Saturday, June 4, 2005
The Never-Ending Hockey Story
"The National Hockey League lockout is going to end."
The above is a declarative statement I take great confidence in authoring. Not only because talks are progressing, and a deal could be finalized as you're reading this. And not only because the esteemed ESPN personality John "Bucci" Buccigross told myself and Cat Sumner on our hockey radio program that the lockout would end in "4-6 weeks," and that was about two weeks ago.
I know the lockout is going to end because, alas, all things must end. If there isn't a settlement, the NHL might just fold. Or the players will start their own league, playing in American bingo halls and on the backyard ponds of selected farms in Manitoba. ("The New WHA: Watch Out For That Cow Pie, Hoser!")
Or the sun will one day explode, casting the Earth into darkness and ending civilization as we know it — turning the surface of our once-great planet into a giant graveyard populated only by cockroaches, stinkweed, and the indestructible Dave Andreychuk.
Still, the question remains: do I want the lockout to end?
There's a certain morbid curiosity in all of us, whether it's rubbernecking at a fender-bender on I-95 or watching "Elimidate" at three in the morning. Now, as the lockout nears what could be its end game, I can't help but wonder what would happen if this became the Energizer Bunny of labor disputes.
What would happen if it just ... never ... ended?
It's like that episode of "Seinfeld" where Kramer and the guy from the auto dealership are doing their Thelma and Louise routine, driving the car long after the needle on the gas gauge hit "E" just to see what happens. As I hockey fan, I've hit "E" quite a while ago when it comes to this lockout and the irreversible damage its done to the NHL and the sport of hockey. Yet I can't help but wonder...
Life if the NHL Lockout Continued Endlessly*
(* Like the "American Idol" finale)
June 17, 2005: Talks between the NHL and the NHL Players Association break down again, as the NHLPA invites the Mario Lemieux, Wayne Gretzky, Bobby Orr, and Gordie Howe to a meeting in order to "finalize" a deal ... only to then submit a counter-proposal with a luxury tax that begins at $125 million.
June 17, 2005, 4:47 PM EST: NHLPA leader Bob Goodenow emerges from the meeting, claiming "the other side simply refused to negotiate."
June 17, 2005, 4:48:35 PM EST: NHL commissioner Gary Bettman emerges from the meeting, claiming, "the other side simply refused to negotiate." He then says the owners are willing to deal, offering a $75,000 salary cap contingent on the players rolling back their salaries to pre-World War II levels.
July 2005: Influenced by the NHL, the National Basketball Association locks out its players, who respond by high-fiving each other, counting their money, and smoking a ton of weed.
August 11, 2005: Brendan Shanahan convenes yet another meeting of hockey progressives seeking to increase scoring and make the game more exciting. Proposals include instituting a "three-goal arc," playing each period one-on-one and restricting goalies to using only one skate.
August 30, 2005: The NHL and the NHLPA meet for the first time in months in Toronto. The first five hours are spent deciding on who sits where. The next five hours are spent deciding on Tim Horton's or Krispy Kreme. Talks end with a stalemate — and stale donuts.
August 31, 2005: In an amazing turn of events, on a day that would go down in hockey history, the NHL and the NHLPA finally come to an agreement: that a conference call would be the best way to announce that the 2005-06 season would be postponed.
September 26, 2005: The NBA lockout ends, as the owners and players agree to a 20-year-old age limit on rookies "unless they're really, really good — like LeBron."
October 2005: In an effort to win the public relations war, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman introduces "Lancelot Linkage," a hilarious chimp who explains the relationship between the fluctuation in league-wide gross revenue versus the percentage of revenue the players make in individual long-term contractual obligations. Oh, and he eats a banana while wearing a diaper, too.
November 2005: To protest the ongoing labor dispute, Eric Lindros goes on a hunger strike, throwing an entire two-month supply of Gerber's Soft Carrots in the trash...
December 1, 2005: NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announces that the NHL will begin training camps with "alternative personnel," and a truncated season will start on Jan. 2, 2006.
December 1, 2005, 1:33 PM EST: Rob Ray runs to his stationary bike and starts pedaling the sloth away.
December 15, 2005: The NHLPA announces it's going to begin its own league, which actually goes bankrupt during the announcement.
January 3, 2006: The NHL hits the ice with 30 teams filled with "alternative personnel."
January 3, 2006, 11:59 PM EST: For the first time in nearly a decade, the Chicago Blackhawks are in first place.
