Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson chose to remain on the track in sixth place instead of pitting as the rain fell just before NASCAR's decision to call the 3M Performance 400 in Michigan. That allowed Johnson to recover the 26 points he lost to Matt Kenseth last week in Pocono. He now leads Kenseth by 74 points.
"Here's a quick solution to rain delays and cancelations," proposes Johnson. "Don't have them. Why can't we race in the rain? They do it in Formula 1. Wet-weather driving would separate the men from the boys. I think then you'll find that there are more boys than men."
2. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth survived a spin, a pit lane accident with the No. 23 car of Bill Lester, and a lengthy pit stop in which a tire escaped from the pit crew. Still, Kenseth pulled out of 13th-place finish to keep Jimmie Johnson in sight — he trails Johnson by 74, and leads third-place Kasey Kahne by 170.
"Normally, I'm proud to drive a Ford," says Kenseth, "but after seeing the Ford commercial starring that prematurely graying American Idol Taylor Hicks, I'm not so proud. Is that supposed to make me want to buy a Ford? Throw in 0% financing, $15,000 cash back, and a chance to slug Hicks in the jaw, and I might buy a Ford. If not, that macho man Clay Aiken could sing me into a H2 Hummer anyday."
3. Kasey Kahne — Kahne won the pole on Friday, hammered the wall in Saturday's practice, then won the rain-shortened 3M Performance 400 on Sunday for his fourth win of the year. Kahne also overcame an early green-flag pit stop that left him a lap down.
"Gosh, I really wish we could have ran the last 71 laps of the race," says Kahne. "That way, I could have finished the final third of the bologna sandwich I was enjoying when the race was called. Fans complain that they didn't get the excitement of a full race. Well, I didn't get to finish my sandwich."
4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr — Earnhardt, in the red-on-white retro Budweiser paint scheme, scored his best finish since his win in Richmond with a third in Michigan. Earnhardt moves up two places to fourth in the points, 275 out of first.
"Yeah, wasn't that a cool paint job," says Earnhardt. "It makes you long for the days when Budweiser was the only Budweiser Anheuser Busch made. Now you got Bud Light, Bud Ice, and Bud Yuppie, also known as Budweiser Select. But, enough about beer. Let's talk food. My former teammate, Michael Waltrip, will drive for Toyota next year and will be sponsored by Burger King and Domino's Pizza. Does this mean we'll be seeing commercials starring the Burger King and Michael? They'll make a great pair. They already have the same hairdo. And Michael should be a wizard at selling pizzas. You know what the difference between Michael Waltrip and Domino's is? Domino's delivers."
5. Tony Stewart — On lap 22, as Stewart was just thinking how nice it's been not hitting the wall, the No. 20 Home Depot Chevrolet was nicked by the car of Jeff Green. Stewart was sent spinning into the wall and was plowed by the No. 7 Jack Daniels's car of Clint Bowyer. An outraged Stewart sped to the garage and helped crewmen bang his car back into shape. Stewart returned to the track but finished 41st after completing just 58 laps.
"I don't know what Jeff Green was thinking," says Stewart. "Apparently, he was thinking the same thing Jamie McMurray was thinking when he wrecked my teammate, JJ Yeley. I know what I was thinking when I was banging on my fender: that the fender was Green's head."
6. Mark Martin — During the race's final caution, Martin pitted in 20th place for four tires and a wedge adjustment and returned to the track in 27th with the expectation that there was lots of racing left. Minutes later, the skies opened up and the race was called 71 short of the complete 200.
"I think now you'll see several teams employ a full-time weatherman," says Martin. "I don't think anyone was quite sure what the weather was going to do. The No. 6 AAA team is technologically advanced mechanically, but weather-wise we're behind the times. We usually get our forecast when my spotter licks his finger and holds it up to the breeze."
7. Jeff Burton — Burton recorded his ninth-straight top-15 finish in Michigan but, like many drivers, felt the rain prevented a much better result. With his 11th-place finish, he holds on to seventh in the points, 407 behind Jimmie Johnson.
"It seemed like NASCAR officials were in a hurry to get out of there," says Burton. "Maybe they wanted to get home to see the multiple collapses in the U.S. Open. I haven't seen that much choking since Jimmy Spencer got hold of Kurt Busch."
8. Kevin Harvick — Harvick and crew knew impending rain would impact the duration of the 3M Performance 400 in Michigan, so the No. 29 used shrewd pit strategy to move up from a starting position of 19th. Harvick finished 10th, a day after padding his Busch series lead with a sixth-place result after a first-lap spin in the Meijer 300.
"Shocking news in the Busch series," says Harvick. "A Busch series regular won the Meijer 300, the first time a Nextel Cup driver hasn't won this year. It was won by David Galliland, who, before becoming a driver, was stranded on an island with six other castaway's as the star of his own reality show, Galliland's Island. With Skipper the crew chief, the Professor the engineer, the millionaire car owner and his wife, and two chicks named Ginger and Mary Ann."
9. Greg Biffle — Biffle scored his sixth-straight top-10 finish with a fourth in Michigan to finally crack the points top 10. Biffle may now be hitting his stride after a slow start. Last year at this time, Biffle already had five wins. This year, he has only one victory, but is poised to add to that total.
"Roush power can always overcome a slow start," says Biffle. "I know when the Chase begins, there will be four Roush cars in it, just like last year. And just as Kurt Busch didn't make the Chase last year, his replacement, Jamie McMurray, won't make it this year. Jack can only carry so much dead weight. NASCAR will be doing him a favor when they limit the number of teams an owner can support to four."
10. Jeff Gordon — Gordon was Sunday's lap leader, leading 50 of 129 laps on his way to a finish of eighth, his first result in the top 10 since Darlington. He held on to 11th in the points, and is only 11 points back of 10th-place Greg Biffle.
"Just when people were writing off Jeff Gordon," says Gordon, "I pull out a top-10. A lot of doubters have questioned my commitment to racing. Well, I'm here to say that I am totally committed. Racing is a 24-7 job, and I'm on the job 24-7. Surprisingly, I was able to squeeze in a guest host spot on Live With Regis and Kelly last Tuesday. I guess Regis was off promoting his hosting gig on America's Got Talent. Ironically, people watch these shows to see people without talent. Where's The Gong Show when you need it?"
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