: being a sports columnist is a privileged position, because otherwise you're just some guy writing 907-word e-mails to a sports columnist you disagree with; I'll take the former every time.
While it's true that Greek officials have made strides against domestic terrorism, it's still as much an issue as international terror. The British Foreign and Commonwealth Office, for example, has this advisory for travelers to the Summer Games:
"Domestic anarchist groups remain active. So far their actions have primarily been directed against the Greek state, Greek institutions and commercial and diplomatic interests. Incidents have often involved the use of improvised explosive devices aimed at causing material damage. Two recent incidents have targeted UK commercial interests."
At one point, I think this guy called me a racist for saying if there's an attack at the Games, we should try to "pin it all on the French."
Yes, I'm a racist, just like you have an incredible aptitude for detecting sarcasm, Nic...
My new friend must have been all worn out when he skipped over an entire section in my column about Amnesty International slamming the Greek government for multiple human rights violations, racial profiling, and for not defining what "terror acts" are in its legal language. In case you're interested, it's paragraph 13, Nic...
Look, I don't have the time or the interest to do a point-by-point rebuttal of this letter. But since the column was published, we've seen:
1. American, Israeli, and British security officers and over 400 U.S. special forces granted permission to be armed and present around their respective athletes at the Games. This comes after Greek officials originally objected their initial request, citing "Greek law."
2. Australian Prime Minister Michael Howard say he is worried about the safety of his country's athletes: "I cannot honestly say to you that I am certain that they are going to be fully protected." (Reuters)
3. A sudden failure of almost 50,000 phone lines in northern Athens, which left key Olympic venues without connections for hours. (Reuters ... but then again, the phones won't matter in a blackout, anyway.)
Look, Greece should be applauded for spending as much as it has on security, and for bringing in NATO and international military experts to assist. But to completely dismiss charges that Athens was behind on its construction and, therefore, its security measures, is asinine. But no more so than claiming that most of the tickets still available for events "will be bought more likely right before or during the Games."
That's 3.1 million tickets, according to the Associated Press.
Hope you have a big family, Nic. Thanks for reading...
Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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