Calling The Shots - Edition #91
By Ryan
Noonan
Thursday, May 1st, 2003
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MLS: Guaranteed to Put You to Sleep
Just in case you didn't notice, the MLS season has kicked off again. And
we all know what this means ... another summer of cursing the television
when we turn on ESPN only to find a 0-0 match between the New York/New Jersey/New
Pair of Socks Metro Stars and the New England Revolution.
Watching that does sound like fun. Or, maybe I could just stick a fork in
my leg and twist it around a bit.
I love sports. I love playing them, watching them, talking about them, and
writing about them. I consider myself to be a sports nut. As a kid, I was
always out in the front yard, playing whatever the current sport in season
happened to be.
Not only can I tell you what team won the World Series from the '83 season
to the present, I can also tell you who lost. I can sit down and watch a
college basketball game from start to finish, no matter what two teams are
playing. If you were ever curious as to which team has the worst-record in
the Super Bowl, I'd be the guy to ask. And although I'm not quite as skilled
in hockey knowledge, I still enjoy the game.
However, there is one sport that has never sparked my interest. One sport,
for me, is more frustrating than exciting to watch.
Soccer.
For me, the most interesting thing about soccer is how so many people can
enjoy it.
Watching a soccer game kind of reminds me of watching a (pre-"Meet the Parents")
Robert DeNiro movie.
I know the talent is there, I know there are a lot of people who enjoy it,
but I'd rather spend my time watching paint dry.
I played soccer as a kid, I try to watch the World Cup every four years,
and I have a number of friends who really enjoy it. But no matter how many
times I've tried to watch it -- or play it, for that matter -- I can't find
anything appealing about it.
Guy has an open breakaway. Guy gets tackled and loses the ball. A midfielder
places a perfect pass to a forward streaking to the goal, but the play is
called back because the forward is offsides. Someone has an open shot, but
the ball sails 15 feet above the goal.
Will someone please give me the remote? Maybe the USA Network is showing
a rerun of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.
When I say the sport is boring, I don't want to take anything away from the
players themselves. I have played soccer before. I know how demanding and
physically exhausting the game can be. If you are a collegiate player, you're
running around as hard as you can for an hour and a half. No other sport
I can think of is nearly that demanding. It requires discipline and a serious
amount of stamina.
Football, baseball, hockey, basketball players -- they all get breaks to
rest during the game, soccer players go non-stop. It's a lot harder to play
the game than it actually looks. All that fancy ball movement and those fierce
shots do not just happen by accident.
No matter how long I practiced or how hard I tried, I could never get passed
the "toe kick" when taking a shot on goal. Like the old saying goes, "those
who can, do ... those who can't, teach" ... or, in this case, write.
Those guys you see playing soccer on television (for the brief moment it's
actually on, while you decide what else to watch), in my mind, are some of
the best athletes in the world. It's just a shame the sport they play could
put a test rat on speed to sleep.
I have seen soccer on all levels, either on television or in person. I come
from a high school that finished first in the nation my freshman year and
a college that is consisently ranked in the top-10. And I've attended more
than a few games at Arrowhead Stadium to see the Kansas City Wizards play.
Let me reassure anyone who hasn't seen it on all these levels; it doesn't
change much. The talent level increases and the game play is not as sloppy
when you get to the college and professional level, but the game does not
get any more exciting.
Honestly, the most excited I've ever been when viewing a soccer game was
watching my 9-year-old brother score his first goal. It was the first and
only time I was watching soccer and wishing I was anywhere else.
What brings these feelings of boredom and apathy -- could I just be too lazy
to care about soccer?
My attention span has been compared to a toddler who has had four cups of
coffee. But then how am I able to watch an entire baseball game without losing
interest once?
I used to put golf on television if I wanted to go to sleep, but as I've
gotten older, even that can be interesting to watch from time to time.
Not soccer; no matter who is playing or what kind of build up there has been,
I don't think I've ever really been captured by the excitement of a soccer
game.
I want great scoring and phenomenal saves. I want a game where offsides doesn't
exist. I want to come out of a game feeling like I put my heart out there
with the guys on the field.
Soccer just doesn't give me that. Long passes and intercepts, slide tackles,
and free kicks -- they don't do it for me. A 0-0 tie after 90 minutes is
not too much fun to watch. Sure, sometimes we get to see penalty kicks at
the end, but why can't they just do that at the beginning and save everyone
the time of watching the game?
Maybe it's just me. I suppose I could be alone in my feelings about soccer.
There was a lot of talk about soccer really taking off in the United States
after the World Cup a few years ago, and while the MLS is still functioning,
it doesn't get nearly as much coverage as the rest of the major sporting
leagues. I don't think soccer will ever catch on here in America like the
other sports have. It's just too boring.
Then again, it could be worse. It could be the WNBA. Don't even get me started
on that.
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