Calling The Shots - Edition #88
By Ryan
Noonan
Thursday, March 13th, 2003
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American League Cheat Sheet
"The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them
-- as is my understanding..."
- Bart Simpson
All of which can mean only one thing, baseball's Opening Day can't be too
far behind.
If you're like most people, you've spent the offseason huddled in a corner,
surrounded by last years' stat sheets for all 30 MLB teams and the "Transactions"
section of that day's newspaper.
Or maybe that's just me.
But for those of you who didn't quite follow what happened during the offseason,
you would now be clueless when it comes to the "baseball water cooler
discussion."
It is with those of you in mind that I present, the "American League Preview
Cheat Sheet."
So read on, then go out and impress your friends with your intensive baseball
knowledge. Or read on and find out what you should never say when your friends
are discussing. You've been warned.
Anaheim Angels
What to say:
- I'll be interested to see how Fransisco Rodriguez does over a full season.
- This is basically the same team that won the World Series last year. But
with everyone in the West determined to get better, I'm not sure if Anaheim
can repeat.
- I wonder if Jarrod Washburn's season was an aberration or if he can win
18 games again this year.
What not to say:
- I sure do love that Rally Monkey. That thing is so cute.
- The only reason anyone goes to see Anaheim play is when Disneyland is too
crowded.
- Those Thundersticks were a great idea during the World Series. I hope they
catch on.
Baltimore Orioles
What to say:
- The only guy to hit at least 15 homeruns and bat over .255 was 73-year-old
Jeff Conine.
- I'm interested to see how Jay Gibbons improves this year. He actually looks
like a good young slugger.
- If our young pitchers improve this season, we could make a run at the wildcard.
What not to say:
- Man, I sure hope Albert Belle is over his hip injury.
- Peter Angelos sure knows his baseball. He's like George Steinbrenner, only
smarter.
Boston Red Sox
What to say:
- If somehow we can get a third starting pitcher that can win 15 games, this
will be our year.
- So he's not Jason Giambi, but David Ortiz has to be an upgrade at first
from Tony Clark.
- Those f*#^!@& Yankees, I hope Jose Contreras chokes on a peanut.
What not to say:
- I can't wait to fit my fat ass into one of those Fenway seats.
- I'm not sure, I like the Red Sox, but I like the, Yankees too. Why can't
I like both?
- One bad play shouldn't ruin Bill Buckner's career. (Actually, it's probably
best to never mention Buckner when discussing the Red Sox. Especially if
there is alcohol being consumed.)
Chicago White Sox
What to say:
- It is amazing how a single pitcher like Bartolo Colon can send us from
middle of the pack to division favorites.
- Magglio Ordonez is a superstar waiting to happen. If I had my choice between
him or Ken Griffey, Jr., I'm taking Mags every day of the week.
- I'd put Ordonez, Paul Konerko and the 1994 Frank Thomas up against any
three hitters in the American League.
What not to say:
- How come the White Sox organization refuses to get any good pitching?
- If you show up early to a game, don't go right into the ballpark, walk
around neighborhood for a while, it's really safe.
- If it comes down to Billy Koch having to save Game 7 for us, I'd feel pretty
confident.
Cleveland Indians
What to say:
- @#%& Thome.
- @#%& Thome.
- @#%& Thome.
- Who the @#%& is Travis Hafner?
What not to say:
- Its so hard to find a ticket to the game these days.
- I've got money on Omar Vizquel if he and Jose Mesa ever fight it out.
- At least the AL Central is weak enough that we should have no problem,
even though we're running out of stars.
Detroit Tigers
What to say:
- The bad news is we let Randall Simon and Robert Fick, our two best hitters,
leave town. The good news is that we weren't wiped off the map by a giant
fiery asteroid.
- If things get bad, maybe new manager Alan Trammell will grab a batting
helmet and add himself to the roster.
- If Carlos Pena doesn't hit 20 homeruns, no one will.
What not to say:
- If only Barry Sanders would play baseball, all of our problems would be
solved.
- Hey, the Tigers decided to use the same motto that Marty Mornhinweg had
for this season ... that's a good sign, right?
- We don't suck.
Kansas City Royals
What to say:
- Mike Sweeney, Carlos Beltran, Joe Randa, Raul Ibanez, Angel Berroa; If
these guys have good seasons, this will be a potent Royals offense.
- What are you complaining about, you can get an $8 ticket into Kaufman Stadium,
then go sit right behind the third base dugout. Plus, if you see a friend
on the other side of the ballpark, you don't have to go over to say hi, you
can just yell across the diamond, he'll hear you.
- We may lose 100 games again, but we won't be as bad as the Tigers.
What not to say:
- So they lost their two winningest starters and their only closer, at least
they got something in return...
- How come I don't see George Brett's name in the starting lineup, is he
hurt or what?
