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Suddenly, it is time for the NFL playoffs. Seventeen weeks of gridiron action and all of a sudden, we're down to 12 teams. Over the next four weeks, those 12 will be whittled down to the Super Bowl champion.

But for some of us out there, the playoffs have come too quickly. We seemed to have missed the regular season. Who knows why? Maybe we watched baseball all the way through then turned on the college basketball games. Maybe we spend our Sunday's helping feed the poor, or too hung over to get out of bed. Or maybe we just don't like football all that much.

Too bad everyone else in America ... and some parts of Canada ... is talking about the playoffs. They're gathering around the water cooler at work. They're talking about it in class or the halls at school. They're debating it during free time at the prison. Everyone is talking about the playoffs; and you're feeling left out.

You want to be able to contribute to the conversations. You want to be a part of the group. You want to understand the jokes, or at least be able to pretend like you understand them. You want insightful things to add, or at the very least you don't want to sound like an idiot when you open your mouth.

Congratulations, you've come to the right place. Consider this a cheat sheet on the NFL playoffs. You're not going to learn the 2002 NFL season here, but you'll pick up some pointers for those water cooler discussions that are vital to workplace popularity. Even if you have no clue about football, by studying the following, you'll at least have clue what to say, and more importantly, what not to say, when trying to fit in with the guys. There are a few tips for every team, so no matter what comes up, you're covered.

Just remember, it's usually best to study a few teams closely, you don't want to go mixing anything up.

Atlanta Falcons

What to say:

"Wow, that Mike (or Michael, it's your call) Vick was incredible this year. But I think he still may be a year away from taking the Falcons to the Super Bowl."

"I'd feel a lot more confidant in Atlanta if they had some quality wide receivers. Vick has got it done so far this year with a bunch of no-names."

"These guys really need to get it done in the "red zone." They're not going to win too many playoff games by kicking field goals."

What not to say:

"I think the Falcons will only go as far as Jamal Anderson will carry them."

"Yeah, the Falcons could be good, until Chris Chandler has his usual concussion while eating breakfast, then they're screwed ... hahaha ... right?"

Note: And pretty much never do any sort of variation of the Dirty Bird. This will not make you look knowledgeable about football. It will make you look like a retarded duck.

Cleveland Browns

What to say:

"I'm a big fan of Kelly Holcomb. Tim Couch's leg injury might be a blessing in disguise. Holcomb seemed like he was a little bit better at getting the job done."

"The Browns seem a lot better than 9-7. They had some unlucky breaks and played every single team close this season. A few breaks in the playoffs and they could surprise their way into the Super Bowl."

"Between Quincy Morgan and William Green, Cleveland's offensive future looks really promising, even if they bow out early this season."

What not to say:

"Wait, I thought the Browns relocated to Baltimore."

"Is Bernie Kosar the backup this week, or is he getting the start?"

"Hi, my name is Dwayne Rudd."

Green Bay Packers

What to say:

"Losing home field advantage throughout the playoffs might have cost the Pack the Super Bowl."

"What do you think about Brett Favre's chances of retirement if they do win it all this year?"

"If Gilbert Brown, Darren Sharper, and Donald Driver are all out, the Packers could be victim to their first playoff loss at Lambeau Field this year."

What not to say:

"With Mike Holmgren at the helm, the Pack might be unstoppable. And he's a hell of a GM, too."

"These guys have a great run defense. That could catapult them into the big game."

"Remember that Antonio Freeman catch against the Vikings? That was awesome."

Indianapolis Colts

What to say:

"Marvin Harrison has been almost unstoppable. He absolutely shattered that receiving record this year. And he does it with almost no publicity."

"I'd worry about the running game if I was a Colts fan this year. Edgerrin James didn't even crack the 1,000-yard running mark and only scored two touchdowns. Teams that can't run the ball rarely win it all."

"I like what Tony Dungy has done with this team. I wonder if his coaching X's and O's is what might make the difference for the Colts this season."

What not to say:

"Wait, I thought they were the Baltimore Colts."

"Wait, I thought they are the Baltimore Ravens."

"Playoffs?!?! Playoffs?!?! We just want to win a stinkin' game!!!!"

New York Giants

What to say:

"The Giants are only scoring TDs about once in every three trips into the red zone. That's terrible, they're never going to get past San Francisco if they can't score."

"Jeremy Shockey has really come on after Ike Hilliard went down. He may not be able to carry New York through the playoffs, but he could be a real force if he plays like he has recently."

"They better rebound from last week's game. They might have won, but they sure looked sloppy. They need to hold on to that ball and execute a lot better if they expect to make any kind of impact this year."

What not to say:

"I really hope they pitch to Barry Bonds. If he gets hot, they'll be no stopping the Giants."

"Did they ever settle the Sims/Hostetler controversy? Who gets the start this week?"

"My wife loves shopping in New York, but I don't think it's worth fighting the traffic to get there."

New York Jets

What to say:

"I almost wrote the Jets off this season, but they finished better than anyone else. If there was one team I wouldn't want to play right now, it'd be the Jets."

"That Chad Pennington is really proving that he's a real deal NFL quarterback, I'm not sure if he'll hold his composure during the playoffs, but I like what I see for the future."

"If Curtis Martin gets hot and their defense can stop the passing game, I really like the Jets chances in the playoffs. They almost missed the playoffs, but I wouldn't bet against them winning it all right now."

What not to say:

"Chad Hutchinson is really proving that he's a real deal NFL quarterback. Without his help, the Jets would be no where."

