Print   Recommend

Every Thanksgiving, we (I) bring the movie out of storage and fire it up. Then we (I) laugh at the same jokes we've (I've) seen a thousand times. Throughout the Christmas season, it is not unthinkable for me to see the movie eight or nine times. And no matter how many times I've seen it, there are parts that still kill me.

The neighbors; Clark putting down a light bulb and Eddie unknowingly smashing it with dog food; the mom passed out on the rug; my mom yelling at me to fast forward past the "pool scene" so we can protect my little brother for almost seeing a naked woman. I could go on for hours, there are so many things that make this movie hysterical.

Somehow, I had to capture the spirit of this movie and bring it to you, my readers. And the best way to do that is to combine it with another one of my favorite things to do: handing out "Unique End of the Year Awards." So this year, I've combined two of my favorite things. This year's "Unique End of the Year Awards" will be coming to you in the form of Christmas vacation quotes.

Notice I said "unique," not "original."

So without any further ado, I bring to you the CTS "Unique End of the Year Awards in the Form of Christmas Vacation Quotes!"

- The "Surprised? Eddie, if I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now." Award goes to ...

The Anaheim Angeles for one of the most improbable runs in MLB history. Maybe I just wasn't paying close enough attention, but I don't even think I heard the words "Angeles" and "playoffs" in the same sentence until the middle of September. In a matter of two months, they went from the forgotten West Coast team to World Series Champions.

- The "What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nut house?" Award goes to ...

Jim Mora. I know it was last year, but I still love watching that "Playoffs?" speech he gave. Then, of course, there was the, "there's a lot of stuff you don't know" speech before his firing this year. The guy gives the best press conferences in all of sports.

- The "Remember: Don't try this at home, kids. I'm a professional." Award goes to ...

Jeff Kent for breaking his arm while "washing his car." Or maybe for "falling off a motorcycle." Either way, he beat out of the guys of "Jackass" for this award. Congratulations, Jeff.

- The "That's pretty low, mister. If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you with--" Award goes to ...

That jackass Arizona disc-jockey who called Daryl Kyle's widow and asked if she needed a date to the St. Louis/Arizona playoff game. He was fired because of the incident, but he should have had a few teeth knocked out, as well.

- The "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?" Award goes to ...

Ken Griffey, Jr. What the hell happened here? Three years ago, Griffey is on his way to becoming the greatest player in Major League Baseball history. Now, not only are the Reds willing to part with him, but no one seems that willing to take him.

- The "It's people that make the difference. Little people, like you." Award goes to ...

David Eckstein and Adam Vinatieri. The two smallest players on their respective teams and they both played a huge role in winning a championship. Eckstein and Vinatieri go a long way in proving that even the vertically-challenged can offer something to the world.

- The "Well, I'm gonna park the cars and get the suit cases, and well, I'll be outside for the season." Award goes to ...

Lou Piniella. Let's see, your Mariners team had won over 200 games in the last two years, been to the playoffs, expect to retain most of its players for the next season, and you're still under contract. You're probably right, Lou, a job change should be in order, especially if you can land the dream job of watching a bunch of Double-A players all season, and have your boss continue to ask if you could hold off just a few days before cashing your paycheck.

- The "And it's about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hotdogs. And your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip." Award goes to ...

Barry Bonds and Jeff Kent for one of the most ridiculous (non-sanctioned) fights this year. These guys don't need fines or suspensions; they need a baby bottle and some serious timeout time in the corner. For those of you keeping track, this would be Kent's second award.

- The "Problem is, he's got a bit of Mississippi Leg Hound in him. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town ... A word of warning, though, if he lays into you, it's best to just let him finish." Award goes to ...

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart. I can't confirm this, but I'd be willing to guess Stewart does have a little bit of Leg Hound in him. He could flip out at any time and if he goes after you, there is no point in fighting it ... just sue him later.

- The "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss your ass. Kiss his ass. Happy Chanukah." Award goes to ...

Bobby Knight and his happy go-lucky attitude toward everyone. Knight spent his year away from coaching then returned to take a Texas Tech Red Raiders team who had managed eight wins the previous season through a very tough Big 12 conference to a 20-win season and a spot in the NCAA Tournament.

- The "We're just divorced. She's history. And obviously, she doesn't wear underwear." Award goes to ...

Chuck and Tawny Finley for one of the most embarrassing and public divorces of the past season. And, of course, one can only hope that Tawny really doesn't wear any underwear.

- The "He worked really hard, Grandma." "So do washing machines." Award goes to ...

Kordell Stewart for leading his team to the AFC Championship game last season, only to be benched this year. Poor Kordell, every year he always works so hard, always with his back against the wall, he finally succeeds, only to give way to the best comeback story in the NFL.