- I still have a good feeling about Mark Quinn, I think he'll do great things
in a Royals uniform.
Minnesota Twins
What to say:
- There is no reason to believe we can't repeat. All we lost was Ortiz to
the Red Sox and Eric Milton to an injury. The White Sox are good, but we're
still the team to beat.
- I don't think Torii Hunter has peaked yet. If he can continue to get better,
he'll have the talent and the personality to rival Kirby Puckett.
- Signing Kenny Rogers could be a good thing. Remember, he won 13 games and
had an ERA under 4.00 last season.
What not to say:
- I've put my vote in for Carl Pohlad as Owner of the Year.
- If we're lucky, maybe we can get Jose Conseco out for a workout, he'd fit
in perfectly with this team.
- Anything involving contraction.
New York Yankees
What to say:
- Let me get this straight, Jeff Weaver was a No. 1 starter now he's fighting
for the fifth spot on the rotation with Jose Contreras (15 runs in eight
innings) and Sterling Hitchcock (9.00 spring ERA)?
- I don't care what Derrick Jeter is doing when he's not playing, all I know
is that his numbers aren't going up.
- It's been two years without a single World Series win. If they don't improve
soon, I'm going to stop following them.
What not to say:
- Good news, I've just locked up David Wells to come give a talk on "commitment
to excellence" for the company.
- Joe Torre needs to get his stuff together if he wants to remain a manager.
That bum is starting to act like he belongs in Boston.
- Why won't George spend the money to get winners here?
Oakland Athletics
What to say:
- I think the biggest addition of the year might be Erubiel Durazo. No one
is expecting Giambi numbers, but Durazo could be another deadly bat if giving
a chance to play everyday.
- The guy may be a little ... off ... but if I'm picking a starting pitcher
to start a team, it would be hard to take anyone over Barry Zito.
- If Jermaine Dye is fully-recovered from the broken leg this season, we
have four guys that can hit 40 homeruns.
What not to say:
- I wish we had Koch back again this year.
- Losing Art Howe is really going to hurt this team, I don't see this Ken
Macha guy doing much.
- Oakland is too small of a market to be successful.
Seattle Mariners
What to say:
- Do you realize that Mike Cameron led the team with 25 homeruns? I don't
what kind of ballpark they play in, there are backup catchers hitting 25
homeruns.
- Lou Piniella left our team for what?
- Let's not forget Ichiro is just one year removed from an MVP award.
What not to say:
- With the A's and the Angels in our division, we may as well just pack it
up right now, we've got no chance.
- I'm really excited about Matt Hasselback this season, I think he's finally
ready.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
What to say:
- Aubrey Huff might be the best player to ever put on a Devil Ray uniform.
I say he makes it two months before we trade him for two packs of baseball
cards and a shoelace.
- Randy Winn leads our offense in almost every statistical category, so it's
probably best we shipped him off. Heaven forbid we don't end up with the
worst record in baseball.
- I give Piniella three weeks before he breaks down and flips out. (Although
you'd be wrong, it's already happened once.)
What not to say:
- Yes, I can name more than three players on the team.
- Sure, we can compete with the Yankees and Red Sox. We just didn't get a
few breaks last season.
Texas Rangers
What to say:
- Chan Ho Park bounces back this season and we're right in the middle of
the pennant race.
- If Herbert Perry, Hank Blalock, and Kevin Mench can build on their rookie
seasons, the lineup is going to be hard to stop.
- The simple fact that Hideki Irabu is no longer our closer has to count
for like 10 more wins.
What not to say:
- I wish A-Rod would be doing more to help the team.
- The Rangers are proof that if you spend tons of money on one guy, then
surround him with role players, you can win.
- It's good to know Rafael Palmeiro and I are both popping the same little
pill.
Toronto Blue Jays
What to say:
- They may not win right now, but with their pitching staff and group of
younger players, this could be a team that comes out of nowhere to surprise
some people.
- It sure would be nice to see Kelvin Escobar save a game without walking
eight guys in the process.
- Carlos Delgado hit 33 homeruns and it was a down year. If he can "bounce
back" to go along with Shannon Stewart, "Rookie of the Year" Eric Hinske,
young stud Josh Phelps, and the underrated Vernon Wells, the Jays are going
to be crossing the play all the time this season.
What not to say:
- America is trying to keep the Blue Jays down as punishment for them winning
the World Series a decade ago.
- I sure do wish we could get Raul Mondesi back. Sure, he was a clubhouse
cancer and his favorite letter was K, but you just know he's going to break
out sooner or later.
And there you have it. No matter who your friends or co-workers, (or complete
strangers waiting for the subway) are talking about, you'll be well enough
versed to take part without sounding like an idiot.
Unless they're talking about the National League. You'll have to wait a few
more weeks for that.
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