"I think we should all go light a candle and say a prayer that Vinny Testaverde gets healthy this week. We're sure going to need him."

"Did they take their name from the "Westside Story" movie? Did you ever see that? It was really good. Kind of like 'Romeo and Juliet,' only it ended tragically."

(It's probably best to never say this, no matter where you are or what you're discussing.)

Oakland Raiders

What to say:

"My heart wants to dub the Raiders as the team to beat, but my head keeps reminding me of all their postseason chokes the last few years."

"If Rich Gannon ends up leading this team to the Super Bowl ring, I think he should start getting some Hall of Fame credibility. He was a late bloomer, but he might be the best quarterback in the league right now. And he just seems to get better every year."

"Man, the Raiders better win soon, I think the average age on the team is like 46 and they're only going to hold up for so long. If they don't win it this year, they may not be back."

What not to say:

"I'd like Oakland's chances better if they had some real wide receivers catching the ball."

"I'm glad the Raiders got home field advantage, this way they'll never have to leave Los Angeles."

"They'd be a lot better if they had an owner that actually liked football and knew something about the game."

Philadelphia Eagles

What to say:

"I'm amazed with the coaching job Andy Reid did after Donovan McNabb went out. The entire team seemed to rally around each other and each man seemed to step up their play."

"I'd be a little concerned for when McNabb comes back, he's been out for over a month and there is bound to be some rust. And the rest of the team might assume that they don't need to play as hard."

"If the Eagles are firing on all cylinders, and everyone is playing as well as they're capable, I don't think there is anyone who can beat them. If they all play up to their potential, the Eagles should win the Super Bowl.

What not to say:

"Remember when Rocky ran up all those steps with those people behind him, then started cheering when he got to the top? Why did he do that?"

"You know what song I like, that Bruce Springsteen song about Philadelphia ... I forget the name, but I sure hope they play it a few times."

"Hey, if you guys don't stop looking through that peephole, I'm going to tell the cheerleaders what you're doing."

Pittsburgh Steelers

What to say:

"The Steelers have looked dominating one week, then terrible the next. If the dominating team shows up four weeks in a row, they'll be champions."

"If Tommy Maddox really wants to complete his feel-good comeback story, he'll have to win at least one playoff game."

"Pittsburgh is going to have to stop the pass if they want to win anything. Otherwise, Cleveland is going to light them up like a friggin' Christmas tree."

What not to say:

"I think those Terry Bradshaw 1-800-Collect commercials are really funny. Especially the one with Alf. How that guy doesn't have his own TV show, I'll never know."

"I hope we play New England again this year because I want some payback from last year's terrible call. His arm was totally going forward."

"So, I was out having a quiet drink with Kordell Stewart last night..."

San Francisco 49ers

What to say:

"I'm not sure what I think about Terrell Owens' celebration antics, but as long as he keeps scoring touchdowns, I guess he can do whatever he wants."

"Do you know that opponents are converting almost 50% of third downs? The 49ers need to shore up their third down defense or that could come back to haunt them."

"That was a tough way to end the season against the Rams. No matter who is in the game, giving up 28 points in the fourth quarter and finishing the season like that could stick in the back of their heads going into the playoffs."

What not to say:

"Steve Lavin has done a heck of a job rebounding after last season."

"Do you think Jeff Garcia is ... you know ... not that there's anything wrong with that ... but ... come on ... do you think he is?"

"I've had this weird fungus on my toes for a few weeks and now it's spreading to other areas. Do you think that's something I need to get checked out?"

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

What to say:

"For as bad as he is, Brad Johnson has played extremely well in Jon Gruden's system. He might not be a top-flight quarterback, but he sure is getting the job done."

"I'm afraid if Tampa Bay can't run the football, they won't be able to get it done. If Michael Pittman can't get it going on the ground, the Bucs will be prime for an upset."

"I liken Tampa Bay's defense to the Baltimore Ravens' of two years ago. I'm not saying they're as good, but I think if Tampa Bay's D steps up and plays like it can, it could carry the team into the Super Bowl."

What not to say:

"The good thing about Tampa is that it doesn't matter where they play. The warm south or the Frozen Tundra, they're always a dangerous force."

"I think Warren Sapp would be so much better if he would just put a little fire and enthusiasm into his game."

"Wait, I thought the Green Bay Packers won the NFC Central?"

Tennessee Titans

What to say:

"Steve McNair is a real life soldier. He's putting this team on his back and carrying them right now. If he stays healthy and makes plays, there's no reason the Titans can't make some noise this month."

"What's happened to Eddie George? He got his 1,000 yards this year, but he's only averaging 3.4 yards per carry. He's forcing McNair to win games without him and sooner or later, McNair isn't going to get up from one of those hits."

"I'd feel more comfortable about Tennessee's chances if Jevon Kearse was completely healthy. Their defense is good, but can be exploited if the QB has time to throw."

What not to say:

"Wait a minute, the Volunteers can't play in the playoffs, they're a college team, not an NFL team ... idiot."

"Who the hell are the Tennessee Titans ... and when did Houston change their name to the Texans?"

"Man, I sure hope I hear Neil O'Donnell's name a lot this postseason."

That's it. Just study up a little bit and you'll have nothing to fear at the office or in school. Of course, if you still want one more, just to impress your friends and coworkers to no end, you can always use my favorite quote:

"So hey, who's ready for another season of some XFL football?"

Use it wisely and it can be your best friend, but if it backfires on you, I disavow any knowledge of it. (That pretty much goes for the rest of them, too.)

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