January 4, 2006: The NHL reveals that a one-day study by Arthur Levitt, the longest-serving chairman of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, indicates that 29 out of 30 teams lost money on Opening Night.
January 5, 2006: Citing a need for "cost certainty," Bettman locks out the scabs.
January 25, 2006: Scott Stevens is found in his living room, sitting on a coffee table in full pads and jersey, rocking back and forth while muttering, "Put me in coach, put me in coach, put me in coach..."
February 1, 2006: Brendan Shanahan convenes yet another meeting of hockey progressives seeking to increase scoring and make the game more exciting. Proposals include making each goal worth 87 points. For example: "The Avalanche defeated the Blue Jackets 261-174, on goals by Sakic, Forsberg, and Blake..."
Winter 2006: The Winter Olympics in Turin open without any NHL players on international team rosters. With hockey's greatest stars on the sidelines, fans are forced to settle for some of the most emotional and impassioned games the tournament has seen since the Miracle on Ice, creating a litany of new stars and exposing hockey to an entirely new, rabid audience in America.
Spring 2006: Seeking to build on the momentum of the Olympics, the NHL locks out all of those players as well.
May 10, 2006: For old time's sake, Joe Thornton complains about getting no respect and then starts a bar fight with cops.
June 10, 2006: The Bain Group increases its bid to $7 billion for control of the entire NHL, ranging from $1.5 billion for the Leafs to 75 cents for the Hurricanes.
August 2006: Talks begin again between the owners and players. NHLPA President Trevor Linden invites good friend and teammate Todd Bertuzzi to the bargaining table "in case some people need extra convincing." NHL board members are careful not to turn their backs to him...
September 2006: ESPN announces that not only will it not broadcast the NHL, it will refuse to acknowledge the sport ever existed in the first place by replacing all "SportsCentury" hockey episodes with reruns of "The Fabulous Sports Babe."
October 1, 2006: In a press conference, Bettman thanks fans for their dedication and patience. "Hockey fans are simply the greatest fans on the planet, and we are dedicated to coming back with an exciting new look and style that will grow the National Hockey League to new heights of excitement and popularity. *cough* there'snoseason *cough*. Okay now, bye-bye then..." Exit, stage left.
December 10, 2006: Noted hockey columnist Stan Fischler makes journalism history by sourcing an article entirely with anonymous bloggers who make predictions that never come to pass and then erase their archives in order to not be exposed for the frauds they are.
January 2007: Talks break off again between the NHL and the NHLPA. Mark Messier begins to wonder if he's actually retired this time.
Spring 2007: "Star Wars Episode 7: You're in Deep Sith Now" opens. There is still no NHL hockey.
July 14, 2007: In an opium bar somewhere in the Far East, Brendan Shanahan convenes yet another meeting of hockey progressives seeking to increase scoring and make the game more exciting. Proposals include having players grow wings and play in the sky, and deciding overtime ties by having teams fight a large dragon.
September 29, 2007: The NHL and the NHLPA finally come to a new collective bargaining agreement, with a $38 million salary cap and linkage between revenue and salaries. But then, at a press conference, Bettman rips off some white tape that had been placed on the CBA, revealing that he tricked the NHLPA into signing on for an $18 million cap instead! Goodenow smirks, and reveals he had signed the deal in disappearing ink! He then throws a smoke bomb, and the players association disappears through a trap door! Bettman: "You've won this round Goodenow...but there will be a next time..."
May 2008: "Star Wars Episode 8: That Sound You Hear Is the Cash Register" opens. There is still no NHL hockey.
Summer 2010: Aliens land in Grover's Mill, NJ, seeking to make contact with intelligent life. Upon discovering that hockey hasn't been played professionally in North America in close to six years, they take their cures for cancer and head back home.
December 2010: After years in moth balls, the Stanley Cup finally returns to action as a punch bowl at the Bat Mitzvah for Gary Bettman's niece.
May 2012: "Star Wars Episode 9: The Wrath of Binks" opens. There is still no NHL hockey.
August 2025: Gary Bettman, Jr. and Bob Goodenow III sit down at the bargaining table, offering hope to long-suffering Red Wings fans that Stevie Y might finally be back on the ice shortly.
September 14, 2025: The NHL owners and players agree on a new CBA, without any tricks, scams, or invisible ink. Training camps open for all four teams still incorporated by the league.
September 15, 2025: The sun explodes, ending life as we know it and any chance for the St. Louis Blues to finally win the damn Cup.
Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].