- The "I don't know what to say; except it's Christmas and we're all in misery." Award goes to ...

The Cincinnati Bengals. When was the last time the Bengals were even just fighting for a spot in the playoffs when Christmas rolled around? Thirty years from now, we'll be looking back on this current era of sports and recognizing the Bengals as the most poorly managed franchise in sports history.

- The "He took my house. I took his RV." Award goes to ...

The Phoenix Suns for their masterful trade of Jason Kidd to New Jersey for Stephon Marbury. New Jersey just happened to go the NBA Finals while the Suns are still trying to climb their way into the playoffs. I'm sure it looked good on paper, though. A guy who can get a triple-double every night is worth giving up for a guy who'll take 25 shots without batting an eyelash. Good call.

- The "Where ya think you're gonna put a tree that big?" "Bend over, and I'll show you." Award goes to ...

Bud Selig and Carl Pohlad from the Minnesota Twins and the state of Minnesota. Selig and Pohlad conspired to kill off the Twins and not only did Minnesota survive, but they made it all the way to the ALCS before bowing out. It was as if the entire Twins team told Selig and Pohlad exactly where they were planning on sticking contraction.

- The "I don't know if I wanna go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic." "You really think that's gonna matter, Eddie?" Award goes to ...

Chris Chandler and his oh-so-delicate skull. I think he knocked himself out this year by sneezing too hard.

- The "Well, you see, the plate runs right underneath the part. See, over here is nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right." Award goes to ...

Nate Newton. If there is anyone who deserves a plate in his head, it's a guy who gets busted for driving around with 200 lbs. of weed, then gets picked up a few weeks later with another huge stash. The only explanation I can think of is that the guy done smoked himself retarded. Or he has a few good buddies playing for the Mets.

- The "I love it here. You don't have to put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place." Award goes to ...

Ricky Williams and his new home in Miami. Of course, there was probably no need for a coat in New Orleans either, but in Miami, Ricky apparently also doesn't need shoes, a driver's license, or any kind of registration for his car. Faaaaantastic.

- The "Well, he's been out of work for close to seven years." "In seven years, he couldn't find a job?" "Kathryn says he's been holding out for a management position." Award goes to ...

Hubie Brown who returns to the coaching ranks 146 years after his last head-coaching job.

- The "Kathryn, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, I think we're all in for a real treat." Award goes to ...

If the New York Mets had only played half as good as they looked on paper, they wouldn't have won this award. Mike Piazza, Roberto Alamor, Edgardo Alfonzo, Rey Ordonez, Mo Vaughn, Jeromy Burnitz, Pedro Asticio, Al Leiter, and Armando Benitez; what do they have in common? They've all played in an All-Star Game. Oh, yeah, and they all finished dead last in a division that contains both the Florida Marlins and Montreal Expos.

- The "If that thing had nine lives, she just spent 'em all." Award goes to ...

One of the biggest busts in sports draft history, Ryan Leaf. I'd say it's safe to assume that Leaf won't be donning another NFL uniform. Every time you thought the guy was done, there was another desperate coach looking to be that "positive influence" that would make him a great quarterback. Instead, Leaf retired to go off in search of wisdom and guidance from his mentor, Lawrence Phillips.

- The "Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year." Award goes to ...

The University of Alabama football team. The kids had been giving the gift of postseason probation, which means they really had nothing to play for all season but pride and they still managed to rip off a 10-3 record. Fortunately for them, this is a gift that will continue to give even through next year, as well.

- The "You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant." Award goes to ...

Ted Williams, who could be frozen in a nitroglycerin plant right now and definitely would not be able to hear a dump truck drive right past him ... oh, wait, Ted is frozen in a cryogenic plant, not nitroglycerin. Sorry, I get those mixed up sometimes.

- The "I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s--- he is! Hallelujah! Holy s---! Where's the Tylenol?" Award goes to ...

Bud Selig. He was perhaps the most hated and criticized man of the year. The guy could hardly brush his teeth without someone yelling at him for making a mistake. Contraction, the All-Star Game, a possible work stoppage; everything that went wrong was pointed squarely at Bud. The picture of him with his arms in the air at the All-Star Game pretty much signifies the public perception of Mr. Selig. What a retarded jackass.

- The "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here! We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f-----g Kaye! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of ass----- this side of the nuthouse!" goes to ...

The Noonan family and all of my (Christmas celebrating) readers. If you celebrate Chanukah, Ramadan, or Kwanzaa, just insert that into the previous quote (and take out the Santa part) so everyone can feel involved.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and happy holiday season, and a have a fun and safe New Year. Remember, ladies, no matter what the guy tells you, if the punch tastes like vodka, it isn't because it's been sitting out for too long.

Have something to say? Visit the message boards and discuss this article. Comments? Agree? Disagree? Send in your feedback about this article.